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Original poster

Ive been worried about dd at school for a year and finally it sounds like school are too.

137 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 17:50

The head of year has rung and left a message saying she's worried about dd concerning how happy dd is and regarding problems dd is having with other kids.

I'm surprised she's rung to be honest as these problems have been going on for a year and I spoke to the HOY (same teacher) last year who seemed quite dismissive and made me feel I was been all PFB about it.

Dd seems to have a couple of friends who she gets on ok with but apart from that there seems to be quite a few girls who take pleasure in been nasty towards her. Dd was unhappy in Yr 7 a lot of the time, saying she spent quite a bit of time alone, etc. not just that but people were been low key nasty towards her every day, name calling, saying she's a geek, that she's weird, etc.

The constant name calling is getting her down and I worry about how its affecting her confidence. She was crying last week - not even over a specific incident and said she didn't feel safe but couldn't tell me why. I obv talk things over with her, give her little pep talks. I've bought her all the books about girls and friendships, etc.

She came home from school on Monday saying boys had been talking and laughing about her on the bus. Then Tuesday someone shoved a desk into her stomach on purpose and someone else threw a chair at her. This is in lessons, dd says the teacher is oblivious! Then more name calling in the next lesson.

When I speak to the HOY about it what should I be expecting her to say/do to try and sort the situation? Could I ask about counselling for dd as I am quite worried about how down she is. Would this be a CAHMs referral or could they do something in school.

Honestly I read in the news about girls who have committed suicide due to low level bullying like this over years and it frightens me.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/11/2013 08:57

I took my dd out of school in year 8 and went to an out of borough school with far worse GCSE results. I think it was 42% 5 A-c

But the school took a great deal of interest in students well being. In ensuring they were safe and happy and dealing with issues as soon as they arose.

Dd took 3 GCSEs a year early, last year. She got 3 As. And she is predicted another 11 A*-As this year.

Sometimes you have to look beyond the results. Not all schools are a good fit for every child. They can have an outstanding ofsted rating, fantastic GCSE results and look fantastic on paper. But if your child is unhappy, all that doesn't matter because they won't get the best out of the school, they won't reach their full potential

I would honestly look into the other school a bit more. Forget the results, look at the school itself, it's pastoral care,it's bullying policy. My DDs school looks shit on paper but it isn't.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 07/11/2013 08:51

Ah, have found an attachment which says a bit more

Responsibility of Head of Year/PLA/LG

• Interview the student(s) concerned
• Determine the extent of the problem
• Contact the parent(s) of the student concerned to ascertain if they have spotted any change in behaviour etc
• Make a written record of the incident
• Ensure support for the student who is being bullied; this should include help with strategies to deal with bullying situations; assurance of access to staff support
• Take the necessary action to deal with the ‘bully’ in accordance with the school discipline policy.

(In instances where the Form Tutor or LG member are dealing with the issue, the Head of Year must be informed).

Responsibilities of Leadership Group

• To act as other staff in the prevention of bullying
• Respond to necessary measure which may prevent the incidence of bullying in school
• Give support to Pastoral Teams in dealing with issues which have not improved despite intervention
• Issue should be placed on Pastoral Board Agenda at least annually in order to monitor progress of policy and its effectiveness.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 07/11/2013 08:49

Ok, have found the policy on the web, it doesn't say much.

. A definition of Bullying

Bullying can take many forms. It may be physical, verbal, psychological or increasingly electronic i.e. via mobile phones or the internet (cyber). Whatever its manifestation it can be described as the illegitimate use of power by an individual or group over another. Bullying is the systematic, targeted, deliberate and on-going abuse/humiliation of others. By its very nature it produces a climate of unhappiness, fear and secrecy. In the worst case scenarios students have taken their own lives.

We recognise that from time to time students, often friends, will disagree with each other and may ‘fall-out’. We accept that this may not be pleasant and we will work with students to help them resolve these issues. However, we will not treat these fall outs as bullying issues unless they are ‘systematic, targeted, deliberate and on-going situations’

Prevention.

There are a number of strategies that can be employed to help to prevent bullying. These include:

• Actively promoting the policy via displays and via the Student Planner.
• Raise awareness of the issue in the whole school community
• Give guidelines for student behaviour
• Give a strategy that will be employed to tackle the problem
• Ensure that where ever possible students are actively supervised by staff especially in areas that can be ‘hidden’ e.g. on the school field & corridors.
• Conduct regular staff & student reviews to ensure that the policy is understood and is actively tackling any problem.

Intervention.

The aim of prevention is to set out guidelines. The expectation is that whilst all cases will be different there are certain steps that will be taken in each case. In dealing with bullying issues the support of parents is paramount. When intervening in bullying situations aggressive action towards the bully does not solve the problem. Assertive and fair action does.

Guidelines for Parents, Staff and Students are provided as schedules to this policy document. Parent Guidelines will be published and highlighted via the school newsletter on a regular basis. Staff Guidelines will be included in the Staff Handbook. Student Guidelines will be displayed in Tutor Rooms and are included in all Student Planners. The School PSHE Programme will at regular intervals raise awareness of this policy and all associated aspects of bullying.

