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Original poster

Bereavement in schools - help!!

146 replies

missdisorganised1 · 09/01/2011 08:30

It has been 11 months since my Mum and Dad were killed. My Nan and Granddad looked after me after the accident until I was 18 but since I was 18 (October last year) I have been living in the family home on my own.

The school staff know all this so why do I still get some school letters addressed to my Mum and Dad. The last one only this last Friday. I?ve tried ignoring it, mentioning it to the Head of the Sixth Form and I even wrote to the Chair of Governors (who wrote back to my parents rather than me which was a "nice" touch)

I am just getting so stressed by this and need to vent somewhere. Sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 14/03/2011 08:09

It seems such a long time since I posted here. My house-mate lasted three weeks before telling me that she would be working away during the week for the next few months to cover a maternity leave. This removed part of the reason for having her share the house with me.Confused

So I am back to living in the family house on my own and battling to keep up with school work as the pressure of the exams approaching goes up.

OP posts:
Loshad · 19/02/2011 19:35

oh missdisorganised - you are doing so well. It is hard being isolated in a group - in one of my biology As groups i have a lad who lost his mum so is resitting (ie a y13) and he oftern seems quite isolated despite them being an ok bunch.
Be really really kind to yourself, keep beavering away at your A2's and very best of luck with your preferred uni application.
good news on the clothes front at least Wink

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 19/02/2011 09:22

I have had my new house mate living here for a week and so far it is working out OK.
She seems to cope with her grief better than me, her husband was killed in December 2009, but she seems able to focus on the good memories. Perhaps being 23 makes her more sensible? I had a very weepy day on Wednesday and even had to retreat to the far end of the school site to hide for a bit.

At school there are still a few minor ?issues?. Tutor groups are a mix of year 12 and year 13 students and just by chance most of my group are in year 12. I am in year 13 and so I don?t know them as friends and that makes me feel rather isolated. It is half term coming up next week but the school is offering extra lessons on Monday and Tuesday so I will go in then.

I asked the family members who help me look after my money for extra money for new clothes for school and they gave me a decent chunk to at least I will not get into more trouble for not wearing ?smart business attire?.

The last news in that my Head Teacher has spoken to the Admissions Officer at my first choice university and I am now on his radar as a special case if my grades slip a bit.

OP posts:
mmsmum · 11/02/2011 20:12

Regarding who to see about a letter to uni's, ask the person who will be doing your reference for you. If you don't know I guess you'll need to ask someone, a favourite teacher perhaps?

mmsmum · 11/02/2011 20:09

I am shocked, saddened and deeply disgusted that you are getting letters addressed to your parents.

I am in my 30's and still get upset if I get a letter for my Dad who passed away over a year ago!

I like the idea of having a lodger so you will not be alone and might have some support. Also, speak to your Aunt and Unless to request a lump sum or an increase in your allowance - don't forget it's your money, they just want to make sure you don't go daft and waste it. If the school insist on writing to someone have them write to your Aunt/Uncle so you don't have to deal with it.

I am so pleased for you that you have managed to stay in education and not only that but you are doing so well at it. I fell apart at my age, who knows what I would have been like at 18. I think your parents must have an incredibly good job raising their daugther :)

bossboggle · 10/02/2011 19:07

Short of wanting to punch out the tutors lights I hope you have the sense to stand up to this person and politely say that you don't like what they are doing, it's a total insult to you and would they seriously mind refraining from saying it to you!! Nasty way or not it should not be done at all - how insensitive can one person be for G*' sake!! Things like that can make me so angry so lord knows what it is doing to you!!

bossboggle · 10/02/2011 19:00

Sweetheart my heart goes out to you. Congratulations on your physics stuff! Keep talking to us mums hope there are enough of us out in this world to give you some advice! Don't know you but I want to give you a virtual cuddle!! Bet a few other mums do too!! Keep strong young lady - you've had to be strong I am sure that if your parents are looking down on you they would be so very very proud of their amazing daughter!! :)

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 08/02/2011 09:31

How can I stop my form tutor from calling me an orphan? I know I am and don't need to be reminded. It is not done in a nasty way but why say it at all?

Who should I see about asking if the school can write to my first choice university explaining the circumstances under which I have been living and studying since Mum and Dad were killed. I am worried about getting the grades (points) I need with so many non-academic things I need to be doing. (Unlike most year 12 students!)

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Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 02/02/2011 08:04

Monday went much as I expected. Assorted friends and family came to the different parts of the day but all four Grandparents plus my Aunt and Uncle were there for everything. My Aunt and my closest friend from school were great and concentrated on seeing that I was OK while the Grandparents had their own ?who can be the most openly sad? competition.

I had two versions of the letter to Mum and Dad that I buried with the bushes I planted in the garden. The version I read out didn?t include the all bits that would have told people how angry and cheated I?m feeling about all that has happened. Only my Aunt knows the whole story.

Yesterday was very strange. I went back to school and my life goes on. Luckily it isn?t long until I have my new house sharer or lodger moving in.

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Solodad · 30/01/2011 19:54

Missdisorganised1,
I am glad you have organised something to do tomorrow to remember your Mum and Dad on the anniversary. I am a widower, so not the same situation, but I found the run up to the 1st anniversary worse than the actual day in the end.

I think it is a nice touch that you are planting shrubs and placing copies of letters in the holes to.

