Deciding secondary - go with dd preference or ours ?

Your DD's happiness is key. My DD's friend was offered a music scholarship to a very good local independent and lasted only until October in Year 7. Is now at our good comp, is top banana in the Music Dept and very happy.

I think you made a good decision, and you didn't make it lightly

Hope your dd will be very happy! And fwiw, I think some 10 year olds do have good instincts about what they need - not old enough to make entire decision, obviously, but listening to them is so important. And a big part of growing their self-confidence.

If she s happy her confidence will grow. If the house hold has to chase every penny to put up with school fees how will it help her confidence. Unless the independent school provides something very special that the comp cannot compete with. My dc is very shy too but she still want to go to her own chosen comp despite no friends going with her. To feel that they are able and be respected to make such big decision for the first time it is a very grow up experience in itself.

Good decision. Happy children learn much faster.

Just to add, if she struggles, you always have the option of using some of the funds for private tutors.

fwiw I think you have made the right choice. You can always change if it turns out not to work. I hope your DD will be very happy at her new school.

trader I don't think you can say that one type of school or another increases confidence - for my DD it was going to secondary school period that gave her confidence. At last she was allowed to be herself - a bit eccentric, very academic, interested in competitive sport, not interested in boyfriends - because there were about 8 girls in her year group just like her and they all bonded. And they have all blossomed too. It's horses for courses, and given the OP's financial situation the indie option just feels a bit risky.

Although you definitely need to ultimately decide - obviously DD's views should be considered too - but a 10 year old is too young to decide her future. She wants the local school as that's presumably where all her friends are going. But it's highly likely the friendship groups will change at secondary - even if they all go there together. Indie schools are great for improving confidence - DD used to be so shy and retiring - she now confidently holds her own with anyone. That might just be growing up - or it might be the help the school have given her - making them do power point presentations in front of the class etc etc.

Our DS was offered places at two independent schools and we went with his preference (we didn't feel strongly enough about it at the time). It announced plans to become an academy the day before term started (and is now an academy and therefore no fees), there has been massive upheaval amongst staff and pupils and we often wish we'd bailed out and gone for the other option. But guess what, DS is happy, thriving, fully involved in school life and on course for A and A* at GCSE. AND he has a 90 minute commute both ways. He has to go to school, not us and the same is true for your DD.

See, my parents moved me to a supposedly much superior school and I was miserable there. I vastly underachieved. Everything they thought would be better about the school wasn't true for me (although it took them a few years to figure that out).

So I lean towards letting her decide, make sure she knows it's her decision, but always explain all the factors as you understand them.

I don't think a 10yo can know what will be best for her.

But then I am not entirely sure that anyone else can decide what will be best for her confidence as a teenager either. You haven't seen the 11/12/13yo her: you have no idea what that person will be like or what kind of environment she would thrive in. They change so much!

So I would go with Talkinpeace's suggestion instead: look at the concrete facilities, what is actually on offer, the variety and range of options.

Compare the schools in terms of

• science labs
• arts rooms
• tech rooms (fabric, woodwork, textiles, electronics)
• number of sports played and number of teams in each so middling kids play to
• number of music ensembles and choirs : lots of niches
• range of GCSEs and BTECs offered

what happens at 6th form ?

My DD2 is now year 7. I definitely wouldn't have let her choose a poor school but our house is between 2 very good comprehensives and I let her choose. In fact she chose the one slightly closer, that her elder sister went to but her friends all went to the other one. When she had a few bad days at the beginning of the year settling in, it was made better that she knew it was her decision. Now she is very settled and v happy but think she would have been happy at either - which is why I let her choose.

My colleague sent her DS to a selective indie that he didn't want to go to.

He never settled, behaved badly and was asked to leave in year 8. Not only could he not get a place at the comp that he had wanted to attend, the only schools with places were a long journey away in places he didn't know anyone. It didn't get any better and in year 9 he was excluded from the state school too. He eventually left a PRU at 16 with no qualifications.

This is an extreme case, but if children are not happy with their school they will not do well regardless of the school.

I think I'd be temped to go with DD preference..

I sort of have experience of this from my brother when he was young passing an entrance exam for an independent school my parents were desperate for him to go to. He wanted to go to the local high school with all of his friends.

My parents sent him to the independent school, they did struggle financially (possibly not an issue for you, but worth mentioning.) and it led to a few years of resentment and arguments between them when he didn't settle well there.