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HSMMaCM · 07/11/2013 08:40

I took my DD out of a school where she was bullied and I'm sure she learned more in the less good school, simply because she was happy there. Find out all the options and see if you can move her anywhere. (DD's current school is very strict and therefore bullying is not tolerated on any level)

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 07/11/2013 08:34

Right, have spoken to the HOY and don't think it went well. Honestly I'm so shit at this stuff.

Some other girls had told the HOY about the chair throwing incident, she says its the first time she realised there was a problem. I told her that dd hadn't told her about it as dd didnt feel the HOY would be interested. The HOY says she finds that hurtful and is shocked and wants to assure me that she's taking it very seriously. She can't think why dd would feel that way, I told her its due to her been uninterested last year.....she can't remember dd coming to her last year.

I emphasised its the ongoing name calling and excluding which is upsetting dd more. I asked if there was counselling available and said that dd says she feels unsafe at school and has talked about killing herself. She never actually answered the counselling question.

She is ringing me back later though. She's going to start an investigation today and will be getting parents in. Not sure what other sanctions yet, i guess she needs to do the investigation first.

I asked for a copy of the bullying policy and she says its on the website so will look for that later.

HOY says she will get this stopped and is taking it very seriously. But I know that's what she told the mum of the boy who left due to been bullied and then never followed it through.

HOY gets one chance and then I'm going to the headmaster.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 22:48

Thanks everyone. Will update tomorrow after speaking to the school.

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HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 22:46

Sorry - that was meant as the school I work in, not ds's school.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 22:45

Yes, definitely, get her to keep a log. Looks more accurate and helps to get a clear picture in all of your minds just how bad it is. Might also persuade dd that her friends aren't really being very friendly, either (if that is the case).

Honestly, it just wouldn't be tolerated at our school. Those girls would be in constant isolation. Except they wouldn't, because they wouldn't be able to get away with a lot of it in the first place. If the classes are well behaved and working, there's only a little of the very snidey behaviour they'd be able to fit in.

Poor dd. She shouldn't have to put up with it.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2013 22:43

Do you think its reasonable that dd keeps a record/log of it all rather than go and tell her every single time?

I think that's perfect. You can request a meeting with HOY, Head of Pastoral Care if that's someone different and class tutor, then take the log in and make it very clear that the incidents are unacceptable.

Don't accept anything less than a very clear plan that you feel with address the problem swiftly and effectively.

Also ask for a copy of the school's equal opportunities/equality, behaviour management and bullying policies and call your local Parent Partnership service for advice.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 22:37

Hmmm, have just spoken to the mum of the boy who has left dd's school for the other one.

He left for exactly the same problems. Constant, daily nastiness and name calling. Mum says the HOY basically did bugger all. Said she couldn't do anything unless the boy told her at the time of an incident. Is that realistic when it happens in every lesson?

She said the same to me last year that dd had to tell her stuff. But dd says when she did tell her that she felt brushed off.

Do you think its reasonable that dd keeps a record/log of it all rather than go and tell her every single time? Even dd would feel silly going and saying well X said whatever. On its own its no big deal, but its the bigger picture of that repeated over and over, every day.

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HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 22:28

No worries. Just more food for thought.

It's best to see what school can suggest to sort it out (if that's what dd wants to do); but good to know exactly what other options you have if necessary.

We have y8 parents eve this week so I'll know more about just how happy we are by the end of the week Grin

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 22:24

That's interesting, I hadn't looked into it in that much detail. Hadn't thought of looking at the high achievers independently. I suppose if they get more lower grade students to start with they'll get worse exam results. Thanks.

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HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 22:05

Sorry - I meant to say: not that she would necessarily be happier there, but I genuinely don't think there's a lot in it academically.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 22:04

OP - just been doing a bit of research - and there isn't genuinely a massive difference in terms of results between dd's school and the other one (the 'rubbish' one). If you look at the Ofsted dashboard, dd's school has slightly better English results and the other school has better maths and science results (for its cohort - which is slighter weaker to start with).

Also - you need to be looking at the results for high attainers (your dd). Her school gets 92% 5A-Cs for high attainers, the other school gets 85%. But the other school gets an average grade of grade B per high attainer - dd's school gets a B-. Honestly I don't think there's a lot in it academically. Except for the specialisms, which still characterise these schools I believe, where dd's school's specialism is more 'academic'.

Not that I'm at all writing off your feeling about the other school at all. Tbh, one of the contributory reasons ds isn't at his catchment school (not one mentioned!) was the 'feeling' and quality of staff on show, not Ofsted or results.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 22:01

There might be the odd one or two if their parents take them. But hard to get into. I do know one who goes but had to do a dance audition to get in.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 21:59

No, they don't go to those two opposite each other. No transport.

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Goldmandra · 06/11/2013 21:50

I'll ask her HOY if she thinks its a possibility?? Not sure what they'll do if anything but ill do some more reading myself.

Unless they've had a reason to have considerable experience of AS the HOY is very unlikely to have the first idea about it. Your own reading will be a much better guide.

