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Original poster

Worried about Private school

164 replies

CountingClouds · 02/02/2013 13:23

My DC has passed the entrance exams, and been offered a scholarship, for a very good private secondary. What worries me is that the head has expressed concerns that 'we' night not fit in to their environment.

DC is in year six and predicted a strong level six in Maths and Literacy. Wide ranging extra curricular interests with friends also planning to attend the school. Local state Primary has always said DC has strong personality but well behaved, polite and a wonderful pupil etc.

I can only guess at the subtext behind the heads comments, single parent, working class, don't socialist within the local wealthy cliques, can't afford skiing holidays, asking awkward questions at the information events, challenging the schools opinion, DC having extra needs etc etc.

So the place we are offered is conditional on us accepting their ideology of being seen and not heard, that we don't rock the boat and DC's personality being supplanted by the tried and tested Stepford children conditioning (I paraphrase the heads words).

I want the best education for my DC but is it worth sacrificing his amazing individual personality, and possibly extinguish what I think makes him heads and shoulders above his peers? The alternative is a strong state school, good social inclusion, will meet DC's extra needs, good academic record, well regarded locally but maybe not so established nationally so might not look as good on his CV as a private school.

Ten years ago I always dreamt of a private school and have remortgaged in-case DC didn't get a scholarship, but not the time has come to decide. Am I mad to pass up the chance of sending my DC to a private school because its full of stuck up snobs?

OP posts:
Original poster
CountingClouds · 02/02/2013 14:04

I was hoping to get the best opportunities for my DC's future, and a top private school opens more doors that a 'bog standard' state education.

I am friends with several of the other parents that will be going to the school, but they are happy dropping their kids off and expecting a perfectly well behaved 'clone' with lots of qualifications to come back after 7 years. Having got to learn more about this type of 'conditioning' it is worrying me. Just look at the Eton elites that are out of touch with reality and run our country.

I am not condemning private schools, I have been a fan of them, just not this one and its probably to late to get a scholarship into a different one.

If I did stick my two fingers up at the head and went there anyway, can they withdraw the scholarship or ask DC to leave if we cant afford the school trips or don't conform to their methods?

OP posts:
ohfunnyhoneyface · 02/02/2013 14:02

Why do you want to educate your child at an establishment that is entirely at odds with your own values and ethics?

If you were questioning things even at the information eve stage, why go through with the application?

Muminwestlondon · 02/02/2013 14:02

If your DS has an attractive personality he will do well. A colleague with a son on a scholarship found parents queuing up for their sons to be friends with him - he is half Nigerian and lives on a rough council estate which she thought was part of the attraction - he is a very lively and friendly boy.

Sometimes other parents appreciate people like you who rock the boat a bit. Not sure if it is a good idea to let everyone know you are on a bursary or scholarship - we found a great deal of bitching and jealously from other parents.

I currently know a teenage girl at a well known school on a scholarship who does find it extremely hard because the girls cannot comprehend what it is to have no money, she has quite poor social skills which don't help. This is the sort of school where Russian oligarchs send their kids.

Both my kids previously attended private schools and made friends with kids much richer than us. Parents generally very nice and not snobby, generous in paying for things and not expecting much in return.

My younger DD's best friend at her state primary suddenly became rich overnight when her Mum started going out with a really rich guy - she was treated to sleepovers in Hamleys, trips on private jets and yachts etc. They are still friends and I do feel a bit guilty sometimes at the amounts spent on DD, but the kids are friends and that is the most valuable thing to all parties obviously.

happygardening · 02/02/2013 13:58

Well look on the brightside at least he's being honest with you although I'm surprised your DC was offered a scholarship if he was genuinely this concerned. Many independent schools rightly or wrongly want a type of child/family although few are as up front about it as this. If you feel you won't or can't fit this ideal or as importantly will always feel unconfortable in this school tell him to forget it and try find somewhere more suitable. Just to add as a fellow boat rocker we are sadly not welcomed in so many areas of life. I w

AuntieStella · 02/02/2013 13:55

Never heard of a school with that approach. Run fast, run far.

Original poster
CountingClouds · 02/02/2013 13:52

I have it in writing from the head that we would probably not fit in, that the offer was conditional on DC's personality conforming to fit the schools tried and tested methods of producing leaders. That participating in all (very expensive) overseas trips would be expected as part of conditioning DC. That they couldn't change any of their activities/lessons for one child's extra needs and they would have to fit in as best they can. And more comments in person from several other members of staff. I don't mean to infer they were even aware of their narrow mindedness, but they were just very blinkered.

The other parents are probably nice, I am mainly talking about the attitude from the top of the school.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 02/02/2013 13:44

I cannot square a comment about "not fitting in" with the offer of a scholarship. Either they really want her (against all the stiff competition for scholarships), or they don't think she's a good fit (and would therefore not make an offer).

It does not sound as if you are happy with choosing this particular school, so you should decline the offer on Monday.

BCBG · 02/02/2013 13:43
Biscuit
GirlsTimesThree · 02/02/2013 13:40

My girls are at an independent school, but I wouldn't want them to be anywhere with that kind of ethos! I wouldn't want them to think they (or we) weren't worthy of a place, or that they had to keep quiet about who they are or where they come from. It sickens me to think that some people think they're better than others simply because they earn more money, or is it the fact that you're a single parent? That's a very outdated idea which would make me wonder about the rest of the attitudes of the school.
If the local school is good I think I'd be tempted to go there where he'll be valued for he is rather than his family income or set up.
Or you can stick two fingers up to the head and send him anyway. His personality will be shaped more by you and his home life than school. Where do you think he'll be happier?

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 02/02/2013 13:35

Vast majority of private schools, that is.

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 02/02/2013 13:34

Good God, the head actually said this???

I have never heard of a head of a private secondary coming out with stuff like this. Most would be be bending over backwards to get bright kids from ordinary backgrounds into the school. At the vast majority of schools the parents don't care how much money your family has and the DCs care even less.

In your place I would not let mey DCs near a school with a head like this. Much better to go with your excellent local state school where he will get a great education by the sound of it.

olivo · 02/02/2013 13:34

Hmmm, two things spring to mind. What are you hoping that he gets from the private school that he can't get at the local state secondary? And just because the head coms across as a snob, are you sure all the parents and children are?

My DD goes to a fee paying school but, while there are some snobs, many of the parents are just like us, working bloody hard so they can afford the fees, and putting all their finances the school way, rather than posh cars, big TVs and luxurious holidays. I was worried we would be looked down on but not at all.

Toughasoldboots · 02/02/2013 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BIWI · 02/02/2013 13:27

Bleurgh. How awful. And how horrible that your DC would start school with this kind of context/these kind of people looking down at him like this.

Send him to the state school and save your money.

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