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"So-called friend"

84 replies

SanityClause · 02/10/2013 11:59

DD2 is 12, in year 8.

There is a girl in her class who she was good friends with from year 3. They would sometimes fall out, then make up friends, as people do.

However, particularly since they have been in the senior school, things have become quite unpleasant between them.

The girl (X) began to ignore DD, for no apparent reason, for weeks at a time. While this was happening, she would also encourage others in the friendship group to ignore DD.

After a while, she would decide to be friends. She would give her reasons for the falling out to be things like "I'm sorry, I was in a bad mood, and I took it out on you." or "I called you in the corridor, but you didn't answer, so I thought you were ignoring me" (DD had not heard her call.) At first DD was happy to make friends with her, but she soon got tired of the cycle, and stopped wanting to be friends with her. Then X would involve all their other friends and DD would feel very pressurised into making up, only to be subject to the same silent treatment a few weeks later.

As DD became more resolute in not wanting to make up friends again, X started to involve the rest of the class in pressurising DD to be friends with her. At least once, she had the form teacher involved in "peacemaking". (The next time it happened, I emailed the teacher to ask her, politely, to stay out of it, on DD's request.)

X makes things very difficult for DD, when she is ignoring her. She will say nasty things about her to other friends. If DD is chatting to someone, X will call them away, to speak to them "urgently".

It seems like, not content to ostrasize DD herself, she wants to encourage the rest of the girls to do so.

Recently, she has really ramped up the situation, trying to get DD in to trouble. In one practical lesson, DD and her partner were next to X and her partner. They were a bit rowdy, and X told the teacher, who (rightly) told them off. But a couple of days later, X told the teacher that it had happened again, which was untrue. (DD had to go to the teacher to explain - luckily she was believed.)

So.

A couple of days ago, X's mother rang me to say that X had come out of school in tears, because DD had spread a rumour about her. I questioned DD, and she told me that she and three other girls had been joking between the four of them, that one of the four had had sex with X (a silly schoolgirl joke, although, I agree not fair to joke about X who wasn't there - I have spoken to DD about this).

Somehow, the joke spread beyond the four of them. DD did not spread it, and I think possibly it was overheard by someone else, who spread it as a rumour. The rumour was spread over the course of the afternoon, but no one spoke about it at all the following day. So, X had a very unpleasant afternoon.

DD sent a text to X apologising profusely about her part in the situation. X replied to the text demanding that DD go round to tell everyone she had spread the rumour to that it was not true. In fact, DD had not spread the rumour, so had no one to tell. And in any case, as DD pointed out, that would only dredge it up again, and be worse for X.

X has blamed only DD and does not apportion any blame to the other girls in the four. Further, she has told others (including one of the group of four "jokers") that DD's apology is not a proper apology.

So it seems to me that she is now using this as just one further thing to get at DD.

X's mother does not believe DD's version of events, even though X was not there at the time, and therefore could not have known how the rumour started. She was very upset and apalled at the nature of the joking. (Perhaps that was coloured by the fact that it had caused the horrible rumour though, rather than actually being offended by it, though, because I thought the joke quite tame, although not really amusing.)

So, my concern is this. That X will continue to try to ostracize DD from her friends, and make her school life very difficult. DD is low down the social pecking order in the class, anyway, and can't afford to lose friends, as she would find it hard to make new ones.

Should I speak to the school, or is it all too nebulous?

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SanityClause · 05/10/2013 08:19

Actually, Ilove, I have an older DD, as well, and she doesn't seem to have had any of the same problems, at all. Different ones, but not this kind of thing.

I'm pleased that you and other teachers on this thread have acknowledged what a problem this kind of thing can be. Because, as I have said earlier, it sounds like nothing at all, but has made DD miserable.

Also, it's good to know that, in your experience, we probably only have a year or so of it left!

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Ilovegeorgeclooney · 05/10/2013 08:06

I have to say as a teacher and a mother of two daughters that Year 8 girls are vile to each other. 'Mean Girls' is a very accurate film! The good thing is that by Year 9 it settles down and by Year 10 most are really lovely and supportive of each other.

It is one of the differences between boys and girls. Generally with boys a playground scuffle and a headlock will satisfy honour and all is well. Unfortunately girls use words.

alpinemeadow · 05/10/2013 06:23

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Driz · 05/10/2013 01:28

Haaa haaa shooting! And with that comment so do you! Grin

Shootingatpigeons · 04/10/2013 23:47

Driz You sound a bit 12 yourself...... Yes you are right, leave it to the adults who have some clue what is really going on

Driz · 04/10/2013 23:37

Ah, ok she wasn't spreading nasty rumours, just starting them? I get it.
Why should they come to you? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to seek advice from someone neutral? You sound very interfering, I feel sorry for the other girl more and more.

alpinemeadow · 04/10/2013 22:17

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SanityClause · 04/10/2013 21:47

Driz, I do appreciate you're only trying to aggravate. DD did not spread rumours. RTFT?

Thanks for asking, alpine. The HOY emailed me, afterwards.

"DD and X feel that their friendship is currently not working. They have decided that they will remain civil towards one another as they share a friendship group.

They both agreed they would not discuss the matter further with any third parties and if there are any future misunderstanding or unpleasantness they will come to me for help.

I was incredibly impressed with the maturity both girls showed and they left walking to lunch together. They both shook hands and made it clear they did not want to upset one another any further."

