Year 9 - an hour of homework on weekdays unreasonable?

Shagmund Freud you sound like a loving, caring and concerned mum.

I think a lot of what you describe is teenage angst. As long as you keep your eyes on the prize you'll both come one alright. Remember you're in charge and even if she would rather die than admit it, she needs you and wants you to be in charge and lay down the rules.

Don't forget to look after yourself and let us know how it's going. :)

Good going, shagmund - and thanks for posting update.

Ah yes, DH and I are lawyers by trade ...

You have my sympathies and imo YANBU.

I started a thread just like this, about 6 months ago, with a year 7 child, who I wanted to do an hour a day including reading. Quite a lot of posters really jumped on me. dd has basically said that she felt that it was unfair and nobody else had to do extra work.

I backed off a bit after that, and dd was very happy. Til she started bloody falling behind again! My dd isn't particularly bright, has no motivation whatsoever to work, would rather sit in front of screens or hang out with her mates non stop. She struggled with year 7, we worked our arses off with her to pick her grades up, and then she started feeling hard done by.

Since she had caught up, I let things go a bit, relaxed a bit on the amount I wanted her to do. She pushed more, so I said, fine I give up nagging - you can organise your own work, and do what YOU think you need to do. She drew up a calendar, made plans and promises. She then went into free fall - has had three detentions this half term for not completing homework and fell so far behind that she even tried skiving to get out of school because it is such a struggle.

We're now back to square one, and she is very unhappy because she is so behind. Her report was diabolical. I've spoken to the teacher and he isn't happy at all, and I end up feeling like a failure for letting it go, and he suggested that HE would supervise her for extra work sessions during breaks.

The only thing I would say is I think at Year 9 she should be able to set her own work. I don't tell dd to do xyz, we discuss what she needs to work on, I source stuff like books or websites, and I leave her to work through it to her own schedule. I don't think you should dictate what she reads neither. Just because she is at a certain level, doesn't mean she wants to read at that level all the time. dd reads some real trash, and every so often I will suggest something a bit more intellectual for her to try. I want her to enjoy reading rather than it just be a task.

I do really believe that a set period though where they do have to work, like it or not, does work for some children. While we enforced it, dd was getting her homework done, and producing quality pieces. She had caught up so much.

I also won't do anything for dd if she is rude to me, and she wouldn't dare shout or scream at me. Do you spend any one to one time with her? It does seem like you have a very difficult relationship with her at the moment.

issy yes to the giving of a point to teens.

When we negotiate a boundary...ahem...I have pretty much what I want in mind. I will then magnanimously give way to a point or two.

Go Shagmund!

My DD is being bloody rude ATM - she is really tired and has an extremely busy half term lined up. Gulp.

Hi Shagmund thanks for the update, I do have a quick look to see if you have.

First week over - I bet that's a relief. It does make you wonder if at her old school she had set herself an image which she then felt compelled to fulfill. Yes I hope the school do praise her and give positive feedback, for some families the homework would not be an issue, it would just get done, but for your DD to complete it (with support) was a big achievement. I also see you have mentioned DH quite alot in your post and that is great, at least DD knows she cannot play one off against another and consistency of expectations, boundaries and praise is not going to do any harm.

I am trying so hard not to sound patronising but again would like to repeat I think you are doing fabulously - don't get downhearted if you have to repeat all of this week next week though, Rome was not built in a day as the old saying goes.

I think teens, while saying they want autonomy, actually want us to remain in charge. They know deep down that out there on their own is A Really Scary Place.

All you can do while you set boundaries and they rail agaiants them is explain ad infinitum your reasoning. Providing your reasoning makes sense and isn't of the 'because I say so' school of parenting, some of it will sink in.

Also, I take any opportunity when things are calm to tell them how the world is. And how within that context my boundaries make sense.