Hope the day goes OK, Take care

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 30/01/2011 10:53

I am as ready for the anniversary tomorrow as I can be. Sad

I have got two small shrubs from a garden centre and I have dug holes half way down the garden for them to be planted in tomorrow. I have written a letter to Mum and Dad and I have got two tiny plastic boxes for copies of the letters to go in. The boxes and letters will go into the holes as well.

The smart business clothes problem at school happened because I was just too busy and stressed to do a wash and an iron and so I ran out of things to wear that met the school guidlines.

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Hulababy · 26/01/2011 17:21

Just wanted to add a message of good luck. You appear to be getting lots of good advice here and at school, so well done on acting on it.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 26/01/2011 16:47

I am hoping to do Forensic and Applied Biology BSc (Hons)

I think I have found a lodger to share the house with me. We met up for the second time yesterday, she is 23 and is a widow. She lost her husband in a motor bike accident in Decemner 2009. She seems very sensible and nice so I think it will workout for both of us.

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CrosswordAddict · 22/01/2011 18:27

Your plan sounds very sensible. What are you hoping to study at uni?

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 22/01/2011 16:19

If I get the grades (points) I am hoping to go to the university in the nearby town to where I live as it is just the course I want to do. I know that not living on campus is not ideal but staying in my own home seems cheaper.

I don't get the first half of Mum and Dads estate until I am 21 so money is in short supply and I cannot afford a hectic student social life.Hmm

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PigTail · 22/01/2011 16:10

OMG, missdisorganised1, you are AMAZING! And your name doesn't suite you, BTW! I'm glad you saw sense and didn't take that lodger.

AS you are talking of a lodger, I was just wondering about your long term plans? Do you plan to move away to Uni? If so what will be the deal with the lodger? Will she stay on in the house?

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 22/01/2011 16:01

Talkinpeace.
None of my A2 lessons start until 10:00. The boys have registration at their own school then come across town to my school for their physics or chemistry lessons. So sciences never start before lesson 2 in the morning.

I am doing A2's in biology, chemistry and physics.

Extra leeway? Not really. I can opt out of the year 12/13 equivalent of PHSE and I get extra time to pay for trips and the like. No academic leeway. I am allowed to bring a car on site to cut travel and shopping time down on the way home.

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Lonnie · 21/01/2011 21:43

Not that unusual a time table Talkin my 16 year old niece lives with me and twice a week she hasnt got any lessons until 11 am

Talkinpeace · 21/01/2011 21:30

What course was the physics test linked to?
Your timetable is unusual that you often post at just after 9am.
Are school giving you extra leeway?

thomasbodley · 21/01/2011 21:20

I've just read this thread. You sound like an amazing kid. And I'm so impressed that you're managing to get top results whilst dealing with all this pain.

You're doing the right thing being choosey about lodgers; wait until you find someone you're really happy to be with. Flatsharing is stressful even without the burden of grief.

If you want legal help with lodgers (eg a contract), get in touch with Shelter (the housing charity) and ask them to talk you through a 'Licence of Occupation'. (They are brilliant on all housing issues, not just homelessness).

Will you keep posting on here so we'll know to look out for you? xx

JooliaGoolia · 20/01/2011 11:32

Hi Missdisorganised,

I've literally just this moment joined this site and was drawn to your messages. WoW! What an amazing person you are already!

I understand that you've had a exceptionally hard time and although you've clearly been given lots of great advice, I wondered if you have a reliable person who is sharing with you the life you are experiencing. My nephew's mum (my sister) died when he was 6 years old and the one thing he needed was to be 'parented' not just 'helped'. You've had a lot of adult life thrown at you, but you must remember to stop at regular intervals, take time to reflect on the journey you've made and see how far you've come. You will be very proud of yourself - and rightfully so!

I hope that yesterday was a good, today better.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 19/01/2011 09:46

Thanks to a local support group and the school I have made a bit of progress about getting a lodger.

Yesterday I did meet up with a girl who is in a fairly similar situation to me. The trouble is that I really didn?t like her very much, something just felt wrong and I think if she became my lodger it would add to the stress in my life. It sounds mean but I don?t think 2 way support was part of her master plan. She is nearly 20 and lives about 4 miles away. She relies on public transport (she has a car but hasn?t passed her test) to get to work and I think (know) she would expect me to ferry her around. Nan who was there with me thought the same. I took her back to the bus station in my car and waited with her until her bus arrived. So not that one, not as a lodger anyway. But there is one other who I have only spoken to on the phone. She is a young widow but seems sensible and nice and we are going to meet on Thursday..

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anewyear · 15/01/2011 14:53

Hi, I think us adults some times forget what its like to 18 and starting out in the world, let alone without your parents.

Your Aunt and Uncle you say are your trustees, are you close to them? can you tell them how your feeling at the moment so you've got a bit more support?
You could be holding it together to well, IYSWIM, and they just dont realise.
My neice is 14, 4 years younger than you and I would hate to think that if she was ever in your position, that she couldnt talk to me.. It would break my heart.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 14/01/2011 18:41

School was OK. The lady from the front office who had seemed so cruel found me to say sorry.

Coming back again to an empty house was not OK. I hope I can get a lodger or similar sorted out soon.

I am just so tired of feeling so unhappy all the *** time! Not sleeping very well, not eating very well and Granddad is not very well. So crap really.

But I will battle on with help from people here, at school and in the family because that's just what has to be done. Angry Sad

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tigerlion1 · 13/01/2011 20:38

I've just read your thread and wanted to say what an amazing and inspiring young woman you seem. You're dealing with a dreadfully difficult situation in a way many adults wouldn't be able to.

Wishing you every happiness for the future xx