Yr8 Daughter is Miserable -- What Can I Do?

ok

Ok. Good point. Perhaps a little scared of standing out! Good luck for tomorrow ResD.
(Or of course doesn't know where to click Start !)

She has revived about 5 today and it has been suggested a number of times that it would be more useful to her to start her own but still she persists.

A little harsh ReservoirD. Hesa, start a new thread asking for information. I'm sure there will be some helpful people along soon to answer you. Good luck.

Really - start your own threads instead of keep resurrecting ZOMBIE
threads.

Dears, Though an old thread but strikes a chord with my family. You have discussed all my fears coming from abroad to settle in the UK around the same area. For my Year 11 catching up on her GCSEs will be tough and we are thinking of Anglo European Ingatestone. Coming form an international school and a mix of cultures all her life settling in the UK with posts like yours is a huge scare.
Please PM me if you have any tips or info on Anglo. She is a grammar school material and have been in competitive international schools all her life. I am a bit worried as Anglo is a comprehensive though IB is a well rounded curriculum. I hear mixed reviews even on this forum. Hoping for the best. I'd appreciate your experience.

copthall I agree with you. There is a huge amount a parent can and should do to make sure their child doesn't or never would bully others. Teaching empathy, morals, self restraint, independent thought - all of that. But I have noticed that bullying is rife at schools where the staff claim they have no problems with bullying. Particular where the head teachers say that, and have no proper method of dealing with it. This is true of our school, which, luckily, is generally a very laid back, easy going place, but when bullying does rear up, it's left unchecked.

On one occasion a very nice boy started bullying my son. I had very clear words with him on what I thought of that behaviour - how it made my son and me feel and what impressions it gave us of him. He never did it again. No one at school had told him it was wrong. Another child - very popular, with very socially successful parents, was absolutely without a moral compass - this came from having parents who thought he was perfect - and he has been a bully throughout school.

I could have wrote the exact same post as I'm going through the same situation. Y8 DD in awful school due to us moving from north to south, waiting lists for everywhere else miles long and no hope of getting in anytime soon. We are going to look at private schools next week, even though it will take every penny of our spare money. But I can't just leave her there anymore, she can't believe the way pupils talk to the pupils, people her age coming out of the school gates covered in make up and lighting up cigarettes, just awful! I really really feel for you

if the academics and afternoon clubs were the problem but she had friends at school and it was a nice social environment, I would leave her there until another school place came up. Since you have neither a positive social side to her schooling, nor is the academic side of things good, I do think you are right to HE her As others have said, take her to all the clubs you can find that she might enjoy or previously enjoyed at her old school, let her settle in to her new home without all this stress and unpleasantness, and try to meet other families with 3rd culture kids.

I hope you get a place you are happy with before long. Must be very worrying for you.

racing heart I am sure that is partly true, and without discipline it has always gone a bit Lord Of The Flies but I also think a lot of these children are the casualties of the parents. Not being given attention, being the focus of parental ambition, not having been exposed to the importance of showing respect for others and being open minded about difference, being exposed to trauma as a result of the way their parents carry on all result in children who have huge insecurities. IME all these children who are "strong characters" or "exclusive" are driven by their own insecurity.

Spalva, I think with groups like Scouts it can be hard to make close friendships (though camp might help) but the main thing is to be socialising. For it to be normal to mill around in a generally positive atmosphere with other people her age. She doesn't need to find close friends there, just to have fun. It's great that she said she enjoys it.

Manic - the fault doesn't lie with the parents. Not unless you think you're remiss for not teaching her to fit in with the crowd and put others down to make herself feel better. I think the fault lies with the school leadership. In schools where such behaviour isn't tolerated, it doesn't happen. The girls behaving like this must at some level feel unprotected by the adults around them - it's feral behaviour, pack behaviour.

A child I know (also third country family) had a really appalling time at primary due to isolation and bullying. Our local primary has a poor track record on bullying. (Naice area so staff say it doesn't happen, not with all these naice white kids around. Oh but it does.) He moved to a school with zero tolerance. I saw him the other day, a changed boy. All his aggression had gone. He looked so gentle - his real self shone through. It was so lovely to see.

And, yes, I often wonder who the parents are. And I sort of know. They just don't want to admit reality.

Oh, how true.

