How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

Me too teacher my own room in year 11 was fantastic. And by that time I had released myself from the overbearing grip of boarding school friendships and hung around with the day students. By then I was having a great time but I was 16, so old in school terms.

Hak - I'm not extreme. I know some children settle and do well and are happy at boarding school.

This is also true of some children in care, and children who were evacuated during the war.

I also believe that the majority of people who work in ALL institutions are decent and caring human beings.

I just feel very strongly that the optimal environment for strong attachment and healthy emotional growth is the family - when that family is loving and stable, as I suspect most families are who send children to boarding school.

There is such broad agreement among social work professionals and mental health professionals working with children that the family is always the best place to nurture children (in the absence of neglect and abuse) and yet this is utterly disregarded by pretty much every single person who has a financial interest in keeping boarding schools open or in using their services. There's almost no acknowledgement or discussion of this issue, or interest in the evidence (what little there is) among that group as far as I can see.

And yes - I do have strong feelings about this because I suppose I'm still in many way seeing it through a child's eye rather than as a parent. There is something absolutely fundamental and inescapably meaningful to me about the act of physically putting a distance between yourself and your school age children for days, weeks, months, years of their childhood. I can't get around that one single fact.

Marsha,

I am, by nature, an introvert - in the 'classic' sense that my energy comes from within myself, and I find being with other people saps my energy because, for me, it is a 'not preferred / un-natural' state. If you met me, I would come across as entirely sociable, indeed quite outspoken, but I NEED to be alone after such encounters in order to recover.

I wouldn't 'love to live with my frineds', and didn't, as a boarder. I can cope with it, but one of my most pleasurable memories of school is of being in my final year and finally getting a room on my own.

I wonder whether it is such 'fundamentals of personality', for want of a better expression, that influence 'suitability for boarding'?

Happy it is my experience true, but I'm wondering why it was so different for all of us who went and my siblings.

It's just when we go into endless pillow fights and children are communal and love to live with their friends you've lost me. Not just me, but all my friends. We weren't all hopeless or failing to adjust, we preferred to be at home and I'd say that is normal and not unusual.

I'm really not judging people's decisions however, I think my parents made the right decision. But I think it's not odd to want to be at home when young.

I believe you when you say that your dc are happy to go btw. So it's not that.

Hakluyt - I agree that it's theoretically interesting. Has there been no research at all on the long term outcomes for children who have been at boarding school? E.g. in terms of future relationships, attachment styles, personality. I appreciate that any reasonably long term study will be looking at a cohort whose boarding experience was somewhat different to today, but I still think it would be interesting.

I definitely do have some quite deep seated problems with attachment, though in my case I think my boarding experience (feeling happier and more secure at school and never missing home) was a symptom of that rather than a cause. I have had to work very hard and face a lot of distress in order to form a strong relationship first with DH and then with DS, and that may well be true with the baby I'm expecting now too.

Personally if I was considering boarding I would be much more concerned about alcohol/drugs/sexual behaviour between pupils/bullying etc than abuse by staff. Not because the latter is not horrific but because at least some encounter with the former seems to me to be likely to the point of inevitability for a teenager at boarding school.

Yeah, well. Minifingers is the anti boarding equivalent of whoever was posting along the lines of "boarders learn so many skills that day pupils don't and are so much better equipped to deal with life's problems and the world of work. And they are protected from their parent's obsessive micromanaging" Both extreme views that are best taken with a pinch of salt.

I am glad a few of us left on here still retain a modicum of humour.

In all seriousness boarding can not be determined for one reason for all children. There are a multitude of reasons for different children to board. Yet there are many who shouldn't board for many other reasons too.
Boarding is a very personal subjective matter between child, parent and boarding school. All three need to be in place before it can be effective and useful. If either is out of sink then the experience could be extremely distressing for the child.

So it really should be dealt on a personal level one person at a time. There should never be one glove fits all with boarding. In fact a boarding school at which ones father excelled. Does not mean its the right one for your child.

In selecting a boarding school a lot of factors need to be addressed. So do boarder familes not worry if they had made the wrong choice. I would say yes they do. Most will talk with their children at home to try to elucidate even the most minuscule of unhappiness from their lips. Why because we care. To say we cart them off. So we don't need to care is so far of the mark.

