Dilemma... 'more average' sibling to follow super-bright brother to same school, or somewhere else, with a chance to 'shine'??

I've sent all of mine to the same school so far fluffyhamster. It's high in the top 100. My DC have a spread of ability too but no teacher has ever, ever drawn invidious comparisons, nor would. Some of mine may sometimes feel, or have felt, that they have a tough act to follow but my reasoning has always been that this school is overwhelmingly their best option and so each, having passed the test, should have his or her chance to prosper. The fact that a group of them are all there has been incredibly positive; in fact there have been no downsides to the arrangement that give me even the slightest regret (the fourth is in Y13, three others are still there, so this experience is over a period of time).

My gut is saying same school; if he did ever get mauled emotionally he would at least have his brother to help him/ look out for him.

My sister was pretty shy age 10 but confidence suddenly sky-rocketed; you don't know your son will always be 'less robust'.

I think if he's into music and drama his strengths may be different to your first's; I'd send him to the school that will make the most of them. Seconding what others have said; be upfront with teachers if you send to same school and express the concerns outlined in OP so that they can work with DC2 to his advantage. Educationalists today are more about positive messaging in my experience, so it would surprise me if teachers did openly make comparisons, to the detriment of your DC2's confidence.

? at fluffpuff? You won't send you'd child to a comprehensive school because it provides differentiated work for children of different abilities? What on earth are you on about?

What is the philosophical difficulty with a non-selective comp attempting to stretch the gifted and talented? Surely differentiating is exactly the right thing to do?

If your ds passed the exam then you should send him, otherwise why did you let him sit it? Sounds like he likes music and drama which you say are excellent at ds1s school. Probably not a good idea to send one child to fee paying and not the other especially if he passed the exam to get in!!!why not look at smaller independent schools where you think your ds2 might flourish. As good as your local state school is they do tend to focus on the brightest. At my local state school which is supposed to be very good they run a scheme for the so called 'Gifted and Talented' which for a supposedly non selective comprehensive is appalling. Imagine how the children who are not labelled 'Gifted and Talented' feel? That is the main reason my ds will not be going there even though he would probably be in this 'G and T' group.

If your ds passed the exam then you should send him, otherwise why did you let him sit it? Sounds like he likes music and drama which you say are excellent at ds1s school. Probably not a good idea to send one child to fee paying and not the other especially if he passed the exam to get in!!!why not look at smaller independent schools where you think your ds2 might flourish. As good as your local state school is they do tend to focus on the brightest. At my local state school which is supposed to be very good they run a scheme for the so called 'Gifted and Talented' which for a supposedly non selective comprehensive is appalling. Imagine how the children who are not labelled 'Gifted and Talented' feel? That is the main reason my ds will not be going there even though he would probably be in this 'G and T' group.

dandelioness we live in a rural area the two nearest idie schools to us (he didn't want to board any more) have either worse results or only 2-3% better results than his top performing comp. The later also had a bloody awful journey to get too. The decision to send him to the local comp was the best one we/he ever made; he has local friends, is doing well and his confidence has come on by leaps and bounds. He walks to school across fields and can also walk to all his friends and is involved in community activities including voluntary work. Everyone knows him and all say hello when they pass him. It?s the sort of education many Londoners dream of. Why pay when you have this opportunity? So pleased are we with the school that we seriously considered sending DS2 there but he?d just been offered a place at his boarding school he?d been sent to his prep 4 years prior to this with this school in mind so it was too difficult for him or us to change courses now. He was also three to four years ahead of his compatriots in the state sector and I could not see it working for him.
What ever decsion the OP makes she needs to really believe that its going to work and in my experience it probabaly will.

Abitwobblynow, your approach ONLY works if your child's decision and your decision happen to align. If it doesn't then it is I am afraid a terrible idea. My sister did exactly this with her son, and thought because they had explained very clearly all the benefits of the school they were hoping he would choose that he would do so. He didn't, and they realized that they just couldn't continue sending him to the school that they were very unhappy with. So they moved him. He was very very angry (for years). Not only did he have to go to the school he didn't chose, but he also felt that his parents had lied to him about offering a choice, and had disregarded his feelings. It would have been much much better just to tell him what was going to happen (NB I think that they made the right choice, just did it the wrong way)

happygardening- i really hope not.Obviously he couldn't have gone to the same school as is younger brother but was there not another independent school which would have suited him and his particular talents.It does sound rather as if , because he is not so academic, his education is less worth investing in.
In the Op's case why enter the the poor child for the entrance exam, have him pass it and then still decide he's not bright enough for the school.It's a well documented fact that 'borderline' grammar school passers do much better in a grammar school environment than at a comp.

I totally agree with you Happygardening. However, you and I appear to be saying this when we have truly fantastic state options and therefore feel hand on heart that by sending one child there is not in anyway giving them an inferior education. Perhaps some of the other posters don't have such good state options and my sending one child state and the other private it IS a big difference. But, there is no way I am turning down a school which gets nearly 90% A-C at GCSE including English and maths, 50% EBACC, value add of 1019 and approx 15 a year into Oxbridge as well as offering extra curricular as long as my arm purely because it is a state school so that I can say to my DS I spent the same amount of money on you as on your sister for you to get an almost identical education.

If he throws it back at me then I will have to live with it but we have made that decision and stand by it. I hope that she will go there too but it may not suit her and having just had to move her quickly out of a very good primary to prep it has reinforced to me that one size just does not fit all.

By the way I do agree with you that you cannot burden children with making decisions about which school on their own and that sometimes we have to override their wishes.

"I re-iterate to you that in years to come he will turn round and want to know why you have paid tens of thousands on his brothers education and not his!"

