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Original poster

Something happened on dd's school trip and unsure how to handle this

93 replies

Schooltrip · 08/07/2014 20:04

Dd is 13yo and went on a residential foreign trip last week.

While away dh got a call from school telling him that a video had been made by a kid on the trip and in the video dd was being called names. School wanted us to know they were dealing with it, fair enough.

Dd is back and being a bit quiet about the whole thing. I've just got it out of her what happened.

She's in a bedroom, 6 girls sharing the room. Dd is getting changed and some of the girls are the other side of the room making videos on their phone. A boy comes into the room, against the rules as they were told no boys in the girls rooms, etc.

Dd is totally naked as this boy is in the room. According to dd the boy was staring at her and loudly calling her "bushy". Dd says she froze. This was caught on video.

Now dd hasn't seen the video and says she doesn't think she was on the video. But that the video shows the boy staring at her and calling her bushy.

The video was seen by kids back in the uk while the trip was still abroad. So I'm guessing was shared on Facebook.

My concern is that maybe dd was actually in the video!

Dd says she's getting teased a lot at school about it. Kids calling her bushy in the corridors, etc, talking about how this boy saw her naked.

School appparantly is deciding how much trouble the girls who made the video are going to be in and whether they're to be excluded or not. Dd is worried that these girls are in trouble and that they'll blame dd for it.

On top of this we had an incident yesterday where a boy shoved and kicked dd. its his second episode of violence towards her. The first time he reckoned it was an accident. Hmm. He tried saying it was an accident again but HOY according to dd was screaming at the boy that she didnt believe him. His parents have been contacted and he's been told if he does it again he'll be excluded. School haven't contacted us about this at all.

Earlier on in the year dd was hit round the head with a chair in a lesson and I went nuts at the school. Wrote a two page letter copied to the head and governors asking how they felt they were safeguarding my dd and that if there was further violence to dd that I'd contact the police if I felt the school didnt take it seriously.

In year 7 dd was also attacked by a girl who was temporarily excluded after that.

So I think school may already feel that I'm one of "those parents" as I can't imagine my letter went down well. Obviously my priority is to dd. who wants it forgotten about.

I need to contact the school don't I to try and get any more details on what was in the video? And then what? Nothing?

OP posts:
HeleneCixous · 09/07/2014 12:34

I have a dd of 10 and a ds of 15 and if this happened to either of them I would want the police involved. I agree with everyone else, the school's response is completely unacceptable.

Jenni2legs · 09/07/2014 12:33

He says that these offenders have had a very uncomfortable time at school since their return and are still "being delt with"

I don't really like the idea of kids being made 'uncomfortable' as a punishment - it should be to the point, such as exclusion, parents being called, detention, rather than a slow boil of 'being dealt with'.

IvyBeagle · 09/07/2014 12:31

Is he trying to blame your daughter? I would ask the police for their advice.

trice · 09/07/2014 12:29

I would call the police. The school are victim blaming. Change in the toilets fgs.

LIZS · 09/07/2014 12:25

They may well do , but 6 girls using one bathroom within a tight time frame means it may not always be that easy. The bedroom should have been a safe place to change, and it wasn't . No different to a pe or swimming pool changing room - recording video, taking pictures and members of opposite sex are not usually acceptable there either.

Original poster
Schooltrip · 09/07/2014 12:20

Yy, unimpressed. Sorry autocorrect.

Deputy head said he thought most others did get changed in the bathroom.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/07/2014 12:19

Your poor dd. Is deputy going to contact you again once he has spoken to the boy ? There are several issues here one that the no opposite sex in each others' rooms rule was flaunted, the bullying and apparent encouragement of the girls (wouldn't most have bundled him straight out of the door ?), and the use of gadgets and recording of video in the bedrooms. None of this is acceptable in any context and all needs to be addressed with the children/parents and action taken to ensure it cannot recur on future trips. If you do not receive prompt feedback to your satisfaction complain in writing to head and governors and involved Oftsed and/or police.

FeministStar · 09/07/2014 12:19

I think you need to make some phone calls:

  1. The police
  2. OFSTED - it's a safeguarding issue
  3. Other local schools to find a new one

I'm sorry that your daughter had to go through this.

Zimtschnecke · 09/07/2014 12:16

I'd not be happy about the DHT. He may be good at talking but basically put some blame on your daughter. Why should she be changing in the loo when everyone else doesn't?
Not good enough.
I'd expect your daughter to get a written apology from the girls who took the video or pictures and made them public.

And even then i'd consider moving her, because that sort of thing, if it gets out and around the school and causes people to tease her in the corridor will damage her self esteem at a very vulnerable time.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 09/07/2014 12:15

Op, is that supposed to say unimpressed because I honestly think that's a shockingly poor response.

My child would not step foot in that school again.

That behaviour is not normal, nor is school's response to it.

Original poster
Schooltrip · 09/07/2014 12:04

Ok, am seriously in impressed by the conversation with The deputy head I've just had.

Firstly, they didnt know about this before today. The earlier contact about a video was something else. Dd never told them about a boy seeing her naked. The deputy head had been on the trip and said they had problems with kids using their phones/social media in appropriately and they were delt with "seriously". Phones were removed from offenders, images deleted, etc. he says there were no images of dd naked that he saw at this point. He says that these offenders have had a very uncomfortable time at school since their return and are still "being delt with"

He says that kids these days are learning to deal with social media and sometimes get it wrong, etc.

He apologised for the fact this boy went in the girls room. He's going to pull the boy out of lessons now and speak with him. Double check about any images.