Yes, I don't have any experience of the expat problems. I was going on my child's experience of moving from a very intolerant school that tried to make him fit in, to one that encouraged children to be themselves. Same social mix, similar intake, but somehow very different ethos.

KittiesInsane I'm afraid it is an issue for just about every family I know who has come back to the UK, I wasn't inferring it's impossible to fit in, just that you shouldn't underestimate the psychological adjustment required for children for whom another country, and culture, has been home. When my eldest DD started at her new school I asked if there were any other expat children returning to the UK and the Bursar looked witheringly at me and said "Well there is one but she is returning from Poland, not at all the same" except that DD and the girl from Poland became the closest of friends, as a result of that shared experience and still are. Her Mum became one of my closest friends too.

It might be something OP takes into account in focusing on her choice of a different school.

Ouch.

I'm sorry your kids had such a rough time, Copthall, but not every bunch of British teenagers are so intolerant of differences, honestly. Schools around here really do vary a lot, and moving to a different school as soon as possible could well mean that she fits right in.

Spalva We returned to the UK with a 7 and 11 year old who had been in a lovely International school. You cannot underestimate the culture shock. The 11 year old was lucky to find a friend in the same boat and they gathered a group of friends around them that were either from different cultures, or enjoyed that aspect of their friendship group. The 7 year old had a miserable time at her primary where all the girls were little Englanders who kept telling her she was "wild" and "weird" (most of her friends in her International school were Australian or American and her outgoing nature was valued there) Luckily her class teacher had taught in an International School and her verdict was that the her "wildness" was a good influence in terms of broadening the horizons of the girls as much as my daughter needing to change. At secondary school she too ended up in a friendship group with other girls who grew up or lived in a different cultural context. The norms that prevail at this age are so pervasive and teenagers so intolerant of difference that if none of her peers "get" where she is coming from then I think it is going to be really hard for her to fit in anywhere. We had a chance to go back to the country where we lived, and were very very happy. I would have gone like a shot but my, by then, 14 year old, really hated the idea that she was going to have to adjust to another teen culture, the music, the clothes and how you wear them etc etc When looking at new schools I would advise that you do look for somewhere where she is going to find other "third country kids".

Spalva my heart goes out to you! This is an awful situation.

I'm in that area and think I could give you some more constructive advice- but can't put too much on here as it will out me! Please PM me and I have a couple of suggestions that might help.

As you know I'm in a similar situation atm so I'm a bit lost too. All I can do is send you both my very best wishes because I know how this feels. It looks as though we may have to look into home ed. Ironically enough, my dd came home happy yesterday because there had actually been a day of no name calling! If only it could stay that way.

Does the fault lie with the parents? My dd isn't perfect but she wouldn't treat other kids like that. They're like pack animals. I would be mortified if I thought that a child of mine would behave in that manner.

I wish you both well, she sounds lovely and deserves better. x

I agree with take 3 on this. No point at all in her staying at that school. It will just destroy her and it won't help her make friends at a new school if her confidence is shattered. Can't begin to tell you how much I loathe that sort of environment. It has nothing to do with education.

I wouldn't get too hung up about grammars being overly competitive. To get into, maybe, but once DC are there, they are just surrounded by bright children who love to learn and work hard, and who are impressed by peers who do the same.

In your shoes, I'd move heaven and earth to get her into grammar at 13+. Home school and join every outside club you can, so that in the evenings she's doing dance or drama (very good for confidence) guides, music, choir, etc, anything that can help her get to know a wider social circle.

Stay in very regular contact with any schools you genuinely like. Let them know how badly she's being bullied and how imperative it is for her emotional well being to get her moved.

As to papa not being happy with a long commute - surely he's not happier with her being bullied nearby? Round here lots of children commute up to an hour or an hour and a half to school. They use the bus and train to socialise, do homework, plug into i-pods and laptops, which they'd only be doing at home anyway, and generally relax after school. They seem to love it. Commuting is not a hardship if the school is right.

I would seriously think about home educating and then finding something else... whatever that might be. It sounds like she is very miserable and it is awful to think of her waking up each morning and having to face what she has been. Poor thing. Do hope you manage to find another school place soon.. In the mean time, home educating could have so many benefits for her confidence, love of learning and her relationship with you.