Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

yr7 DS- how can I help him improve this?

28 replies

VodkawithRosie · 06/04/2011 10:37

DS has always had his head in the clouds a bit, I have never been able to ask him once, always the last one out, forgets to do things he does regularly etc.

It seems as if it needs someone to be really cross with him or deny him something (pocket money) before he pulls his socks up and does something about it. I generally feel as if I need to be over his shoulder all the time nagging him, or it doesn't get done, however if we have recently had a big set to about an issue he will suddenly magically remember to do everything he should do.

I know I'm not explaining this very well, so examples would be

He was told if he didn't remember to tuck his shirt in he would be put on uniform report, he didn't and so was put on report for a week. He remembered every day that week, so came off report and now 2 days later I have had a note from his tutor saying he will go back on report as it is now untucked again.

He has to underline his titles in his work. He doesn't do this until the teacher mentions it in her marking (they are taken in to be marked once a week or so) and then he underlines for a few days before he forgets again.

There are quite a few other 'little' things like this, which I always feel bad nagging him about as he is a very good boy in so many ways. He is quite mature, his marks are great, he got A for effort in all subjects other than RE and cookery, he is and has always been able to fairly easily do the work he is set across most of the subjects.

We have tried encouragement and praise, charts, bribery, grounding and pocket money stopped. It sometimes feels that the only thing that works is really throwing a wobbly at him which I hate doing, and anyway this generally is short lived and is wrong on so many levels including the fact that it is often something trivial, but horribly repetitive, he doesn't 'dot the i's and cross the t's' iyswim.

Am I making too much of these things? Is it normal for a 12 yo just to be lazy about them? I do feel he makes the minimum effort required but this doesn't reflect in his mid-year report.

If I'm not then how do I tackle this?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
CrosswordAddict · 08/04/2011 15:41

VodkaI am looking forward to a break from all the nagging too. Smile I seem to be on constant alert for lost pe kit and other stuff like mouthguards bus tickets. I keep a list of homework deadlines and nag nag nag until it's done and handed in. The teachers say my two are a pleasure to teach - no wonder, I'm doing all the work for them! (the teachers I mean) Can honestly say that in seven years of secondary school I only ever lost anything once and that was because they had rearranged all the desks for an exam and I couldn't find my desk!
It's easy to say stop fussing over details but it's the details that get the top marks in the end. We can all just shrug and let them go their own sweet way but where will they end up? And by the way my two are both girls so it's nothing to do with being a boy. Good rest over Easter may help us to try again with a fresh lot of stuff next term. Wink

Jux · 08/04/2011 10:50

It's not just boys; my dd is just like this too. She's 11 and I thought it was to do with all the new stuff they have to contend with when they move up to secondary. They've had two terms and none of her friends are so disorganised; she's just getting worse. DH says it's because I'm too soft on her as I run around trying to find her shoes/books/pencil case etc in the mornings, or buy new stuff that's been lost.

Yesterday, she discovered that she'd lost 15 quid - it had been on the kitchen table for a week and I told her I'd put it on the stairs (along with everything else of hers that just lying around). She wanted the dosh and it had gone. We can only conclude that one of her 'friends' has nicked it. Don't know whether to replace it and hope she's learnt a lesson (Hmm) or leave her in penury as dh advocates.

Original poster
VodkawithRosie · 07/04/2011 22:43

Hurrah! A break for us them from all the tiresome remembering.

Acanthus, you have managed to imply we are all crap and to blame for vague DS as we have not applied consequences, not sure if that was your intention.

I have another DS and a DD, they have all been treated the same and yet DD is already better at remembering than her older brother. Younger DS is a bit better too.

I have applied consequences for DS1, have only been weak as far as running things he has forgotten in to school as I didn't want him to be in trouble during his first year and (being forgetful myself) understand how heartstopping it is when you realise you've mislaid something important at the last minute. I suppose I feel do to blame in a way, albeit you know, genetically!

