daughter banned from her Prom, very unfair headteacher

Oh & the dancing thing...?

It is pretty much compulsory at our do for staff to get up & dance with the students, & is particularly funny for everyone if it's Mrs Straightlaced Teacher with BaddestBoyInYear11.

We are not talking slow dancing here! Awful 'your dad at a wedding' moves which subsequently end up on youtube.

Gosh it's awful! I've tried to get out of it, but my year 11s have heard that I rocked up in full on goth corset & bustle a couple of years ago (my form were leaving) & have asked me to turn up again. I'm knocking back a rather good gig to be there.

Likewise EvilTwins, except we gave the vodka to the NQTs....

No school wants to ban pupils willy-nilly from proms- it's horrible for the child and they wouldn't want to do unless she had seriously pushed it. I'm sorry but your daughter almost certainly knows exactly what she did to merit this punishment. She must also have thought she would get away with it and be allowed to go anyway. You need to have a very serious conversation with her about it, and get her to tell you the real truth about it all.

She has been playing up at school. It must be serious to ban her from prom. She would have received multiple warnings. She also won't be the only kid banned.

YABU for not being more concerned about your daughter's poor behaviour. I understand you're seeing it from her POV, but she'll be feeling very sorry for herself and playing down her bad behaviour.

YANBU to want to know what she's been up to so you can deal with it accordingly. Stop worrying about the prom and your 'poor mistreated child' and deal with her behaviour. DEMAND the school let you know so you can deal with it.

Principal wants first dance with your daughter? Creepy alert...

We don't do a Passport to the Prom (good idea though - might suggest it) but several of our Yr 11s have been banned. It's been a bit controversial this year - Head of Year is a bit impulsive, and has banned kids without thinking about it then had to go back on his decision, which helps no one.

ravenAK - I'm with you on it being upaid and boring overtime. Ours is on a Thursday as well - so school the next day.

Last year we got entertainment out of patrolling the car park, finding bottles of vodka stashed in bushes, emptying the vodka out and filling the bottles back up with water.

We do 'Passport to the Prom' too.

There is much panic, generally, amongst borderliners in the weeks before study leave as they try to get various bits 'signed off' by more soft-hearted teachers...(eg. me)

If a kid is told they aren't going, they need to sort it out (last minute new leaf turning is encouraged). A parent chuntering won't achieve much I'm afraid.

Oh & usually, the kids organise & book (senior student committee), but venues expect a guaranteed teacher presence before they'll take the booking.

Ours is this Friday - an evening of unpaid, boring overtime for me, & frankly, anyone who hasn't got their P2P sorted by now is clearly an unrepentant total PITA & I don't fancy chucking them out when they get stuck in to the vodka in the bogs.

Hi. It is the prom at my DDs school tonight. DD1 just finishing yr 10 so not her prom yet however they have been told today that almost a quarter of the year have not been invited. This is due to behaviour, attendance or not getting enough teachers to sign their 'passport of success'. Year 10's have been given ample warning that invitation to prom has to be earned - it is not a right.

This site is a lesson in modern schooling. I went to school so long ago (no proms) so I will just say thanks for the education.

No update from the OP yet?

I think your dd is not being honest about what she knows. Either to herself or to you. I don't know which. But she will have had plenty of warnings.

Communication is also lacking between you and school and this needs to be addressed too.

There's no reason to be late for a lesson, really - you're already in school! It's annoying enough when students do it, but at least it might be because they've had to travel just for that thing - but a schoolchild has no good reason to be persistently late for lessons. That's indicative of a mindset which I would imagine has generally got her to this situation.

At 16 I would have been mortified if my parents got involved in my school life in this way.

I certainly didn't expect the school to record times and dates of my many minor transgressions to produce as an evidence folder for a decision of a punishment.

If proms are organised by teachers I agree pupils (especially as old as 16) should earn the privilege to attend.

I agree that the school could have communicated better - but ultimately it is up to the daughter to manage her behaviour at this age - lateness and school skirt length included.

OP I think you should put your efforts into managing your DDs expectations on this. She may think that her life is ruined by the fact that she can't go to the prom but in the grand scheme of things it's no biggie.

There are some great examples from teachers on this thread of how earning the privilege to go to the prom is managed - gives me great faith in you all!

I phoned to find out what had happened - my ds2 is very industrious and good at school, has never had a detention, got good grades throughout. I was shocked that he could have been disruptive. As I remember, he had had a 'good effort' postcard home recently before this.

I certainly didnt phone to lambast the school for daring to discipline him, just to see what had happened. (and i wasn't horrified because of the housepoints, but because of his 'potential' behaviour.

The prom is the last carrot a school can use to keep year 11s in line until all the exams are done - they don't take it away lightly, but once de-merits or whatever are no longer going to bother a year 11, they will use it if they need.

It sounds like your daughter has been behaving poorly for a long time, and your dismissal of what she has done speaks volumes!

sparkybabe. What was your intention when you phoned to query the letter?

