Is divorce common once the last child leaves home (for uni)?

I’d prefer for my children to see their parents apart but happy rather than together and not modelling what a happy, healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

In an ideal world we all want our kids to be happy and protected from the shitty aspects of life. But reality is very different to an ideal version of it isn’t it. Many ppl are tied for financial reasons and leaving would entail a much poorer lifestyle which includes a smaller home in a potentially undesirable area, and I’m not talking about an un-naice area - but a council flat or estate where children have to be accompanied by adults due to gangs or crime and it is not only frightening but un-safe for them. There’s also the massive fact of potentially only seeing your child for 50% of the time and having no say in future partners or family dynamics of your ex which will directly affect your child/ren.

So unfortunately it’s not as easy and clean-cut as simply calling it quits and then happily living apart to model how happy adults SHOULD live. You have to deal with the best scenario you can at the time and deal with a lifetime of guilt afterwards as inevitably you will be judged years down the road for making the wrong decision.

As someone who has had to deal with the fallout from this all too often, yes it is quite common.

In my opinion it’s a shitty thing to do.

I don't know about it being a bad example to set to children. If the marriage is pleasant enough and no one is miserable or abusive maybe it is saying to children that rearing children is something they committed to together and they stuck with that commitment until the children were launched.

I'm in the US and I know several couples who did this (including 2 couples where they split and he came out as gay) and have several friends whose parents divorced when the last child left for college. But I have never been surprised at the announcement. They weren't couples who seemed overly happy together to start with. I also know a few couples who I thought would split but who didn't.

We were looking forward to the freedom of the empty nest - it was great.

It is, but I have to admit that even though we weren’t surprised, it still felt like it was our fault? Especially me being the last one to fly the nest, it felt like our parents just paused their lives to keep us happy (a natural parental instinct of course), but when we actually knew the whole time that they were unhappy, it made us feel frustrated.
These feelings didn’t happen straight away, as I said I was relieved, and my siblings were relieved too. It took a couple of years for these thoughts to kick in. Just don’t beat yourself up if you do find yourself feeling down about it all! ❤️

Despite the general mumsnet view of ‘broken’ families being detrimental to a child, I’d argue that it’s better to get out while the kids are younger. If (God forbid!) my husband and I went our separate ways, I’d prefer for my children to see their parents apart but happy rather than together and not modelling what a happy, healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

How you feel for your DH at 30 after a few years married is very different to your parents being married for over thirty years, having spent their entire adult lives together with the stress of three kids. So yeah they probably don't love wch other passionately anymore but maybe being together suits them well enough.

My parents did this. Kids aren’t stupid. They separated (and later divorced) when I moved out at 23, however I noticed from about the age of 10 how they weren’t like other couples around them. No little pecks on the cheek as they left for work, no physical affection, sleeping in separate rooms (because of my dad’s alleged snoring), we (me and my siblings) would hear heated discussions in hushed tones after we were put to bed.
I actually laughed and said “fucking finally!” when they sat us all down for a dramatic chat about how our family would change.

In a way, it’s taught me a great lesson; not to settle for an easy life! Life’s too bloody short. They’re both in new relationships now and it’s lovely to see them both give and receive the love they deserve. Now at big family events they get on much better than they did when they were married, and my mum’s partner and my dad have just signed up to a kayaking club together 😂

They may be muddling along happily enough. Plenty of couples are ok with this.

They probably did once. See how you feel when you’ve been together 3 decades.

I think some parents stay together whilst DC are in education especially if no third party is involved. Other parents may realise once they are alone together they have nothing in common anymore once DC are left for uni.

That's very sad. DH and I are probably around your parents age - our kids are 21 to 35 and we are very happy together still. We've absolutely no intention of getting divorced, but we've always done lots of things together, as well as having independent hobbies. He's my best friend and I love him more now than when we first married.

I'm surprised to hear it is common, mainly because I can't imagine simply staying together 'for the children'. I know more people who divorced in their 30s/early 40s when they had younger children and the resentment of one partner doing the bulk of the parenting/cleaning/admin kicked in. I think trying to start a new life at 60plus and having to suddenly split the assets and buy two houses would be hugely stressful.

I would have thought the financially independent women who don’t need their husband’s money are more likely to initiate a divorce as they know they can stand on their own two feet and don’t need to put up with a shit marriage.

It’s one of the reasons my generation were brought up to always earn our own money. The alternative (and risks of the associated vulnerability) doesn’t bear thinking about.

I used to be head of first year for my university department, and I dealt with a lot of students whose parents announced their divorce during their first year at university. It was right up there with the death of a grandparent as one of the main reasons for upset students showing up in my office hours and/or asking for essay extensions.

id say 50/50 to those have filed for divorce on the way from home from dropping their youngest at Freshers Week and those that decided that by that point there have served less time for murder and the divorce would cost them a fortune so decide to just carry on. Rather depends on what side of the financial fence you are - I suspect it’s the lower earning (predominantly women) who file for divorce and it’s the higher earner does the sums and thinks it’s worth just sticking it out

Plenty of people just stay together just until the kids have grown up to avoid divorce affecting the children and split up at that point but I think just as many stay together after that. They forge largely separate lives but rub along amicably enough. It’s certainly not inevitable that they’ll divorce.