How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

No I'm not generalising I've repeatedly said ad infinitum that boarding is not right for all, find me one occasion where Ive said it is, that some children are miserable even traumatised by the whole experience (as they are in day schools of course) but many have a time of their lives and also remain happy well adjusted members of their own families with no "home attachment" issues or any other issues repeatedly suggested on here.
I do not believe boarding is right for all and in fact have said this on specific threads about boarding or that every school is right for all or even more specifically that my DS2's school is right for all or any other boarding school be it state or independent but it works exceedingly well for many.

I'm not sure why everyone is so cross with hakluyt. As I've said, I had a very positive experience of boarding, as did quite a few of my friends, and I wouldn't rule it out for one of my own children, especially in adolescence; but what hakluyt is saying about some inevitable weakening of family attachment as a result just seems sensible and accurate to me and part of what you would/should weigh up in considering the pros and cons. Everyone I think admits that boarding children often/generally have stronger bonds with friends and sometimes teachers as a result and that's just the flip side of that I think. I can well believe that some parents are in a position/wish to do more to mitigate this effect than others, but that doesn't mean it isn't an effect. I am still struggling to find any objective, peer reviewed research on the effects of boarding but I am an academic with access to scholarly journals online so will report back if I do find anything after a more thorough search.

I went to boarding school in the 80s. I went because it was a specialist music school and my parents promised I could go if I got through the auditions. My mother later told me she cried every time I went back.

I was a bit homesick to start with, but later was very happy. I am the youngest of a large family and all the others had left home by the time i was 14. I would have hated being the only one at home. I'm still really close to the friends I met there - we brought each other up and they have kind of taken on the status of family members. (I'm close to my siblings too).

My housemistress was an amazing role model -passionate about helping "her girls" achieve their potential. She instilled in me a belief that I could do anything I put my mind to and I still draw on that if something feels daunting.

I would consider sending DS to boarding school - but only if he wanted to go. And if he went and was unhappy I would listen and let him change his mind.

As with any educational decision, you have to look at the child as an individual. Boarding school suits some people and not others.

"You cannot generalise or say because this happened to my god children or me or my DH or Uncle Tom Cobley for that matter this will also happen is happening to your child."

I'm not. But you are.

I getting really fed up of this now I can categorically state that "home attachments" are not weakened by boarding. How do I know? I have one DS in both, I have friends with DC's in both some in both day and boarding schools, I work every day with children in both, some have strong "home attachments" some don't. You cannot generalise or say because this happened to my god children or me or my DH or Uncle Tom Cobley for that matter this will also happen is happening to your child.
After 30 years of working with children let me tell you what fucks up "home attachment; acrimonious divorce, alcoholism, drugs, neglect, abuse, significant parental mental health problems, significant physical health priblems, new partners, poverty. These are the things that create "home attachment" problems.

" Hakluyt how on earth did you equate the use of the terms 'micromanagement' and 'mollycoddling' to have meant normal family life"

Read back. People did!

Hakluyt how on earth did you equate the use of the terms 'micromanagement' and 'mollycoddling' to have meant normal family life?

However since we all have normal family life during the 20+ weeks boarding school holidays by your reasoning boarding families are doing prorata micromanagement and mollycoddling .

I am certainly not saying that boarding school parents are not loving and concerned and thoughtful and all the rest, or that many children at boarding school are not happy and fulfilled.

What I am saying is that there is a cost to pay. And that by definition home attachments are weakened by boarding. And that has the potential affect future attachments. I am not saying that every boarder will experience this, and many anyway consider it a price worth paying. Some see it as an advantage-the people on here who talk about the "independence" of boarders, who describe family life as mollycoddling" and "micromanagment" are a case in point. But to pretend this isn't true is a mistake.

I can't agree more happy....

The underlying theme that all boarder parents have in common is that they have made a choice for their child.

If anything most are very meticulous in their choice. I did quite a lot if research on schools. I read up on a lot of forums before we settled for the school of our choice. I did not just place her into the one that was available or one that had the biggest brand name.

If we wanted a brand she could have stayed locally in HK. We chose because it was right for her. No parent will send their children off to board and have no parental contact with their children. Even my husband who works 24/7 will talk with his daughter at 2 AM local time every Sunday morning.. We fly over on half terms and she flys back Christmas, Easter and Summer.

So basically she sees us every 6 weeks or less. If problems are encountered at school. Which has not happened. My husband being very pragmatic will pull her out of school and find her another one. He has several lined up just in case this school is not suited because circumstances have changed.

So to say I am a bad parent who has done nothing better than place my child in care is quite hurtful.

Yes we can afford the fees but we didn't chose the school on the cost. We chose it because the ethos of the school suited our needs. Does my daughter fit in at school? Yes. Does she like every girl? No. The point the so called popular girls that prune their hair and talk girlie are in a minority. So to find friends amongst the majority is easier.

