daughter banned from her Prom, very unfair headteacher

The silly things you mention aren't silly, they are important and the sort of things a year 11 should not be doing - next year she will have college or employment and acting like that isnt good enough. It may seem funny but it disrupts others learning and the general school discipline. Obviously something has gone on, so in your meeting ask what that was. Apologise if there was and support the school, but comment that you would have appreciated better communication on this matter, as you have currently not been able to discuss the poor behaviour with your daughter because you had no information to go on, except her side of the story.

The sanction is a common one for year 11s as, for many children, it is the most important night of their lives so far to them.

I really wouldn't go to the school about this. They have told you that your daughter has behaved badly and can't go to the prom. Sounds like a done deal. She's 16 - she's not expecting you to fight this battle is she? Is she?

I'd certainly be sympathetic, she's already been punished for her behaviour by losing the chance to go to the prom. But I'd also want to hear from her that she understands why this behaviour is singled out by the school. Being late to classes is not 'silly stuff' - being persistently late to work gets you sacked or labelled as a timewaster. Wearing a skirt shorter than the uniform policy allows will get you into trouble, in the same way that wearing stuff that breaches a work dress code will get you into trouble. Be happy instead that you have sensibly chosen a school that follows through on its rules and teaches children that actions have consequences?

Arm yourself with as much info from dd as possible before you go in. I'm sorry to say but I don't think the school would have banned her lightly.

It's a big deal to a young girl and they know this so I'd be surprised at an off the cuff ban!

Got to say, I can't see anywhere you've had nasty comments either!

I have no doubt that the school thought long and hard about taking this decision, it is a major step to have taken.
What surprises me is that the school have not had the courage or sense to see that this is something that parents were bound to question. They need to have communicated properly with the parents over this.
The OPs posts suggest that there is a significant communication issue and the school need to correct this with haste. The head teacher needs to sit down with parents and lay out the reasons why this decision has been reached. Hopefully the school will have plenty of ammunition to prove the sense in their decision and parents need to go with an open mind. If the school continue to prevaricate or can't tell the parent what the daughter has done then the school are at fault. The mother needs to escalate to a written complaint to the head teacher, saying that this needs sorting before the weekend.

You have clearly decided the head is being unreasonable. Perhaps it is less to do with her skirt or even lateness. Perhaps her attitude is rude when these things are challenged.

Actually, the school has explained why she's not allowed to go. The sentence on the letter said, "due to recent poor behaviour."
Now, your dd might not agree that it was poor behaviour, which is presumably part of the problem, but the school clearly thinks so. And unfortunately theirs is the opinion that counts here.

I'm sorry OP but I cannot believe that your daughter doesn't understand why she has had a ban from the prom.
At my school we run a "Passport to the Prom" for the year 11's. This starts in the September when they start year 11 and runs right up to the beginning of their GCSE exams when they are handed in to the head of year 11.
All school awards, good marks, etc are put in there and all detentions, bad behaviour too. We do have students that are banned from the prom (ours is a very lavish affair in a local 4* hotel) that cannot comply with the school rules (eg wearing correct uniform, not being late to class, not disrupting others learning, smoking etc) and the students are fully aware that this is what WILL happen if they choose to flout the rules.
As a school we do not discuss this passport with parents. They are 16 years old and perfectly capable of being in charge and in control of their own actions. They are fully aware of the implications and what happens if they receive too many black marks.
We do not suddenly decide at the last minute that x and y are banned. The students know before their GCSE exams start whether they have an invite to the prom.
We have had students in the past who suddenly change their behaviour mid year (and often too late for a prom invite) and get their parents involved. Sadly these students have lost their chance but they were well aware and informed of the consequences of their actions.
I hope your meeting with the Head can shed some light on this and I'm sorry its taken so long to get an answer. Headteachers and Head of year 11 are very busy this time of year getting all exams ready, revision sessions, etc etc.

Best of luck to you

Why were you in the meeting with the deputy head in the first place? Was her Prom attendance already in doubt then?

I was wondering if she might have been on some sort of behaviour management plan then, and reward for compliance was reinstatement of attendance. In which case "I look forward to dancing with you at the prom" isn't creepy, it's an affirmation that she has time to turn it around and confidence she would do so.

But it seems she hasn't, so the sanction stands. Or am I very wide of the mark?

at my current school year 11 have to earn the right to attend prom - this is through behaviour, attitude, punctuality, attainment (i.e. working to the level they are capable of, producing coursework/homework etc to their target level) and they can have up to 5 warnings over the year and then prom is a no no (parents complaining has never swayed my head) as they are told many times what the consequences will be.

Also, any exclusions during year 11 will result in not being invited (which meant that a student this year had their invite withdrawn the day before the prom as they refused to give their phone to a teacher when they were texting during a revision session)

Sorry op, no advice for overturning the decision as it sounds like your school runs the prom invites a lot like mine - i.e. students are warned of consequences and if they chose to ignore these warnings then they know what the result will be. Before you go for your meeting, I think that you need to sit your DD down and demand the full truth from her in order to save yourself the embarrassment of finding out in the heads office

"Its like being sacked after having a perfectly good performance review."

No, it's not. Not unless every parents' evening the OP has had glowing reports about her dd. Doesn't sound like that's the case here.

This is a pretty standard rule at any school where I've worked. And it's a really great motivator for kids to behave.

