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Advice wanted on wording this letter

380 replies

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 19:36

Dear XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX,
We are writing to express our concern about the Year 8 Religious Studies Visit scheduled to take place this September.
Parents have been informed that girls who wish to attend the trip are required to wear trousers and a headscarf as a mark of respect for the religious institutions they will be visiting.
It is also our understanding that girls who do not wish to wear the headscarves or trousers, or whose families feel it does not accord with their beliefs, will be working on their own at school that day on Religious Studies coursework.
While I fully appreciate the need to dress respectfully on a visit to any religious institution, I feel I must draw a line at my very young daughter being compelled to wear clothing items intended for women to express their sexual modesty. Just as I feel it would be utterly wrong to compel a Muslim girl to remove her headscarf in order to participate in a school activity, so I feel it is wrong to compel my daughter, or any other girl, to wear one.
It would be very easy for us to simply agree to this request on the basis that the headscarf may be seen as nothing more than a temporary fashion accessory, to be worn for an hour or so. However, I am sure that a Muslim would not regard it as such, and nor do we. While respect for religious traditions is surely admirable, is it not the case that respect for our views as atheists and feminists are equally worthy of consideration?
We would urge the school to consider whether such an approach does truly promote community cohesion surely with a little more communication, an agreement could be come to which is mutually agreeable to all. We would hate to think that any girls first exposure to Islam would be one of unnecessary compulsion.
Perhaps an agreement that girls have the symbolism of the headscarf explained to them, and are given the option to wear one on the day, would be more conciliatory. Or at the very least, that an option is given to those girls who choose to abstain that is not tantamount to an internal exclusion.
Given these objections, we find ourselves in the unenviable position of having to choose between our sincerely held beliefs and putting our daughter in a position where she feels excluded and socially isolated.
We therefore reluctantly give our permission for her to attend on the day and follow the strictures set down, but do ask that you give serious thought to our concerns about this matter.
We would like to thank the school for their choice of role models for the girls, such as Rosa Parks and Emmeline Pankhurst, women who understood that following social conventions is not always the best choice to make.
Thank you for your time,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OP posts:
montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:31

Happy gardening, no I do not ascribe to them when in Rome" philosophy. Does that work if one is in Apartheid South Africa? North Korea? Plus, my daughter is not on a trip to Rome, she is at school.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 08/07/2014 22:30

If we received your letter at my school we would read it, chuckle, waft it about to other teachers for amusement, warn other staff you are 'one of those' and file it in the bin with all other such letters.

What drivel....

happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:30

But montreal this religious institution has kindly invited/allowed your DD and her classmates why is it so wrong to comply to their wishes when under their roof? They are not saying this is what she should always do just this us what is expected in our building? Why do you think it's ok for your daughter to offend them?

mineofuselessinformation · 08/07/2014 22:27

Maybe I've missed it..... But you don't state that you've contacted the institution yourself to find out their stance on this - surely until you have, you are making a protest over something that may not even be an issue. If it is a requirement to enter, you would then be in the position of refusing to comply with their conditions, not the school's. Is seems obvious to me to do so, but hey....

proudmama2772 · 08/07/2014 22:27

I don't think the school was right to ask female students to wear a head scarf and I think you are correct to write a letter. Students are being encouraged/compelled to engage in a faith decision that they may not agree with. I think they should be encouraged to respect women who wear head scarves, but they should not be encouraged to wear a head scarf if they don't agree with the practice in principle.

It is really important that more people speak out against this without being afraid of sounding bigoted. This is beyond to PC

titchy · 08/07/2014 22:27

She's not being coerced though.she can not go.

ljny · 08/07/2014 22:25

And if you want your DD to understand how it feels for all the girls to be made to wear a headscarf, then let her try it.

I would ask if the school is specifically covering sex discrimination and inequality in their RE syllabus. That would be a legitimate concern.