Anyway...I am a boarder parent and I am proud of my choice. The important thing is my DD is a happy boarder. She may not be at a hot house school. Yet she enjoys it. She love the time she has to be herself.

Agian boarding is time and time is the most important commodity there is....

I've been doing some reading on this because it was incensing me so much yesterday ...

Am I right in thinking that the reason Daniel Pelka fell through the gaps is because there were no allegation or disclosure as such? That the law is different for reporting suspicions (eg, that child is underweight or excessively withdrawn etc...) than for reporting actual reported crime (eg, X says Y hit him)?

That said, despite the letter of the law, any boarding school which aims to be at the top end of the inspection framework (so almost all of them, and certainly every one I would countenance either working in or sending a child to) would have stringent reporting procedures. It is certainly clearly within all the guidance for boarding schools that reported abuse and suspected abuse be handled appropriately and immediately.

Marsha you've just said that you're talking from your experience but we're, well at least I am, talking from mine. Why can't we have different experiences? You believe your experiences are valid why can't mine be as valid? As a bit of a movie buff I frequently read reviews some films I think are pure crap get wonderful reviews and vice versa it's normal we all respond differently to things and have different experiences.

""It's wrong, always; it's taking children from their families, ruining family life, destroying them as people, condemning them to a future of angst and counselling, demonstrating how little their parents care about them and is actually a sophisticated form of child abuse sanctioned by society because it's performed by rich people".

Well it's hard to have any sort of discussion if you characterise people who disagree with you like that, yes.

On the whole the children at dds school (she is a day girl at the monent) are previously state educated children whose families would never have imagined just a few years ago that their child would be attending a private residential school.

There is homesickness, there are problems but many ofvthe children had problems before (not fitting in, not being able to access the type of education the school
Provides etc).

byah CP happens to be shall we say my area of interest and the point I was trying to make is that most boarding schools have both qualified doctors and nurses (usually full time) working in them and both have a legal obligation under their codes of conduct to report child abuse. It doesn't matter what the school policy/actions are in such cases or that the nurses are employed by the school both are when the push comes to the shove accountable to their governing bodies and for their actions. Obviously this does not make the system fool proof but it certainly helps. Let's not forget Daniel Pelka was at a state day school.

I don't think it's all as good as pro boarding make out ime.

I agree with summer if boarding hadn't been a choice for my DS I too would have been drawn to considering all the real or perceived or disadvantages" or as I said if Id lived in Barnes and this had a viable day school option I might be firmly in the anti camp. Hacluyt this isn't "strange" it's obviously because I wouldn't have any real day to day experience of boarding, so a I would let my own opinions on family life and my own incorrect views on how boarding is organised affect my views.
There's lots of talk about small children boarding and many think it's wrong again I think this is just a knee jerk reaction. I was more involved with my DS's when they were small and boarding than I am now, sometimes I was in the school or seeing them 4 times a week, they could if they wanted to come home on Saturdays and go back on Mondays although often school trips or friends were a bigger draw, small children are very communal, as far as I can see it was an endless round of pillow fights, dorm raids and elicit midnight feasts (supposedly unbeknown to staff), DS1 now doesn't board but talks very fondly of those days, a child I was recently talking too was saying his time at his full boarding prep were so much better than his time at his weekly boarding senior school. We see things through adult eyes children see things differently.

Just to go back to Happygardening last post you said ..."I think you'll find there actually is no legal obligation for teachers to report abuse. The law is about to be changed following the unbelievably tragic of death of Daniel Pelka,(in 2012,) where teachers (for the record state day school) unbelievably saw him scavenging from bins, emancipated and bruised and decided not to report it that anyone.. how anyone let alone teachers can do this is to my mind extraordinary"
You are absolutely right with this and a change in the law is being sort but at the moment but is sadly not as far as, "about to change"..... The law would apply to ‘Regulated Activities’ ... this includes schools , children's homes, youth groups and more ... you are right is saying other groups are already covered by such legal obligations..
Because there is no legal obligation for schools to report abuse and because when children board their daily care is handed over to the schools it is sensible for parents to ask the questions ... What are the schools policies on reporting any abuse to the police ?
This does not mean I am picking on boarding schools as "bad " in anyway as previously suggested ..but some schools have been known to "deal with" abuses within the school and not report . Also this does not mean I know of any on-going cases but there have been cases which have gone through the courts where this has happened, only when others , including parents and ex-pupils have been to the police ...
This is entirely about making sure children are safe ..See Mandate Now or Daniel's Law where if you are interested you can sign petitions for change...