Fair enough, in this case they got it wrong, but... Why was your first response to phone the school because he'd had house points deducted?

The schools do get it wrong tho. My ds2 (yr10) got a letter from the Tech (food) dept saying that he had been disruptive and had turned up unequiped to start the lesson, and had had 'housepoints' deducted. I was horrified, and phoned the teacher straightaway. She was very apologetic, saying that the letter had been sent to the whole class, instead of to the few who were disruptive etc. Hopefully this has not been put on his record!

having said that, our Prom runs along the same lines as elsewhere, persistant lateness, backchat, ill-disciplined childred don't get to go.

Are others banned?

I agree it sounds like communication from the school should have been better, but do you know for sure there weren't previous letters that never reached you? Have you really had no response/information or have you just not been told what you want to hear?

What was the meeting with the head of year about, when he mentioned the first dance? It sounds to me like your DD's attendance was already in question then and this was his way of saying he hoped her behaviour would improve and that she would get to attend.

I know the head of my (primary) school would be in no rush to reply to parents who considered his attempts to promote discipline (school uniform) and prompt attendance in lessons as "silly".

Your dd might be refusing to be upfront with you, but she will know perfectly well what behaviour led to this.
Be prepared for what you hear at the meeting; I doubt very much she will emerge as the injured innocent you obviously think she is.
As other posters have already said, what I would be focusing on is the comment from the Head - did you really sit and listen to that without blinking an eye? . If he did actually say this, it's scarily inappropriate and it doesn't even seem to have registered with you.

8 weeks ago would have been at the start of this term. Frankly I'm surprised you didn't persist on sorting this out then, especially as presumably she has had exams and likewise staff woudl ahve been preoccupied.

Was there a particular issue or missed deadline at end of Spring term or over the Easter holiday which she has conveniently forgotten to mention. Is she the only one excluded ? Maybe she isn't that shocked or bothered, your op seems more about your feelings than your dd's.

Prom? Ugghh...

Your DD will know exactly why she's been banned. It's a few years ago now, but in the dim and distant past when I taught high school, we were absolutely clear with those banned why they were banned.

Maybe the school have been hoping that your DD would do the right thing and tell you.

What no-one else has picked up on OP.

It's 8 weeks since you first telephoned the school, then you went in three times and after 6 you wrote to the head. Surely the communication should have worked like this.

You receive letter conveying a decision about which you are unhappy.
You telephone head of year in first instance. If call not returned within 48 hours, you send your concern in an e-mail. If you don't have a response in 72 hours you send a copy of the e-mail to the next in command.

If still no response you write to the head setting out your concerns and request a meeting within seven days. If no response then I would escalate to governors.

However, the caveat here is that the above would only work if I felt I had reasonable grounds to challenge a decision made by the school. If my child was a repeat "offender" on the behaviour front I'm not sure I would have reasonable grounds.

Agrees with all the teachers - being late for a lesson is not silly. It interrupts the class who then take time to settle and it interrupts learning. Why is she late in the first place for lessons? What is she doing in that time? Being late is discourteous not just to the teacher but to the rest of the class.

Also, what do you mean you have phoned and been to the school three times. That sounds daft to me. If you have a problem to raise with a school you do it in writing and you make sure you have an audit trail in the event of something serious being dealt with. This to me sounds serious for the other girls at the prom and for those who have organised it. Your daughter sounds as though she has repeatedly been rude and a pain in the backside and those who are looking forward to the prom don't want anyone there who will rain on their parade.

Might seem harsh for your daughter but I suspect if there had been a bit more harsh in years 7 and 8 and a bit less "going up the school" she might not be in this position.

BTW - I have never been called into a meeting with my children's heads of year/heads of house, etc. I have, however, requested a meeting with them about the impact on learning for my dd because of repeated interruption and disruption to learning caused by a significant minority. They were sympathetic but their hands were tied because too many children don't have appropriate support at home and too many parents expect schools to make exceptions for their children rather than support the school to ensure there are consequences and support the school and underpin what the school is trying to impart in relation to acceptable behaviour.

When your daughter is continually late at work and if she argues about it; she will be dismissed. Employers do not have their hands as tied by regulations and funding as schools.

I would be sitting her down and asking her what she knows about the ban/her behaviour. She needs to know what the sanction will be if you go to the school and make a tit of yourself if you find out she does know why she is not allowed to know.

You need to support the schools decision when you find out what happened. I would be furious if my dd put me in this ridiculous position and I then found out she knew

We have the same system at our school - at the beginning of Y11 they are warned that there is a 3 strikes and you're out system.

Even if the 3rd strike happens once you've got your ticket/dress/suit its tough - you knew the rules and you are out.

Bit like the real working world - with warnings then sackings. Sorry but unless there is SEN then a Y11 should be able to understand there are consequences to bad behaviour.