Advice on explaining rejection letters for 11+

"All state provided education however, should be free, inclusive and not elitist. Grammar schools, by their very nature, are elitist and the 11+ exams seek to weed out the most able students. This allows certain children to attend a state funded school which is elitist. "

There are arguements for and against selective education. Each of us has opinons shaped by our own life's experience. IMHO there are good arguements for and against state grammars. The present comprehensive system has less social mobility than the 1950s.

Life is often competitive with people competeting for the best jobs or universities or in business. Failing entrance exams is not the end of the world and the sun will rise. Top private and state grammar schools do not have the monopoly on Oxbridge places. Going to a state comprehensive is not a badge of shame of a death sentence.

Whenever it comes to exam time in this house, and let's be clear 11 was a breeze (there are a lot of good private schools in SW London, it is just that they get put into ridiculous notional league tables in people's Heads, which means the ones perceived as at the top get to be most selective and it is a self fulfilling prophecy. They are all capable of getting A* for bright girls and enabling your DD to achieve your potential, even the ones that are barely selective), we go into cliche mode "you can only do your best" " If you fail it doesn't matter you will still go to a good school /sixth form/ university one way or another" " Que Sera, sera"

If you are putting your child in for entrance exams, they need to know at the start that there is no guarantee that they will get a place at any of the schools.

OP, you could always say to her that there is always 13+ entry (if she is super keen and doesn't get a place this round). And yes big hug and treats for the wait-list as that is something in itself.

Here here TiggyTape!

Private schools are elitist and if people want to spend their money on providing their children with an expensive, elitist education, that's entirely a matter for them.

All state provided education however, should be free, inclusive and not elitist. Grammar schools, by their very nature, are elitist and the 11+ exams seek to weed out the most able students. This allows certain children to attend a state funded school which is elitist.

The state should bring an end to the policy of providing elitist education through the grammar school system which still exists in certain counties.

*inequality of the system

Noting to do with being jealous. Just highlighting the equality of the system. I honestly think that some people are not aware that not all children even have the opportunity to try their hardest to get into what effectively amounts to a state funded private school.

Not saying that the OP can't hug and comfort her DD though. I can appreciate that it must be extremely tough on her - particularly if this means she will be separated from friends etc as a result. Indeed, one thing about this whole 11+ system is the pressure and weight of expectation it places on children who are sadly made to feel like failures if they don't pass.

"Even if she didn't pass, she was luckier than most to even have the opportunity to try."

Bollox! Trust me my son would not be jelous! I think he would show more empathy.

We are talking about a little girl who tried her hardest and failed. She needs a hug and doesn't need to be told how lucky she is.

Perhaps you should explain that the education system in this country is very unfair and that, due to a post code lottery, thousands of children across the country don't even get the chance to sit an exam to attend an elitist state funded school.

Even if she didn't pass, she was luckier than most to even have the opportunity to try.

Hi I remember you from another thread. We are all waiting with you for the other girls' schools. Agree with others your head should have some feedback and as to waiting list school then that should start to move in 10 days time when central london offers come out. The numbers just don't add up. This said does anyone know how many sat Godolphin and Latymer as I know this was one of your choices. Have told mine that she should just view it as a massive achievement if it works out but if not then it is down to the huge numbers this year.

Cant you tell her to say the letter has not arrived if the friends ask?

My mantra (ds currently waiting for results) is that "you can only go to one school" along with "and whatever happens you WILL be going to school next year". Another month to go and she will definitely have a place and then the next 6 months are about getting ready for that.

But yes, it is very hard to cope with the classroom and playground for a day or two (and year 6 girls seem worse than boys for some reason). Resilience is key, as are other positive thoughts, and things to look forward to. I'm not adverse to taking the odd day off if mental or spiritual health requires it, but to be honest it may not help here - she still has to face the playground at some point. Obviously if she is the only girl not to pass it is more difficult, but you'll have a better idea if that is the case.

If you're at a private school, then a quick word to the head is needed. They'll have known the results for a while, but may not have been thinking about which order the letters come out. I'd imagine if it was going to be bad news all over, then they would have been on the phone to suggest you do a late application elsewhere.

