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Original poster

Yr8 Daughter is Miserable -- What Can I Do?

37 replies

Spalva · 08/11/2012 10:02

This is a long story -- one I've shared in two other posts here. Short: we moved to the UK (Essex) in late August; dd did not get any of our top-choice schools; she is in a local state school where behaviour is not very good; all of it is a huge adjustment for her, coming from a different country, a tiny school, being multilingual, very bright, etc; I appealed to our top choice school and lost; she is on waiting list for that school.

So...she has not made one friend. She is very lonesome and very homesick (last country was not our home but she considers it to be so). The kids at school taunt her for not hiking up her skirt (one girl actually said, "I'm loving the length of your skirt!" then giggling with her group of friends), for not having any friends (they come to her and ask her why she's alone, she replies that she hasn't any friends yet, they say awwwww and walk off). She says yesterday a boy purposefully poured water on her feet, saying Oops! in a very sarcastic tone. I try to help her but she's 12 and sensitive and just wants a friend! There was a girl downstairs from us who was talking to her but now she's not anymore. There was a boy who said she's pretty and was always happy to see her who is now not speaking to her anymore, either.

All this would probably be fine if she was academically challenged because she loves school and that would make up for a lot. She says she feels the school is actually opposite to what it says its specialisation is. She is extremely keen on those subjects but she feels her teachers actually hate those subjects. They seem to have put her in a low set in English despite the fact that I reassured them several times that she is in the top 3 percentile (they think she is an English-learner despite the fact that I am American). She chose to read Emma in class because that was the only book on the entire list that she hadn't already read. She says English class is so disruptive that she can't concentrate to read and nothing gets done.
She doesn't really understand the whole system very well and nobody has taken the time to explain things like sets and how the grading works, etc.

The school has very few interesting clubs. Her form tutor (he's wonderful) keeps urging her to join but there are no science-related clubs, no robotics, no rocketry, no animation, no website building, etc. She would play basketball but it's netball and she has no clue about that sport. There is no school newspaper. I'm just mentioning ones she was involved in the tiny school she was at before.

There is no space in any other school around here. I'm almost certainly going to take her out and home educate by the end of the week. I do have her academic review to attend this afternoon, so I'm hoping to sort some things out.

What would you do? How can I help her? How can I find a better school for her? I'm confused, stressed and quite lonesome myself, actually, since I haven't made any friends yet either. I suppose I'm also just looking for some sympathy here.

OP posts:
Abra1d · 09/11/2012 13:36

Don't worry about the commute time, unless it is unbearable for you to get her there. They get used to longer journeys to and from school.

RedHelenB · 09/11/2012 13:23

Why not give netball a try? It won't take long to learn the rules, my dd in Y7 is only now starting to learn it.

BrigitBigKnickers · 09/11/2012 13:09

From your previous posts I know the school you are talking about- they have a new head but it will take time to turn the place around.

It might be worth asking the local independent school (about 5 mins walk from the one your DD is at) about bursaries/ scholarships. My DD is there and it's a very international school. The pastoral care is fantastic and the extra curricular stuff is outstanding. They also do the IB.

I take it you have enquired about St M in Hutton? Or even go a little further afield into Billericay- The Mayflower is a good school and is easy to get to via rail from where you live.

If she is bright have you considered some of the grammar schools in Southend? I think they do a 13+ for entry into year 9. They are further afield but there are bus services that go from where you live and are also accessible by train and bus.

Original poster
Spalva · 09/11/2012 12:40

We are within the 15 mi. area of grammar schools in Chelmsford -- but it would be quite a commute. Honestly, so far I haven't given it much thought as I am uncomfortable with the competitive spirit, as I have understood it, of those schools. I don't particularly want dd to be taught to the test. But I am open to the idea that I have it all wrong.

I have scoured the area for schools that would meet her needs and have applied to any that seem to suit her: All are full.

As for Ingatestone, she is fairly high up on the waiting list. So I was thinking it could possible be a matter of taking her out now and getting her into that school after winter break, possibly? I'm crossing my fingers hard on that one. Wishful thinking, possibly.