Anyway, drivelling on, glad your DS is made of sterner stuff, I will remember to hold DS and not DS future wife fully responsible when my floopiness comes back to bite me in the shape of no Mother's Day card. He usually makes me a lovely one, I'll keep them and get one out every year on a rotation system.

If I can remember where I've put them.....

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 07/04/2011 22:06

Having had a mixed year 7 tutor group with differing parenting involvement with both genders, it is a boy thing.

Planner found today, bag packed for tomorrow. Last day of term.

Sportsmum · 07/04/2011 19:55

Does no one see that choosing to believe that it is a boy thing leads to mums facilitating this behaviour and training boys into the "did we send my mum a card" fuckwittery that people are bemoaning on that other thread at the moment?

What absolute bollocks

Alouiseg · 07/04/2011 19:16

Well I have 2 boys. Ds1 is the head in the clouds, laid back boy while ds2 is organised and ahead of himself.

I had this conversation with a friend this morning. It's really not that uncommon. I hav decided that I'm not picking up anyone's pieces anymore...including dh's Hmm

Acanthus · 07/04/2011 19:08

This is NOT a boy thing, it is a child thing. I have a DS in year 7 and he packs his bag every night, checks his planner and has forgotten one exercise book on two occasions all year. No lost property, no forgotten homework. If a child is allowed to feel the consequences then they will stop the behaviour.

Does no one see that choosing to believe that it is a boy thing leads to mums facilitating this behaviour and training boys into the "did we send my mum a card" fuckwittery that people are bemoaning on that other thread at the moment?

Sportsmum · 07/04/2011 14:49

A friend has a daily check sheet on the fridge for her DS - mobile, oyster card, planner, homework etc and HE has to check it off physically every day!

It seems to be a boy "thing". I have even charged "petrol" to one child who, despite being reminded the night before and in the morning, forgot something vital! Hasn't "reoffended"!

One of the DCs had to apologise to a member of staff for growing too quickly - as it was impossible to keep shirt tucked in for longer than a nano second. Fortunately they found the funny side of things - I didn't - [makes note to buy yet more shirts].

Apparently they do grow out of it, however, if their father's anything to go by....Hmm

scaryteacher · 07/04/2011 14:39

Mantra when leaving in the morning - have you got your brain, key and card, willy, lunch?

I have removed his exam timetable from him and will be getting dh to scan it and email it to me (scanner broke at home), and then I will have a copy. I also have Excel copies that I have done of his timetable for each week, that should he lose his planner, we have access to what is going on.

He is supposed to pack the night before for the next day, but inevitably he has lost his memory stick/watch/pencil case/planner/files and only realises in the morning. Sixth form when he is going back to UK to board will be a shock.

CrystalChandelier · 07/04/2011 14:17

My arrived home to tell me he'd lost his blazer. "How the hell did that happen?" I asked. "Well I looked down and it wasn't on my body."

Original poster
VodkawithRosie · 07/04/2011 13:25

that's exactly it lorra, he needs someone behind him reminding him what to do

You are right though homeboys and ILJJ, I do need to toughen up on that one. I think I am too empathetic as I have a terrible memory too, and then I think of him getting told off when I could have helped and my guilt thing goes into overdrive.

I am going to be more thorough on the checking the night before thing now I think, and actually sit with him going through the planner and putting things in methodically. He'll love that.....naaaaat (as these young'uns say). Then I will feel that I have done all I can and am beyond reproach which will hopefully make me stronger when he does forget something.

OP posts:
2gorgeousboys · 07/04/2011 13:24

Nooo!! DS1 (11 and yr 6) is just like this and I have been convincing myself for years that he will magically improve when he goes to Secondary school in September, sadly from your posts it appears he will not!

This morning I sent him upstairs to clean his teeth and 20 minutes later went up to find him admiring himself in the mirror having done nothing. I reminded him 3 times this morning to remember his guitar - get to school and cue "Muumm, I've not got my guitar!" so I had to trail back to school with it (would not have done apart from th fact I have paid for these peripatetic lessons and he WILL learn to play!)

lorra62 · 07/04/2011 13:14

This is my DS exactly, He is in Year 8. I really dont know what to do with him, He forgets things, loses things, takes ages doing things. But I have started making him pay for lost items, bus passes, planners, In fact as we speak he has lost his planner although he has been told it is at upper school, but has he been to get it? No. He constantly needs someone behind him reminding him what to do.....

