How many people let their child choose their secondary school preferences?

We let our DD choose for herself, the choices were :
local school - can walk to, brand new building and facilities, all her closest friends going there, totally dire exam reults
Other school - 50 mins on the bus, only 1 friend (not best friend) going, older more traditional school buildings, much better accademically.

She weighed up all the pros and cons and chose the one further away and got in, now we are just crossing our fingers she likes it! (It is the one we preferred too)

My brother, the emotionally scarred one, BEGGED to go to a certain top London boys' school as a boarder, where he was absolutely miserable; and my parents say now, they should never have listened to him. He just wanted to go where his friend went, but it was all a disaster (although academically he did very well, top A-levels, and 2:1 uni)

Super selectives schools are like Marmite, I think. Some children thrive in the high octane environment. Others wither on the vine.

DD looked horrified when we showed her around our nearest SS. DS however felt like he was coming home. Horses for courses, no?

Personally, I think I would have loved a school like that .

I went to a super selective independent day school. I remember at interview stage (having passed the exam which was thought to be very difficult) saying lackadaisically to my parents, I don't really care whether I go to the school or not, and them saying NO NO, be sure to say YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THERE. I did well to start with, but was lacking in ambition and confidence, and fell by the wayside, whereas in a less high achieving environment I might possibly have stayed on top, so to speak... I loved the school but in the end I didn't get good A-levels, make of that what you will.. I presume my parents wanted me to get good A-levels as the bottom line, certainly the school was set up for that.

I think what I said to my parents was a bit of a warning bell, meaning, This child although bright is not that self motivated, so although I was happy enough there for first few years, and their ambition was felt to be warranted, in the long term they might have listened to the sort of child I WAS rather than the child they wanted me to be. Similarily with my brothers they made the mistake of highly academic schools which didn't have enough pastoral support, and paid for it with my brothers both dropping out, one academically, and one emotionally scarred although achieving good results, but not getting a job for years, low self esteem etc.

So I can see it is important to listen to the sort of child you have and not impose all sorts of expectations of what they should be, on them.. But you are still in a better position to judge, taking those important factors into account,than the child itself.

We took DD to just the schools we liked! She preferred my 2nd pref school over the first, but I managed to talk her into the first. She had misgivings about just one small area but I could show evidence that it wasn't an issue. Luckily she always asks for my opinion and usually goes with our choice (oh happy days, I don't think it'll last long!).

The only problem is DH. He has different preferences. I think there'll be some arguments discussions come CAF time. And I'll probably win

Absolutely the kids chose. Mind you after DD1 went to superselective and the saw what happened there both in terms of workload (fair and manageable with bouts of "eek panic!" but I'd say that was usual) and all the other exciting stuff that went on they both wanted the same.

The problem for us was accepting that they may not get a selective place and trying to "sell" state alternatives that we knew weren't really the right place for out kids (our catchment school isn't bad, but is isn't at all academic- if you want BTEC/vocational qualifications or have SEN it's great).

Fossie repeat tyo yourself and your kids "the exam is to help find the right school for you, it isn't a pass fail- if you don't work/think in the way the test wants you to then that school isn't the one for you" .

I haven't got to that stage yet, but will do soon (DS1 in year 5). He is at a lovely not very academic independent school and can carry on there into secondary, or he could go to grammar school (if he passed the 11+ that is!! ).

I went to the school my parents wanted - very strict super-selective grammar - and hated every minute. I wanted to go to the other grammar which had less impressive results but seemed lovely.

Obviously my choices for DS will be influenced by my own experience, and I think he will thrive where he is, in small classes where he is confident enough to aim high, rather than in a large class of super-academic kids where he would probably feel intimidated.

Dd is adamant she wants to go to a school which is two bus journeys away, because everyone else is going there. TBH she has not even been round the school We will visit it, it is an option, but it shows that what they think they want is not really from an informed vantage point.

I know that dd hates getting up early, is easily upset, and would do better in a co-ed environment, she just wants to go to the same school as her existing peer group, and doesn't realise how many new friends she is likely to meet in secondary anyway. She is Yr 5, so a bit of time to sort things out.

My child went to about 4 secondary schools to look round. The one he liked most was the one where they talked a lot about the school trips he would go on (Barcelona etc) He didn't go to that school, as I didn't put it first choice.
But being a parent I knew that ALL the schools had school trips.
Similarily he liked another school where they saw someone using a bunsen burner. All schools have bunsen burners.

I think you can't underestimate how little your child knows about the world of secondary. Only you can judge the pros and cons of each school, and read beyond the Selling Angle.