So, it sounds promising, but we shall see.

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alpinemeadow · 04/10/2013 21:38

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Shootingatpigeons · 04/10/2013 14:24

No Driz It is not what 12 year old girls do. Plenty of 12 year old girls have been raised to have respect for others and to understand the boundaries of good behaviour. They do not bully and exclude. Some 12 year olds play games, manipulate, bully and exclude because they do not understand that it is wrong. They are often troubled and crave the attention and self esteem they gain from it, but at the expense of others. They need to understand that what they do is unacceptable and understand the consequences for others. Sadly as Slipshodsybil's excellent post and the article she linked to highlighted, too often teachers and people like you excuse such behaviour as typical pre teen/ teen behaviour but it isn't. If they are not going to learn the boundaries of acceptable behaviour at home, then schools and teachers have to ensure they learn them at school. They need to understand before they go out into the real grown up world where those sorts of behaviours will win them few friends and little happiness.

Driz · 04/10/2013 12:58

It is what 12 year old girls do, they can be vile. Although you do only have your daughter's word about what is going on, how do you know your DD isn't being more spiteful? After all, making jokes about the girl and spreading rumours is abhorrent.

SanityClause · 04/10/2013 06:55

Oh, and thank you to everyone who has replied, even if I haven't answered you directly. Your comments have been very useful.

Flowers
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SanityClause · 04/10/2013 06:48

Well, Driz, I'm sure if it is my DD that is the bully, the school will find out soon enough.

I was perfectly straight with the HOY about the joking and how the rumour spread. She seemed to have no difficulty in accepting that it was a stupid joke that got out of hand.

As for your comment about "petty and irritating", well, if one of your friends stopped speaking to you, for no reason, for weeks at a time, you'd just make up with them again after, time after time, would you? Or perhaps you would have tried to break off the friendship by now?

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BadgerB · 04/10/2013 06:39

Driz - have you READ this thread? I can't believe your take on it!

Driz · 04/10/2013 03:23

I would seriously be questioning just what else your daughter has done to this girl. While the girl is being petty and irritating (she sounds so like. Uh. 12) your daughter is engaging in quite nasty bullying behaviour

SanityClause · 03/10/2013 22:39

Thanks for that link, slipshod.

I know the sex joke thing with my DD sounds really bad, but she was absolutely shocked by the fallout. I saw the text she sent apologising, and when I asked her how she would feel if her place and X's were reversed, as far as the initial joking was concerned, she was really stricken.

Apparently one of the other girls involved texted X just after school on the day it happened, and X told her she was fine about it, and it was all over, and not to worry. And then made a big fuss to her mother about my DD. Hmmmmm!

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Slipshodsibyl · 03/10/2013 22:14

teenadvice.about.com/od/violencebullying/a/girlbullies.htm

Here is a link to an article about this kind of thing. There are also a number if books: 'Queen bees and wannabees'is one (but quite American) and there is a more recent good one it I cannot remember the author - Kate Figes maybe?

I am a bit surprised that so many posters felt your daughter might be at fault when this girl-specific 'exclusion' bullying is so very common and has been publicised quite a bit recently with several suicides of young girls.

As the article suggests, the very invisible nature of the bullying means that adults minimise it, ignore the misery it causes and its effects and even believe this is a normal kind of social hierarchy which has to be lived with by simply avoiding the group of bullies.

Your daughter sounds kind and mature.

SanityClause · 03/10/2013 21:54

Sorry, x post. Smile

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SanityClause · 03/10/2013 21:53

I have been to the school, Vivienne. See my update, above.

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Viviennemary · 03/10/2013 21:53

Sorry didn't read thread. Blush Hope things are sorted out soon.

SanityClause · 03/10/2013 21:52

Absolutely, slipshod. When you say all the things that happen, they just sound so petty. Particularly as X is, on the face of it, a nice girl. She's just not very nice to my DD!

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Viviennemary · 03/10/2013 21:50

This other girl does sound as if she likes to be in control of things. But your DD should not have got involved with this rumour spreading. However, all this falling out is quite usual amongst girls of that age but that probably doesn't help you now.

I think it was quite a serious thing that your DD got involved with and was beyond a silly joke. But it's done now and hopefully your DD will have learned not to do anything like that again. Maybe it would be better to approach the school now and get their suggestions on how to deal with it. Because if the problem doesn't go away it will have to be dealt with eventually.

Slipshodsibyl · 03/10/2013 21:36

This kind of manipulation, as shooting points out, is really, really hard for teachers to spot as it is silent and involves others being too worried about being the next girl to be targeted. It is horrid for the victim, so I think you have done the right thing in going to school. I hope things get better for her now, but it is a difficult kind of bullying to deal with.

alpinemeadow · 03/10/2013 20:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanityClause · 03/10/2013 19:40

DD can't just "stay away" from from X, as when she is chatting to other friends, X will come and either call the friend away, physically pull them away, or stand in between them, with her back to DD.

Anyway, I went to see the HOY. I spoke to her, first, then DD came in and she listened to her. She asked DD what she wanted to happen. She said she just wanted to be able to get along with her life without X causing trouble with her friends. She didn't want to be friends with X again, but she wanted them to be civil to each other.

So, the HOY will speak to both of them together tomorrow to hopefully get X to agree to that. Obviously X will also have a chance to put her POV across.

And at least now it's on record at the school.

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