I did last night have an academic review with her form tutor, who is really fantastic. He seems to truly care about how dd is doing and has tried several things to get her adjusted to school and find some friends. Even dd was pepped up after the meeting and saying that she wanted to keep trying. That lasted about five hours! :-)

This particular school is simply a very big comprehensive with a wide catchment. Her form tutor said even the kids moving up have a big culture shock when they start. There is just a lot of bad behaviour, swearing, skirt-hiking (forgive me, but I just don't get that one except that I see it as a rebellion against all the rules; dd even says "they make so many rules but none of the right ones."), and more I probably don't want to know about. She is in top-set in English but she says the boys choose picture books to read and everyone is disruptive that she can't get anything done. It's just a poor fit for her.

I do thank everyone for their contributions. I'll make my decision over the weekend; I'm leaning toward taking her out until we can sort out a better situation for her.

OP posts:
Madmog · 09/11/2012 10:21

I would contact any other schools in the area you are interested in (if you haven't done so already) and get her name on their waiting list. In the meantime, if she is to stay at the school, I think it would be worth speaking to the school and explaining she's finding it hard. Before my daughter started Y7 it was made very clear to parents we could contact the school's Pastoral Support Worker, Head of Year or Tutor if our children had problems. We were told that's what they are there for and they would rather spend time early on trying to help, than have the risk of an unhappy child who didn't want to be in school.

I think schools probably have different standards behaviour etc, so some of what she is experiencing with the other children would be far less likely to happen at another school. My daughter's school is strict regarding uniform, behaviour in and out of class, and the children know the consequences. I know some children get it wrong, but generally it feels that the teachers have respect, children are well turned out with ties correctly in place, skirts nearer the knee than bottom, but at the same time are well liked and very approachable.

Is there a parents/mentoring evening soon. You can discuss grades, level of work then. If not, might be worth a note to the tutor asking for an explanation as you don't understand the system and where they assess your daughter is on the scale. If at the top, is there anything which can be done to progress her further.

I hope things work out very soon.

TimeChild · 09/11/2012 08:06

Essex has grammar schools and I thought their state schools were generally well regarded. Conversely I don't think there that many private schools in the county. There is an international school in Ingatestone - are you anywhere near there?

Good luck!

Alonglongway · 08/11/2012 23:36

Have a look at interhigh if you are serious about looking at home ed. it's online school and depends very much on the individual learning style but my bright DD1 is finding it a welcome release after difficult time in mainstream school. Very efficient timetable too so they end up with lots of time to do other stuff.

Abra1d · 08/11/2012 13:00

See what's available for bursaries in independent schools. Quite a few girls in my daughter's private, very academic, day school have some assistance with fees.

Doesn't Essex still have some grammar schools, though? These would be free, if you could move to a grammar area and apply. Others will know more about how to do this if you're coming in a bit late.

Original poster
Spalva · 08/11/2012 12:55

Yes, she came from an international school with 9 kids in her year. It was expensive but we were on an expatriate contract so with some help from the organization and some from the school we could get by. But now we're here, husband as a contractor, living in a 2 bed with four people and trying to manage (we have a mortgage in France as well). There is no way we can afford it. We would have put her in one of the French schools in London if we could afford to live anywhere near there and if they had space (they aren't even taking applications).

OP posts:
joanbyers · 08/11/2012 12:35

My sister was in pretty much the exact same situation at this age. We had moved from a sheltered sort of 1950s-style British school overseas, to the UK and she went straight in at Y7 to a 'bog-standard comprehensive' with no prior experience (certainly my parents had no idea what it would be like) of the British schooling system.

It was completely hopeless for her, although she did have one friend.

She left after one term and transferred to the local super-selective private school. Parents couldn't really afford this and we moved somewhere leafier where she transferred to a much nicer comprehensive.

I would be contacting the local private schools regarding places for next term, or sooner....

Original poster
Spalva · 08/11/2012 10:20

Yes, that's what I said to dh last night.

She is number two, as far as I know. And that school always has loads of kids who leave (like last year there were over 70 who left during the year outside of the usual leavers).

Thank you so much for the hugs!

OP posts:
ImperialFireworksInMyKnickers · 08/11/2012 10:07

As someone who changed schools at about the same age I feel enormous sympathy for your dd. I do think you need to get her out now. I never really settled at that school and have not retained any friends, all my friends are people I met at university or later. Hopefully you will get offered a place at the desired school soon - do you know how far down the list you are?

And here's some for you btw!