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:25

Titchy, please explain to me why asking that my underage daughter not be coerced into wearing a headscarf is narrow minded or bigoted. No one should be coerced to put one on or take it off. Especially not a child. In the words of another poster, Simples.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 08/07/2014 22:24

Montreal - if I invited you to my house and asked you to take off your shoes as you entered surely you'd comply because I had extended hospitality to you and those were my standards? Even though you may not ask guests to remove their shoes when they visit you?

I really feel you're letting your feelings about sexual modesty overshadow an excellent opportunity for your daughter to experience religious differences firsthand, which is a pity. (I too am atheist, and can see your point about sexual modesty, but tolerance and respect for the beliefs of others is very important to me. And no, if you came to my house, you wouldn't really be asked to take your shoes off!)

ArabellaRockerfella · 08/07/2014 22:24

Pavlov - you're right! Daily Mail?

fluffydoge · 08/07/2014 22:23

DD went on a trip to a gurdwara and a temple and they had to wear appropriate length skirts with tights or trousers and a headscarf. Boys also had to be wearing trousers and have their heads covered. The ones who weren't wearing appropriate clothing weren't allowed in the buildings and had to sit outside with a teacher. The school will have asked them to dress like that because they know what is expected of them by the people running the gurdwara or whatever building they're visiting.

It's polite and respectful for the children to comply with the rules of the religion.

summerends · 08/07/2014 22:22

Montreal I think it's sad that you are using your DD as a pawn to make your point rather than letting her from this sort of experience make her own mind up in the future. Sounds as though you would like to restrict her from travelling or visiting anywhere where she might have to cover her head.

titchy · 08/07/2014 22:20

No -OPwants everyone to be tolerant and understanding of her views, but sadly cannot see the irony that she and her dd are unable to be tolerant and understanding of others' views.

fourcorneredcircle · 08/07/2014 22:20

What?!

happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:18

I'm frankly stunned OP that you feel it's ok to write this letter. However hard I try I just can't see it from your point of view. What does it matter if for a few hours your DD covers her head when visiting this religious institution don't you think the only message it's send out is that of respect for other people whatever their views. Don't you want your DD to be tolerant and understanding of others?

ArabellaRockerfella · 08/07/2014 22:16

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PavlovtheCat · 08/07/2014 22:16

anne that's called "Harcombe's Razor", you can say it even simpler than you did Grin

PavlovtheCat · 08/07/2014 22:14

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purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:12

Of your DD is year 8 then she's 13 yes? Does she gave a view about whether she wants to go on the visit? At that age I'd be inclined to back up my teen's views rather than conflicting with them.

TeacupDrama · 08/07/2014 22:07

it is not just a female thing in either a mosque or synagogue as men cover their heads too, the boys may well be given head coverings too

if you visit a mosque you cover your head and take off your shoes without exception, when the queen went she did so too

if on holiday in italy in most churches it is a request of both men and women that there are no bare shoulders and no short shorts ( covered to the knee)

you do have a point about those choosing not to go ,feeling as if the are being punished in some way by an internal exclusion YABU about expecting an exception to the headscarf rule, the school do not make that call the mosque do, I am sure the school have been told that these are the rules and anyone turning up dressed inappropriately will be stopped from entering which would be difficult and embarrassing for school

annebullin · 08/07/2014 22:07

Never use 500 words when 50 will do.

Haffdonga · 08/07/2014 22:07

Do you think by writing to the school you will influence Islam?
Good luck with that.

happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:06

"so if my child is African I should acclimatise them to racism"
OP no one mentioned racism only respect consideration and basic good manners when invited into a religious institution. No racism there in fact the opposite.

fourcorneredcircle · 08/07/2014 22:05

Racism towards Africans is not analogous, and you know it. Don't demean yourself.

purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:04

I'm an atheist and have problems with quite a bit odd what's forced on kids at schools.

However I really can't understand where you're coming from with a letter like that. Surely learning to understand religions includes complying with simple dress codes? Your DD couldn't walk into a Christian church or even a school with a bare chest - even if your feminist beliefs saw nothing wrong in it. It's just considered inappropriate by the culture we're in. People in minority religions have slightly different cultural attitudes.

And if you want your DD to understand how it feels for all the girls to be made to wear a headscarf, then let her try it.