Has anyone ever moved their DC to a different school and it not worked out?

How about: 'Dear Teacher, We are contemplating a move in the near future and before making the final decision we would like DS to have a taster day at X school. We have been able to arrange for this on X day, but as nothing is decided yet, DS would prefer not to have it too widely known. '

That leaves it nicely open to interpretation about whether it's you or just DS moving.

I don't know if my experience will help or give you more sleepless nights Sparkling? Here goes anyway....

You have had positive stories of successful moves. My story is not so positive. Moved DD Easter term of year 9. NOT a good decision. DD was bullied practically from day one at her previous large, unfriendly senior school. She had undiagnosed dyslexia + a few other associated issues. Her confidence was dropping, the school were not being helpful & all we did was move DD & all her anxieties, from one school to another! The new school was private (had discounted the one state alternative previously) & we had hoped this small, private, non selective, supposedly with excellent pastoral support, would be the right place for DD. Wrong. That said, she went on to a state sixth form college at 16 & again took her anxieties with her which led her to be very unhappy there too. DD is nearly 19 & only now coming to terms with herself & that she's a unique & fabulous individual with a few flaws (don't we all?). We had tried to get her support, alas she never embraced this.

Make sure you are not moving the location of your child's school, but keeping all the problems. Also make sure your DS be able to socialise with his new school friends. Much easier for both of you if there's a few on your doorstep! Sleepless nights are horrible, however it shows this is not you making a knee jerk decision but a well thought out choice. I thought long & hard about writing this post. It is important you have opinions from both sides though & I wish you the very best with whatever you, DH & DS decide.

My DD moved schools for Year 9 and it has been a huge success. Like your family we had let her go up from primary to the linked secondary with her friends, without looking at alternatives, but then the secondary just wasn't suiting her, for social reasons like your DS.

When she was unhappy in Year 8 I took her to visit an alternative school, really because I thought visiting would help her realise that no school is perfect and help her accept things. But in fact she came away from the visit really enthusiastic about moving and wanting to take it to the next stage (she had to visit for a day and do tests). She found it helpful to write a diary (private!) to put down all her feelings in favour and against the move. In the end the move was 100% her own decision, and that in itself was a great thing for her, giving her a belief she can take control of her own life. And she was determined to make a success of it. She had some difficult times before finding a friendship group in her first term, and she used to look back in the diary to remind herself of why she chose to move. Maybe part of the reason it has worked out so well is that the process of deciding and moving made her more self-motivated.

We were luckier than you, sparkling, because the new school is not too far. If your DS moves it is going to have more repercussions for you as a parent because of the journey. But this decision isn't all your responsibility, your DS is not a little boy any more. You are helping him to get all the information, so he can make his OWN decision.

Sparkling -- are you going with him to the taster day? Halfway round our tour of the potential new school, DS turned to the teacher and said something about 'At my old school, ...', which was pretty revealing about how he'd already mentally moved in!

(He moved a year ago this week. Tonight I've just come back from his school show. He has spent the week delightedly flinging himself into the arms of his drama friends. That's the boy who 'didn't know how to socialise' and 'needed to learn to fit in and keep his head down' to quote his old school...)

But the extra driving does bug me, TBH, and now DD has decided she wants to go there too, there's no reprieve in sight for years. Sigh.

Hi Sparkling,

My DS is truly a different person since we moved him to a new school. He was miserable before, hated school; just like your DS, he needed like-minded peers.

It is so important to match your DC to the right school.

Are there any school plays or concerts or something at the new school that you could all go to? It would be a great way to get a feel for this new school, and to see what the children there are like.

Good luck :). It is anxiety-inducing, but you just have to trust your gut feeling.

Oh sparkling- I do feel for you. It's horrible when they aren't happy, isn't it? As I said, we might well have moved DD in year 7 if there had been anywhere to move her to. I'm so glad now we didn't - she just took a while to settle down.

Then"populars" thing is a puzzle to me too- the ones who aren't in that group in my experience despise them and envy them in equal measure! It's no consolation to you, but the despising outweighs the envy more every year.

