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Original poster

What can I do to help ds toughen up a bit?

35 replies

seeker · 15/01/2013 08:40

That sounds awful- but he does need to! He's in year 7, and both his friends and his "enemies" know exactly how to push his buttons and he gets upset- so obviously they do it again. It's not bullying, I'm sure of that, it's just normal messing around- and when we talk about it at home he is very aware that he has over reacted, and kicks himself. We're trying to come up with strategies to help, and they are working a bit- a clever come back is his favourite, or if all else fails, to ignore. He's a very cosetted and petted younger child with a big sister who adores him, and I'm beginning to think that a bit more emotional rough and tumble would have been good for him- he's not good at being teased or laughed at at home either. I think because I was very conscious that I was raising a boy, I worked too hard on the sensitivity and neglected the resilience! What can I do at this stage to help?

OP posts:
schoolnurse · 15/01/2013 16:05

A few years ago I had an incidence with two boys same age as your DS OP. Other boys were making comments about something these boys were up to like your DSs situation the other were messing around there was no real malice. One boy who was sensitive like your DS took it very badly the other boy laughed it off "they have a point" he said. The mother of the first child didn't help she came in all guns blazing the mother of the second child shrugged her shoulders "its just boys mucking around isn't it?" The second child was never teased again as far as we were aware and remained very popular with the other boys "he can take a joke" one boy told me the first boy was always slightly on the outside of the group those teasers had got into trouble and thus were wary of upsetting him again incase they got into trouble again. The moral of this story: tell you DS to laugh it off kids love to tease the weak or those who rise to it.

lljkk · 15/01/2013 14:20

I am a big fan of martial arts for teaching them (not how to beat someone up but rather) how to handle conflict. How to keep their cool under pressure. How to take a social type defeat with grace. How to bounce back and try again. All the emotional and discipline sides.

Oh and yes, something like Judo also teaches how to flip someone over and pin them to ground if they get too annoying (bonus).

guineapiglet · 15/01/2013 13:44

My son has just moved into a HS in a completely different area due to house move - he has, ahem, red hair -( it is amazing to me that anybody would still find this unusual after thousands of years, but there we go.....) as you can imagine, this has resulted in lots of comments and name calling, - like others have said, lads this age are quite sensitive souls, they have moved from being big fish at primary school, to their position as tadpoles in a huge school system - sink or swim almost. Kids delight in ANYTHING which doesnt fit their bog standard view of things - and go out of their way in some cases to make the 'victim's' life a misery. Some times quick responses, clever responses and shrugs work, sometimes it can make things worse - alot depends on the person doing the 'picking' so to speak. I can read him very well and know when to stand back and when to try and get a bit more involved with what has been going on in his day, and would take it further with the school if I had genuine concerns - I think they need to know they have your support if and when needed, otherwise they have to tough it out themselves - that's life I guess!

crazygracieuk · 15/01/2013 12:53

I am going to disagree with basildonbond and say clever retorts are the way forward.

I have a son in Y7 who's Achilles heel is his shortness. He deals with it by using clever retorts. He knows what he's good at, what his friends are not good at and how getting physical achieves nothing as he's smaller than average. He is very observant so has picked up how others deal with similar situations so can often turn a situation round quickly.

yumskimumski · 15/01/2013 12:20

The trouble is, that we tell our sons they have to be sensitive to other people's feelings - which let's face it doesn't always come naturally to them - but we don't prepare them for other people failing to play by those rules. And as for your ds's form tutor - what a pillock! Have been musing about how I used to be a sensitive soul, but it's worn off. Now just jaded and surly. Same thing will happen to your son, but it may be a painful process getting there!

Original poster
seeker · 15/01/2013 12:12

I sort of feel sorry for him- but he does bring it on himself quite a lot! His form tutor confessed yesterday that he lost his cool with him last week and said "Oh, for goodness sake, man up!" He was really embarrassed and apologised to ds afterwards, but I know exactly how he felt!

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yumskimumski · 15/01/2013 12:02

Feel very sorry for your DS. It's such a sensitive age. Well, my DH says to our kids that the best response to any remark is "So?" with a shrug, thereby acknowledging the remark and rendering it pointless. DH is the most laid-back person on the planet, so it seems to have worked for him! I have DS1 who has completely adopted DH's laid-back attitude, and DS2 who is far more sensitive and whose buttons are also very easy to push. We're trying to drill it into him that the absolute key is not to care - really not to care. Easy to say...

Original poster
seeker · 15/01/2013 11:51

Shameless bump!

OP posts:
Original poster
seeker · 15/01/2013 09:18

He's found that the smart arse comment does work with his friends- I think some of it is learning when to use which strategy! Oh, and learning that getting stroppy or upset and showing it never works! We need to work on making sure it never works at home, either. Must have a word with doting big sister....

OP posts:
basildonbond · 15/01/2013 09:08

he just needs to ignore - no reaction at all is best as that's the most boring for the 'teasers'

I'd avoid trying to get into clever retorts as they're often not seen that way by the other boys and will be seen as proof that whatever they're doing is getting to him

ds2 used to overreact and it took him ages to realise that the way he dealt with it was fuelling the teasing

it's actually much better for him at secondary as he's in a class full of other geeky uncool boys (they're lovely really!) and he doesn't stick out in the same way he did at primary (plus all the teasers are in a different stream phew)