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Original poster

Independant and State grammar Seconday education

84 replies

MauAnt · 09/12/2011 08:50

Hi all

My son DD who has a conditional place at Eton in 2013 is going to a feeder prep boarding school in Oxford to complete year 7 and 8. We are by no means rich as we rely on scholarships and bursaries which thankfully he has for about 80% of the fees.

I have five children all who went or are in state primary schools and dd above is the 2nd, my daughter the older one who is 13 is in a state grammar school in Reading and her younger sister is in year 6 aged 10 is sitting exams for the same state grammar school as her sister and for some independent schools in Oxford. As she is academic we are hoping for a bursary/scholarship from the independent sector if she goes to one.

The question I ask myself is whether my other children aged 8 and 4 and the 13 year old in grammar school will feel resentment for not being privately educated as I intend to focus on only the state grammar schools in the future unless there are exceptional circumstances. I had to move my son to an independent school in Year 5 despite scraping 1/3 of the fees as he is very academic, a sportsman and needed that extra challenge. It transformed him from the boy who was bored at school and did not want to go to a very enthusiastic boy and one who eventually passed the initial Eton exam. My year 6 daughter is almost similar, aspires to be a writer has some of her work published in the Young writers books and I worry that in the state sector she will be suppressed. She is getting ready for the ISEB common entrance examinations in January and I am shocked at how little science is taught in state primary schools compared to independent schools which places her at a disadvantage.

I love all my children equally and do not want any of them to feel less favoured, I remind my daughter in Kendrick Reading about that. Just that these two children are different in their own way. Having said that if none of our bursary applications are successful and my daughter passes to Kendrick Reading (I am not taking it for granted) I will gladly jump at it. Also common sense tells me that I need to meet the 20% school fees for my son and not be looking for any additional fee commitments for my daughter. Help this confused lady who is trying to do the right thing but might be getting it all wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
MauAnt · 09/12/2011 10:47

Isn't it more sensible to address this rather than telling DD to not go in order to avoid a future grudge with the siblings? Especially as the older sibling had a choice and choose her grammar school over an indie one?

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 09/12/2011 10:46

DH's eldest brother is still resentful that he went to a state school and DH and the his youngest brother went to independent's. His brother is in his 50's.

sue52 · 09/12/2011 10:45

MauAnt She may well have turned down the private school but could it have matched Eton?

sue52 · 09/12/2011 10:42

If your son gets to go to Eton and your DDs a grammar the girls may well be massively resentful when they fully understand the difference. Just because you did not feel this way towards your brother there is no guarantee the girls will be as understanding. I think you may well be storing up grudges in the future.

Original poster
MauAnt · 09/12/2011 10:41

In the indie/ grammar school scenario there is no one disadvantaged because they are equally selective academic schools. My daughter loves her school and when asked if she would like to change to independent in sixth form she hates the idea.

She choose her school over an indie school where she got an academic scholarship at the end of year 6. In her case why would she resent her brother who also passed to the local boys grammar school and the indie one and choose the independent one? Doesn't this show children are different and you cannot put them all into one straight jacket because people are different. As they say all fingers are not equal that does not necessarily mean that one finger is better than the rest.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 09/12/2011 10:27

"The question I ask myself is whether my other children aged 8 and 4 and the 13 year old in grammar school will feel resentment"

and "I love all my children equally and do not want any of them to feel less favoured"

I think the answer is quite obvious - they are very, very likely to feel resentment at the unequal treatment. To send children to different schools because it's what suits them is fine, so long as you are all clear about why those choices have been made. To restrict some of your children because you can't afford to give them what you are choosing to give one sibling is a different matter.

If you are not in a position to give each child the school place that suits them best, then you need to accept that and treat them all equally, which is not what you are currently planning to do.

Your other DC may forgive you this plan, or they may not. But if they don't, please don't decide that it is their fault for not being "reasonable" about it. It would be your fault for treating their needs as having different priorities.