IloveJudgeJudy · 07/04/2011 13:09

I agree with homeboys. You need to stop bringing his stuff in. Only that way will he learn to be responsible and take the punishment that comes with forgetting stuff. I would try and get him to get everything ready the night before, though. I would nag him to do that, but don't take stuff in that he's forgotten. It's all part of growing up. You could e-mail his form teacher to see if they've got any ideas, too. They're usually pretty helpful if you show an interest.

homeboys · 07/04/2011 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
VodkawithRosie · 07/04/2011 10:16

wallets are a great idea ginger, we only buy blazers which have an inside pocket with zip close, they are not allowed to remove their blazers so in theory this is impossible to loose. I am sure he'll find a way to test this theory very soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
VodkawithRosie · 07/04/2011 10:13

Oh you lot are fab Grin, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

My favourite is- have you got all your homework/pens/sports kit/lunch from me each night and then again each morning several times, met with a look of derision from DS.

This is swiftly followed by a text once at school - Muuuuuuuummmm!!! I've forgotten my homework/sports kit/head/way off the bus.

I am too soft to say hah! too bad boyo! and let him get in trouble and rush in whatever it is he has left behind.

I have started making him pay for things he looses though, this only had an impact when he thought he'd lost his trainers too scary (left them on the bus) and I told him he was paying if he didn't get them back, man did he pull the stops out to find them! Pens and things he just shrugs off and buys more Confused

I worry for his future living conditions, I really do. Although sometimes I see a glimpse of who he might become, when he comes food shopping he arranges things in the trolley and on the checkout very methodically, and he is super organised over his paint brushes- what does this mean?!

OP posts:
gingeroots · 07/04/2011 08:53

Oh this is very heartening - I too a have head in the clouds , " it'll be fine " DS .
We make much use of wallets ( Oyster card firmly inside ) with chains to belt loop .
Though of course that system breaks down when a different pair of trousers are worn .....

RatherBeOnThePiste · 07/04/2011 08:07

Your post made me smile scaryteacher! Sorry Blush

DS today has to trail round and find his Oyster card and pencil case today. He sort of seems to bumble his way though each day Hmm

scaryteacher · 07/04/2011 08:04

Just to cheer you up - ds lost Physics file yesterday, having found the lost trainers. Took him 20 minutes trailing round his classrooms to find the file.

This morning, he thought he'd lost the new calculator (bought yesterday), but no, he's lost his new planner bought 10 days ago! Luckily the old one turned up, so he has that. He is not impressed because I am now saying he will have to pay for what he loses.

He is not safe to be out on his own. How is he going to cope later when I'm not there to think for him at Uni?

RatherBeOnThePiste · 07/04/2011 07:59

I am so glad to read this and know we are normal!!

What I do like is that he doesn't worry about things in the same way as his 13 year old sister. His life seems more straightforward, even with the forgetting, the losing etc!

busymummy3 · 06/04/2011 23:47

This is called having a boy!! I have a DS Y7 JUST LIKE THIS (except for the RE apparently he is "exceptional" ) HAVE 2 dd's one in Y9 and one in Y3 . The DD in Y3 has her act together much more than her 12 year old brother

Original poster
VodkawithRosie · 06/04/2011 20:42

I am relieved to get some perspective on this, thanks Smile, I did think I was probably expecting too much but it's nice to hear it from others.

RL friends with DC this age have girls, so I can't really compare as I know how different my DD is.

OP posts:
grovel · 06/04/2011 12:07

I would not panic. My DS (20 - at university) is only just beginning to get his act together.

lelly88 · 06/04/2011 11:51

Don't sweat the small stuff!

Swipe left for the next trending thread