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Original poster

To move at 11 or 13?

67 replies

Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 10:06

My DS has recently moved to a prep school in year 5. He's struggled to make friends and does generally find it hard to make friends quickly as he's a bit quirky. The school obviously want him to stay on until 13 but I think he would be better off moving at 11 as he could then start with all the other new children and not struggle to break into friendships at 13. The private schools do have an intake at 13 but less than at 11. We are also thinking of the local state school as that is ok.

I would like to leave him until 13 due to the benefits of keeping him in a 'cosier' environment but need to think what's best in the long run

Any opinions on what is best?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 17:10

I think he would be happier at secondary school, more children to be friends with. The boys in his year are ok but very cliquey as they've been together so long and as there's just over 20 boys, it's harder for him to find like minded friends. He may get friendlier with some but there's not many he would click with as they are very sporty and outgoing and he is not. He does do an after school club but not many other opportunities to get involved. His tutor has been really good and trying to help him integrate but haven't got far in 3 months so far. Have to give it a bit longer but I just get the feeling he's not going to make close friends there

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trinity0097 · 30/12/2013 16:34

Have you spoken to the school about your concerns, someone who knows your son, e.g. Their form taker/tutor/pastoral deputy? It can be quite a culture shock coming to a prep school from a state primary, it can take children a while to settle in to the routine of school, friends take time.

Do you let your son do everything that is on offer, e.g. Our kids can stay after matches or go home, if they stay they get to choose what they do with their friends. If you take them home early then they miss out on that social side of things, which can be hard to get in a school that will be much busier than the state school your son went to.

happygardening · 30/12/2013 16:18

If the local schools your considering take at both 11+ and 13+ with the main entry point being 11+ then to me it's a no brainier move him at 11+. Obviously your head will want him to stay, the bottom line is that he looses many at the end of yr 6 and wants as many to stay as possible because he needs the revenue from the fees to make yrs 7/8 viable but that is not your problem.

happygardening · 30/12/2013 16:12

As the mother of two very quirky DS's (I inevitably know many others) both have been happier in their senior schools basically they've had more friends to choose from and they found kindred spirits. IME many preps that go to 13+ are very traditional, they're feeding into traditional public schools, heads of these are usually unimaginative bores very conservative with a small c, those children with similar personalities who are usually in the majority, the compliant conformists, are positively embraced by the school, the quirky, eccentrics who are unable or unwilling to conform are at the best misunderstood.

Original poster
Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 16:08

He's a bit naive about things and in his own world most of the time so he just wants to go somewhere he can learn. When we've visited schools he doesn't seem to have much of an opinion!

All the local private schools have intakes at 11 and 13. About two-thirds at 11 and one-third at 13. I haven't considered the 13+ only schools as they are mainly boarding which I don't want. There is no obvious feeder school - they go all over the place. The most popular private school probably has 5 children go to it from his current school, so it's not likely he would be going with his friends if he made any. Only 16 boys in year 8 at his prep last year, his year currently has 30

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ZeroSomeFestiveGameThingy · 30/12/2013 15:44

So - drill down to the specifics.

Where does the current school feed to?

What other schools are possible?

What are the 11+ schools like? Ditto 13+ schools.

Can you afford a fee paying senior school?

He's old enough to have some clue about which are considered the "aspirational" schools locally - does he have any ambitions himself?

NoComet · 30/12/2013 15:41

11 only for state
And I suspect, 11 for private round here as a lot if people do state primary (nice rural area) private secondary.

Not that our local secondaries are bad, but we have a lot of MC families who, can just scrape school fees (often by leaning on GPs). Personally I think they'd be way better saving for their DCs university fees. (Or private sixth form for linguists)

LIZS · 30/12/2013 15:39

Have you visited the suggestions or do they all have an intake at 11+ (CE entry schools sometimes don't but may well pre-tests in year6/7). Has he only been there a term ? Unless you are confident that he will find a group of friends , some of whom are destined for same schools at 13 or choose a 13+ entry school, then personally I'd be looking for one at 11 .

