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Original poster

My 14 year old daughter has changed from confident to reclusive in Y8/9

39 replies

bilibob · 03/11/2011 13:38

I am at my wits end regarding subtle bullying in the form of total exclusion of my daughter. Lots of friends through primary, unpleasantness through Y7 & 8 and now in Y9 I predict she will soon start refusing to go to school. If being excluded completely from all social plans is bullying then that's what this is. Pairing up in lessons is excruciating - why do teachers persist in this? Last term she was at another girl's house who logged onto a vile website and proceeded to "interact" with a series of men via webcam. My daughter hid under the table in complete horror and told me the minute I picked her up. I thought about it for a week and then contacted the police for advice.The subsequent police interest resluted in my daughter becoming even more of a pariah. They move into her place on the school bus and laugh when she has nowhere to sit.... it's never ending.

OP posts:
mummytime · 04/11/2011 14:03

My friends too the reluctant decision to move their daughter in year 9 (about Christmas time). She is now back in the original school for sixth form, but those 2 + years did her the world of good. She was able to get good exam passes, be happy and mature in a environment which was safe for her. Despite the difficulties I would seriously suggest you look at moving her. She will not achieve her potential if she is unhappy, and it could seriously damage her mental health.

mumslife · 04/11/2011 13:34

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EverythingInMjiniature · 04/11/2011 12:46

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Mrsrobertduvall · 04/11/2011 12:44

Is the school having a focus in antibullying week?
Maybe they should address it then..lesson plans, activities, maybe a speaker in from Nspcc.

Original poster
bilibob · 04/11/2011 12:35

Thanks for all your messages. Yes, it is private just FYI. For that reason , moving in Y9 is fraught with all sorts of potential problems - if you know what I mean. I am a secondary teacher of 20 years myself in state schools, and I quite often have to excercise massive amounts of self control as a result of hearing how this school handles situations. As for the comment about keeping fee payers happy - I absolutely agree with this. Academically it's ok - pastorally it's not. I'd rather have a happy, hard worker than a stressed out, miserable girl who's guaranteed top marks! There are 3 ringleaders on the school bus who the others are happy to follow, and one in the class. these girls seem to dictate whether the others include my daughter - or not... Most of the others act as bystanders (think that's the term for someone who doesn't actually bully but just watches and joins in now and then). She has a couple of out of school friends from Drama but going to different schools means they can't meet up too often. I have one mum who rang me last week asking how she could help. She has been made aware that her daughter is part of the problem and I really appreciate her offer. The rest of the parents could not care less - and I think this is also part of the prob. The mother who was actually in the house on the chatroom afternoon last June has never phoned me to say she feels embarrassed/sorry/angry about what her daughter did. I am the bad gut for reporting it - and my daughter is a "malicious bitch" apparently for telling me what happened.

OP posts:
PrideOfChanur · 04/11/2011 09:08

Sad for your DD.Yr 8/9 can be a really difficult time.I agree with the posters who think you should consider a move to another school.

Having said that,is her whole year group involved in this bullying,or are there some girls at school she gets on with?
If so is there anyway of playing up her involvement with them,getting her off the bus,and talking to the school again about class organisation,and the pairing up in lessons?
The school's approach so far has been rubbish,and if you have spoken to them over a couple of years without any positive result for your DD,I wouldn't be expecting miracles now...
I used to be pro secondary school children getting themselves to school,and still am,but having experienced with DD what school buses can be like day in and day out - well,not many adults are likely to end up in a situation where they are being bullied in the workplace,and on their journey to work,everyday,with the possibility of this going on for another 5 years.

Also,does your DD have friends out of school? IME this helps,even if they are just friends seen once a week at sports or whatever.It helps to have someone out there who you know does like you.

DeeScent · 04/11/2011 08:31

Sorry your dd is going through this. I would move her to a different school for a fresh start.

3littlefrogs · 04/11/2011 08:10

She is being bullied and the school is colluding. Please get her out now before things get any worse.

campergirls · 04/11/2011 08:00

Pastoral care at this school is obviously crap, and their approach to bullying worse. Please tell us you're not really paying money to expose your daughter to such unprofessional behaviour by the school.

PotteringAlong · 04/11/2011 07:47

I second laPrune, I think she needs to move schools.

Going out on a limb - us it a private school if she's been there since reception? Not that it should make any difference to how they respond but, having worked in private and state, I've seen a whole 'keep the majority of fee payers happy thing' going on.

Talk to your DD about what she wants but look at any other school she can feasibly attend. If this carries on and she refuses to go she could potentially come out with nothing, so she'll still do much better if she's happy at a less academic school iyswim?

Also, most option choices will take place in January so it's the ideal time to slot in!

mrsgboring · 04/11/2011 07:41

I have to say I agree with LaPrune, that a school transfer could do her the world of good. My sister was very strange at school, consequently bullied and the school dealt with it in a similarly stupid manner to the way your DD's school seem to be handling it. She moved schools and it was a complete tonic.

Also, it's important she doesn't feel trapped in this situation, that there would always be a way round it. That alone might make her feel less dreadful, but I would follow it up and do it too. The situation at her current school sounds toxic (to overuse a term)

LaPruneDeMaTante · 04/11/2011 07:35

So sorry to read this. Something similar happened to me at that age (someone read my diary...it had an incident of basically sexual abuse by another boy in it towards a friend...friend denied it and lied so nearly all pals ostracized me for a good while...small school, nowhere to go, no other groups to be with) and I dealt with it by just getting on with things in my own head and being very lonely for a year or so. It is all the worse when you know you've actually done nothing wrong.

It seems extreme but is there any possibility of a transfer to another school?

(BTW in my case it did all even itself out when we were 15/16 and I ended up on good terms with the girl who'd lied and the others too. TBh I find that quite sad as she was clearly vile, but there's not much option when your entire school year is about 15 people!)

Original poster
bilibob · 04/11/2011 07:25

She has been at the ame school since reception. I have approached the school sveral times over the last 2 years. Their response is always to gather the group of girls ( minus my daughter) in the HOY office to "get their side". The result of this is that she feels as though she's either exaggerating or making it all up, and they damage limit between themselves in a bunch. They emerge from the HOY office and gloat - also exclude her even more. She's clever, pretty, normal weight, not a geek (I just say this so you know there's no obvious reason why it's like it is). It's a girls school!! - having said that, there are boys on the school bus, and the bus girls love to continue on the way to and from school. Sending boys texts telling them to beware because my daughter is a "stalker" etc (ridiculous as she's beyond self concious) - funnily enough the boys seem to behave like the girls in this context. The more she puts up a barrier, the more her body language is defensive and difficult. It's a vicious circle. She hasn't used fb or any other site for ages now - scared to put anything out there.

OP posts:
Francesca22 · 03/11/2011 14:02

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your daughter are going through. Bullying seems a very fair description of what is happening. Have you talked to school? If not would suggest picking up the phone now and making an appointment no matter how much your daughter doesn't want you to. Is she at all girls or co-ed? A lot of girls go through what your daughter is suffering end of Y8/ start Y9. I don't know if it's hormones.

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