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Year 7 boy Very Stressed

33 replies

StressedandFrazzled · 16/05/2013 10:43

My year 7 DS moved from a state primary to an independent school in London, in September. He was top dog at primary (very happy and confident) and was only boy from his school to go to his new school where he knew no one. At first he loved it, and in some ways still does, but he's finding the social thing, very hard, and he spent Monday Tuesday and Wednesday at home, with stomach cramps, which the GP says is common in children who are stressed. The stomach thing has been going on for about two terms,(but never for as long as that) and he's had a blood test (all clear) and is having one further test. It's a mixed school, he has a few boy friends in other classes but is finding it hard pushing himself into groups and finding partners when asked to in sports lessons etc. That whole area is making him very stressed resulting in the stomach cramps. I think partly because he's very small and as he says, "it's hard when you're small to make your presence felt." We have been to see form teacher who says he's going to reintroduce a seating plan for registration, so he doesn't have to agonise over where to sit, and academically he's doing very well. But then the same form teacher emailed the next day to say sorry my DS wasn't at school, when he clearly was and he hadn't noticed somehow in registration, thereby reinforcing my DS's view that he is a bit invisible. He's joined several lunch time and after school groups, had friends over etc. but something isn't working. Last term he often found himself having lunch alone etc. Do I think about moving him? Or hope that he settles down next academic year? How common is this problem? Of course I would expect some teething problems coming from small primary, but we are in summer term now. Have to add that some of these children at his school have been together for a while, as they were in prep school together, but some of the kids who were new at 11 have settled.

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ThreeBeeOneGee · 25/05/2013 22:23

WastedTomatoGuts: the fact that one of my best friends (who he was also close to) died suddenly and unexpectedly a month ago. The fact that his mum is grieving. The fact that his brother has autism. The fact that his dad has a chronic and incurable medical condition. I'm guessing probably one of those.

WastedTomatoGuts · 25/05/2013 21:51

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ElizaDoLots · 23/05/2013 10:59

I hope your DS is OK. I'm wondering if your DS may be stressed about exam performance too? I have noticed quite a few spats amongst DS's friends recently and I think they are all stressed about their first set of exams (results dictate sets next year).

It's good you've managed to get him in to see a counsellor - I'm sure that will help. Could you organise a trip to the cinema or paintballing or something over half term to kick start a few friendships?

alpinemeadow · 20/05/2013 21:12

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ThreeBeeOneGee · 20/05/2013 20:15

I realise that this isn't my thread, but just wanted to update that DS1 has an initial appointment with a counsellor at school this week to see if she (and he) think it might help.

alpinemeadow · 19/05/2013 21:36

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ll31 · 19/05/2013 19:44

Was there any particular reason why he went to different school than his primary friends? If he's that unhappy I would consider other schools. Their response doesn't seem great tbh

StressedandFrazzled · 19/05/2013 08:05

Thank you for all your sympathetic and useful comments - he's been to counsellor this weekend, and did some relaxation and fell asleep! She's given him tools to work with (breathing etc) He said to her that perhaps the problem was him not being open to others, more than others rejecting him. She's given tools to work with, and am building up to big talk with school. I like the idea of breathing exercises every morning.

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marriedinwhiteagain · 18/05/2013 10:33

She was more at ease in the new school and so integrated better because she was less wary of things kicking off.

I would say that in the independent sector an end of y8 move is pretty normal because it coincides with common entrance at 13. Although at dd's school the main transfer point was 11 the age range is 4-18 with 13 as a small entry point from certain feeders.

I think the OP should look at schools now with entry at 13 and get her DS ready to move if things don't work out - that way doors will remain open at a natural changeover time.

DD was offered a place at her present school at 11. We had a joint first choice, a second choice and effectively a 4th choice (albeit due to a difficult location). Odd how the 4th choice has worked out perfectly.

OP - it was tough at the time for all of us but it all worked out OK and I think dd is more mature for it and certainly came to no long term harm.

alpinemeadow · 18/05/2013 09:30

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alpinemeadow · 18/05/2013 09:23

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marriedinwhiteagain · 18/05/2013 09:10

We moved state to independent. Because borough transfers were not involved we did not formally notify the old school that dd would not return and her place could be released until after the start of the autumn term. They had complied with references an there was nothing they could do until we formally confirmed dd would not return. But yes they were miffed she went - bright girl, no trouble, parents who donated. Nut a family with a choice. I believe steps are now being taken to deal with the school's management by the governors with whom the penny has now dropped.