I feel for you OP, the teen years can be the pits!
The only thing I can offer - and forgive me if I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs-is that we're very big on incentives with our kids (15 and 10), generally of the financial variety. Some may call it bribery but good exam results= reward, good report at parents night=reward, good report card=reward. It needn't be a fortune, but making them aware that hard work is rewarded does seem to help in our house.
I sincerely hope it gets better for you, we're not without issues with our teen just now

1 hour a night is not unusual or unreasonable for a Yr9 pupil imo.

My yr9 DD has just started at a new school (boarding) and has a set prep (homework) session every evening for an hour and half. This is not at all unusual - we looked at lots of different boarding schools over the past 2 years and in year nine it seems that all the schools we looked at had a minimum hour and half set prep session every evening for year 9 students and some had 2 hours every night. The only evening of the week DD does not have a set prep session is a Saturday.

I believe by year 10 this increases to 2 hours every evening.

My DD who is currently fairly studious says she usually completes the bulk of her prep in just over an hour, that said though, she usually spends and hour or 2 of her own time on a saturday doing prep as well.

I am guessing if boarding schools (state and private) run on these similar timescales then its what expected of a year 9 student.

Sadly - how you actually get a reluctant teen to sit down and actually use the time productively, I am not sure. You can enforce all you like but doubt the results will be particuarly positive. But - surely being strict about it and trying to set a good regular routine where you both know whats expected has to be better than doing nothing and leaving her to her own devices. Its a hard one. They can be so stubborn at 13/14.

shagmund I read this thread with interest as having DC who don't give of their best is my dread.

I can put up with all manner of teenaged malarkey, but not taking up opportunities that most DC around the world would kill for, is unpardonable.

I think if it were me I'd keep talking, talking, talking. Some of it must go in!

Leave the extra homework, you have far more important things to sort out first like the way DD speaks to you both and her lack of communication when she is out.

I am going to ask about your DH's approach as you only mentioned him in one post but the two of you should be working as a team.

When our DD2 (now 14) was being very difficult two years ago DH was better at handling her as he did not get as wound up and emotional as I did. He was very tough with her and he would deal with her and talk to her as much as I did.

Two years on and we have moved on from major tantrums every weekend to very rarely, in fact I can't remember the last one and DD is working hard on her school work. She still can't hang up a wet towel or make her bed without a reminder but I ignore. In the great scheme of things it doesn't matter.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Can I just clarify things....I did not call you controlling or a shit mother. What I am trying to say (probably not very well) is that you are dealing with something very hard and it would be perfectly ok to get some help with this. Your child's behaviour is very difficult and you have a chance to turn it around and it sounds like you are doing that. I don't believe that personality is set and what you do now will make a difference to how she feels about herself and you and how she will behave going forward.
Sorry, if I offended, that was not my intention. All of the research shows that you are not a fully formed adult until well into your 20s (yes, I do work in this field) and so there is alot that can be done. I am loathe to say anything else as it seems like an intention to help will be misconstrued.

Shag - Not what you want to hear but at this age the personality is quite set.

I'm glad to read you've made some breakthroughs.

I was struck by OP's statements like:

in the competitive world of education in the UK it's so hard to accept that your children are failing to meet their potential, and that there's nothing you can do about it

But that's normal . I mean normal for most children not to meet their potential. Because they're disorganised, disinterested, immature, selfish, short-sighted, lazy, emotionally compromised, stressed, etc. Most of those things to some degree if not hugely. It's a miracle that many do reach their potential, although often not until they are in their 20s or so.

Sorry just how competitive is this school, have you moved her to a different school OP because you wanted one that was higher pressure than the last one? Did she agree to that?

shag on the outside interests thing, are any of her friends' parents approachable or might also be in despair over lack of hobbies? If you could join forces with a friend's parent to sign them up for an activity, you might get somewhere.

They tend to hate doing anything without friends. If she took up an interest with one of her mates, there might be an incentive to turn up and to stick at whatever it might be.