OP, I am probably reading your post in an entirely biased way (as I'm a teacher), but I would be making a couple of assumptions:

1. The only parents who tend to have meetings with the head of year in the run up to the exams are ones of students where there is a concern. Particularly a behavioural concern.
2. I don't know a child who has been banned from a prom without really good reason
3. Our head of year would also make a similar concluding remark. He would mean it in a comedy, motivational way, to show that 'you will get through this, I'm supporting you and all will be forgiven' kind of way. Our heads of year would definitely make a point of dancing with all of the naughty kids, because then it's ironic and comedy (roars of laughter from the onlooking kids). It would not be funny if they danced with the good, A* kids.

The head of Year 11 will definitely have other things on their mind at the moment (GCSEs? Their Year group?) so will be running round like a loon and not seeing replying to your letter as a priority. If you mean that you've addressed the letter to the head (blimey! I reckon that would never get answered in my school), it would be fairly low on their list of priorities too.

If my dd was badly behaved enough to warrant a ban from prom I'd be asking why the school havent got in touch with you to discuss her obviously unsatisfactory behaviour.

Its like being sacked after having a perfectly good performance review.

Sounds like the school are shit at communication with parents.

I agree with migratingcoconuts. I'm a teacher. Proms are organised by staff in their own time. We have to put up with naughty kids day in, day out. 'Being silly' and lateness to lessons are the things that make our lives difficult during the working day. If I'm staying at work until 11 o'clock one night, I am not going to want to put up with a badly behaved child. If she doesn't listen to me when I tell her to put her blazer on, what chance do I have of stopping her drinking secret vodka in the loo? And why should I have to?
The school should tell you why, but if she's had detentions etc then she shouldn't be allowed to go.

Going to the prom in many schools isn't a 'right' though, it is a reward, for those who have earned it by being on time, sensible, and respectful of the school's ethos and rules. Your DD chose not to do those things, so she doesn't get to go. It's a good lesson, as others have said, and much better that she learns it now. It's not as if this is a huge surprise - I'm sure she was told every time she was late that it was a problem, why it was a problem, and what might be the consequence. she just thought she would get away with it.

I too think the 'cant wait for the first dance with her' remark was a tad ..well... creepy really - sorry.

But l too am an old gimmer and when my kids were at school they didnt do these 'proms' - they were only seen in films about American high school kids yes l really am that old so l thought it was some sort of tradition so I'll keep mi trap shut.

I think it is very unfair of them to be so evasive about the reasons but without knowing the reasons it's impossible to say if it's fair or not. I agree threaten tell your daughter she must be fully honest with you or you wont be best pleased if something comes out while you are fighting her corner.

Good luck with it.

I agree the school should be able to tell you why she has been banned but I don't think "being late to lessons" is a "silly thing".

It shows enormous disrespect to the teacher and her feloow pupils and will disrupt the class ^every time she does it*. That's aside from the work she's missing.

Once employed she could be sacked for persistent lateness so by comparison missing a dance is nothing. If the ban is for this reason then perhaps it's better to learn the lesson sooner rather than later.

They should, Hecate, but if the school has organised the Prom, its entirely up to them who gets an invite. And if leaving out a few badly behaved individuals will make sure everyone else has a good and safe time...then that's just exactly what they'll do.

In my experience, it isn't just about being a punishment but actually also about looking out for the majority who have had to put up with crap from a minority for a long time!

If they are going to ban her from the prom, they should tell you exactly what for.

on X date she did such and such, on y date she did such and such. Or even examples of this behaviour, such as she has been swearing in class, she drew willies on the blackboard...

Well, I'm an old gimmer (and a teacher) and I would automatically interpret "been silly" as "absolute pita."
Sorry.

Your DD must know a lot more about what this is about that she's told you - you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to be 100% honest with you about what has led to this before you go to the school, otherwise you could make a real fool of yourself going in defending her without being in full knowledge of the facts

I imagine the school have a strict and well known policy about not being allowed to attend the prom, which your DD must know about

Sorry OP - I hope you don't think my comment was nasty, it certainly didn't mean to be.

coconutty I was referring to their reluctance to go into detail and the head of year's wish to have the first dance with her, - I just thought it was a bit odd and wondered whether there might be inappropriate familiarity between them. Obviously just me then, but it did happen when I was at school and nothing was ever done or said about it, just covered up until the girl left school.

In my defence I am quite ancient and stuff like that seemed to happen in those days, and I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone.

Your DD is 16. I imagine that she has been give very many warnings that her continued poor behaviour/bad attitide would mean a ban on attending the prom. She is of an age where perhaps the school did not feel the need to inform you every single time she does/says something a little out of line, but they preferred to reason with her about the consequences of her actions. Perhaps it is an accumulative thing rather than any one incident serious enough to warrant phoning you.

Maybe they though that as a young (almost) adult they could appeal to her better judgement and let her take responsibility for her own fate where privileges like prom are concerned. After all, it is entirely optional and at the school's discretion and is in no way part of her entitlement as a pupil, nor an an expectation on the part of the school.

I am going to take a wild guess that your DD had had repeated warnings about being banned from prom that she chose to ignore as she didn't think the school would carry out their threats. It may be that she knew about this before she let you spend money of the outfit. She was probably being a bit of an ostrich and now you have had to pay the price.

I really feel for you scruffy. Missing a prom, whatever one thinks about them, (and I think they're a pain in the a*) for a girl, is a MASSIVE deal and I think communication between the school and yourself has been woeful. Your first port of call should be form tutor (perhaps by e-mail to establish what's been going on), then Head of Year, then Head.
Good Luck

I think in most schools, pupils are told well in advance that it is a potential punishment, and they are usually given loads if opportunities to get the privilege back.