How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

I am still very confused about this view that boarding doesn't give you a full family life?

I went to a state school, came home every night yet I am not particularly
Close to my parents and siblings. Some on this thread seem to indicate that if you come every night regardless of what you come home to you everything will be fine and you can take the moral high ground.

I didn't send my DS2 to nursery or school till yr 1 for a whole variety of reason (he had health problems) but amongst them was my belief was that he personally was better at home with me, he had a very strong "home attachment" and as I frankly couldn't see what he was going to learn at nursery/school that I couldn't teach him as well if not better so why send him?

Just to add in relation to the skewing. As well as all the other factors listed above we agree that boarding is not suitable for all. Therefore for any results to apply to our DCs you would need to exclude those who should not have been sent (like Mini) and compare with day children who would also potentially have liked to board. Most published cohorts will be observational of boarders only without any baseline psychological data.

The thing is, you could accept that 'boarding weakens family attachments' without believing that that is necessarily a negative effect. The way we encourage and condone increased independence in 4 year olds when they start school would probably seem strange and damaging to the family unit from other cultural perspectives, but most parents accept it as a perhaps slightly painful/difficult but also exciting and fulfilling step in their child's life. I realise that hakluyt has a bit of an agenda in that she's made it clear that she does view this as a negative effect of boarding in almost all cases, but you could accept the observation without accepting the conclusion.

Mary - yes I appreciate that, you would certainly need a study that was based upon broad-based recruitment rather than volunteers who as you say are always more likely to feel strongly positive or negative. Such a study appears not to have been done, at least not with the sort of boarding experience we're talking about here. As you say, there has been a body of research from a psychoanalytic perspective, but focused in that case specifically upon long term damage. I have found some of that research very interesting from a personal point of view (even though I loved boarding), but it's obviously not the place to look for an objective overview.

Mayz as you will see I rephrased by statement about "home attachment" so as not to make a generalisation.

They are slewed because the research is self selecting. Therapist who've done most of the research and frequently write and report about their experiences of helping boarding children are obviously only reporting on those they've met. Happy well adjusted ex boarders don't go to therapists.
Happy well adjusted ex boarders are I suspect highly unlikely to join the boarders survivors association, (run by a therapist who has published much of the research on the effects on boarding) as I pointed out the programme about a Radley only showed 6 of the boys what about the other 694 boys would they have told a different story? I know at least 40 ex boarders all late forties, fifties some are complete arses, many are just like all the rest of us, some are happily married, some are divorced, some amazing parents some crap parents. As I said before the most funny, caring, lovely individual, adored by all, I've ever met, boarded from 7, the biggest arse I've ever worked with went to a day school, the most dysfunctional controlling parent without it being a CP issue was educated at a day school. We all respond differently to our circumstances. Life is multi factorial, children (day and boarding) from the same family, as far as I can see experiencing the same thing frequently emerge differently often telling conflicting stories.
The two most fucked up individuals I personally know very well never boarded both have been severely traumatised by their families, one was abused but one has no CP issues just a severe personality clash with one of her parents but has a sibling whose completely barn door normal and has a completely different take on their upbringing.

Hakluyt's statement still seems uncontroversial to me, to be honest, and really just another way of putting the common 'increased independence' observation. Of course a gradual process of increased independence is a natural and desirable part of growing up and I can see that a parent might well feel that boarding - like being increasingly involved in and responsible for hobbies, activities etc - contributes to this in a healthy way.

I very much appreciate the difficulties involved in any objective assessment of the long term effects of any formative experience, but I don't think you can say that results would be 'skewed' by those with bad experiences: any worthwhile study would have to be looking at a large enough number across a broad enough range to be assessing the overall average outcome. It does seem that such a study has not been done though I have found some interesting material all the same which I find thought-provoking in connection with my own experience.

Hakluyt We have repeatedly shown you that actually weekly boarders spend the majority of their time at home not school.

