Should a 10 year old be allowed to choose?

Hello, no, I dont think she should be allowed to choose.

My ds failed the 11+ and wanted to go to the local special measures secondary. We let him look at that and a local fee paying school, hoping he'd decide the fee paying one (big difference, lush grounds, lovely building vs grotty building, no field, barbed wire...) was nicer

I let him think it was his decision until he chose special measures shit school. Then I told him we were doing what we thought best and sending him to the fee paying school. He now (2 years later) agrees we made the right choice...

It is a joint decision imo.. No parents to not always know best and I have seen many people whom still resent their parents for picking the school they were unhappy in.

My oldest was allowed to pick She preferred one school I prefeered another. Her main reason was that she had felt the other school was to large and confusing. (personally I felt that it was the other way around but it isnt my brain that has to walk around the building) the schools where of equal repuration and Offstead reports so it was down to gut instinct.

I did not take her to see the school near by that is failing so I limited her choices but once I had done that I had to trust her to pick what was the right school FOR HER.

She is now in year 8 she LOVES it my niece now lives with us and is also in the school and additionally loves it.

dd2 has just been allocated her 2ndary school (starts in Sep) she floored me by announcing she did not want to go to the school dd1 and dn are in. I had to do for her what I had doen for her sister and she was permitted to pick the right school for her. the school she has chosen is rich with music and creativity and I know dd2 will thrive there.. by pure chance this school also has a strong SENCO department something dd2 will need as she is dyslexic..

for me to have said to dd2 "you will go to the school dd1 and dn goes to" It would have devastated her. she needed to be allowed to be listend to and she needed to be a part of making a decision that will form part of her next many years.

You can limit the choices but ultimatly they need to feel that they are comfortable and that they are happy with the choices.

The ironic thing is we know now that even with sibling criteria dd2 would have had a slim chance of getting into the school dd1 is in (it is horridly oversubscribed this year one child living 1 mile from us with 2 siblings in the school didn't get in) Had we applied we would not have got into the school dd2 has now been allocated and we would have had issues.

I am a firm believer in allowing the ids choice you can limit their choices but ultimatly this is about what feels good for them.

Not an Ind vs State school debate, however we have 2 very good schools in our town and my DDs would have got into either of them as one is single sex and the other mixed, plus we live between the two.
My DDs are 2 school years apart, we visited both schools together, plus another on the other side of town for comparison we the discussed all the pros and cons of each on. Then the girls both came to their own choice independently including their reasons. They both choice the same school and are very happy there. We would have supported them with their choice.

I think you must take children's views into consideration. I have a friend whose ds was vehemently against private ed. on elitist grounds and she felt it would be wrong to send him for that reason (shough she herself had no problems with it and her other children went private) - I think I agree with that one. With my own ds there were 2 schools each good but with different strengths - we felt one would suit him better and he felt the other and after much deliberation we went with his choice (which in the end turned out to be the right one thank goodness).

If a child is wanting a school and can't really give good reasons (or even any reasons) why though, then I would attach less importance to their opinions.

I know two girls whose mum asked them what their choice was, then put her choice down on the application form.

They were so disappointed.

No, When DC1 was 10 he wanted to go to the school that handed out chocolate coins when he looked around. (It was a massive, rough school which he would have hated) He didn't want to go to the grammar school because he had heard they get loads of homework. I chose another school completely. I like that it's a faith school, he claims he's an atheist. I get a few more years of decideing what's best Mwah hahaha!

You are the parent, so you get to decide what's best for them.

No.being a parent is making choices that they don't have the maturity or life experience to make for themselves

Could she be aware of how much a private school costs and think any of that she shouldn't cost the family so much, or that if she went to the state school you could all go on great holidays/mum give up work/get a pony?

When I was 10 I was given the choice of either going to expat school for a year and then boarding school, or boarding straight away - I chose the former simply because I didn't want to leave my parents, and told them so. But they also found 2 boarding schools that would take me and gave me the choice between them. I flat-out refused to go to the first, and said I'd happily go to the second. My parents were doubtful, as school 2 had a much less good reputation and was clearly run-down. But gave in and it worked out very well for me (stellar GCSEs+A-levels etc).

What I couldn't articulate at the time was school 1 appeared really snobbish, sticklers for looking neat and tidy at all times, and I'm permanently scruffy, and the site was huge and I felt lost and scared and it appeared really impersonal, and the housemistress who claimed everyone had to eat rice pudding gave me nightmares for ages because rice pudding makes me feel sick. And the place was ugly and the uniform hideous, which rightly my parents didn't take seriously.
School 2 had pupils with their socks sliding down and didn't look like you'd get into trouble for spilling or breaking stuff, and had cosy cubicles and seemed small and friendly even with all the huge people.