eatyourveg · 18/05/2013 08:54

just to say dc's school seem to take a fair few in Y8 - they are nearly all dc who have tried the state system and it hasn't worked. Y9 the prep school dc come in, so in the first 3 years, newcomers are commonplace - it certainly wouldn't be strange and being a small school the friendship groups are not difficult to infiltrate

alpinemeadow · 17/05/2013 22:52

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alpinemeadow · 17/05/2013 22:49

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marriedinwhiteagain · 17/05/2013 22:21

We felt dd would be happier at a different school. She had a taster day at the end of Y8 and loved it. We said that if she didn't like it at the end of the first week in Y9 she could go back to the old school. But the idea, became embedded over the summer holidays and she was keen to go in the Sept. We informed the old school she would not return after the first week at the new school with dd's full consent. It was not until then she or we properly realised what a bad experience she had had.

marriedinwhiteagain · 17/05/2013 22:15

With hindsight we should have moved her after Y7. She is quiet and was v stressed and we didn't want to stress her more by moving her. DD was v brave but didn't know any better, she was 12 - merely 12. We also hoped the school would do what they said they would do and fulfil promises. They did not.

alpinemeadow · 17/05/2013 22:11

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marriedinwhiteagain · 17/05/2013 21:52

When DS transferred to london indy junior school at 8 there was, in term 2, some low level bullying. We had a word with the form teacher - nothing. We wrote to the form teacher - lip service. We wrote to the headmaster. Sorted in three days flat and never looked back.

We sent dd to a renowned london girls comp. She spent year 7 terrified and the head made all the right noises. She had counselling and that helped; she had friends but that didn't alter the fact that the head did nada about behaviour (we had some otHer concerns about the direction of the school too). We moved dd after Y 8 and within weeks had our old dd back again and at the end of Y10 she is so happy and doing so well. Last year the old school's public exam results nose dived - five years after new management moved in.

Follow your heart OP. To me he sounds a square peg in a round hole and five out of 16 or 18 yers of life is a huge and formative portion of a life to be unhappy.

alpinemeadow · 17/05/2013 21:45

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ThreeBeeOneGee · 17/05/2013 20:52

He had a rough patch in Y6 and found the books by J.Alexander quite helpful (How To Be Happy etc) but they are more for 9-12 year olds so I'm looking for something equivalent for teenagers.

I know Dawn Huebner has written some books but don't know what age they are aimed at.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 17/05/2013 20:49

DS1 is in Y8 and happy at school but for the last month has been suffering from low mood, anxiety & abdominal cramps. It was triggered by the very sudden death of one of my closest friends. He was close to her too and is not coping well.

I also doubt he would get any help from CAMHS as they understandably have to allocate resources to young people who have more serious needs than his. There are bereavement charites that offer counselling to young people, but again priority understandably goes to those who have lost a parent or sibling.

I am in the process of trying to approach the school to see of they can help him. In the meantime he is writing a journal which seems to help him a little.

viktoria · 17/05/2013 17:25

Stressed, I have a similar problem, a DS in Year 7, with stomach cramps, anxiety etc. I think it's fairly common.
We are currently waiting for CBT, DS is doing breathing exercises every morning with the head of pastoral care (which is really simple, but has helped him lots - breathe in all the good things, breathe out all your worries) and I have also taken him to the homeopath. Homepathic remedies certainly seem to help him, but so far they are more a crutch (which I'm grateful for though) than a solution.
Of ocurse I don't know your DS circumstances, but I think moving him to another school might not be the answer.
I don't know if your DS is like mine, but I am at a point where I'm thinking, my DS will never be a happy go lucky person - he will always worry about things. That is the way he is, and I'm sure it will have certain advantages throughout his life. Rather than stopping him worrying and being anxious altogether, I hope I can help him find a way where he can keep his worrying more contained.
Was your DS happy in primary school, or were there underlying worries then too?

DeWe · 17/05/2013 10:29

If he's friends in other classes could he move?
At dd1's school they are very helpful about moving classes for friendships, there's still a few movements happening even at this time, as people make friends in other classes or still haven't made friends in their own class.

The not pushing is a problem. I don't think it is actually anything to do with his height-I've seen it happen with tall ones too. I have this with dd1. She sees a group talking that she'd like to join and she assumes because they're together they won't want her, even if in theory she knows they wouldn't mind her joining in, she won't go unless specifically asked. So she would be having lunch on her won simply because she lacked confidence to go up to someone she knew and say "mind if I join you". They then assume she doesn't want to be friends and the cycle continues.

eatyourveg · 17/05/2013 09:34

I would think of moving him too - to a more nurturing school with a good reputation for its pastoral work. Which part of London are you in?

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