Son is having a crap time at secondary

MrsFlittersnoop - my DS isn't remotely macho or sporty. Hope he would be OK - sounds like maybe it's not the right school after all . Damn - really liked it and really didn't fall for Ralph Allen at all (seemed very down at heel and very uninspiring to me).

OP is there anything he could do out of school that would expose him to some school boys in smaller quantities in a controlled environment? Scouts might be quite good as they are put in snall groups, monitored and get to let their hair down doing stuff that sometimes will appeal to an academic child (the more theoretical badges etc). If you could get other children to see his intelligence and geekyness as an asset, you are half way there.

Nothing useful to add, but sympathies: it's so hard to watch your child being unhappy. I hope there's resolution soon.

Quirky /nerdy boys stick together unless they are very very total loners but some schools don't have any. Are there any in his class? In some schools there will be some in every class but it doesn't sound like he's found any like minded boys yet and may be wants friends. Not everyone wants or needs friends though so don't assume he does. If no one is academic in a school it's hard if you aer which in some cases is why parents move children to a school where there are at least some children interested in academic work.

Mudandmayhem, yes it was BC, but I can assure you it was dealt with very swiftly and at the highest level. No repurcussions. ALL the other kids knew to give the perpetrator a wide berth. DS was new, and had no idea this kid was a bit of a nutter .

BS is all boys, with a v. sporty ethos (which is hell for DS, but he's been let off PE indefinately) so you can't expect anything other than a rather macho environment, but there are enough geeky kids there to make a difference.

Compared to DS's urban multicultural London school, BC is like a massage parlour. The vast majority of the kids at BC are OK. Academic kids can thrive.

The only local alternative would be Ralph Allen, which is co-ed and v. well regarded. Don't be under any illusion that girls are less unpleasant than boys though...(girl's grammar school survivor here...).

Hi there ...so sorry to hear your DD is going through this...has he been considered for gifted and talented?

I went through a similar thing in high school...thought everyone was a fool and spent long terms wandering and hiding at lunch breaks.

By the 3rd year I DID find a friend though...she had been partof a group who picked on her all the time and eventually she got the nerve to dump them and we are still friends today. Your son could find some friends eventually...though this is hard for you both to live with...it's stll very early days.

I know others have said he same thing but a drama group really might help...it helped me.

I hope things get better.

Really sorry OP to ask MrsMrsFlittersnoop these questions on your thread .

MrsFlittersnoop hoping to be local and looked around Beechen Cliff recently. Was the 'squared up to the wrong people a couple of times and got quite badly hurt' also Beechen Cliff - [worrying about my poor PFB!].

'The Outcasts' sound a great bunch of people. My son is bright and a little bit quirky - so would probably be proud to be a member!

Kushanku yr post made me cry for yr poor DS.

Does he do anything outside school which would help with mates? Scouts? karate? Junior Wardens? Band?

Is he sporty? IME sporty kids are often popular - football, rugby?

Could he come up with some games to play/things to talk about that are popular eg latest computer game/Lego range etc?

This sounds familiar here too (DS1). Particularly the stuff about confidence with adults and total confusion when faced with 'normal' teen behaviour. We dealt with the proto-bullying via the form tutor and the SENCO - but the latter were more useful. His initial reaction to the bag-nicking, pushing-type behaviour was to say "Please stop that, I really don't like it", which confused the tormentors and they got bored with picking on him very quickly. In class they've given him a discrete red card & when it gets too chaotic (which it shouldn't but it does) he can show his card and leave the room for the learning support unit or the library. He's said that his old friends from primary aren't really very interested in him any more, which was hard for any Mum to hear, but makes him a bit sad but weirdly doesn't seem that important to him. DH only had one really good friend at school (who's now DS2's godfather) and thinking back, I spent all my time in the music department so I didn't have to bother with all that socialising stuff. Wish we'd both had The Outcasts, though.

I love The Outcasts. Good on them. Bet they end up with stronger friendships, having more fun and more interesting lives than the Cool Kids.

That's a great story Mrs F

Entirely agree with bigTillyMint.

Moving to a new school was the most stressful experience of DS's life . He had a small bunch of mates dating back to infant school who went to secondary school with him. They were entirely accustomed to his "differences" and he always had people to hang out with.

Come the new school in Year 9 - total disaster. But the stress meant his Aspie tendencies were VERY apparent to an experienced SENCO. He had a few classroom meltdowns after being teased (in a friendly, joshing lad way) and being unable to read social situations, squared up to the wrong people a couple of times and got quite badly hurt.

It would be far better for Kushanku's DS to remain in a familiar environment, even though he's not very happy there at present. Hopefully, with the right support, he will be accepted by the other kids and find his niche .