Original poster
Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 15:37

Oh I don't think schools I've looked at let children register for both 11+ and 13+ pre tests - have to choose one or the other

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Original poster
Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 15:35

Scaevola - it is common entrance here. All the girls leave his prep and some boys so probably about half leave in total. The head has given us a choice of a few schools but doesn't really know DS yet enough to judge. He obviously wants DS to stay until 13 and I can see the benefits, but also the benefits of leaving sooner so he can make friends earlier if he's not made any where he is now. So confused - just don't know what is best in the long run. Whenever he changes school, it will be disruptive again but he will have to.

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Original poster
Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 15:31

Zero - he did have friends at his old school but took a while to make them. He was sad to leave them but wanted to get away from the disruptive ones that stopped him working. As I said, he's a bit quirky and just wants to go to school to work so struggles making the effort for friends. He is clever but not gifted, but mainly a hard worker. I feel a bit mean that I took him away from his friends and he says he hasn't got any. But that's another issue!

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scaevola · 30/12/2013 11:40

You need to think about which destination schools are likely to suit him best, and take HT's advice on his readiness for them.

Also, what proportion of the prep stays for those two years? If it is most of them, then the security of a peer group may be in his interests. If it crashes down to only a handful then this could be very awkward. Also, are the 13+ schools CE or competitive entry?

A prep in an area where schoold have major entries at 11+ and which does not prepare well for 11+ transfers is bound to have a lot of dissatisfied parents (so not surprising they had a vacancy). But despite that it is important to take the school's advice on your DS's level and suitability for the schools on your short list, and avoid overloading him with exams (especially of you hedge and enter him for both 11+ competitive and pretests for 13+ entry with exams in year 6).

ZeroSomeFestiveGameThingy · 30/12/2013 11:32

Ok (thanks for your gracious reply - I was a bit abrupt before...)

You can't keep on moving him can you? That in itself is disruptive.

Have you looked seriously at what is causing his "social" unhappiness? The state school didn't suit; the private school doesn't suit... Is it simply that your otherwise lovely Ds is not sociable (likes his own company?) or is there a more serious, diagnoseable problem?

What is this school like? Academic or otherwise? Is your Ds "clever"? What do his teachers see for his future? If he is "happy academically" is that not worth concentrating on? (In the absence of actual bullying or....)

Most importantly - what does he say?

Original poster
Mumtogremlins · 30/12/2013 11:12

Thanks, I didn't think about the testing and prep for common entrance.

We moved him in year 5 as he was unhappy at his state school and the other state juniors were no better. He was miserable due to the disruption in classes and he couldn't concentrate, among other issues. He's happy academically now and really loves learning so a good move in that respect, but not socially. Our plan was to leave him there for 4 years to make the move worth it but if he is still struggling for friends, it may be worth moving again if it helps him in the long run

We have to decide soon and let the head know so school can start prepping him for the right tests, and so we can visit both state and private schools. It's too early!

OP posts:
ZeroSomeFestiveGameThingy · 30/12/2013 10:33

To be absolutely honest it doesn't sound as if you chose the right sort of school.

People usually send a child to a prep that goes to 13 because they want the child to be prepared for CE to join a senior school that starts at 13.

It does seem a waste of effort to move a child into yr 5 of that type of school if you actually wanted a different outcome.

What was your original reason for moving him?

LIZS · 30/12/2013 10:23

Agree intake at 13 is in many schools a minority and have heard of even the most social child struggling to integrate. At 11 everyone is new (unless there is a feeder prep) and a wider range of friendship groups open up.

monet3 · 30/12/2013 10:22

I would move at 11.

There are more after school and lunchtime clubs, bigger choice of friends, the curriculum is geared towards GCSE rather than common entrance, specialist teachers, its easier to get a place at 11 opposed to 13 there are so many benefits from moving at 11.
I found my DS was just being tested constantly and not being taught at his prep school.