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Original poster

DS (12) feeling schoolwork/homework is relentless

111 replies

BlogOnTheTyne · 27/02/2014 12:55

He keeps saying, "Is this what life's all about then? Just work?" In term-time, his entire life revolves around lessons and then homework - this latter taking up most of the evening and lots of the weekend.

It's all going to get a lot harder too, as he gets nearer to public exams. He's happy at school - socially - and holding his own academically (v academically selective school) and wouldn't want to change schools.

It's more an attitude of mind and a reality and he sees me working most of my waking hours anyway (solo mum/ fully self employed/ family solely reliant on my income). I can't really say to him - by example - 'actually it's not all about work', when this feels a bit like the reality to me too.

However, when I was 12, I certainly didn't have a life revolving around work and exams and there seemed a lot more downtime. Is he a product of the 21st century and will just have to find a way of tolerating life as it is - or is there much I can say or do to help him feel differently?

OP posts:
summerends · 01/03/2014 19:11

Dusting is seriously overrated Wink. I would perhaps have a serious talk with both your DS and tell them that if they want to stay at this school they need to do some extra help in the house. Dishwasher, hoovering, doing their laundry, cooking simple meals is well within the capabilities of 12 year olds even boys! Draw up a rota, it may make them feel better by knowing that they are doing something to help you and working as a team. If they are grumpy about it then be firm.

Artandco · 01/03/2014 17:42

If life is that much of a struggle I would stop the school fees. Send to a local school. Use the money for trips/ cleaner/ tutor/ fun

rabbitstew · 01/03/2014 17:37

(sorry, "you're")

rabbitstew · 01/03/2014 17:36

I agree with wordfactory - you children's childhood isn't sounding like much fun for you at all. It sounds as though you feel you have to endure it, because your children have told you they'll disown you, otherwise! I don't suppose your the poster who posted a long while back about having difficulties with the prep school that fed into this school, are you, but feeling you had to put up with it to get into the academic secondary and because your ds with aspie traits wouldn't cope with going anywhere else? If you are, then you really do seem to be having a lousy time with your children's education!

wordfactory · 01/03/2014 17:01

Oh blog it all sounds like such a treadmill!!!

Are you really sure that this school is worth this level of stress? I admire you for trying to give a wonderful start in life and education, but this is a very hard price to pay Sad...

Original poster
BlogOnTheTyne · 01/03/2014 16:58

Thanks. The thing is, I absolutely can't afford any kind of paid help. I used to have a cleaner a few years ago but right now, I'm trying to keep us living off about 100 a week as school fees and tax swallow almost all my income.

I'm desperately trying to find ways of saving money and so can't even afford paid activities or holiday clubs for the DCs anymore. The house is massively messy too, as I don't get any time really, during the week, to keep on top of anything other than the absolute basics (ie wiping round areas where food is prepared, whizzing round bathrooms with antibac wipes). It's got to be easily a year since I dusted and in any one day, I can't find a moment to do simple stuff like unstack the dishwasher, except when making DCs supper at night, before then returning to work.

That said, I could have done some housework in the last hour or so but chose to knock a tennis ball around in the garden with DCs, to spend some time with them and keep us all a bit active and am now about to cook them another meal/snack, before returning to paperwork.

So if and when I do get a tiny bit of time, I'll always prioritise the DCs before anything - but work demands take up virtually all the rest of the time. Have done two loads of laundry today too, however but once it's dry, it sits in laundry baskets for days and I never get time to hang it all up.

Meanwhile, at least DS is now chilling out in front of PC, having at least been physically active for a bit and I've also spent a v v long time supporting other DC (who has Asps traits) - about a social situation he's worried about. So I feel I've given a bare minumum to them for now and have to get back to paperwork.

OP posts:
summerends · 01/03/2014 15:49

Poor Blog we obviously missed the subtext that you are the one who needs their 'homework' reducing. You should think seriously of getting some help even if it's only every 2-3 weeks.

Artandco · 01/03/2014 14:08

Blog - can you afford to get some home help? To free up your free time. A cleaner 3 hrs a week will be able to keep main cleaning done, put some washing in etc. Then maybe you can all have at least some chill time.
Could you fit in sat afternoon/ eve as family time? Out for a film/ meal/ walk etc

Original poster
BlogOnTheTyne · 01/03/2014 13:59

So the good news is that he completed 7 HWs in under 3 hrs whilst I was working and the other two he says he can't do as he's supposed to do them with a friend and will do them tomorrow at school (lunchtime).

Last year (Yr 7) the Head of Year got a few children (DS included) to keep a real record of how long HW took as other parents had complained about exactly what CQ says - different subject teachers were unaware that their colleagues had already set masses of HW, so it all accumulated. DS didn't dare record exactly how long each subject took him - but was more or less honest - indicating things like a 25 mins HW was taking 1.5 hrs.

He was by no means taking much longer than anyone else, although he has a bit of a problem with settling down to work and focusing on the task in hand - but he's become much better with this. Anyway, the result of that close monitoring of HW time was......nothing....It seems that in Yr 8, they get given even more.