So my son, at a different school - not the one he liked best, which he neither disliked or liked particularily, but I judged to be best fit by talking to teachers, previous parents, looking at artwork and displays, and facilities, has just come back from a 4 day trip to Rome. He had a fantastic time!

Before embarking on the 11+ prep we took DS to a number of open days at the indies on our list. Since the boy was going to spend 2 hours a day for 8 months prepping, we felt that it was important that he could see what the goal was and that it was HIS choice. Luckily he chose the one we wanted. Phew! :)

Our DD wanted a local faith school that many of her friends are going to. We said that if she could pass the Grammar school exam she should go there and we put that first. She did pass and is upset about that. Really don't know whether that was the right decision. Feel though that as noone from her class is going to the Grammar school, it would be hard to expect her to be overjoyed yet. Hoping she will come round once she starts school. Very hard decision to make and one I have to make again this October with the next child. Will probably do the same thing though is she 'failed' the Grammar, I think there will be tears again from DD1.

My DD chose most of them but the third choice was mine as was the order. First choice we agreed on, her second I left off as the logistics would have been impossible.

Thankfully she got into our first choice so all happy

We let ours offer their opinions. We also had our opinions, and we talked about all of them. Obviously we highlighted the things that were making us lean one way or another.

We also pointed out, that all we were doing was expressing a preference. It is the LA that actually allocates places.
At 10, children are easily swayed by the school that offeres them a free piece of chocolate concrete, or lets them have a go on the climbing wall. As adults, I think we know to look past that. Ours were "guided" by us until they agreed with us . No point in it becoming confrontational.

DD2 did keep going on about our catchment school for a while, why couldn't she go there like all her friends. a) because it's rubbish we didn't fancy it, and b) her "friends" were mainly mean to her, so why choose a school where they were going?

I did and she was absolutely right, but then i was choosing between two outstanding grammars, might have been different under other circumstances.

Me, OP, at least DC have a heavy vote which I would only over-ride in an extreme scenario. None of the possible choices are terrible (in my mind), though others might beg to differ.

Yes, but luckily we all agreed.
Not sure what we would have done had DS badly wanted a school we hated or didn't trust. Cunning influence and persuasion, I think.

It felt important for us that DS took ownership of his journey into secondary with committment and enthusiasm, and choosing preferences was part of that. He's sensible, wouldn't have chosen something not right just because his friends were going there, for example.

We went around the local schools that we felt were suitable (there was 5 of them) and dd1 preferred one I had a preference for another. We put her 1st choice on top of the form. She got in is thriving in year 9 and doing excellent (much better than at primary)

dd 2 had hoped to pass 11+ but sadly didn't she then said she didn't want to go to school dd1 went too. This threw us as we had not considered that as a option however went with the academy She isn't happy however I am uncertain if she is still settling in (year 7) or if she simply is not a school type person (only schools she has been truly happy in was a private school for year 1 and 2 and a Danish school for 6 months)

ds is Choosing in September he will likely go to grammar school (year 5 and scoring 5's consistently) He has already announced he wants to go to the super selective, we are supporting his choice but as the other choices are the other 2 grammar schools we are not really all that worried.

dd3 is only in year 3 and currently not reaching targets for year So way to early to say.

our choices were
catchment - I'd home ed rather than send them there
feeder
another local one

so, like the vast bulk of the population, we went to feeder

I took both my older DC to visit the schools we were considering. DC1 didn't like the private school we liked, so we didn't apply in the end. His first choice and our first choice was the same, his second choice might have been different to DHs, and I had trouble ranking 2 and 3, we put his second second, and the other one third. Eventually we got the one we all preferred.
For DC 2 she was struggling to choose between two, I did put a little pressure, but she choose the same as her brother.

It is hard to send you child to a school they really don't want, they may have spotted something you haven't. On the other hand a friends DD might not have had as many issues if she'd gone to her mothers 1st choice.

DS chose his (grammar). As he couldn't be bothered to look at any others, it was fortunate that he got in

I drew up a shortlist with my DS and we went to visit them all. The school I liked was further away and all boys, but he wanted the local mixed secondary school that he could walk to. After much discussion and tears (mine!!!) we put his choice first and he got a place. I am happier really because he can get there in 15 minutes and can take part in lots of after school activities without getting home too late.

I let my DD choose...
She had a choice of two super selective all girls day school and the grammar.
We went to look at a less selective all girls school for balance.

She was adamnat that that is where she wanted to go.

I was ...ahem..retiscent.

But DD and indeed DH won me over. And it has been a resounding success.