State grammar schools compared with independent schools

""Congratulation on restraining yourself from asking those children how their parents could afford the fees but the tragedy is that you thought it!"

What happygardening means is that most people would no more think of asking a child who paid their school fees than they would think of asking the Head how much his tie/her shoes cost. It wouldn't even cross their minds. So it wouldn't come up on a thread like this. That's why people are a bit shocked that it has here

I wouldnt worry to much about "Volvo XC90 set" at secondary school be it state or independent you have significantly less contact with other parents.

We are on a substantial bursary but if my DS showed you round his school on meeting him you would not be able to guess this. He does sound like "Prince William" is white and as bursaries are confidential is not required to indentify himself by walking around in sack cloth and ashes or even tatty 3rd hand uniform!
If your looking for a school that has a generous bursary policy you dont need to make value judgements about the children you meet or even the parents for that matter as some of the wealthiest people in the UK who we know are unbelievably scruffy just read the schools individual websites those that are very committed to offering bursaries state it proudly and very clearly usually on their home page and of course talk to the bursar.

So would the school been more acceptable of they'd spoken like Prince William. If yes you looking at the wrong schools forget the £10 000pa ones start looking at the £30 000+ pa ones.
I beginning to think I'm missing something here I understand you have a child with ASD and are admirably looking for a suitable school for him where his needs will be met and he is able to achieve his potential. I would have thought that the background ethnicity of the other children is completely irrelevant.

I'd still like to know what a 12 year old in school uniform from a "monied" family looks like!

Does it? I wonder what it tells you?

OP the only one on here heading firmly down the stereotype road here is you. Congratulation on restraining yourself from asking those children how their parents could afford the fees but the tragedy is that you thought it! Most people when looking around a school are not so crass as to wonder how their parents pay for it they are generally more interested in facilities class sizes do the children look happy are the teachers interested in the children do you like the general feel of the place etc.
Looking back over this thread you have had quite a few helpful suggestions/advice etc you seem to be ignoring it and coming out with increasingly inflamatory remarks.

I am a little puzzled about why you mentioned the ethnicity of the children showing you round, to be honest.

I still think this is whole thread is a windup but OK let's give the OP the benefit of the doubt!
"didn't think it appropriate to ask them who was paying"
Not only inappropriate but non of your business!
This is going to be a bit of a generalisation but like all generalisation contains a significant degree of truth. Many Asian families know that it's education that literally keeps you out of the gutter and therefore place a greater emphasis on the importance of education. We used to know this 80-90 years ago but sadly many white UK families both middle class and working class have forgotten this. Asian families will make significant sacrifices that others wouldn't consider to ensure their children have the best education they can afford.

I looked at a good few schools last year and was shown around by pupils. I don't think any stated their religion.

Did they smell working class, maybe?

"We are shown round by two Y8 British Pakistani/Bangladeshi boys from state primary schools. (Didn't think it appropriate to ask them who was paying, they didn't give the impression of being from monied families.) "

Did you ask them about their ethnic background- or did you just guess! Oh, and how can you tell if a 12 year old boy in school uniform is from a monied background?

Skippy, you would question how a child at private school pays the fees? Not all places at private school are reserved for prep school attending white kids. I think you need to look about a bit more. I'm v'pro state but in defense of privates, they only care if you can pay and in the case of the high achieving if you are clever enough. They do not select on backgrounds though the 10k a year you need is a selection in itself.

We've friends with DC's at Cranleigh all our very happy. It's fairly selective but not impossible to get into but what might be of more relevance to you OP all who have gone there were definitely the top at sport in particular crickets at my DS's prep.
The ones we know are not the super rich/flashing their money around in fact far from. My DS prep has a reputation for having a very high % of exceedingly wealthy but Cranleigh was not on any of their short lists.
Lots on MN rave about a quaker school in Surrey ?Leighton Park don't know anything about it but it's frequently recommended for SEN children.

I have known quite a few children go through King Edwards, my son quite liked the teachers who are good at talking to 11 year olds, which not all teachers are in our experience. However they used to do Saturday school, which put him off.

If your son is very bright you could consider RGS, which I know has had several ASD boys through (and even has a senior teacher whose son with ASD went through the school). Reeds might also be worth looking at.
My son is at a large high performing state school, and has several friends with ASD who are pretty well integrated (if seen as a little odd). Advantage of a bigger school is that there is more chance of finding someone you get on with.

Look at both but remember that many independent schools are clever marketing machines and especially those struggling to fill their vacancies will tell you anything to get you in the door.
Shiplake is worth considering, Bloxham maybe and as I've already said St Edwards although they St E's is not struggling to fill its vacancies.

I agree with breadandbutterfly I'm sure More House is very good but it would appear to cater for those with genuine and quite serious difficulties. Has you son been assessed by an ed psych do you have a formal diagnosis? As she says many boys are sensitive and quiet if your were thinking of a grammar as your opening thread states he must be doing well at school keeping up etc. There are children in mainstream ed both state and independent with various learning needs including ASD and these schools not only provide a broad curriculum they help a child develop good social skills. I know of a few in independent ed with ASD they are at boarding schools both prep and senior in these schools the curriculum is very broad with lots of extra curricular activities to suit all tastes and of course if you choose the right school lots of opportunities to develop good social skills in a structured and a caring environment. Oh and they are allowed to retrieve a frisbee as well.