I suspect many parents are reluctant to admit that their child is taking so long to do the HW as they believe everyone else's child is super-efficient and much more intelligent. Also, to make a bid deal of this - enough to contact HOY, will draw unwanted attention to DS.

In Yr 7, teachers/tutors would always just say the party line anyway - ie "Get him to stop after the allotted time" - but no child at this school is likely to want to do this if all his peers are completing everything.

He's not at all desperately unhappy BTW. He has a great time with friends at school, is v sociable, adores spending time doing computer imagery design for fun at home (he'd do this all day if he could) and only gets migraines every so often - at the start of term, the end of term or when there is extra pressure. He wouldn't stand out in any way as stressed, compared to his peers.

It's more his sense of the montonous, relentlessness of a 'working life', although i keep telling him that it's not at all all about work. However, because he and other DC are desperate to stay at their school, above all else (in fact they've half-joked they'll disown me when they're 18 if I can't keep up the the school fees and they have to leave!), I'm having to work harder and harder myself and so I'm not able to model a balanced life for them.

Given I only get 1.5 days off a week from paid work and in that time off, I have to fit in all the business admin. and the entire week's laundry/housework/shopping etc etc, I'm too tired to want to fit in extra activities too, like we did when the DCs were younger. It may be that he's 'picking up' my stress and 'translating this into his own view of life - as I certainyl work far far harder than he does, of course. With this in junction to his school life (from 7.30am when I drop them off until around 4.45pm when they come home and then till around 7.00pm till they finish HW), it feels as if all life is work.

All that said, I'm about to start on the domestic tasks now, having made and fed them their lunch straight after work and DS has the rest of the day off!

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/03/2014 12:50

I'm confused, is OP paying fees now for this selective school that works her son to the bone & makes him depressed? She's working long hours for the privilege of this experience?

This is what most people do when they choose private, they want a school that will make their child work hard & they want to see their child working hard to feel they get their money's worth. The school isn't going to change since most the parents want exactly what OP's son has. There was a whole story on BBC the other day about the Asian view of childhood as an intense training period. Certainly not an age of innocence.

I guess you have to decide what you both want, OP, there are trade-offs & compromises no matter what.

summerends · 01/03/2014 12:23

I completely agree with you CecilyP that in the ideal world no child should get stressed by schoolwork. However the reality is that even from an earlier age some children find life and time management stressful and that means that they find it very difficult to properly relax and have perspective which in turn makes them even more anxious. In those cases a crisis may be averted by intervention even if just amounts to learning some simple breathing exercises or a way of tackling tasks.
The school should also be asked to do their part here and manage their teachers better so that less homework is needed.

CecilyP · 01/03/2014 11:13

No, I honestly never even considered moving house (not sure where you got that idea, Zero) - just changing school for the one child, which is obviously not something he wants.

I think techniques for managing stress are fine for someone at university level (or even doing GCSEs) but even the idea of it for a 12 year old doesn't sit well with me. I think at this age the responsibilty should lie the adults in his life to try to reduce the stress that they appear to be causing him. As I said earlier, it may be a problem with his own organisational skills or it could be a problem, as highlighted by CQ, of individual teachers happily setting their own homework with little regard to what all the other teachers are doing. It is something OP needs to investigate to try to bring about a solution.

rabbitstew · 01/03/2014 11:04

The sad thing is, Blog's ds doesn't really know what's good for him, and that includes what school would be good for him. His saying he doesn't want to leave sounds to me like clinging to the security of it at least being the devil he knows, and having friends there. Who would choose the deep blue sea when it's the great unknown and he is having a hard enough time with what he does know? Maybe at least looking at alternatives would make it feel more like a choice to be working so hard and help the family get out of the rut of thinking that maybe this is what life is all about and they should get used to it? If the alternatives are awful, at least it will feel more like a positive choice! And if they aren't as bad as thought, then maybe dreaming about how life could surely be more fun could become a reality? At the very least, though, the school he is at, now, ought to be made aware of the amount of angst being caused. It does seem at the moment as though everyone is working very hard for something they don't quite believe in.

summerends · 01/03/2014 10:30

CecilyP my reason for suggesting de-stressing techniques / CBT is for the longer term benefit since I suspect that Blog's son may have tendencies to OCD and stress / depression. Obviously reducing his long day would be one short term aim ( if practical) but he needs to have tactics to manage workload if not now, later at university or work.

ZeroSomeGameThingy · 01/03/2014 10:28

But Cecily do you honestly think that moving house (assume that's what you meant?) will be less of an upheaval for the whole family? Even if it's a viable option it's not going to happen in the coming weeks....

The issue with the amount of homework does need to be addressed, but it has to be from a point where the child is physically and emotionally able to work on an equal footing with everyone else. At the moment this child is more or less "disabled" with symptoms of extreme anxiety and subsequent exhaustion.

Medical intervention isn't being suggested as a way of coming to terms with a problem - but as a way of making part of the problem disappear. I do think that might be a better way of spending a spare half hour than sitting in front of a computer.