Original poster
MauAnt · 09/12/2011 09:53

All of my children are special none are more special than the other. Children are different and have different qualitiies not necessarily better than the others. Do you know what percentage of children from different parts of the world sit and pass the Eton exam? So if your child does and has an enormous opportunity in life, I think it is wrong to simply tell the child you cannot go unless all your siblings have the same opportunity to make it fair!

Good parenting and how reasonable the child/other children are comes into play here. If the other siblings see it as an opportunity their brother has which he merited they would not resent him unless they are growing up to be envious and are not proud of who they are irrespective of where they are or what person A B C has achieved. My brother went to boarding school, went to the first university of his choice whilst I had to stay in the local university close to home to look after my parents who where unwell. My brother and I are very close.

There are no guarantees in life, the Eton educated boy may not necessarily be better off than the rest, the grammar school student may go to Oxbridge. It is how much hard work you put into it that is what produces the results. My children do well because we work hard together, despite holding a full time job, I actively participate in their education in terms of teaching and all of my children get the same degree of help/homework, supervision, play from me and that gave the edge. So they know that if you want something you have to work for it.

OP posts:
basildonbond · 09/12/2011 09:21

I can't see how they're not going to feel resentful to be honest - you're being very clear that your ds is 'special' - and it's not a case of your eldest daughter going to state grammar and your son going to an independent equivalent - he's going to Eton!! - even 20% of the fees is going to be what, £6000 minimum?

Now you're saying your year 6 daughter is 'special' too .. because she's had stuff published in a vanity publishing concern ... what happens when your 8 year old and 4 year old show signs of being 'special' too?

Very few people have the kind of income which can support one child at an independent school of any kind, let alone one of the most expensive in the country. Eton is not the only choice for academic, sporty boys - there are plenty in other, cheaper, independents and even more in state schools! You don't have the money to put all five through an equivalent, so really you should be working out how you can use the limited budget you do have to enrich the experience of all your children ... the money you're spending on your son would pay for a lot of sports clubs, tutors, days out etc for your whole family - and don't think your other children won't be able to work that out for themselves ...

Original poster
MauAnt · 09/12/2011 09:02

Hi all

My son DD who has a conditional place at Eton in 2013 is going to a feeder prep boarding school in Oxford to complete year 7 and 8. We are by no means rich as we rely on scholarships and bursaries which thankfully he has for about 80% of the fees.

I have five children all who went or are in state primary schools and dd above is the 2nd, my daughter the older one who is 13 is in a state grammar school in Reading and her younger sister is in year 6 aged 10 is sitting exams for the same state grammar school as her sister and for some independent schools in Oxford. As she is academic we are hoping for a bursary/scholarship from the independent sector if she goes to one.

The question I ask myself is whether my other children aged 8 and 4 and the 13 year old in grammar school will feel resentment for not being privately educated as I intend to focus on only the state grammar schools in the future unless there are exceptional circumstances. I had to move my son to an independent school in Year 5 despite scraping 1/3 of the fees as he is very academic, a sportsman and needed that extra challenge. It transformed him from the boy who was bored at school and did not want to go to a very enthusiastic boy and one who eventually passed the initial Eton exam. My year 6 daughter is almost similar, aspires to be a writer has some of her work published in the Young writers books and I worry that in the state sector she will be suppressed. She is getting ready for the ISEB common entrance examinations in January and I am shocked at how little science is taught in state primary schools compared to independent schools which places her at a disadvantage.

I love all my children equally and do not want any of them to feel less favoured, I remind my daughter in Kendrick Reading about that. Just that these two children are different in their own way. Having said that if none of our bursary applications are successful and my daughter passes to Kendrick Reading (I am not taking it for granted) I will gladly jump at it. Also common sense tells me that I need to meet the 20% school fees for my son and not be looking for any additional fee commitments for my daughter. Help this confused lady who is trying to do the right thing but might be getting it all wrong

OP posts: