Ive been worried about dd at school for a year and finally it sounds like school are too.

I think that's a very good letter

Hi Viva,
sounds horrible what is happening.

Your letter sounds good!
At the end I would write "that this behaviour towards her stops immediately"

But tbh, I would take her out and move her.
It doesn't sound as if these are isolated incidents from a few pupils, but systematic bullying.

If completely honest, I would not even send her back. I know this is impossible for you.

That's a good email but you need to include an, "as I explained during our conversation...." if that is appropriate so it's clear that you are reiterating your concerns about the repetitive nature of this bullying. You don't want it treated as a one-off.

I'd also ask her to inform you of exactly how she would like your DD to raise future concerns and with whom and what else she is doing to make sure the behaviour stops.

Don't worry about being pushy. You need to do it to make sure they step up to the mark.

Also say that you would like a meeting in a week or two, whatever you think is a good time, to review the situation and would she send you some possible dates and time please?

How odd that the head of year tried to make it about her feelings being hurt rather than about what your daughter is going through.

Viva I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm only posting as, 20 years ago, I was in a similar position to your DD's friends. One girl in our tutor group was subject to low level bullying for a couple of months for no reason other than the fact that some of the bitchy popular girls wanted to see how powerful they actually were. During the low level bullying, me and a couple of other girls tried to keep a foot in both camps, to give the girl being bullied some support, sat with her in class, hung out with her at lunchtime etc and would ring of an evening. However, we were also aware that this put us in a vulnerable position as we weren't fully doing what the popular girls wanted. As the bullying ramped up, I am ashamed to say that, whilst we never joined in the bullying, we did abandon our friends as we were just concerned about watching our own backs. I feel so bad now for that. For our friend, she missed the last couple of weeks of term (it was the summer term in y7) and came back in Sept in not just a different form but a different half of the school and, after that, all seemed fine.

I feel like writing to Ofsted myself.

That might be a very good idea after you've given them some more rope to hang themselves with.

Just keep making sure they know you mean business and won't just quietly go away like the other parent.

The culture of the school doesn't sound good but there are requirements on them to show that they tackle bullying effectively so hopefully, once they realise this is all going to be part of a formally process and recorded at every step, they should pull their socks up and do something more effective.

I thought that was really unprofessional too. Nothing much else to add. My kids are yr8 and yr10. I don't like the sound if the culture at the school you describe. Mine are geeky too. They don't get bullied.

I hope they have sent a copy of the letters to Ofsted.

When I to,d her that dd didnt think she'd be interested in what was happening she said that she was really hurt by that. Like she was telling me off for saying it and hurting her feelings.

Well yes, when I read that in your other post I though how unprofessional her comment was. She should use that information to reflect on how she could improve her practice, not moan about hurt feelings.

She's not inspiring me with much confidence in her ability to sort this out. You need to do what I said earlier and record all of this to email to her.

Putting the girls in isolation is only a small part of dealing with this. She needs to put things in place to make sure they understand what how severely this will be dealt with in the future and also detail strategies for supporting your DD and supporting her positive peer relationships.

So far she's given them the same sanction she gave other girls for swearing which totally negates the seriousness of their actions.

Have you looked on any of the bullying websites. They may well have sections for parents with advice on how this should be dealt with in schools. I haven't had to deal with bullying for several years but maybe someone else will come along with some good links for you.

That sounds like poor judgement on the HOY's behalf.

Have High Schools lost the ability to issue advice and warnings to pupils these days? They all seem to have this idea that the smallest indiscretion warrants coming down on them like a ton of brick whatever the context.

Give someone a little bit of power......

Did you know that you can go to the police? intentional harassment, causing alarm or distress to someone is an offense under section 5 of the public order act. You have the right to insist on a caution being issued which would remain on their record for 100 years. Even if they are 13yrs and it happened in school. Maybe you can let the school and relevant parents know this too.

Your poor dd. Does she not want to move because she doesn't believe things could be better elsewhere? Or because she is scared of the unknown? I remember someone posting once to say that a CAMHs psychologist had said off the record that where a child is experiencing sustained bullying by lots of the children, the only thing that really works is to move them. Did you watch Child of Our Time? There was a boy on it who was being bullied like this and the mother moved him and he was so much happier once he moved. I hope things improve for your daughter. She sounds like my daughter and I worry for her when she goes to high school. I plan to move her if this happens, although i know it is easy to say that but harder to do.

