Ive been worried about dd at school for a year and finally it sounds like school are too.

Those are class anxiety symptoms. Your poor DD.

If she's the same on Monday take her to the GP to get her symptoms checked and logged.

Also contact the school nurse and ask them to attend the meeting you have asked for because your DD's emotional well-being is of paramount importance.

The education welfare officer may be interested too as their job is just as much about preventing school refusal as monitoring attendance.

Email the HOY and HT on Monday explaining this escalation in your DD's anxiety and ask them to bring the meeting forward to make sure measures are in place to allow her to feel safe when she returns to school.

Work really hard to get her back in for at least some part of every day next week. The longer she stays at home, the harder it will be for her to return. However, do it in a way that's right for her and tell them where to put their attendance figures if they start to complain.

Did dd go to school today, Viva?

I hope you've had some satisfactory communication from the school.

What would concern me most, I think, even if they do claim they're going to sort it out, is the number of badly controlled classes you've mentioned already at this school. How on earth can they manage bullying in that environment? And how can dd and the other interested students learn anything?

I know how that feels, shooting. My DD took two years of very carefully calculated bullying from a beautiful, golden hair little girl who was absolutely angelic the moment an adult was around. Luckily, when they moved onto the next school together and the bullying continued the new HT say through the angelic act and deal with her swiftly and effectively.

I think the OP's DD's school are choosing not to take control and hopefully a parent who means business will remind them of their responsibilities and they'll take some more effective action.

Goldmandra I do think the school let my DD down and that the fact that the main perpetrator of my DDs bullying was clever and wasn't actually one of the badly behaved girls but used the bullying of my DD to earn brownie points with them whilst giving the staff every appearance of being charming (she is almost certainly a sociopath) meant that they preferred to keep her onside at my DDs expense. However to be fair to the school the parents of the main gang were called into school on a regular basis, not least because those girls had some horrendous home stories, it was all attention seeking by some pretty disturbed characters. I just think the school just couldn't cope with the degree of dysfunction in the year and allowed the madams to manipulate the norms. When we gave them notice the Head of Year asked why we were leaving and when I replied that it was the year group, he said "I don't blame you"

It sounds as though this school have also lost control.

However they did not act on my DDs individual bullies because they felt that would make the problem worse

More like they didn't want to have to deal with the bullies' parents rushing to their DCs defence.

I found out to my cost some years ago that there is no nastier creature than a parent who has been told that their child is a bully.

The school took the easy way out and let your DD down big time, Shooting. They created a culture where bullying wasn't challenged and the bullies took full advantage of that. Your poor DD. I'm so glad she'd out of that situation now

Viva. We had exactly the same problems with my DD, even down to the same name calling, ugly, weird, the Virgin Mary etc. School were sympathetic and recognised the problem, it was recognised as a very difficult year. However they did not act on my DDs individual bullies because they felt that would make the problem worse, the main perpetrator was very clever and never let anyone see what she was doing. Instead they acted on any blatant bad behaviour and organised counselling for DD which she hated. When her sports kit was stolen by one of the bullies along with the watch in her pocket and another girl informed on them the school came down heavily and suspended one girl with the result my DD was ostracised and subjected to even more nastiness. She was very unhappy but didn't want to move school either. Her confidence suffered. The only compensation was that she did have a good friendship group but they were too scared of the bullies to do much but be supportive privately, and a couple of them left because of the atmosphere of bullying.

She finally started at a new sixth form after GCSE and she is completely transformed, lots of friends, invited to parties and included in activities. Academically she has flown (though it is a school with a less stellar academic record)and her confidence increases daily. I don't know if things would have been different if the school had acted differently short of excluding the bullies. From the response to the theft I would say they may have been right and it would have made things worse. These characters pick on someone vulnerable to build themselves up. Sometimes I felt that having bought my daughter up to have empathy and respect for others were what made her a target and there was something to be said for the old fashioned "give them boxing lessons so they can thump them" approach. I really wished we had moved her earlier.