Now the question is class....I am middle class my husband can only be said to be working class. He is happy with this as he was born and bred a Lancashire lad. He is working class because he works to make money so his family can eat. No matter how much he earns. He always makes his daughter remember that working for money is far more rewarding than handouts. Be it from the state or from the family...

mini as has also been said at least twenty times already some of those people stumping up 30k, in fact at my DS2's school and many others it's now a fraction of 35K (before extras) so you're out if touch with that one as well, whether they are upper classes, wealthy middle classes or on a bursary/scholarship they are doing it because it's the best educational option for their DC's. I've friends in the army they've has 20 homes in 20 places in the world they've never stayed anywhere longer than 18 months, many rural families don't have access to convenient extra curricular activities or choices of schools, and many parents work exceedingly long hours, shifts or travel for work and rightly think that qualified teachers, nurse, doctors, experienced matrons etc with friends and extra curricular are better than au pairs or nannies in their early 20's.
We all keep saying it's really down to the individual child and his or her family circumstance. There is more than one way to successfully raise a child.
Finally you haven't once mentioned unhappy children in day schools (state or independent) there are numerous posts on MN about unhappy day children, my own DS1 was monumentally unhappy and uncared for by teaching staff at his "outstanding high performing" academy.

Mini I do not think I was tauting you. Im just very intrigued that you find a boarder parent as bad.

I thought it would be enlightening to hear what a good parent would say on our children who board. I just thank the Gods that my DD has been raised with good manners and a loving nature.

Anyway as I said before boarding ia good for those who enjoy it. Those who don't shouldn't.

Its really very simple.

I am lucky we can afford the fees and the extras...My daughter enjoys it...She enjoys her holidays as well.. but I am sure someone will come along with some dubious research to prove their point.

Mini it is obvious that you and your siblings should never have been sent boarding or that it was the wrong choice of school and that it has affected you deeply. It must be clear to you that those on the thread who are considering boarding or already have children who board are not doing it through tradition or social pressure. We also are loving parents like you and would not wish what you went through to happen to our DC

Mini - you really are showing some very strange views. You are clearly out of touch with modern boarding and feel as you didn't like it no one will!

Upper classes sending their children to boarding schools... Don't make me laugh. I am really really not upper class. We both work so can afford the fees but people talking about Mum and Dad cooking breakfast on exam day. Well I have heard everything now. Do you not think people work and we often long gone at 0800 .....

Mini as I am sure you know American college accommodation is based on a room share. Does that mean the Americans are also weird in fostering close friendships?
Also as you should also know most public school boarding accommodation in the upper years are single rooms so it is very much like living with your friends in student accommodation, just more adults around to look after you and look after you.

I have just seen this thread, it is very obvious that some of those who are so against boarding have never set foot in a boarding school in recent years if at all.

My DS aged 12 is an only child and going to boarding school in 2015, he cant wait to go, his choice. He is extremely bright with a high IQ, we have a fantastic relationship with him and he does a lot of extra curricular activities. I am proud we have raised him with the confidence to make the decision.

I have seen other parents with children of his age who look at me with disbelief that I can send my only child away!! however their children seem so smothered they would be incapable of making the smallest decision, is this not damaging their development!

DS cant wait to go so that he can spend more time with like minded boys, I certainly would not hold him back, this is his life and its not about me!!

Mini -DS has a very strong sense of family and self and does not follow the pack, he goes with our full support. As previous posts have said its not for everyone.

Minifingers. - your posts seem to come out of jealousy. My dd boards due to a sport - she loves it - She is already talking about going back - I hate it and miss her terribly - I am lucky that I can go and visit her in the week and she comes home at the weekend. However my DS would hate to board - 2 different children - different needs ap- I think good parenting is about knowing your children and providing them every opportunity to fulfill their potential AND that is what I am doing !!!

Well, someone had to make a case for those no doubt tens of thousands of children who've found boarding school a lonely and frightening experience over the decades.

But yes - there is room for all sorts in this world, as there should be.

The upper classes in the UK have a long tradition of sending their children to live with other people in the belief that it'll be a morally and educationally bracing experience.

So no change there.

Give it up mini we get it. You are entitled to your opinions but it's time to accept that your choices aren't everyone's and just because you wouldn't do something doesn't mean the people who do it are morally deficient in some way.

"Hopefully your DCs will like living with their friends by the time they go to university."

I very much doubt they'll like them so much they'll want to share a room with them.

Not sure I'll ever completely get my head round people having 30K a year to spend on education, meaning they can pay for a good private day school, extra curricula activities, tutoring and as much extra support as they or their child needs to keep your family life going, and they choose to spend it on having their child live at school, rather than with the family. If I had that much money to spend on furthering my child's skills and happiness, and of funding great things to do as a family, there's no way I'd squander on paying for them to sleep at school all week.

Cheesy I think after your post Marsha could say 'and I rest my case*

My dp went to boarding school and hated it but this was due to then un diagnosed learning difficulties and a very academic environment which didn't match well. He is also an introvert, as am I, and his sister didn't go which made him feel very alone.

I think I would have enjoyed it though as I was desperate to be immersed in academia.

I don't think it's black and white