Just try to steer a steady ship of support and reassurance whilst you wait as patiently as possible to hear from the other two. And remember she may do well in another school too. Try to keep a sense of perspective for you both.

I do know that within the primary and prep schools in an area where a lot go private it is hard as a parent to keep it low key and relaxed. All the tutoring and parental pressure even if they keep it all secret etc. winds up the children with all sorts of unhealthy competitive, and frankly ignorant, attitudes manifesting themselves.

However dismiss this as the schools missing out on a fantastic girl, that they obviously weren't right for her if they couldn't see how amazing she was, lots of hugs, a few treats to make her feel extra special, and don't even mention the two you are waiting on (because that would imply they matter) And arm her for the stupid comments she will get at school. Any girl who needs to show off her result or put others down can't feel very good about herself can she? Whereas your DD knows she is amazing whatever others might say?

And the others are right, this is a chance for her to develop resilience. To gain the skills to pick herself up, and learn from the experience and move on. Plenty of clever children go much further before they encounter setbacks and then they tend to find it much harder to deal with.

Also do not beat yourself up about this either, too many parents think it is all about tutoring. It really isn't, they are looking for ability and potential and the sort of personality they know makes the most of being at that school. Your DD just didn't provide that evidence they needed on that day, or they may genuinely not be the right school for her.

If the Head gave you sound advice I very much doubt the other two are going to come back as nos in any case.

OPs tale is exactly the reason why the 11 plus is a bad thing. Kids feel failures at 11.

I think she does understand OP.
It's one of those things, we have to realise if we put our children down for these things they can't all get in.
I think its similar to many things they will do at this age, music exams, auditions for plays etc.
Some you win, some you lose. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off etc.
Not everyone can pass an 11+, there's so many other schools, tell her not to worry and give her a big hug.

Does that really happen at your's ReallyTired (a state primary?)

It certainly doesn't happen at my children's primary, it is in a poor area and no one can afford private ed. However the private school I went to had a head tried to have good relationships with all schools in the area. For example she visited the primaries of the girls who were coming to her school the following year.

I doult that any state school encourages children or parents to consider private school. Why should they. Especially as 93% of parents cannot afford private or are happy with state.

It might be just our school, but there is absolutely no encouragement in DS's "outstanding" inner london primary to apply for anything other than the local community comprehensive. Mixed rather than affluent though - perhaps that's the key. Can't imagine our Head being pissed off about not being told!

If most of the DCs went of private at secondary, maybe there would be an attempt to foster the relationship, I suppose. Does that really happen at your's ReallyTired (a state primary?)

I would expect any primary school to be told the outcome as private schools want to foster links with their feeder preps and even an afluent state primary. Selective schools need plenty of children to apply inorder to have enough children to be selective. If they piss of the primaries then head teachers will not encourage children to apply to particular secondaries.

The schools are sent results, Pixie? I never knew that. Our DS's state primary are not involved in the application at all (are preps?) - except they would have been asked for a report - and so I would be stunned if they were told the outcome.

Is the OP daughter at a private prep school or a state comprehensive. I would feel pretty angry with the head teacher a child at a prep school gets 5 rejections. The job of a prep school is to guide the parents to make sensible applications. Its all very well saying that thousands of girls apply for these schools, but if each child applies for 5 schools then the competiion for each place is not as bad as the schools would like to make out. If your child is at a private school then I would be talking to the head.

I had a similar experience to your OP dd and I had all set of nos. My parents were stupid enough to put me into exams for several really competitive south west london private school with zero preparation from a state primary. I had never sat a formal test in my life as there were no Sats all those years ago. It didn't even occur to me that I needed to turn over the paper.

It really hurt and knocked my confidence at the time and prehaps the worse thing was my parents disappointment. To make matters worse a couple of girls in my class did get places (with years of tutoring) taunted me and told me that I was thick.

Rejection does sting and I think its important for any parent to hide their disappointment. It is worth contacting the individual schools for feedback where your child had gone wrong. For example I sat the exam for Kingston Grammar and the head teacher wrote a letter to my parents detailing where my weak areas were. (Ie. I had never covered the topics on the maths paper and I didnt' have a clue how to tackle inference questions on a reading comprehension paper, but I did do well at verbal reasoning.)