I hope you find a way through this. Your letter sounds very good. What I can say for my DDs miserable 5 years is that she says she is now well equipped to handle the bullies she will sadly encounter in real life

OP, the Police are obligated to respond to these crimes. I was given this information by a serving police officer who works with schools. There is nothing stopping you reporting them to the police. Most people don't realise this because there is an expectation that children should tolerate crimes that adults would not. why?

It was nice of them to stick up for your dd.

If they did tell her to fuck off i could kind of see why she couldn't ignore it!

Neither suffer fools gladly.

That says it all really

I am sorry she is still having problems - it's horrible :(

I just want to swoop her up and run - you must be in bits over it.

On one hand it's a shame she doesn't want to move schools, on the other hand it's a good thing.

I hope the HOY pulls her finger out and gets this sorted out - there is very clearly a serious problem at the school. If you haven't already sent the letter, I would consider putting something in about how she has punished the girls trying to help her and how upset DD is about that stupid cow

I hope this does the trick and they sort their attitude in response to their kicked arse

I don't think it will do any harm to tell them what will happen if they don't sort it. I would certainly have done that at the next stage if not now.

Just add that you would like a meeting to review the situation because this will give them a deadline to work to.

This will rattle a few cages but you're not just going to help your own DD, Viva. If this changes their approach to bullying lots of children will be better off in that school.

Just thinking again, it might be worth ringing the other school that would be most practical and telling them about the bullying and your DDs distress. It might make a difference if they are sympathetic and they might be more likely to make a place for her.

Just a thought, but in my borough if you apply and get into a school that is more than, I think, don't quote me, about 5 miles away you can apply for a taxi that is paid for by the council.

Viva My son had a lot of this type of thing when he went to senior school, his junior school friends got very into the rugby team and the staff just picked the "star" children for everything so he never got chosen, even for things he was good at, because the rugby boys had such a high profile. He never wanted to complain as he felt the nastiness was just the general culture and it was the same for other kids too but I could see it was grinding him down.

We moved him at the start of year 10 and the difference was astounding. We went from the answer to "How was school today?" being "Shit" to "OK I suppose" (that's good for a teenage boy!) On the third day he came out of school smiling and I almost cried with relief as I hadn't seen that for so long. He never looked back; he was never one of the cool kids, although he really hit his stride in 6th form and was popular, he made nice friends, did excellently in GCSEs and A levels and is now a confident and successful young man.

The one thing I would say is that, if you move your DD, don't let her move as a victim, try to make sure she moves with a positive attitude as it will make things much easier. My DS says he left his first school feeling that everybody thought he was a loser, he began his new school with the idea that this was a new start and the chance to be the person he wanted to become.

Good luck to you and your DD

I think you should add in why your DD thought she couldn't raise it with her form teacher/HOY. I think you might also say something like: "Indeed, I can understand her concerns; when I raised this with her Head of Year, during a conversation on??, (Name of HOY) response appeared to be about her own hurt feelings rather than my daughter's wellbeing, "add in what HOY actually said.'.

I think given the amount of abuse your DS has suffered for so long that you would be justified in making your letter a little stronger in tone. You might mention when this issue began, and any other occasion on which you or your DD raised it with the school. ie, when you thank them for dealing with it 'so promptly' you might add 'especially given that this has been going on since (date)'.

You and other posters may think I am being too aggressive but you are in effect criticising them and they won't lie down and just take it. So be prepared. Also, tell them that if this isn't resolved immediately you will raise it with Ofsted as the school's inability to resolve the issue and to protect your daughter's physical and emotional safety is jeopardising her academic attainment, and moreover she is so distressed she has threatened to harm herself as a consequence.

Also, you might mention that while you have told your daughter that if she has an issue she needs to tell the school, as they cannot resolve it unless she tells them, the school should now consider itself as being put on notice of your daugher being bullied, and that given their duty of care towards your child they have a duty to be proactive in protecting her whilst she is at school in their care.

Be firm but reasonable, never excitable in tone but make it clear you expect some action to be taken immediately.

I am not criticising your letter -I think given your experience you are justified in making the tone a little less tolerant, and a bit more demanding, so you can afford to make it sound a but firmer.