The biggest benefits for my DD (16) of getting a diagnosis were better support in school and better understanding of herself and why she felt so different.

Google Tony Attwood. His publications are very well respected but also easy for us non-psychologists to understand.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 21:42

It's tricky, though, isn't it when children say they like you and are your friend but you don't seem to feel backed up or safe still when the others all gang up.

I guess it's a good sign that the HOY rang you and not the other way round - at least they've been more proactive than last year and at least they won't be being all defensive since they've brought it up (you can only hope).

Good luck for tomorrow.

Btw, am I mistaken in thinking that any children from your village go to either of the two schools very south of the city (you know the ones exactly opposite each other)? Or is there transport to get there?

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 21:35

Thanks, if I don't get on ok tomorrow ill ring them.

Dd has been in touch with one of her two friends today who says that she does like dd. which I thought would be the case. So dd is happier about that side of things now.

I think because her self confidence is so low she worries everyone will go off her.

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HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 21:18

Well I really wouldn't want to raise your hopes either about fees reduction or how lovely the school is (we think it is really lovely - and because the year groups are small the boys and girls still mix which also heps to socialise the less 'alpha' children, if you see what I mean),

but here's what I'd do: don't mention it to dd if it would upset her too much before you knew what was and wasn't an option.

Make sure you are clear in what you know about dd's abilities/levels. As with all independent schools, there's always one eye on the results so if dd could add positively to those, that's good. Ring and speak to the registrar and be honest: my dd is of this level of ability, she's unhappy and being bullied at her current school, we want her to be happy and achieve (we've heard excellent reports of the school) and we can't necessarily afford full fees. Is there any conversation to be had? Is it worth us coming to look around?

Many dc move to this school in yr 8 and 9 because of being failed by other schools for either dyslexia, dyspraxia or pastoral support.

Just a thought and maybe a very leftfield one.

Scholarship testing for year 9 is coming up soon (and is officially 25% but unoffically can be higher). Absolutely no harm is asking what options there are now.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 21:07

Goldmandra, thanks for the link. Not something I'd considered before but some of that rings true. She isn't very good at social chit chat or knowing what to say to someone sometimes.

I'll ask her HOY if she thinks its a possibility?? Not sure what they'll do if anything but ill do some more reading myself.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 06/11/2013 21:03

OxfordComma, thanks for the messages.

I wish we'd taken a gamble on the mini bus for the strict school now as we'd have got in as not all the six spaces for our primary were allocated. The one who took the gamble got on the bus.

Interesting what you say about the "shit" school. I've sent a message to the mum I know who's removed her son from dd's school to that school to see how he's finding it/what she thinks of it so far.

Grammar to the east is out as I can't have dd hanging around from 7am waiting for the bus. Or hanging about until 10pm waiting for me to finish work.

Private school could be doable with a fee reduction. Do I just ring them up and ask if I can have some money off? Grin

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Goldmandra · 06/11/2013 20:59

I agree with your DD. You need to try to get the school to sort this out. Moving her might just be handing her over to a new set of bullies.

I am not saying in any way that the bullying is your DD's fault because it absolutely isn't but have you considered why your DD is seen as so different? Your description of your DD, including your comment about her caring about others, could possibly fit a girl with Asperger's syndrome.

This page explains how girls can hide quite significant difficulties in order to try to blend in socially.

Before anyone goes off on one, I am not diagnosing or labelling anyone. I am pointing a parent in the direction of some information which might be useful to them.

If your DD ends up having severe difficulties coping in her current school and you have good evidence of this, you can appeal to the LA to fund a taxi to take her to a different school. Children taken in taxis usually have statements of SEN but there some who don't.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 06/11/2013 20:52

Viva, we've talked about schools before. I'm in your area and know which school you're talking about.

First of all, year 8 girls can be horrible. It's usually the worst year for bullying. But there's absolutely no excuse for the school not to absolutely sort it out.

If you really do end up moving her, here's what I know. The 'rubbish' school you're talking about has had several of my friends' children through it, one of whom has a first from a RG Uni and whose younger brother is on track for all As at GCSE. Other friends' children are there and are not academic but are very happy.

Another friend has removed her ds from your dd's school for being bullied for his AS.

The 'strict' school you're talking about would probably be a good match for dd but I think the waiting list is probably huge. No harm in asking though.

We talked before about a different grammar (east of the city). Almost definitely places in yr 8 - you would just have to get her to the bus (I know some kids come from near the hospital if that helps?)

And we talked about my ds's school (the independent). Would it be at all doable with a scholarship/fees reduction?

I know someone has just got a place in yr 7 with 50% off even after the start of the year (did first half term at the grammar but wanted better music provision). There may be ways and means for a bright girl such as your dd. Ds is still really happy there and doesn't get picked on at all for his immense geekdom (not that I know how the girls in his year behave).

Hope you can work something out. Flowers You've had lots of other little niggles about this school, haven't you (sorry, not exactly been stalking you, but can remember a few threads!)

cocolepew · 06/11/2013 20:50

I hope you are able to sort something out, good luck Smile

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