How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

And conversely I haven't said boarding is wrong. It makes sense at times.

But things like - a small proportion of time etc and children love communal living make me think hang on a minute.

There is a middle position on this thread though isn't there? Marsha, greylady, haffdonga and myself have all said quite similar things - that there are lots of reasons why one might consider boarding, but that even the best, warmest boarding school is a different experience from being at home with parents and possibly siblings and that something is lost in that difference (as well as, for many children, gained). Hakluyt states her case strongly, but essentially I think she is saying that this loss of the home environment is a significant one, and not - in her opinion - worth the loss except perhaps where there is significant dysfunction to start with (i.e. Not so much to lose).

Maryz in some cases it makes sense and if it's like that then it probably does.

ds off to full boarding school next september.
How do I justify it???

Easy. Because he really really really wants to go there.

Job done.

It is different to go home, it just is. In the same way it's nice to go home after work. Even if you spend a few hours doing not much then going to bed.

And I'm not overly anti and sometimes I think it's the right thing to do. But there's a big difference between being a day student and a boarder.

I know lots of people who boarded obviously, all my school friends , we are still friends from afar. And yes of course they're mostly fine now and have children and average lives. Still it is not unusual to want to stay home age 12 and before.

Mary - yes of course I agree that children will encounter these things at some point whatever type of school they go to. But I think there is a significant difference in terms of peer pressure/intensity/lack of other perspectives if you are boarding and encounter these things in the boarding environment. It is a very intense environment - I expect most people who didn't board but who went away to university at 18 or 19 or perhaps went on a residential summer school/camp at some point in their adolescence remember how intense that experience was. It makes a bad/difficult situation (like bullying or friendship/boyfriend/girlfriend probs) much more difficult and equally it intensifies good/exciting experiences too - and for many teenagers that includes experimenting with drink/drugs/sex. Coming home in the evening and having to make conversation with your unbelievably boring and out of touch parents/younger siblings may feel pretty torturous when you are in the grip of these sort of experiences, but on the whole I think it is good for the teenagers and helps to keep a sense of perspective at a very intense time. Of course lots of teenagers encounter major problems despite being at home with vigilant and loving parents and no doubt some boarding school staff are excellent. I don't think it's an absolute deciding factor either way and as I said I would consider boarding in certain circumstances, but this would be one of my worries about it.

I don't think the comparison to children in care is invalid, and I don't think the previous poster meant to imply that they were equivalent. Obviously there are lots of differences between these situations and children who are boarding will mostly have many huge advantages in terms of family support and privilege compared to those in care, but equally I don't think it's completely unreasonable to compare various different residential care settings, of which boarding school is one.

I've just googled "the effects of boarding" only briefly admittedly but I can't find any credible research into this, all are boarders who were unhappy, the same names seem to keep coming up. There is nothing credible about this research because it's an entirely self selecting group of people. People not requiring therapy because they boarded are obviously unlikely to see a therapist.
I produce a very extensive list of adults around about my age who were happy at their respective boarding schools and are now well adjusted individual, but I wouldn't ten say that all boarders 40 ish years sho were happy.

I don't get why people try talk it away so much. A small proportion of time, slightly further away.

Nope the child is not at home, in our case 6 out of 7 nights a week.

If they only see their children at weekends and holidays then their child spends more time with friends and paid professionals than they do with their own parents

Did you read my post from earlier when I clearly disproved this?

And in terms of hours in the day, most day pupil teenagers spend more time in the company of their friends/paid professionals/asleep than in the company of their (usually) working parents.

My experience of boarding is having a DS on one for 10 years, knowing scores of other children who board, knowing normal adults who have boarded who were so y they've sent their own children to boarding school and working with children some of whom board and boarding school staff. So my views mimi are at the very least as valid as yours.
I too am doing my best for my children.

"I'm doing my best"

Kenlee - no need to be defensive.

My opinions of boarding school are shaped by my experience of being in one for 6 years, and of my siblings being in one for the same amount of time.

Did you go to boarding school?

I'd say you're heavily invested in believing it's a brilliant way of raising a child because you are shelling out shed loads of money to send your child to one.

I have no investment in not liking boarding school - I don't need to justify my choices because actually I don't have a choice. Even if I thought boarding schools were great I couldn't afford to send my child to one.

I don't think I'm a great parent but like you and everyone else on this thread - I'm doing best. Your taunt - it's a bit 'playground' isn't it?

It's not a small proportion elsewhere. And yes sibling dynamic changes.

"A parent with a child at boarding school is just as much of a parent as a parent whose child is at any other school or none - they make parental decisions, offer support (both physical, emotional and financial), are the people their children turn to about all sorts of issues, spend more time with their children than anyone else -

They are NOT parenting in the same way as a parent who is living with the child.

They're just not. My relationship with my children is intimate, affectionate and dynamic and it really, really can't be conducted in the same way over a telephone than it can when we are together. I don't just listen to my children from a distance - I see them, watch their facial expressions. We communicate by touch and sight as much as we do by words. The idea that you can conduct a relationship with another human being in the same way over a telephone or by text as you can when you are in the same room with them? Really?

"they just do a very small proportion of that parenting from slightly further away."

If they only see their children at weekends and holidays then their child spends more time with friends and paid professionals than they do with their own parents. If they are full boarders, as I was, then they spend massively more time in the company of other people than they do with any member of their family.

I wouldn't tolerate my DH spending all week or even months at a time away from me if it wasn't utterly essential to keeping body and soul together as a family. I certainly wouldn't want him to do it if he had the option of a job with a shortish commute. I accept that some people feel that state schools are not good enough for their very clever or talented children, and I accept that some people don't have an alternative because they have NO schools within a reasonable commute, and that boarding school really is the only possible option. But I suspect that they are few and far between.

Incidentally have you given any thought to how boarding school disrupts the sibling relationship?

My children play with each other and talk to each other all the time. At home. At school their relationship with each other is shaped more by the structure of the school and their peer relationships than it is by their family bond.

OMG ....I just realized I am a bad parent. We have a domestic helper. Who cared for my daughter when she was young. In fact my daughter treats her like an older sister. Then now that she is old enough we sent her boarding.

Im sure Mini is such a better parent than I...

Maybe we can persuade her to hold parenting seminars for us. So she can share her skills.

Hi Kalidasa .. Yes there is a great deal of research done into the "effects of boarding " ... Google it in, to get reading and several ideas.

Hi Kalidasa .. Yes there is a lot of research done into the "effects of boarding " ... Google it in, to get several ideas.