Artandco · 01/03/2014 10:06

I would try and get him to do homework at school. Ie I went to a super selective grammar. Between 9am-1pm we would have 3 subjects so could potentially get x3 home works before lunch. Hours lunch would usually be people eating and helping each other do majority of homework already received that day.
I used to do maths in the bus home!
By the time I was home around 5pm most was already done and just some art/ longer projects left.

CecilyP · 01/03/2014 09:50

I agree that if blog's son were less happy with the school generally, then moving him would be the obvious solution, but as he really wants to stay, this is less of an option. From OP's posts it does sound as if the homework really is excessive, plus leaving the house 7.20 to get to school on time already makes for a long day, so that is a problem to be solved rather than trying to use yoga or CBT to try to come to terms with the problem (which might be just another thing to fit in to already limited time).

CQ · 01/03/2014 09:43

I've had a similar situation with my DD and needed to go and see the Head of Year to get it sorted. All the individual subject teachers were merrily setting their own homework, supposedly to an agreed timetable, without any regard to other subjects, school trips, sports fixtures or bank holidays.

We had, for example, an English essay set one day, due in the next, so she could mark them over the weekend. That was also the last evening for finishing a big science project, so those who had left it to the last minute were scuppered. Another large piece of work was set for a Bank Holiday weekend which made our precious break an absolute misery for all of us.

A meeting with the head of year was really valuable as we could show her the full picture - she agreed it was all too much and we have seen a definite improvement in amount of work set, more flexible deadlines and more acceptance by the teachers that if the kids are out for a full day at the weekend at a sports tournament, they should not be having to devote the whole of the other day to homework.

Most independent schools need to become more family friendly but can only do this if we parents keep feeding back to them about acceptable balance.

OP, my heart goes out to you, you are doing so well at juggling it all on your own, but do go back to the GP, and start jumping up and down a bit more with school - it sounds like your DS has way too much on his plate.

summerends · 01/03/2014 09:37

If Blog's son is happy socially at his present school that counts for a lot and therefore much more difficult to decide to move him even though many of us think the homework is too much and not needed even in very selective schools.
I agree with Zero about intervention with relaxation, yoga type exercises or as I said before cognitive based therapy with a counsellor. He reminds me of another boy I know and the most help he can get at this stage will lessen the inevitable increasing problems later when tackling work / exam revision . Although he may just be letting off steam by moaning, teenage depression / anxiety can present this way.

Abra1d · 01/03/2014 09:35

Both my children found there was a lot of work in the early years in selective schools and my daughter's school seemed to pile it on in particular. By the time they were in GCSE years they had learned a lot about how to prioritise and streamline. And they just get quicker, too (and more adept at using downtime, such as the bus journey to school, to learn vocab for tests, do Latin prep, etc, which is all part of being efficient in the way you work). And there were fewer subjects too as time went on.

I think it may be a case of some schools piling it on early on and then easing up a bit in the GCSE year so that the pupils can actually relax a bit more and feel they are more in control and feel more confident before the GCSEs (IGCSEs). I noticed this certainly with my son: year 11 seemed less stressful than year 10.

LynetteScavo · 01/03/2014 09:30

My advice would be that he puts left time and effort in to the HW.

The whole point of this seems to get his some decent GCSE's and A'levels, so unless what he is doing is contributing towards the end result, then it seems a bit pointless.

CecilyP · 01/03/2014 09:27

What has being a single parent got to do with it, other than that OP's the one will all the responsibility. She is hardly a stereotype if she is earning enough to pay for private schooling.

That seems to be a very long day and ridiculous amount of time to spend on homework, certainly at 12, even for a very selective school. The lack of sleep cannot be helping either. (10 hours is pretty normal at this age). Is there any way you can take some time out from your own work to monitor the homework to see if it really is excessive or if it is more to do with your DS's lack of organisation or perfectionist tendancies. If it is the latter, you may be able to suggest strategies that help him work more efficiently; if the former, you should really have a meeting with the school to see what can be done to reduce the workload. It really should be possible for an able 16 year old to get a string of As and A*s without putting in this level of work 12.

lottysmum · 01/03/2014 09:05

I'd really question whether this is all worth it ....

My daughter (very able) is at a comprehensive (average)...hardly any homework...she's top ability set (classes that have been set)working at level 6's in most things apart from FRENCH/SPANISH/PE...level 7 in Maths ....being totally stretched ...not perfect some disruption in classes that are not currently set but she's focused to get on with work ..school is 8:30 until 2:55...she's home at 3:15 or able to go into town with friends ...We could have sent her to a selective independent school - but so glad we didn't!

If he's unhappy ...then you need to re think - your only a child once ...and he may find the pace at another school is better for him....

ZeroSomeGameThingy · 01/03/2014 08:54

Hmmph. I think there's room for a little more understanding Swaying. The OP is a sole parent. She's moving heaven and earth to keep her children as far as possible from statistics and stereotypes.

SwayingBranches · 01/03/2014 08:48

What a hideous existence. What future is worth so little childhood?