DS (12) feeling schoolwork/homework is relentless

Blog, wanted to add that itt is very normal that the new challenges of the curriculum draw out some of the SN problems, make them more obvious and acute, so it is entirely appropriate you ask the school and your GP to revisit the issue of diagnisis and Special Needs provisions in light of his challenges with school/life balance. This problem will not go away.

My DS had a friend in primary school who also has ASD, but never had problems with concentration and time management, so he is coping with workload at a very demanding grammar school OK. That boy also is on School Action. My DS is much more 'severe', he has a Statement in another equally demanding grammar school. So academic ability and achievement are not at all the gauges whether diagnosis or provisions are necessary. If your DS struggles to cope at 12, I would act urgently as it will be more difficult to initiate all those processes with age and there might be a risk that the impact will cristalise in your DS's lower grades.

Blog, I understand he is doing fine academically, as he obviously must be very bright. However your OP suggests this comes at a cost as he is overwhelmed by the time it takes him to do all the homework in an academic school. Both of you seem to be emotionally drained by this and there could be impact on your DS mental health, motivation and self esteem. You will continue hearing questions whether your DS is in the right school for him, but the problem will follow him to any school. In the run up towards GCSEs and beyond the pressure will increase even further. So, I would argue that he is sufficiently challenged with the workload at home to consider medication.

You might consider lurking or posting on the SN board to voice some of your concerns about medication. I understand people can have reservations. For me it was a straight forward no brainer decision that made a huge difference for my DS overnight. SN is a minefield of complex arrangements where parents have limited control. ADHD medication is one of few areas where your choice can make an immediate big difference.

For proper diagnosis and prescription of medication DC need to be referred to the Psychiatrist and the diagnostic questionnaires, i.e. box ticking should reflect the real everyday very significant effect inattention is having on your DS school/life balance.

Blog- what's good about this school? Your ds is overloaded with unnecessary work, his specific needs are not being met, they do a homework audit and don't reveal the results.................f

improvement in his processing and concentration

Blog, I would like to share our experience, just to highlight other factors you might consider.

My DS is in year 11, GCSE year at a grammar school. The homework thread-mill has been as relentless as you describe and DS struggled to cope. Like in your case, my DS spends much more time doing homework than his peers, but the others seem to cope well. My DS is very bright and doing well at school, in top sets, so ability is not the issue. The reasons for my DS difficulties are his special needs. Asperger's syndrome and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The latter particularly contributes to DS's issues with homework. The medication for ADHD exists and is very effective, especially in the first few years once it's started.

ADHD medication, if appropriate will certainly help with concentration and staying on task.

I am not saying your DS has SN, but you might just explore this, to rule it out, if anything. If you never considered SN before, just would like to add that it has nothing to do with intellectual ability or with looking and behaving normal. Most bright kids with ADHD and ASD would be very hard to spot!

Not yet, I am going to sit down with her tonight and go through her homework diary and list what she has had and then discuss with the school how long they expect it to take; if it is between 11-16 hours then, well, we will see - I don't know what I will do.

Apocalptic- I hope you have already been in touch with the school to query the amount of homework your dd is getting. Unless it's in the run up to exams, nobody should have to miss a sports club for homework at the weekend.

I just looked at the school homework policy, for my DD it is for between 11 and 16 hours of homework a week. That's a non-selective state school for years 10 and 11.

He has my sympathies, my DD is 14 and she has been getting ridiculous amounts of homework; apart from 3 hours on Saturday morning she was working all day Saturday and Sunday and missed her sports club because of the amount of work. She also did 4 full days work over half term and hardly has any fun at all any more, when she is not working she is so tired that she goes to bed early.

Good lord I'm exhausted listening to these schedules.
I also don't see why so much HW!
My dd got all A*/A at gcse and As at alevels , goes to RG uni ...all from the local comp , they did have homework but no way near that amount!

Hope you achieve a good balance soon OP.

Just for comparison- my dd is in year 13, doing 4 essay heavy A levels, predicted As and A*s, and she has loads more free time than your ds has.

Well, there is no way I would allow a regime which only allows 30 minutes of down time a day- that just ridiculous. There are loads of activities that don't cost much-scouts is a couple of quid-and very soon they won't need taking. And anyway- 30 minutes isn't long enough to read or listen to music- or just stare into space. You need to do something, Blog- it really can't carry on like this. The school is setting a ridiculous and unnecessary amount of homework.

In addition to all of the above, another important consideration in your family decisions is whether there is the possibility of a move to a good state sixth form (which will shorten the duration of your present stressful life-work balance).

I agree with Martorana.

Ds is at an independent school which is non-selective but which achieves ~50% A and A* at GCSE. They manage this with less than an hour's homework per night and probably 3 hours per wkend tops in KS3 (ds is in top sets; I imagine middle and bottom have less - looking at the hmwk on the intranet, anyway). Ds is also a child who procrastinates, looks out of the window, has slowish processing and is a perfectionist.