Just realised your conversation was over the phone, not face to face. This conversation is the first thing you need to confirm by email. Then do the same with future conversations and meetings.

It feels awkward and confrontational but it's actually helpful to everyone because it helps you to clarify any misunderstandings and reminds people to do the things they have agreed to do.

Excellent advice from Goldmandra. Follow up everything to with an email outlining your conversation and what was agreed. I failed to do that and when I was applying for DS to go to the other Middle school I realised the Head had made sure it was all over the phone so no written record.

We had the whole thing with the Head about DD and friends not aporoaching him when incidents happened. I said they didn't as felt he wouldn't do anything and he lost his cool and kind of shouted 'well they don't know me then'. He would only deal with major things and a lot if low level bullying went on.

One boy was blocking DD's way somewhere. We told the Head. He said he had spoken to him and he was 'absolutely mortified she could think that. He's a lovely boy, very upset, expecting parents to ring in actually'. The lovely boy then got cocky and rammed DD with a chair and as her friends saw Head had to act. There were clearly big problems with the school and to my huge delight he resigned just as I was applying for DS and a lovely new one has come. He has his work cut out though and once a culture of low level bullying gets established it takes time to improve.

If I were you now I would keep at the school and I would now ask for a meeting with HOY and Head, taking a friend to take notes. Your DD is scared for her safety and has talked of killing herself. This needs to be taken very seriously by the school. Use words like safeguarding issue, Duty of care.

As well as that I'd try to get her a space somewhere else to give maximum options. DD first talked about her current school a few years ago and I screeched that she wasn't going there. But I listened around and found people whose children had gone through, had done well and were really happy there. They are way behind our catchment upper in results they set and there are a couple of children there who tried the Grammar and hated it plus I have serveral friends who have children who look set to come out with high grades. DD's grades have hugely improved now she is happy.

When she first started she was really happy as her new friends wait for her after class and that had never happened before. I nearly cried when she said that.

Have another go at getting her into the Grammar and see what your chances are at the better comp. I know this is all very hard to deal with when you are in the middle of it but hang in there, you are going a good job in difficult circumstances.

Write a summary of what was discussed in the meeting and what action the HOY has agreed to take. Email the summary to her with reminders about anything on the bullying policy you feel should be done but hasn't been mentioned, e.g. exactly how and when your DD can approach staff for support. Make it fairly detailed because, if unchallenged, this becomes formal evidence if this escalates.

Ask about counselling again.

At the end of the email give her a timescale in which you'd like her to get back to you with the results of her investigation and details of what action will be taken.

Don't accept being treated like the other parent. Make it clear at all times that they have a responsibility to your DD and you expect them to live up to it.

Some other thoughts:

Just looking a bit more at the 'other' school's website - they do set for many subjects in KS3 such as English (lots of schools don't set for English) so that's good potentially for dd.

They had 2 students get 13 A/A*s last year and some others mentioned who got 9/10.

They do do two languages. But they don't (currently) offer triple science at GCSE, only single and applied.

Their sixth form is small. Options more limited than at other schools mentioned so far? But dd could move for sixth form.

Does dd have any friends still in the village at 'your' grammar? If so, that could well help her to settle and be the best solution - if you could get another appeal.

Or a fresh start where she knows nobody could also work.

Was thinking of suggesting a taxi to the bus stop for the 'other' grammar (with places) for the days when you are working late/early which wouldn't cost as much as independent fees (!) but it would make a very long day for her. Probably not the best option.

Asked ds last night if the girls in his year seem to get on well and are a friendly bunch - his very limited observations (thanks to his Asperger's) were not helpful 'yes, they all seem nice in my class!' but I will keep ears and eyes to the ground over the next few days. They are set for every subject at ds's school except technology. And have very small form groups (12/13) which could be a good thing - could be bad (no nastiness that the tutor doesn't instantly spot - but a smaller pool of potential friends?)

Good luck with more investigations/thoughts today.

In your place I would appeal for the grammar again (as well as pursuing the other things you are doing). I teach in a grammar and we have a great many girls like your DD. We come down on any bullying like a ton of bricks. There are also a lot of clubs girls can do at lunch if they don't have people to hang around with. Obviously I don't know if the grammar near you is similar, but there is likely to be a better group of potential friends for her there. Your poor DD. I hope you can get her some counselling before/if she changes schools so she can make a fresh start.