And I know this is one of my hobby horses, but do, honestly, think and think again before you commit yourself to 48 miles driving a day. I do half that, an, while it's usually OK, it can be a disaster, particularly if it's just you doing it. And it's no use making good friends if you can't hang out with them at the weekend, or get home from parties and things. Think about the future- he'll be 17 soon(!) and wanting to be out late- ho will you manage that?

I know I'm not helping- sorry

Hi

It's not a runaway train. You can decide what to do at any time. You're exploring options and that is a good thing.

It's sooo hard. I know several people who moved at that age. The first school they attended just wasn't right. They are all much happier at the second place. It's so important.

The really tricky thing is to know whether it's that school and its pupils that are wrong, or school itself, whichever school. Sometimes a person just isn't great socially and so school will never be a roaring success. Those people (self included) need to get their heads down, do well and then go off and enjoy adulthood by hanging out with the people they do have stuff in common with, rather than exhausting themselves trying to fit with the majority. There's not much of a way round that problem, except to get on with it.

But, if it is the kind of school he's at which is the problem, then he could be much better off. You'll find a way to sort out the travel.

Go to the taster day and talk through the pros and cons and gut feelings you all have.

If he's really unhappy where he is, I would give him the chance to move. I was at a school I hated for 7 years. I am, frankly , a geek - and that was very much frowned upon by the other students. I wish I had been given the chance to move to a different school, but it just wasn't possible for us.

We all assume our DCs will be fine, at school with their friends, just need to settle in etc.
Sometimes though, there really is an issue.
It takes a bit of time to work out whether it would be solved in time or whether it's not a good school for your particular Dc

Nothing stupid about that.

I hope he really enjoys the taster day.

Why??

It's a natural assumption. The received wisdom is to keep them with their friends (unless knife wielding ideally)

I moved my dc to a school that suited them and watched them blossom. Ditto the one they are at now, it is full of kids similar to them and they are so happy (touches wood/iron/feather/plastic etc)

Fanjo is right, certain schools suit certain kids.

He may well have a wobble about starting the new school after all his experience of new secondary schools so far hasn't been good and his self confidence will be at rock bottom. But deep down you will both know whether the alternative - staying at the present school - is in his best interests, if it isn't then he has nothing to lose and everything to gain by moving.

Its such a difficult decision but in our case it was the best one we ever made. We spent the summer trying to boost DS's confidence in every way before he started the new school in September (he was still very nervous the first few weeks though, bless him!) as he too thought there was something wrong with him. Turns out there was nothing wrong with him just his old school!

My DH said the same thing about my dd, that she would not want to go to new school etc.
The thing with her was, she wasn't in the the popular crowd because she wanted to learn. There were a few like her but they got teased a lot.
The school was very big on sport, my dd is more creative, not sporty so she wasn't part of the teams etc and one of the big problems was the popular kids were not willing to learn and the lessons were disrupted a lot.

We moved her because she was so unhappy, every day she would say she didn't want to go to school, obviously she did go but she was such an unhappy girl.
The school is 14 miles away but we manage to get her there and she is now involved with drama and art club after school.

She made more friends in her first week than she did in a year at her old school, she thought there was something wrong with her. That's why no one liked her.
It was damaging her own self image.

This school fits her, the other school didn't.

Sparkling, you know if your DS is unhappy. And if you think that this new school will suit him better then you will make it work.

Sparking- can I suggest that you, amongst other things, look at where most of the children from the new school come from? If you live in an area with great public transport then this probably won't be a problem- but as they've got older and wanting to be and about later and more independently, the fact that my dd's best school friend lives 28 miles away is a MAjOR pain!

A few other randomn thoughts. "The Populars" - all schools have these- is not necessarily a compliment- certainynisn't at my dd's school. You say some of your son's friend's are a bit flaky- lots of boys this age are, they may well catch up with your ds in terms of maturity soon.

I know that my dd was unhappy in year 7 and the beginning of year 8, and we might well hae moved her if all the schools round us hadn't been full to bursting. But I am so glad we didn't- once she found her feet she has flown. So to speak.(!) it's so hard to join established friendship groups- and shared experience is very important.

Really sorry, I haven't helped, have I?