"I know no one who'd send their DC away most of the year"
My DS has nearly 20 weeks at home I'm not sure "most of the year" is quite the correct term.
"in extreme stress or unhappiness a teenager (maybe especially a boy) would have no one to turn to for a cuddle and thence assurance they are loved and protected"
As a I said up thread I saw both my DS's HM, matron and assistant matron hug my DS recently, and his HM assure him that he "really cares" about him.
"They wouldn't wake up on exam morning to mum and dad cooking breakfast"
DS1 (day school) didn't wake up on his exam mornings to find either my DH or I cooking breakfast here in the real world I commute 25+ miles to work through the shitiest traffic so leave the house at 6.15 in an attempt to get in on time and my husband leaves at 7. In contrast DS2 gets breakfast surrounded by 12 friends in the same boat the camaraderie that exists between them is exceedingly strong, other boys who've been there already so know what it feels like, house staff who know they're sitting exams who encourage them to eat, an HM whose every waking moment is concerned with their welfare and wants them to do as well as their parents do. My friends is a matron she speaks for three languages fluently plus English (even qualified a degree in French and Italian for those who think boarding school staff aren't properly qualified but most importantly of all IMO a mother), she spent the nights before this years MFL orals practising with the boarders and in the morning before breakfast whilst getting them up laughing and joking and reassuring them in French Italian etc. I'm not saying mum and dad cooking you breakfast before an exam is not as good but it's not the only way.
This is what others don't seem to be able to see thee is more than one way and no one way is the correct way.

Can I just challenge this notion of sending your child away for 'most of the year'. Weekly boarders are at school for approx 5 days a week for approx 34 weeks if the year (depending on school) so that's 170 days, or 102 days where they don't see a parent or their home either in the morning/or evening.

I'll admit the balance does tip the other way for full boarders, but boarding isn't a one size fits all policy.

Hakluyt no I don't but I do think there is natural inclination to see the positives of what as a parent you can provide for your DC especially if they are happy and thriving.

I honestly don't think the jealousy argument washes with boarding. I am sure there are plenty of people who would love to access private education for their children who cannot afford to do so, and some of them may be jealous of those who can, even possibly to the extent of wishing it wasn't an option for anyone. But I have never heard anyone run that argument specifically with regard to boarding school. Most parents would rather have their children at home with them if they had the choice. As far as I can see everyone on here made a pragmatic choice of boarding school because for their children it offered advantages over the alternatives. Some people choose it because their children want to go, presumably they tend to be older children.

The people who are against it are against it on the principle it is bad for all children despite what those children and their parents and teachers may think. I agree with that by and large for young children, I doubt that is the case for older ones. It will probably be right for some, wrong for others.

Either way, I admire parents who can put their personal feelings aside entirely and make the decision to send their children to board purely on the basis of what they belive to be in their children's best interests. I would hate to have to make that decision. Fortunately am lucky enough to be unlikely to have to as the state (including grammar and super selective) and day private options where I live are excellent. Not everyone is so fortunate I know. Of course, if DD turns out to have some fabulous and so far well hidden talent at, say, ballet, I might have ti think again.

I am not against boarding in principle and I know there are some wonderful schools out there. It would just bother me that, in extreme stress or unhappiness a teenager (maybe especially a boy) would have no one to turn to for a cuddle and the ressurance that they are loved and protected. They wouldn't be tucked up with a warm drink in a quiet room surrounded bt their 'stuff'. They wouldn't wake up on exam morning to Mum and Dad cooking breakfast and wishing them luck. In other words they wouldn't have 'home' with all that means and it could be just a bit sad.
I have no doubts at all about academic excellence and first class pastoral care in many, maybe even most, boarding schools. I have no doubt that it is a positive experience for many. I don't think any parent of a child at boarding school would come on here and say,"Yes, it is a really bad idea but I chose it anyway." I know many people who could easily afford boarding school and many of them do choose independent day schools but we are lucky anyway in having excellent state schools here. I may move in the wrong circles but apart from my dsils parents I know no one who would willingly send their dc away for most of the year between the ages of 11 and 18..