Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

At my wit's end with bullying and son's school problems

30 replies

severena · 28/08/2010 19:06

Sorry, this is a right old saga.

I am a long-term poster who has name changed and may change details to avoid being recognised.

my son goes into Yr8 next week. And I am feeling sick and anxious on his behalf already.
He had a rocky start to school after failing to get a place at any of the schools his friends went to. He was reasonably popular at primary. he is very sure of his own sense of being.
Anyway, 99 per cent of the other kids in Yr7 came with a bihg possee of kids who went to their primary school.
ds is a little quirky, very funny, very bright but has a few learning difficulties. Outside of school he makes friends pretty quickly and has some very long-standing friends.
But at secondary, he doesn't seem to have clicked with the herd. he has maybe 3 friends. He claims all the other kids hate hime. they call him a gay prick, because he has long hair. He says there is a private FB page for the Yr 7s called something along the lines of ''Our class rocks (except for X)'' :(
He says that he tries to keep himself to himself but he is followed round and jeered at and tormented. I have seen kids jeer at him in town.
he says he will not change his appearance in order to be popular. He says if it wasn't his appearance, it would be his taste in music (which is different to the herd) or something else.

I have just overheard him talking to his best mate (Who isn't at this school) and I just want to cry. His mate cannot understand why anyone would hate him. His mate is Mr Popularity at his school.

My son told his friend there was no point in telling anyone at school what is happeneing as, and I quote: ''what will they do? Call an assembly, talk about bullying and nothing will change. If it was one or two kids, they might get into trouble, but it is the whole school. Everyone hates me''

He has had a terrible year at school, becoming more and more demoralised and alienating himself from teachers, who now think he is surly and unco-operative.

I have obviously tried to talk to him, and made it clear that our house is open to anyone he wants to bring home for food/hang out etc...

I have even asked him to call childline, but he says talking about it makes him feel worse. he says there is one teacher who he might feel ok talking to at school, but he wouldn't talk to him, because he says it will make things far far worse.

what the hell do I do?

I can't change schools as the other schools are all selective, except for one, which is over subscribed and we are not in catchment for (though the catchment changes yearly)

And I can't home ed, as we can barely afford to make ends meet with both of us working.

I have another child who goes into yr 5 next week, who is also a bit quirky, and I cannt bear the thought of hime going through all this shit in 2 years time.

Please, please someone tell me what I can do?
I can't change my son's personality, can I?

OP posts:
DinahRod · 28/08/2010 19:42

Mittz that's really proactive and hope they were ashamed. Did you get any come back from parents, or even the school, for approaching those who bullied ds?

bellavita · 28/08/2010 19:39

severena,

I would ask to see the Form Tutor and Head of Year together so you can get this sorted. Ring them up when the term starts and ask for an appointment.

I am sorry you and DS are going through this.

mittz · 28/08/2010 19:35

Ok, this is what I did in very similar circumstance. I approached every single child with DS as company to their homes (as it was mostly in the village). I asked each child to explain what they had against DS, if he had done something that had perhaps caused offence and got DS to explain what the child had done or said.

I told each child that they were going to leave DS alone, I didn't expect them to like him but there was no excuse for bullying him and made sure the parents were aware. I said that any further incidents were going to be reported to the police.

I approached the school and kept them informed of incidents out of school as it impacts on DS's esteem to be at school with people that were bullying. The school were made aware of my intention to go to the police.

When an incident occurred eventually, of a sexual nature, aided by one of DS's mates. I informed the police and the lad is being charged.

I looked each 'child' dead in the eye when I talked to them and said that DS was not their 'whipping' boy or punch bag. I also stated that there was no point in tormenting DS about me dealing with them.

DS had issues with me going in to schools and being 'seen' so I talked to them on the phone and also had their assurances that NO action would be taken unless I and DS were aware, so he wasn't caught unawares.

If he is on facebook and something comes up, I print it off, reply to the individual that I have done so and that I would be approaching the police if DS was subjected to further abuse.

It has taken the best part of a year, it hasn't all gone away, but the biggest % of it has.

I have climbed a steep personal learning curve and have come very close to throwing up sometimes. The school has an absolute responsibility to your DS. They need to be very aware of what is going on. Document it lovey, this sounds like it is escalating into something that will have a long term impact on your fabulous DS.

Big respect to him for recognising he shouldn't have to change. Mittz xx (( ))

Original poster
severena · 28/08/2010 19:33

Tabliope - I'm so sorry to hear your experiences. I wouldn't wish the last year we had on anyone :(

He says the whole school hates him, including most of the teachers, so not as simple as going in and saying ''A, B and C are vile to him, please keep an eye on things''

OP posts:
Tabliope · 28/08/2010 19:16

I really feel for you. Went through the same with my son in Yr7 and took him out in the last couple of months of that year. He'd be going into Yr8 now but he's being home educated which I have mixed feelings about. I wish I could offer you some advice. All I can say is go into the school and speak to the head of year and explain why he's being surly and uncooperative as you say. Ask them what they are doing about it. Could they move the ones causing him trouble out of his class? Are there any particular times it happens that can be avoided somehow? Perhaps after the summer break things will have settled down so maybe give it a go. If it doesn't work out and you've tackled all angles with the school could you get your MP involved, maybe see if he can get a transfer to the school where his primary friends are? He sounds great in that he refuses to change his personality for them, my son is the same. Wishing you the best of luck.