Do you think this could become an issue?

I think this is a no brainer really - you say yourself that sending both your children independent would be tough financially and the comp is Outstanding - why take the risk? All it takes in your situation is a job loss and you'd be in real trouble. If you can't afford it comfortably, just don't do it.

And FWIW my older DD is a quirky, geeky type - she is at a large comp where she has met a lovely group of like minded girls. She has a huge range of options choices because of the economies of scale, a lot of extracurricular activities on tap during and after school, she plays sports for school teams and the school is excellent at academic differentiation. If your local comp is like that why would you want to pay?

I would accept the place at the local comp for now. Which independent school would you prefer the small one or the more established one? What are the GCSE options like at both schools? Are both the state and indie schools co-ed or is one single sex? What about transport and uniform costs etc.
I would also bear in mind that it may be possible to move her from the comp to independent school at a later date, if things don't work out, but probably not the other way round!
HTH

Does the indie specialise in any subject that your dd particularly interested in? Outstanding comps usually very over subscribed and hard to get a place in in year application so your dd may not get a second chance and it is free. Are you sure you can support her all the way through for the next 5 or 7 years comfortably and still have money for uni etc. Your dd needs to feel right. She has to live with it.

My dd is very looking forward to going to the comp of her choice despite none of her close friends is joining in in the same school with her in sept. She just feels it is the right school and she s already decided she will do well.

if the Indie is very small, does it offer a broad range of choices at GCSE? How do they do that with very small classes?

If the comp is streamed for different subjects she should be in a class of similar kids and so she should be stretched according to her ability.

Don't underestimate the value to you as a family to have the extra money, maybe dance/music/sport clubs? trips? And what about your younger dcs, will they be able to go to Indie?

I agree a 10-11 year old shouldn't make the choice if you are certain they are making the wrong one, but if you're fence sitting...

Also a lot of parents round here send their DDs to a small private school because they feel they must if can just afford it.

Yes it's 'naice' yes there's no distracting boys, but DDs DFs have just got pretty much the same GCSE results they would have got at the local comp. They don't seem to get much more exciting trips and opportunities than DD1 at her (sometime SM comp).

Do you give your 10 year old children the final decision over:

• what they eat
• what time they go to bed
• what films / tv they watch
• what time they stay out to if playing with friends

..probably not...and choice of school more important than above lifestyle issues.

Let her decide on GCSE choices / A levels / Universities etc (with input from you)...but you should make final decision on most appropriate secondary school.

There must be something you've picked up about one or both independent schools that makes you think they are worth all the extra cost.

• class sizes ?
• sport / drama facilities ?
• academic results ?

Difficult to advise on choice you have...but it is primarily your choice and not that of DD.

I wouldn't base such an important decision on where her friends are going. In the first week of year 7 she will have made new friends. Think about what is best for your family financially and which school would suit your DD's personality

I'm with Lottie, dd is too young to make such an important decision. She won't have a long-term perspective on things. My dd was the same, wanted to go where her friends were going. The transition only lasts for the first term or so, but she will be at the school for 5 years at least.

For dd it helped that we explained our criteria and why we felt the chosen school was better for her.

Personally, I would prefer an outstanding comp (more choices, both academic and social) to a small independent, but you know your dd and the particular schools.

I don't actually think that at 10/11 they have any idea what they need in a school, or understand the differences in the schools you look at.

Back in October when visiting schools, we could see that ds was heavily influenced by a nice drum kit in the hall, or a cool theatre, or the class making pizza as we went through the cookery rooms. He loved the engineering rooms in one school, whose academic record wasn't great. He simply doesn't have a broad perspective on what a good school is and even really what GCSEs are and which ones matter.

We listened to ds, and took all his points on board. But we also knew that he was way off the mark on some. eg he doesn't like the all boys school (the only grammar we can reach is all boys) but that is because in his class at school, he says if you want to get any work done, you sit with the girls. The boys in his class are also all quite rough. I know the boys at the grammar will be different, interested in working and a broader social mix. He doesn't.

Of course it is important to listen to her opinion, but in terms of friendship, they often change friends during year 7 anyway, and if the girls going to the indie are all coming from different schools they will all be in the same boat. I would listen to her, but make the final choice yourself.

But I wouldn't necessarily choose the Indie over an outstanding local comp!