A few months ago my partner (also female) completely blindsided me and ended our relationship out of nowhere. We have 2 young children age 4 and nearly 2 who I carried through IVF. Looking back I can see a lot of elements of emotional abuse / control but I did not know at all that this was going to happen, we were together for over 7 years and had never broken up or discussed breaking up previously. I thought we were at least all in this fully committed for the kids, we were planning to relocate to be nearer our families for a better support network/ quality of life / to more time for us. Every time we did get the time for us it was great, I believed our life stress was all circumstantial around lack of a village. She said she ‘doesn’t feel the same way (about me) any more’ and needs to ‘live her life’, she feels trapped by the children but she was the driving force in having them and she had a really full life in the many years before having children in her late 30s. She also hasn’t sacrificed her life as I have and still has her career and friendships in tact. So I don’t really get what the point of doing this was, but I’m trying to accept it has happened even though the grief seems insurmountable. She was my best friend and my person and my team mate in parenting, the only one who understood the unique profile of our daughters needs. I always justified her questionable controlling qualities and somehow keeping her comfortable was worth the commitment and family I had.
From the evening of the break up it was like a light switch to completely cold and indifferent. She does not appear to have any feelings whatsoever about me and has shown no doubt, empathy or concern at any point in the last 3 months when I have been going through hell trying to process and recover while also full time parenting. She is now accusing me of causing the whole issue because I did not react well enough to the break up and saying Its unfair I am bringing the kids into it just because she doesn’t want to be with me. She says I am making it all up, that it never happened, that she actually treats me well, that it isn’t a big deal she broke up with me, that I’m mentally unstable, that I can’t keep the kids safe (I have for 5 years). She uses every single thing I say and all my vulnerabilities against me. She’s never been great at emotional support but this feels like pure contempt and I am constantly having to remind myself that I haven’t actually done anything wrong. I am pretty sure she is a narcissist or at least an overwhelmed avoidant? She has never liked any of my friends or family (and vice versa) and they have said similarly many times over the years.
She is adamant that I stay being the stay at home parent, still live with her in our house, facilitate her working full time in her fancy career and going out in the evenings. She does say I can go out sometimes in the evenings but doesn't see how our lives are still unequal. She says she will still financially support us but always uses money against me (saying she is the cash cow bank rolling us etc even though I send her everything I get which is more than my half). I am trying to split finances as I currently just transfer her everything I get from my part time job and family and disability allowance but she’s just saying no I’m trying to screw her over financially, that I couldn’t cope without her, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t earn enough, she pays for everything etc. I can’t currently get benefits or funding for childcare because we live together and I don’t work enough hours because I care for my eldest , but my ex says she can’t afford to pay for it.
She is now adamant that she will not be moving or changing her job so we have to stay here. There is nothing for the children where we live in terms of SEN groups, special schools, home education groups, there is very little infrastructure in regard to shops and facilities. I feel completely trapped and we can't afford to move anywhere else around where we live, and now she has made the environment impossible for us to coparent in but then says it's on me if I try to move without her. She is not cooperative in anything I am trying to do to help progress the children and is dismissing/invalidating any concerns I raise about them to the point where I can’t even message her during the (long) days I have with the kids because her response is that I’m making up any difficulties to manipulate her into not going out socially, or that the kids are only distressed because I am not ok, that I’m traumatising them and that they are absolutely fine with her. It’s very lonely and daunting to carry so much more of the parenting load now completely alone.
I don't feel emotionally safe with her at all, I feel very uneasy about whether I know her at all and if I can trust her in any way. She is using all of my weaknesses against me and my mental health against my parenting etc but then blocking the things I try to do to help myself. I am very worried about what she is going to do next and how I will be able to co parent with her when she really doesn't see me as an equal in any way. She is only nice to me when I am saying or doing things that she agrees with and then if I don't she turns on me and shuts me down. She keeps making unilateral decisions that affect me and the kids without warning or asking what I think first. I genuinely don't know what to do. She is making me question my whole self and whole reality.
I am trying to act in the children's best interests, my ex isn’t a bad parent (albeit quite lazy and unboundaried) and the kids love her but because prioritising them doesn't align with the reasons she did this, she doesn’t really have much motivation to even attempt to follow anything I am trying to implement to progress them around their development and sleep.
She is adamant that I can't take the children away from her, which of course I don't want to, but I don't know what to do instead. I want more of her parenting not less. Their needs are so high and different from one another. I’m angry that she has destroyed the trust between us when I know this could have been better if she has gone about this more considerately. Im devastated that literally a few months as we had a plan and I saw solid glimmers of hope for the future. As it stands my mental health is becoming more and more affected by her continuing gaslighting and cruel comments but the kids are such high needs and at the moment they both need an adult with them overnight which is problematic. It often takes a long time to get them to sleep and they can’t be in the same room as each other while this is happening or they just get riled up again and don’t settle.
I am trying to split finances as I currently just transfer her everything I get from my part time job and family and disability allowance but she’s just saying no I’m trying to screw her over financially, I couldn’t cope without her, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t earn enough, she pays for everything etc. I can’t currently get benefits or funding for childcare because we live together and I don’t work enough hours because I care for my eldest , but my ex says she can’t afford to pay for it.
Possible options I can think of :
- I could relocate nearer to our families anyway to get more support but it is terrifying to move alone and live in a totally new area that I don’t know anything about, and how I will cope alone mentally and practically with the 2 children and their differing needs. I think the younger one should go into childcare regardless for this reason. My exes family have completely disowned me now but do still love the children. I we were originally planning to move nearer to them but now I am thinking that my family (less than 1 hour away) would be more useful. I do hope that my ex would come to visit / have the children at weekends either at my house (I would leave) or her families nearby. I am debating in with my mum as my ex’s family seem to have This would be 3.5 hours from our current home.
- The other option is I stay in the area where I am and try to get alternative accommodation somehow (I have money in our current house but not enough to buy in this area alone and I couldn’t get a mortgage) but then I would have the familiar environment and some consistency still, a few friends but no family help etc. maybe I could get benefits. Ex would have the best of all worlds I imagine so maybe would agree…
- we stay in the current home we own but somehow split the days we are there so she is there part of the week parenting while I stay elsewhere and then vice versa. I don’t know how that would work if she is refusing to reduce her hours at work and she often leaves at 7am so realistically I couldn’t be back to takeover before then.