I'm hugely grateful that I got to choose - I feel as long as a choice isn't incredibly bad for reasons you can explain, then a 10-year-old knows what's right for them at the time. Their needs may change but most private schools have entry at 13 as well as 11, or there's sixth form. A state school, local friends, and perhaps some supplementary tuition and activities could work out well.

I've recently been through this with my 11 year old DD re. her place for S1.

She didn't get into the ind. school we wanted, but did get into another one. She had said right from the test day that she didn't want to do to that school, we had another tour and she still didn't want to go. Like your DD she couldn't explain why, just that she didn't like it. I'm not prepared to spend a fortune forcing her to go to a school she doesn't like so we turned it down.

If she is able to give good clear reasons for her preference then it certainly deserves a discussion but the final decision is yours.

Is it worth visiting the other school? That might show her that you are taking her feelings into account even if you decide to stay with the independent school in the end.

Have you visited the state school with your dd?How does she know about it-she must have what seems to her to be a valid reason for this,you just need to find what it is.

Depends on how you feel about the state school, but I think if I felt both schools were good choices I would certainly take her preference into account. I agree she's not expressing a good case really, but her gut feeling is a valid point of reference.

Does she have an idea it would be better fr the family financially if she moved to a state school? does she feelunworthy of a private education?? Does she have moral principles which make her anti private?? In many ways it seems odd she doesnt want to stay with the bulk of her class.
Do you like the state school?? Sorry no real answers

What attracts her to this other school? DOes she know someone who goes there? Has she ever been there? Can you arrange with the school for her to go in one day and see what it's actually like? (You too)

Ask her why. Tell her if she can't come up with a reason that makes sense she will have no say in the matter but if she can you will discuss it.

Yes you should have the veto but not fair not to find out why she thinks what she does.

Maybe she is just trying to have some say in the decision. Pitting herself against you so to speak. I know my 2nd son def. used it as a control thing. The more he thought it would bother me the more likely he would have been to choose not to go. I think it has to be your decision but would make life A LOT easier if you could persuade her round to your way of thinking.

You need to find out her reasoning for her choice.

Her choice may be based on extremely valid, sensible and long-term thinking.

If her reason is - "'Cos the boys there are hot" - then this is not valid.

If she says - "'Cos my mate's sister goes there and she's told me they have the most amazing science facilities and that will help me to get the best grades to help me into my medical career" (or words to that effect) then it is very, very valid.

10 year olds can be very perceptive and make good decisions sometimes. Don't necessarily dismiss them.

is her independent school single sex? Is the state school she wants to go to joint? Might that be something to do with it?

Parental choice, I would say, unless they have a Very Good Reason for not going to your pick.

I am very glad, though, that I got into the independent school I did because my parents' first choice of state secondary was one that only one other girl in my entire year of junior school was going to. And I didn't even know her that well. Plus the school was quite a distance away (many years ago, before the catchment area thing was tightened up so much) so it's unlikely that many girls at that school would have come from my area --> no local friends.

Mind you, I would include this as a Very Good Reason:
none of her friends are going there but her arch enemy/school bully is.
I didn't have the arch enemy thing, but none of my friends went to my independent school (although there were girls there that I knew, we weren't really friends) and it was hard making new friends, especially as many of the other girls already knew each other from junior school and had their friend groups already set up.

I'd say 10 year olds should choose only if you are happy with their choice and they can express valid reasons why. If she just "likes it better", either she's having trouble explaining or she knows you will see her reasons as inconsequential (e.g. 5 minutes less walk or something).

I believe it should be the parents choice, andshe hardly puts up a great arguement for the other school. Has she ever been there? You need to know why she wants the other school.

Tough decision.

Have you pointed out the many benefits of the selective school and the impact it would have on her future. Talk to her sensibly and honestly about the consequences of her decision on her future. Maybe explaining that current friends will all be parting ways sooner or later might help. I do agree with Chippingin that 'I like it better' is not a good enough reason though. I suspect it is based on where most of her friends are going and nerves about going somewhere else. Make comparisons to college, uni or work. I asked my children if they were going to go to a crap uni. because it meant they could be with their friend who hadn't worked as hard as them at school. This helped them to realise that they would only be cheating themselves.

My children all got into selective schools and wanted to decide for themselves whether to accept the place. It nearly broke my heart thinking they could throw it all away, but my parents sent me to a school I didn't want to attend and I hated the rest of my time at school because of it. Eventually my children did all decide to go to the selective school, I think they just wanted the power of deciding for themselves.

Good luck, I hope your daughter decides what you would like for her is best.