Last term, DS was invited to hang out with a bunch of very bright, quirky and amusing boys who call themselves "The Outcasts" and are proud of being the Most Uncool in School. They have restored my faith in (teenage) human behaviour .

If he has got Aspergers traits, then moving school will not help.

I suggest you alert the school to his difficulties and arrange a meeting to work out what they cam do to support him.

You might have to be very assertive with the school to get what he needs.

Orm, if you have concerns about your DS, have you considered taking him to BIBIC for an assessment, given they are on your doorstep?

I took DS there earlier this year, and he is going back with DH in a couple of weeks for a 2 day re-assessment session.

They don't perform assessments for Aspergers as such, but do a whole range of tests which highlight a child's strengths and weaknesses and build ip a clear picture of where a child might fit on the spectrum (apologies if you already know about BIBIC ).

The school found DS's BIBIC assessment report extremely helpful - for example, the tests showed that he is very poor at processing verbal instructions but has a very high level of verbal literacy.

The assessments take place over 2 days and only cost £50. The atmosphere is lovely and stress-free and they have great play facilities for the kids. You can just ring them up and book a place.

Hi Mudandmayhem! Yup - Beechen Cliff.

Sadly, the lovely SENCO (who had been there for 17 years) has now left the school. I met the new SENCO yesterday for (yet another ) long chat about DS and she seems very nice and totally clued up.

Are you local?

I agree that it does sound bullying. What is the culture of the school? Does it have a rough & ready type culture? Would somewhere smaller and quieter be better?

MrsFlittersnoop I have read your other posts. Do you mind me asking - was it Beechen Cliff that got SENCO involved? I am impressed if so.

Blimey Kushanku, he sounds like one of mine. I even did a test on him at home to see if he could read my facial expressions, and he could, easily. But he just doesn't care that he's different. he too joins every club going because it's more interesting than hanging out with the cool kids. he does want friends, but on his terms not theirs. That said, when you look at your list of "rules" I can't help feeling, good on him, long term. Who wants to be the a** who puts on a huge pretence just to be in with the in crowd.

One thingthat might help is joining a drama group. All that improv and all those trust exercises just break down barriers like no other activity can. When I was a teen, I went to one and all the geeky misfits who came along just found their niches by being funny or quirky. They were happy to be cast as the elderly king/priest or ended up directing and writing the shows. It was such a warm, inclusive place. I don't think anyone was ever bullied or rejected and it was full of kids whose school lives were hell. Places like that can keep you going when school is hard. I didn't have a strong friendship group at school so buried myself in work. As a result I got into a top uni and still had all the lovely friends from the drama club. I had a fantastic time as a teenager but school hardly figured in that at all.

Ah kushanku. He sounds suspiciously like my youngest DS who is 7. I have my concerns too.

Glad he got an apology. But I would still speak to his tutor to let him know what happened and to keep an eye out.

Poor lsad I think the tutor needs to respond a little more than 'it's early days'. Active bullying is not on at any stage.

Kushanku, I could have written an identical post 3 years ago when DS started Year 7. We soldiered on for 2 more years, with escalating bullying and very little support from the school.

My DS is also academically able but has poor social skills.

He started a new school in year 9 after we moved to a new city, and within 2 weeks of him starting there, I was called in by the SENCO to discuss her concerns.

He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome earlier this year. He was unable to "make an effort" to mix with other children successfully because he literally did not understand the rules within his peer group, (he is fine with adults) he cannot pick up on non-verbal cues and facial expressions, and has no desire to fit in with people he despises.

He has received a huge amount of support from his school, including social and communications skills training.

Please make an appointment to see the school as soon as possible about the bullying and arrange to see the SENCO about getting him support with his social skills in school. It does take a while for kids to settle, but the bullying and exclusion you describe is not normal and is totally unnacceptable.

oops

www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285855005&sr=1-2

I strongly recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285855005&sr=1-2 it sounds like he needs some help with his social skills.

It sounds like he has been making the effort, joining clubs and all (bless him), but frankly I'd hold back now, as an adult, if I was being made the butt of everyone's jokes.

How do you suggest he makes an effort? Joins in the laughing when they knock him over?

If he won't go out of his way to make friends
changing schools won't make much difference-he still won't make the effort to make friends in the new school.
I agree that you need to speak to the school about name calling etc as that's not on, and the school should come down heavily on the other boys.
They may be able to help him with transition.
BBut he has to make an effort too.

I'm not disagreeing with you, Cory. It worked for my DS because he was bigger than his tormentors, although he didn't have an aggressive bone in his body. He still doesn't, but he doesn't take nonsense either.

I suppose the OP's son would be weighing up the likelihood of this strategy working for himself, but giving him permission to deal with bullies physically might be useful, as I think some kids hold back because they're not aggressive themselves.

I know this is a contentious view, btw.