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Original poster

Son is having a crap time at secondary

34 replies

Kushanku · 30/09/2010 08:42

My son started secondary at the beginning of October. He only knew 3 other kids from his primary and only one of them he actually got on with. Anyway, almost a month in and he has no friends. Even worse, because of his awkward social skills, he's become known as a wierdo and is often called a creep. The other kids avoid him, sometimes laugh at him but never want anything to do with him. He spends every lunch time and break just wandering around on his own. I mentioned it to his form tutor last week and she said its still early and he will eventually settle in and find like-minded friends but I don't think he will. She suggested joining clubs etc, he has - he's joined a writing club, a film club, the gym, took up drums in a small percussion group but still nobody wants anything to do with him.
Last night he came home caked in mud, turns out his "friend" from primary has now turned against him (now that he's made other friends) and pushed him over into the mud causing a huge group of kids to crease over laughing at him.
I feel so sorry for him, I looked on his phone last night and he's tried to contact his old primary school friends about meeting up but they're not replying anymore, they've all made new friends at their secondary schools. He must feel so lonely.

He's never asked to stop off school though and still insists he loves the school and is there to learn (he's very academic) not to make friends but surely its not healthy when the only friends you have are people online that you've never actually met??? He tells me he doesn't want to make friends with anyone at the school because he doesn't like anyone.His social skills are poor, he's very stubborn and won't go out of his way to make friends.

What do I do??? 5 years is a long time to go with no friends.

OP posts:
3plusbump · 30/09/2010 10:23

If it was just a case of him not having made any friends yet, I would agree with the tutor - it's 'early days' but calling names, laughing at him, pushing him over in the mud are all bullying in my book :(

If I were you, I would contact the school, speak to the tutor and get them to stamp on the bullying straight away before it gets any more out of hand.

As far as making friends - It's not easy but he's going along the right lines by joining clubs etc.
Is the library open at lunchtimes? A friend of mine is a librarian at a secondary school and she says that some of the children (like your son) who have not found their niche yet, come and read, play on the computer and do homework in a safe place and often, just by being there every day, end up making like-minded friends (and even if they don't, at least they are in a safe, supervised environment...)

Does he know anyone well enough to invite them home afterschool? Or could he ask someone to come along to a swim / bikeride / cimema or something at the weekend?

Good luck - it must be horrible for you - you feel every knock for them don't you?

Butterbur · 30/09/2010 10:08

Both my sons took well over a term to really start making new friends.

DS2 sounds very like your son, although he is a loner by nature, and doesn't need other boys very much, preferring his own inner life. In the end his complete disregard for name-calling won through, and he was soon left alone. (Not to say that you shouldn't speak to the school about it though.)

I also spoke to his form tutor, who liaised with other teachers in getting him doing pair work in classes with other similar boys. He is still a severe introvert, but he is comfortable in his peer group at school.

cory · 30/09/2010 10:03

Yes, but what if the size and strenght is on the side of your opponent? I did not have a gentle nature but my bully was simply far bigger than me. Often it's the little ones they pick on.

Fortunately, my dcs have not suffered much bullying, but my ds kept being knocked down by a boy who was much bigger and stronger. Tbh virtually any boy in the school was bigger and stronger than ds. But the school was on the ball and the behaviour was stopped.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 30/09/2010 09:39

Yes, that can backfire, I must admit. The times it's worked for mine have been with individual tormentors, using size and strength but having to overcome a gentle, non-combative nature.

cory · 30/09/2010 09:36

The only thing with the fighting back is, if he is not strong enough to dominate the whole group, they are just likely to hit him harder. I tried this one when I was at school and I was not stronger than my aggressors...Sad

WhatsWrongWithYou · 30/09/2010 09:28

I think I'd start going down the route of moving him; he's only got one childhood and sometimes its just a matter of the peer group a child is in.

Obviously go down the official route and kick up as much fuss as you can (schools do sometimes try and push these things under the carpet), and it may still work out.

I hope it does - I hate hearing stories like this.

And it's true what Custardo said - if he can fight back in some way they'll either move on to someone else or respect him for it.

Sports are always useful for this - rugby I think gets kids used to rough and tumble and makes them less physically fearful. You don't even have to be particularly skilful to play it. Just a thought.

< Stops self from banging on about DS1 and 2's rugby experiences >

cory · 30/09/2010 09:19

I think this sounds like more than settling in: if they are calling him a creep and pushing him into the mud, then that is active bullying. He needs to speak to the head of the year and the school needs to do something about it. This needs to be sorted first! Regardless of his social skills or lack thereof, it will be very difficult for him to fit him and make friends if the other students only ever see him as the punchbag of the bullies.

MentalFloss · 30/09/2010 09:01

It does take a good half term for friendships to settle down at secondary school at least.

It may all work out and he finds some new friends who are a bit nicer than his primary school friends!

The first few weeks are just about everyone wanting to fit in - your son does sound very mature about this.

Does he/you know anyone well in any older years because that often helps with integrating into school life?

At our school they have a peer mentor scheme which is when older pupils are matched with a year 7 pupil to help them settle in, introduce them to other people etc. Could you enquire about something like this?

I hope this does work out for you and your DS.

Tortington · 30/09/2010 08:46

can he change school?

can he kick anyones ass?

ass kickers always have friends.

clubs outside school?