Dilemma... 'more average' sibling to follow super-bright brother to same school, or somewhere else, with a chance to 'shine'??

But what is the bottom 20%? My son is in a class at the moment where they are ranked academically and between each boy there was 1/2 a mark between them. The bottom 20% may still only have been 5 points lower in the tests.

We have similar dilemma with 2 independents. Although in theory dd could outperform ds and is more allrounded, he is the one with the scholarship. She does n't have a strong preference but there is a certain attraction to having them at the same place with same opportuniites.

So far my dss have always been in different schools, both independent, but DS1s is far more expensive than DS2s. The boys are fine with it, and I do take the time occasionally to remind them why each school is best for them.. They see a reasonable amount of each other's school, and they are happy that they are in the right one.

I think my query to you, is why has this question arisen now? You presumably paid the registration fee, as well as preparing DS to the entrance exams. Were you expecting him to fail? Or is it more the case that a couple of months ago you would have spent time convincing yourself that school 2 was an adequate backup if he and you didn't get your first choice? I don't think that your concerns are wrong necessarily, I guess that I'm just trying to explore what is it that has changed your mind. It seems reasonably unusual for someone to be told quite so much information about how their DS has scored in the entrance exams. If you had just been told that he had passed, but not where he had passed, would you feel differently?

Same school DS2 wants to go to that one.
They're boys, if you can afford it, the sporting and extra curricular activities in independent schools are hugely better.
I think a DS2 would resent the opportunities DS1 will get at a independent school.
Academic achievement isn't everything.

You have absolutely answered your own question. Your ds2 wants to go to the same school as his brother. End of.

Plus you say the sport and drama are good there, and ds2 likes those. Even more end of.

You need to send them to the same school I think. Especially as they are both DSs. I say this as the parent of a DS1 (bright) and a DS2 (not so) who are both at the same school. Their sister goes to another school because it is all girls, so there is a specific reason iyswim....

You can't say to DS2 later in life 'we didn't send you there because we didn't think you would cope/be happy....'

How can you say that now? Give him - and the school - a chance. He will get different things out of it than his brother. And it will give them a common bond - the mad teachers, the funny assemblys, the school events - they will have a shared history there that I am sure will bring them closer.

In our case, DS1 is bright and doing well academically, but he is not really a joiner of clubs. DS2 on the other hand is also holding his own but he has thrown himself into school life (DofE, french exchanges, after school clubs) in a way his older brother hasn't because that's the kind of personality he is.

Same school, different experiences, shared history.

(Or if you think DS2 is always in his brother's shadow, why not send them both to school 2? Would you do that?!)

If you put him in school 2 and he is not happy there for whatever reason then he will always resent you for sending him to a 'lesser' school than his brother (however well intentioned your reasons). I attended a state school albeit one with a selection exam. It was regularly in the 'top 20' state schools lists following exam results with many pupils gaining 100% A/A* grades. I was one of those who probably scraped in though. I was always in the lower half of the class and was largely ignored by a teaching staff who rewarded academic excellence. My self esteem probably suffered slightly as a result of this. However, I still enjoyed my time there though, made good friends and I think I probably achieved higher exam grades (As, Bs and Cs) than if I had gone to my local comprehensive school. I don't regret going to that school. I think you should send your son to the independent school. He is probably well aware of his own limitations so it won't come as a surprise to him that he doesn't shine like his brother, just make it clear to him at report/exam time that he shines in your eyes just as much as his brother does.

I think thirdhill's way of thinking about this is very useful. If there were no DS1, which school would be the ideal school for DS2?

I have listening to a girl friend talking through her choices for her DS1 and DS2 recently. Her DS2 cannot continue at the boys' present school (too challenging) and she doesn't want her DS1 to stay there forever either - she wants them in an entirely different system. But she definitely wants them both in the same school again pretty quickly. The best way to think about it for her was to list all possible school options individually per child, and then to choose the school which was top for one child and closest to top for another.

From your description of the two schools, it would seem that if DS1 were not there, you would choose school 1 as it suits DS2 better. It also seems that you are not really convinced (and neither is anyone else) that Ds1 being there is at all relevant.

Does that help you choose?

You mentioned that you think one of DS2's issues is that he's young for the year. Is deferring for a year an option so that he goes to DS1's school a year later as the oldest in the year?

Appreciate that he may well rather swallow razor blades than be held back and would only work if the current school is independent, but it could be an option.