So dandelioness do you think this will also happen to us? Despite the fact that my DS1 is very happy and doing well at his excellent comp and would never have got into to DS2's school super selective boarding school?
In my occupation we have an ethos of treating people as individuals we also do this at home. I believe what is right for one is not right for the other. Maybe if the OP DS is sent to his brothers school he will turn around in the future and say "why did you let me go to DS1 school if you had doubt about my ability cope? I hated it, the pressure to do well was enormous and I was always aware that i was at the bottom of the year group and always felt inferior."

I t is not fair to burden a 10 or 11 year old with making this kind of decision. We as parents have to take charge of making decisions they have not got the maturity or experience to make yet.

I re-iterate to you that in years to come he will turn round and want to know why you have paid tens of thousands on his brothers education and not his! I don't think he'll remember / be appeased by you saying you asked for his input.I am only saying this because I have seen it happen in several families when the children get to their 20s and 30s and however well they have done, start wondering if they would have got further with a private education
Send him to his brothers school.If it doesn't seem right move him then.

Could I add two things:

1. sit down with both your children as a family, and put it to them, the pros and the cons, lay it all out - (reassure DS2 that ££££ is not his problem, he is valuable and worth it [children should never be burdened with financial decisions you make]), and ask them to go away as brothers, think about it, and return with their thoughts back to the next meeting.

So many reasons for this recommendation: a) communication is open, clear, democratic and open family based. b) they get a little taste of the realities that go into decision making processes. c) this is how corporate life/the world of work works. d)they get given the power to influence their lives, and the knowledge that they have a voice, and they know that they have responsibility in the outcome. e) it gets the two brothers COLLABORATING and SUPPORTING eachother in their decisions you will find out how much they love eachother.

then,

1. follow your gut. It is important to PRAISE DS2 for his achievement in getting selected, and to reassure him that the decisions he and bro make are valid ones.

Please think very seriously about my suggestions in 1. When children are included, felt heard and given a chance to have a say, you will be amazed at what you see, the wisdom, reality, responsibility and strength that lie in your wonderful children - and the huge drop in alienation/teenage stuff.

Lol seorae, you're ok, no Latin comments here. I do know my sis is on here somewhere though, but afaik haven't bumped into her yet...

She'll recognise this though - she went on to a local poly and picked up a diploma and our parents attended the ceremony and lauded her achievement (rightly - she then went on and used it in her work and made considerable promotions etc etc. a year later I graduated with a first and my parents didn't even come to the ceremony - so it isn't necessarily all about the school or the academics lol. But I do wonder about their motivations and if they were maybe trying a bit too hard where dsis was concerned... Ishoos? Moi? )

I only mention that as an aside to the op... I can see I do a similar thing with my own dcs (in a slightly different way - one has a disability and does, if I'm honest, get treated slightly differently in that her achievements are slightly more lauded than that of the other two.) so as a bit of a warning to myself as well.....

My parents sent me and my sibling to different schools. My big sister went to grammar, my brother to boarding school, my middle sister to an independent school and I went to another. I suspect that my middle sister's school was more expensive, and obviously my brother's school was a lot more. It's never really crossed my mind to rent my parents for this (although I did want to go to a different school, just not to either of my sisters, as we all went to girl's schools and I wanted to go to a mixed school).

It was very nice to go to a school where I wasn't always compared to my sisters as I had been in primary. I've known a few siblings that have been permanently in the shadow of a sibling, and I think it can be very problematic. Might be easier if the two boys are really very different.

The only thing I would caution is giving your child the idea that the school choice is up to them, and then not going with their choice. My sister did this with her ds and it caused a huge amount of resentment (even though he does acknowledge that it was the best choice, he is still angry about it, even though he is at university now).

Personally I would go with the school where you think that your ds will be happier. If music and drama is really his thing and it's really much better then that might be enough to swing it, but otherwise if you think he needs nurturing and his own space, then I'd go with school 2.

Wonders if outofbody is her sister?
that said, i've only ever been the brainy good at sports older sibling. dsis went to the same school as me, achieved far less academically and on the sports fields, but afaik hasn't been scarred by the experience for life... she's certainly earned a darned sight more cash than i have since as well

If she is she'll know that a certain comment about how much better she was at Latin has indeed scarred me for life!

To be honest I was in this position and whilst it started off by getting to me it ultimately gave me a very strong attitude that I'd show them. No I didn't get a host of academic qualifications but once out of school and into the workplace, that attitude gave me a lot more ambition.

Just picking out some of your comments, you say he a bit young, is competitive but inclined to back away if not initially great at something, arty and free spirited. You know what he might just never be great at school regardless of which one you choose. I say go for School 1, work with the head of the lower school and with him to keep him on track where you need to but let him grow up but not always cajoling him. Its early days but when he is older - and if its still like this - take time to demonstrate people who've thrived away from school, show him options for when he is older that are maybe not the traditional ones. IMO Charles Handy The New Alchemists is a great showcase of these people if it helps get your head round what it takes to "shine"

My eldest sister was very bright. My middle sister is an excellent homemaker and gardener, but academic she is not, and is still probably affected by going to the same school where the teachers constantly compared her unfavourably to eldest sister. I was aware of this and was therefore glad that we'd moved before I went to secondary so I started afresh at a new school where there were no comparisons to be made.

Where does DS want to go? Has he got other talents? Will he thrive in Drama at school 1? Will he have that opportunity at school 2.

Could you move him to school 2 if he didn't get on at school 1?

"I really feel I have had to coach/ cajole/bribe/enforce DS2 through his school career to date just to keep him on track! Perhaps I am worried about committing myself to another 7 years of that!"
I?m sorry if I?m being a bit obtuse here but are you worried that you?re going to have to continue doing this at school 1 or 2?
Welcome back seeker long time no hear MN has been what shall we say dull without you!

I vote school 1.