He suggests on future trips that dd might want to change in the loo rather than in the bedroom like most other kids. I am a bit Hmm but at the same time realise that if boys are going to burst into the girls rooms then its probably sensible. The deputy said that short of sitting in the corridor all evening they can't enforce the no opposite sex in the room rule.

OP posts:
tiggytape · 09/07/2014 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VestaCurry · 09/07/2014 08:46

Completely agree that you need to involve the police. Schools are generally desperate to keep a lid on this kind of thing and that's exactly what should not happen in this case. The school is not controlling behaviour, and the behaviour is extremely serious.

Your poor dd, the whole catalogue of incidents is appalling. I'm sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread but if you can start talking now to other schools, please do.

Good luck

ArcheryAnnie · 09/07/2014 08:45

I'd call the police, as the possibility of your child having been caught undressed on camera is one you want to know for sure either way, and they should take it seriously. Ring the non-emergency number of 101 for the police and ask to talk this over with someone. Don't think that you are making a fuss, You aren't.

If for any reason you can't bring yourself to call the police, call the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000, and ask their advice.

I sincerely hope no footage was taken of your DD, but someone (perhaps the police, perhaps the NSPCC) needs to talk to the school about protecting the children in their care, as they are clearly shit about it.

Write down everything you have been told about it (even the contradictory bits, if there are any).

Don't be in the slightest bit shy about being a PITA. This of all occasions is one where it is warranted.

idontlikealdi · 09/07/2014 08:45

I went on a school trip once as a helper (DH is a teacher and I got to ski very very cheaply - had to have a CRB check so all above board).

A boy was caught in the girl's bedroom - he had pulled his pants down and sat on her bed wiping his bum on it thinking it was hilarious.

He was flown home and temporarily excluded - these children need to be appropriately punished.

WandaDoff · 09/07/2014 08:44

I'd move her.

Kids can be awful creatures & all this will follow her about for the rest of her time there.

Not fair on her at all, but a fresh start in a new school would probably be the best thing for her.

As for the school, ask for a meeting with the Head & HOY & find out as much as you can.
If you aren't happy about the way they are dealing with it then I'd get the police involved.

littleducks · 09/07/2014 08:43

I agree about calling the police. You don't have to press charges but I think they would be fat better placed to investigate this. They could find out correct info or if the videos are stored anywhere or able to be copied and worse case scenario have the parts to get any copies removed or destroyed.

DesmondIsMyConstant · 09/07/2014 08:37

I agree with phoning the police. I called the police earlier this year about an incident in school that involved my 13yr old dd. I didn't feel the school were taking it seriously and the police were great.

They have the school the kick they needed to take things seriously and were very supportive to us.

I think due to the video the police should be involved. Good luck, hope you get it all sorted. I really feel for your dd.

TSSDNCOP · 09/07/2014 08:35

If you were the parents of any of the children involved in this incident your correct response surely would be mortification.

Why are the school downplaying this? A PP said their school had "no electronics" on a trip. Is this usual? Why didn't DDs school adopt it.

I'm usually "let the school deal with it" but sod being that parent, I'd be down their like a shot on this one let alone the kid giving her a second shove.

Original poster
Schooltrip · 09/07/2014 08:33

The only other school is a school where only 30% of kids get 5 gcses inc maths and English and the school doesn't have the best reputation.

I know that academic success isn't the only important thing but dd does like this school, enjoys lessons and has a good group of friends. So I'm not in a huge hurry to move her due to this.

Part of me thinks that the previous stuff that's happened could happen anywhere and probably does. It certainly did when I was at school. At least the school have excluded other kids in the past. I have always been on the phone to the school complaining loudly about the other incidents.

OP posts:
rainbowfeet · 09/07/2014 08:32

Oh how awful for your dd & you,

This is how I would see it regardless of the fact that the video has been deleted it should have never been shared.. The girls involved would have known that was wrong & be punished for that.. I'd like to see them suspended if I were you.
The boy broke the rules by going into the girls dorm & he would have well known why that rule was in place, but instead of attempting to save dd's dignity & leave he proceeded to do what he did (I'd be so ashamed if he were my ds) so again should be punished accordingly. All involved except dd should be banned from further school trips too.

I think I'd be satisfied with that punishment but knowing how cruel some kids can be I'd be worried that this will hang around your dd.. Keep her communicating she should not be worried that they are going to get in trouble because they should have thought of that.. She sounds frightened of them poor thing.

notapizzaeater · 09/07/2014 08:30

I agree and you need to be "one of those parents" to make sure they actually deal with this. The girls should have been excluded whilst they investigate, they know they did the crime.

Your poor dd.

AntoinetteCosway · 09/07/2014 08:28

Oh my God, your poor, poor DD. Depending on how the school deal with this I would think seriously about moving her to a new school. One of these incidents would be bad but all of them combined are horrific. And I would be asking the school whether they've called the police re the video (filming a child nude and putting it on Facebook is a crime, surely, even if committed by another child) and saying you will be if they haven't.

Ratbagcatbag · 09/07/2014 08:25

I would absolutely ring the police, get them to investigate that the video doesn't show your dd naked. :( how awful. I'd want to lynch all of them involved.
I hate bullying, I hope my logic as dd gets older is if I wouldn't put up with it at work ie being pushed, punched or filmed. Then why should my dd at school.
Big hugs.

Needaninsight · 09/07/2014 08:24

I would be livid. Your poor DD.

Personally, I would be finding a new school. I cant imagine your daughter is happy there. I know I wouldnt be!

I think now IS the time to become one of those parents. Lax school and to a little extent your reactions to other incidents so far.What are you waiting for?