I went to a good state school, my brothers went private on scholarship. We got the same results, got into the same highly competitive course at top university. I have no resentment, I knew my parents had considered my options and the local private girls school was weak in many subjects.

Just go with your gut feeling, OP.

"I couldn't bear it if in later years DS2 accused us of sending him to a 'less good' school to save money!"

This is a very strong argument, IMO. If your DS2 has got into the same selective school as your DS1, I would send him there. The fact that your DS2 may not be quite as brilliant academically as your DS1 is not going to change by virtue of the fact that you send them to different schools.

I'd send him to his brother's school and see how he gets on. Mainly because I agree with the valid comments other posters have made. But secondly, because if after a year or two, both you and he realise it is not the school for him then you can move him. I am always amazed at how much movement there is. Very oversubscribed schools will have places at various moments. People move house, circumstances change, pupils are expelled or don't settle. So if you are prepared to jump ship at a moments notice then places are found.

You seem to be assuming that the private school where your DS is at present is in some way failing to provide its bottom 20% with a positive school experience and the best possible academic provision for their abilities, and is lacking in pastoral care to notice if anyone is struggling academically, socially or emotionally.

In which case, take elder DS out too.

I would send him to whichever school you really think will suit him best. Wouldn't worry about him being in the bottom 20% as the school will probably set/stream children on ability academically anyway so he will be doing work which is appropriate for him.

Also going against the general view on here about "resentment" if he goes to the state rather than private, I think that will depend on which school he really wants to go to. If he would prefer the state school and is happy there, if handled correctly I don't think it will cause resentment.

My DH went to local primary and local comp and eventually boarded for two years for A levels ( although actually wanted to go to local 6th form college with his mates, but he enjoyed boarding in the end) whereas my DSISinlaw went to posh local girls day school from 4-18, turned down the chance to go to boarding school, but over 20 years later is still the one with the chip on her shoulder about how DH was treated better because he got to go for 2 years ( compared to her 14) to a boarding school.

Agree with others that it is more convenient to have them in same school but I have mine in schools 100 miles away from home ( in opposite directions) so we have some logistical issues, but I know that they would each not thrive at the other one's school.
So over-riding advice would be to go for the school which best fits your child's ability and needs.

I think you should also have confidence in the schools ability to select. If he wasn't good enough to cope they wouldn't have had him. You must also not compare how well he is doing and just let him"be".

I think you would be building up a potential HUGE amount of resentment from ds2, if you pay for ds1 to go to an independent school, but not him

You need to send them both to private schools. I'd never contemplate sending the younger, less confident to the local state school while the other went private, if I could afford to send both. You could find a different school.

You may be over-thinking this. Education/schooling is never exactly what you want, you have to accept a compromise somewhere.

We had the opposite problem in our family. DS1 went to school and carved a niche for himself. A few years later DS2 came along and 'shone' more than DS1. Soon DS2 was no longer described as DS1's little brother; it was DS1 who was described as DS2's older brother. He wasn't pleased!
However, over the years DS1 has done better than DS2 because he is a hard worker whereas DS2 is lazy.

It is nice if they can go to the same school where they have mutual friends and shared experiences & memories.

two reasons really, the 'not worth paying for' aspect marking him out as different from his brother (whatever the intention), and the fact that he wants to go to school 1... you going against his wishes and opting for school 2 would presumably cement his feeling that he's being treated differently for some reason (back to reason one). if you are concerned that he might lack confidence in his own ability in comparison to his brother, choosing school 2 would cement that for life.

that said, i've only ever been the brainy good at sports older sibling. dsis went to the same school as me, achieved far less academically and on the sports fields, but afaik hasn't been scarred by the experience for life... she's certainly earned a darned sight more cash than i have since as well

agree with ladymuck. the boy has made the grade so deserves to reap the fruits of his success. if my parents had told me i had to sit the exam for indie entrance, i'd passed it, and then they told me i couldn't go anyway, i would be majorly pissed. particularly if my older bro was already there.

A local prep school to 13 might have been a more nurturing environment for a couple of years, but I guess is not an option?

Does School 1 have a Head of Lower school with whom you could discuss your concerns? It could be the case that ds2 would be able to find his own, different niche to ds1 in terms of music/drama.

We're mulling over a similar decision for ds2 (ie state back-up to 1st choice academic indie rather than less academic indie), but if ds2 passed the 1st choice indie he would go.

I think that if your ds2 has prepared for the exams, and has worked to get in, then you are setting yourself up for turbulent times if you then deny him the chance.