Ds (yr 8) doesn't do much out of school anymore, but most of his friends practise instruments every day, or are choristers, or go to Scouts, play lots of sports etc etc. He does have time for oodles of reading, drawing, writing and playing though.

As another poster said, you can't get higher than A* at GCSE, and that is reasonably easily achievable for a bright child in a good school where the pace and content of lessons is good and there is little to no disruption. I'm not exactly sure why your school need to set so much homework. You really do need to work out how much of it is meaningful and how long exactly other dc are taking over it.

I don't think your current balance is sustainable for any of you, so a conversation with school and with your dc (why are they so keen on their current school if the work is making them so unhappy) seems crucial at this point.

Good luck to you all.

There are a lot of schools, both state and private, that seem to think handing out a lot of homework makes them look impressive.
One of the things we liked about dd's school was the ahead saying that they work them at full tilt all day, so in the lower school, homework was for finishing off, and should never be more than an hour a night- usually much less.

What do the kids at your school do about matches and performances, OP? Don't you think it's sad that they can never go to Scouts, or suddenly decide they want to take up bell ringing or something? You can't get better than an A* at GCSE- and you can get that without working all the hours God sends. Where is the enrichment that private schools usually provide?

I think Zero's ideas are helpful. As for the moving to a different school, mine have had to move schools quite a lot. It isn't an attractive prospect but is not as hard as you might think and they have thrived. The elder two, now at university, believe it helped their resilience and flexibility and it didn't harm their academics.

Thinking about this overnight I'm wondering if you think the school business is really sustainable. From what you've said, there isn't much room for you to increase your income (in your current occupation,) but fees and expenses will be rising inexorably.

It's clear that your Dcs love the school, perhaps it's time to find out how much the school loves your DCs. What would happen if you arranged a meeting to say that you really need some fee assistance in order to keep them there. (I know you've said your DS is not in all the top sets - but he's already there and wouldn't be if he didn't have plenty to offer.)

If the school can help - you get to work a little less and have time to cheer up your DS. If they won't help - what are you working for? Look for another school and bookmark some holiday sites.....

Your endless slogging is a lifestyle choice, not a necessity. You have chosen to spend all your spare cash on one thing, which is now the centre of your and your children's universe - their school.

Tbh, I think the only thing you can really do to stop your ds thinking life is one endless slog is to stop endlessly slogging yourself. Your entire life is set up to give your ds the lesson he is expressing to you, that life is a slog.

Living in physical chaos and within a tight budget cannot be doing anything for your DC's stress levels, OP.

Stress is a killer for academic performance and the tipping point is very individual. My experience, FWIW, is that the right home support can alleviate the perceived burden of too much school work and, as a parent, providing you have the availability and the skills, you can help your DCs achieve to their full potential without feeling anxious. It might be very draining for you, however!

I would also say OP, that both my DC have at different times asked to do things which made family life difficult - DS wanted to be a chorister, DD wanted to appear in a West End production.

I agreed to both, but the quid pro quo was that they never whinged and that they had to help with things that would normally take place in the time now being taken up by said activity.

Can I suggest you have a similar discussion with your son?

Children with processing issues are slower than their peers and the effort makes them more tired. I am surprised the school hasn't suggested a more personalised h/w timetable for your son. I have a child of a similar age at a selective independent with processing issues and we are instructed to stop after a certain time and to keep in touch in case of overload. The extra sleep needed is typical.

If he doesn't learn to love his work - which means it must be manageable - there is a high chance he won't be getting the grades you hope as by 16/18 they need to want to work rather than see it as a slog. Please go and see the school. It does sound as if you are exhausting yourself too though.

I don't mean to bang on about it, but I really would go back to the school and ask them about the homework review they did last year. What did they conclude? Why was no further action taken, as far as you could see? Tell them you feel it's got even worse.

Year 8 for both of my 2 DC's felt like 'the year that time forgot' - Yr 7 is the big settling in year, Yr 9 is options year. Year 8? Let them tread water. And absolutely so. This is the last few precious months before the real pressure starts piling on for GCSE's. Although my DS, now Yr 10, feels it's easier in many ways because he's been able to drop the subjects he hates.

I know we pay these independent schools lots of money to ensure that our kids are given every possible opportunity. This does not equate to a constant treadmill of deadlines and pressure. And I'm sure most of the teachers at your DS's school don't think so either. If the teachers are having to set so much homework then something's not right at school - they are not getting through the curriculum, so maybe not great teachers - or there's maybe too much disruption in class so they are not finishing the required sections in time.

Please please please go back to the school and make a fuss. Ask around some of the other parents - I bet he's not the only one. It will not 'come back on' your DS - these schools are here to make money and will not risk looking unprofessional.

A wise woman once said to me that we have to be our children's advocates at school. The teachers and the school are working to their own agendas, and no-one else, however good, cares about your children as much as you do.

Get in there and be proactive. For your whole family's sakes.