Oh Hakluyt so what your saying is that I can't recognise that my DS2's family attachment are weakened? That you know my DS better than I do? That you are more qualified than the parents and all those boarding staff who come into contact with them in all senses of the word to make this statement about my DS and many others?
You need to come and work in one of my old work place they need more arrogant judgemental prejudiced staff who are not prepared to listen to the individual parents or listen to and assess the individual children in an unbiased non judgemental way (despite having done the yearly mandatory "don't judge discriminate against a staff/client, there's more than one road to Rome, we are all different course) There's plenty of vacancies by the way moneys not great, lack of experience a positive advantage, boat rockers not wanted Im sure you'd be very welcome.

Kenlee- why not discuss things sensibly?

Happygardening. No I'm not. If you spend the majority of your time not with your family then family attachments will be weakned. We can argue about the effects of the weakening- there may be not, or may even be beneficial- but it can't not happen!

Sorry> not "long term"!!! rather "long distance"

All I know is that personally, I do not want a long term relationship with my ds during his formative years. He is not a teenager yet, but even if I only see him for half an hour before bedtime, it is worthwhile, as long it you have a good relationship with open communication.

My mother went to boarding school (abroad) she chose it herself, but that was because she was desperate to get away from her own mother who was a very controlling difficult person.

I think i should just troll...

I say that those who are in day school are abusing their children. Day school is nothing but an institution. We should all home study so our children can learn in the home environment. Basically its only an institution to mind our children because we can not be bothered to do it or to focused on work.

The teachers are all dangerous and some might not even be qualified. I mean are all those TA's and academic specialist qualified. Even if they are what guarantee are there that they won't abuse our children.

All of you are neglectful parents who hate your children..It doesnt matter if your child is happy and doing well. I or my friend from an eon ago did not like it. I have a friend of a friend of a friend child who was abused. Therefore your child will be....

This is the argument I hear for not boarding so I wrote it up for day school. It just highlights how stupid the arguments are.

Most boarder parents are quite happy for your children to day school....We just prefer to board ourselves...

hakuyt I do feel you have a tendency to take comments out of context. Then highlight parts to spin your own content on it. Its damn irritating...

greylady why spoil your point by having a dig at some the children in boarding schools? I fail to see what bring privileged or not has to do with this particular debate.

So as you won't rephrase your statement about "home attachment being g weakened by boarding then Hakluyt you are happy to make generalisations yourself but I'm not allowed too. Smacks of one rule for you but a different one for anyone who doesn't agree to my mind. You leave yourself looking frankly ridiculous.
I attempt to always qualify my statement based on my own exceedingly extensive and personal experience.

I honestly feel that every parent on here is doing what she/he feels is best for their dc. I am sure boarding school is an enriching and empowering environment for many (often very privileged) children. I am equally sure that many at inadequate state schools would benefit greatly from such opportunities.
I (as a teacher and a mother) have always felt that a loving, caring home can go most of the way to offset any deficiencies in a school. I also feel that no school, however fine and caring, can make up for a sad home life. All we can do is love our children and make decisions based on individual perceptions and circumstances.
There is no need to 'justify' those decisions as long you are 100% happy with the choices you have made for your children.

"The reason Hakluyt is provoking some confused sceptism is by her selective misinterpretation of certain comments to make it seem as though we are arguing black and she white. "

No I'm not. I qualify my statements like mad.

The reason Hakluyt is provoking some confused sceptism is by her selective misinterpretation of certain comments to make it seem as though we are arguing black and she white.
Kalidasa the problem with any such research is that results are skewed by people like minifingers and poor boarding environments. You really would have to do subgroup analysis, preferably with a cohort who had psychological testing before and even then only strong negative signals would be detected and not the more subtle negative effects.

Ok I'll rephrase and modify the original statement "home attachment" "do not* have to be weakened by boarding. Does that suit you better? Perhaps you'd like to do the same? As you made the original generalisation "by definition home attachment are weakened by boarding".

I do think children by the way are more mollycoddled as do most of my colleagues we have seen significant changes in the way parents treat their children in the last 30 years, certainly children have more possessions and even the smallest child is able to say no to something which is absolutely crucial and parents just roll over. I believe there is also plenty of anecdotal evidence backing this us.

"I getting really fed up of this now I can categorically state that "home attachments" are not weakened by boarding. How do I know? I have one DS in both, I have friends with DC's in both some in both day and boarding schools"

That certainly sounds like generalising to me............