Do I tell my DS I am disappointed with his GCSE results

I could have been your son at GCSE (1A, 10A's and a B - everyone expected 12As). He will already be gutted and doesn't need you to make him feel any worse. What he will need is help going into his A-Levels. I didn't revise for mine, mostly because I didn't know how. I'd sailed through school without needing to work and all of a sudden at A-level I did but didn't know how. The teachers focus on the ones that struggle, not the ones who sail. He'll need help developing working stratagies that aren't just "read and assume I'll remember it".

I got into Oxford ( albeit 13 years ago) on 3 A*s 3 As 3 Bs and a C.

I did have 3 A s at A Level but not all in traditional subjects. It depends on the subject - I got in to read English - but I think once you get that interview it really is about how you perform on the day.

I know I got in over many straight A* students. Oxbridge aren't looking for all rounders, they're looking for talent in the subject.

Given his actual results (I thought you were going to say he got mostly Bs & worse when he was projected all As/A*s) I think, OP, you are projecting too much on him what you want and not what he wants or will be happiest with. He is still finding his way and about himself. He is not (for now?) cut out to do the level of work you (or Oxbridge?) want from him. So I don't feel you should "vent" anything.

His path will be littered with minor disappointments, not getting to Oxbridge is not a huge thing unless you want it to be.

there really is nothing at all wrong with A grades (or even B, C or D grades). The important thing is what someone should have got and anything less would be letting yourself down, if what you have done is wasted away revision time not putting in any effort.

In this case, Op is saying that DS should have got A* grades in line with his ability.

Froot I am in EXACTLY the same situation. Although my son was never intending to apply to Oxbridge, and I wasn't expecting a full complement of A stars, I was expecting more than he got. And what's pissing me off is that he seems happy enough with a set of results which whilst not terrible, are a bit mediocre and certainly are not a reflection of his ability.

I have reacted the same as you. I don't feel I should be lavishing him with praise and perhaps a financial gift, because I know damn well he didn't revise much, or manage his time properly, or make much of an effort at all except in the final few hours. I think he should know that I am disappointed, because he has let himself down.

On the other hand, everything he took came back A-C grade, no total flunks, and it could be so much worse.

I said his results were 'quite good' and 'ok' but I refuse to say more than that because it's not true. It's not about whether the grades are high or low, it's about whether he has done himself justice, and he hasn't. He was really sulking with me yesterday, saying nothing is ever good enough for me. I feel really awful - I don't to knock his self-esteem, but I don't want to let him think he can sail through life being rewarded for half-hearted effort either.

The best advice is on the Oxford University website and its Cambridge counterpart. Open Days are invaluable too.

I've said almost exactly that to both DS2 and DS3 EightiesChick!

Dear froot and others with interest, there was a lot of revising and lot of changes have taken place vis a vis applying to Oxbridge, this link gives clear instructions who should and could possibly apply for Oxbridge, I have read with interest bit about interview:
www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Applying_to_Oxbridge hope it helps

It is indeed sad that 'just' an A is now not good enough - and I'm not meaning that as a go at you, froot because it's not just you. It's the whole culture surrounding GCSEs and A levels.

That said, slacking off when effort would have got you better grades is a shame. It is tricky to do but I think there is a conversation waiting to be had here where you say a) you are proud of him and love him always, unconditionally, and more than anything want him to be happy, and b) you know he is very smart and want him to achieve his full potential because it seems like that would have a good chance (though not certain) of making him happy - and that sometimes in sixth form that might involve short-term sacrifice for long-term gain.

I understood what you were saying completely froot, but your focus on Oxbridge may well make him unhappy if you push him too much in the next year or especially if he doesn't get in. If you're 'livid and disappointed' about a couple of B's how will you help him get perspective if an 'unsuccessful' pops up against Oxford on UCAS Track?

I've tried to make sure that mine see there are other great places to go, that seems the better way round.

Exams are buggers, they frequently do reflect a person's braininess but they often don't.

FWIW I know a very clever boy who's starting this year for the same course your DS would like to do with almost identical grades.

Absolutely agree with cupawoman, we have one of those at home too, brilliant and logical mind, but chilled too chilled for his own good, breadth of his knowledge is vast, and part of me hopes he will do well, but I do get worried about him.
My concerns are not so much with his grades, they are more to do with his whole attitude towards work and life.

No flack from me at all. As a teacher I completely understand what you are trying to say and your reservations about his results.

What is the most important thing in life? I think we'd all agree that it's happiness.

You want your son to do well, to fulfill his academic potential and to have a great career. Nothing wrong with that. However, look at the people you know who have studied constantly to get far. Are they any happier? Your son is very bright. In my opinion, when it is clear that someone is clever, the other things become more important. Does he have friends? Can he communicate easily? Does he have fun? Many clever people miss out on all of this. It sounds to me like he has the best of both worlds. Well done him, and well done to you too.

Now please tell us his results!

I agree with Lougle and also that Merrylegs speaks fantastic common sense.

There is frightening intensity from some mothers on MN, almost always Oxbridge focussed. Very worrying and apt to go wrong.

Oxford and Cambridge are fabulous places but not worth making a DC miserable over, if hard work isn't his thing.

Maybe I am projecting. I was expected to excell at school. Did very little work and got A, 4As (would have been A for science but teacher wouldn't put me in for higher paper because she thought I would flunk due to no work), 4Bs.

The expectation put me right off, I flunked my A-levels, then refused to apply for University until everyone got off my back, then chose a Uni through clearing and told them.

I hated that everyone thought they knew what I was doing with my life.

Froot "As he was always weirdly clever we have worked incessantly on his social skills (and not hot housed him )and that has paid off so i know I should be happy he his well adjusted and normal rather than being stressy and geeky with no friends."

You sound like a fab parent who IMO has done everything right - some things take longer in life before you see the real payback.

absolutely agree with you Cupa, absolutely!!

And I think op knows her own son equally well.....

oops, don't know where that extra my came from

OP can I suggest you encourage your DS to attend a fairly local but very good university open day in Sept/Oct?
DS did this and went to the Bristol Open Day. Being among the very bright Y13 students, sitting in the lecture halls and listening to the lecturers was a far more powerful incentive than anything we ever managed to say to him. He was also far better focussed and did more research than many of his friends because he could "see" the end result.

Merrylegs "The frustration with my DS is similar - he didn't reach his perceived potential. But actually, that's part of who he is, a non-stressed kid who enjoys his work but doesn't bust a gut."

Fantastic common sense there. This is my both my DSs in a nutshell - they did very well academically but probably neither reached their full potential. However, they are both very laid back, happy, chilled out individuals who don't get stressed at exam time. Got to count for something.

Lougle - he achieved those results with little to no revision, according to OP.

and in the subjects where he needed to put in some work, he didn't. whether during coursework (so many opportunities to ge tit right, he will have heard the warnings to other pupils, and seen the sustained efforts and re-writes/re-dos that other pupils did) or for the exams.

I walked through everythign at school, especially at gcse. I was lucky. I got a wake up call at my mocks, where I got As across the board, a B in music and an F for history.

quite rightly, my mother focussed on that F, not on the other grades, which were "just" standard for me.

As someone who did excel academically, please bear in mind that to thrive in a professional career, you need all sorts of qualities - social skills, resilience etc over and above the pure academic skills. Let him enjoy his teens, don't vent his spleen, he's clearly excelled in the subjects that interest him, let him build on that.