Confident speaking! A preserve of Private?

IME it is worth getting them to prep for situations where they will want to naturally retire.

Even if it is a bit forced, it is better than silent mortifcation! DH says he enters any room/meeting with relative strangers with a few questions up his sleeve.

As for public speaking...well you need regular opportunities to do it! It's simply 6not^ the same thing as being confident in company. Public speaking requires a completely differents kill set. It isn't easy but it gets much easier with regular exposure. Like most things I suppose. And any good school will build that into its curriculum.

My experience of having a shy child (and an absurdly confident one) is not to make the child feel bad about being shy, they can't help it after all. However, I don't accept it either. I won't expect the same type of interaction but I do expect confidence (even if it is feigned).

Nothing to do with Private IMVHO.

This bit is more telling : Another friend mentioned how they'd had friends around for lunch and how the friends' Y12 DD spent the lunch in engaging conversation with the grown ups (whereas her Y8 DB spent the non-eating bits with my mate's DSs, Ys9 and 11 on their ipods in another room)

Children who sit at the dinner table every day and hold conversations over a meal naturally are not exclusive to those going to private education. Surely whatever their schooling, it is, as others have said, about practice, and that happens in all sorts of situations from when you are very young - from the infant being encouraged to pay for their own sweets in the shop, or go up to a stall and have a go on a game at a Christmas fayre, etc.,etc. Including family meals being whole family affairs.

My dc don't go to private schools but have spoken publicly in schools, in Church, through their Scouting, as well as conversations with people they don't necessarily know well / count as their friends, since they first started to talk.

Dd's school do English speaking board exams as part of the curriculum starting in juniors - not sure if you can enter as a private candidate. Music teacher prepares them - things like reciting poetry.

Also more opportunity for speaking parts in assembly/plays as small class sizes.

i think confident children seem to come from confident parents rather than from private school

MrsC No, no! I phrased it badly... I wasn't disagreeing with you in any way as regards what the skills actually are. But I thought the OP was asking how these skills could be instilled organically in children who are not instructed in them formally.

Sthing I wasn't ascribing future success to attending fee-paying schools in any way.

You could encourage him to do some volunteer work that involves some form of customer service (charity shop), speaking to new people (care of the aged), approaching people (charity collecting - for free).

Encourage the behaviour that Mrs Cakes mentions. My parents insisted on us helping out at social occasions - passing around food, drinks etc and we had to put in a couple of hours before sloping off to watch TV. They weren't immensely social but by the time you have had to tell your parents work colleagues/neighbours/random collection of motley crew all about yourself over and over, you got over it.

Both comp educated DSs have always been confident speakers. Youth theatre helped, I think.

Hit the wrong button twice!

Public speaking exams. These were offered at her school alongside music lessons. I was really surprised she wanted to do it but she has enjoyed it and I'm sure it's helped enormously. I think changing school for sixth form also helped as her new classmates didn't know her as the year 7 who was so shy as to be almost selectively mute.

I had been concerned how she would ever manage an interview but LAMDA plus growing up means that while she'll never be extrovert she'll be ok.

Oops - hit the wr

My dd has always been painfully shy - never wanted a speaking part in primary school plays etc. she has really benefitted from doing LAMDA public speak

MrsCakes talks a lot of sense and I completely agree with her advice, especially to force yourself to say something as soon as you can.

Sthing - sadly although we all can and should talk to our children and prepare them for life on their own vast numbers of people just don't and without being able to give you research to back this up I'd be willing to bet that the children of those parents go to state schools.

At the risk of coming over all Katie Hopkins this is a fact of life, obviously there will be exceptions but on the whole if the school doesn't give these children life skills they won't get them.

The posters on here will conform to this or will be the exceptions as this is a self selecting forum of the articulate and involved.

Not private but grammar here. Kids are given many opportunities for public speaking eg presenting assemblies to the whole school ( initially as a group of lower year kids and now DS is yr13 he has recently prepped and presented an assembly of his choice).

I agree if confident speaking ( and positive listening) is modelled by friends and family children pick it up. Also I think the encouragement to speak up from really young eg asking for a cake in a cakes hop, paying for it yourself and saying thanks.

I know some are naturally shy and need to be encouraged out of their shell. but the ability to say something to a random adult in an appropriate way is a really useful skill to cultivate.

MrsC Surely the point is that some children have mastered most of this by the time they start prep school? Because of the "talking culture" at home.

So it isn't really fair to ascribe future success purely to the advantage of a fee-paying school.

I suppose, to come back to the OP, some private school children do have a certain confidence. Sometimes they come across as bumptious or arrogant which, of course, does them no favours. I took dd to an exam at which there was a group of girls from a posh public school. God, they were awful. They looked super confident, with much hair flicking and braying. Confident - yes, but pleasant - no.

I think nice manners are always impressive. A young person can be quiet but, as MrsCakes says, a bit of eye contact, a look of interest and a friendly expression goes a long way.

I'm not talking about formal presentations here, but I do have a couple of things I've learned about speaking confidently in front of strangers because it is something that doesn't come at all naturally to me.

When you first meet the person look them in the eye and smile. If there is more than one person, take a moment to look and smile at everyone individually. In a work situation I'd probably shake hands, but certainly "eye contact; smile; nod; say hello".

Force yourself to chip in and say something as soon as you can. The longer you leave it, the harder it is to break the silence. The first comment doesn't have to be anything wise or earth shattering, just short and vaguely relevant.

When someone else says something, concentrate on what they are saying, look interested. Don't use the time while they are speaking to drift off and think about how embarrassed you feel.

Never look at the floor. Look at the people, maybe look down notes to stop it feeling too intense.

The more you pretend to be confident, the more you look confident and the more you feel confident.

Oddly enough I was going to "loud" but something distracted me.

is there a practical, non-contrived way to help them learn how to communicate confidently with adults?

I wrote a long rambling post in the middle of the night but I realise now that I may not have tried hard enough to find an answer to the question. Everything I've related falls into the "non-contrived" category. I can see it must take a lot more effort if these things don't come naturally.....

sthing no one mentioned loud!!!! You added that .

But it goes without saying that seeing confident public engagement day in day out is bound to rub off a bit.

As for interesting discussions etc. They're all fine, of course. But a child has to learn to express himself outside the family circle. And if his main example is a parent mumbling, fiddling on their phone, making no eye contact etc, then it's going to be harder.

Obviously, there will be notable exceptions. But generally this is the case.

One of the things DH most wanted for DC out of private school was confidence. DH isn't naturally outgoing. Very shy really. As is DS. DH has really had to force himself along the way and he wanted it to come far more naturally to the DC, especially DS who is, like him, naturally shy.

I'm not sure I agree that only well to do, loud, confident parents can pass on speaking skills. There's no reason why quiet, unconfident parents should not have opinions on current affairs, or funny things happening during their days, or interesting stories from their own youth, which they can share with their children - and encourage them to respond to.

I think it starts earlier, and is far less of a formal process than people are willing to consider.

sthing and people mumble, and speak inappropriately. And hunch their shoulders and don't smile!

Ugh!

X post! Was in answer to lboro.

lboro you make a good point about the parents.

Confident, engaging parents will pass this on to some extent. At least the DC see it in practice...

Ds has always been a good speaker (and has won public speaking competitions!) and communicator. He is at a state school. He is now 15 and has got a bit more awkward, as he has this (awful) squeaky, croaky voice which is high pitched one minute then suddenly plunges into a deep bass. Before he went off to work experience we did shaking hands and "How do you do?" practice.

I wouldn't stress about the "never knowingly undersold" debacle. They are notoriously up their own arses. Friend of mine had Saturday job there for several years. After university she applied to their training scheme and was summarily rejected, after being their star salesperson. Her entire family vowed never to darken the door of that emporium again!

But (almost) everyone can talk to their children at home..... And when they're out with them.

It's alarming to see people on the street, in shops, parks wherever with toddlers - ignoring them completely. Ears clamped to something more interesting. Or walking six feet ahead of the child. It really isn't solely the school's responsibility to socialise a child.