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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

38 replies

MichelleBadger · Yesterday 13:19

I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years and we have two kids together, both with special needs. I’ve given up my well paid job to look after them; he is the main provider. When he comes home, he does very little to help, just sits in the sofa on his phone messaging and playing online games. We don’t do anything as a family; he refuses to go anywhere with me and the kids won’t go on days out or holidays as he thinks it’s too stressful so I have to struggle on my own or I just don’t go anywhere unless I get help.. anyhow he goes off on nights out with his friends and springs it on me Just before he leaves to go out.. I can never make any plans and don’t have a life outside the house as I can’t do anywhere as he refuses to have the kids..I’ve not seen any of my friends for years and not seen most of my family for two years as he will not have the kids or come with me to go back home (guernsey) he’s now sprung it on me that he’s going away with his friends on a shooting a holiday, some of his friends who are married will take their wives, the ones that are single will probably pay for escorts and some of the wives bring single friends in the hope to matchmake them..he will never allow me to go on any of the shooting days as he likes to fill his boots! He only told me because he’s angry because I booked to go on a days course to train in beauty therapy to upskill and start a new career. He will not tell me the date and where it is and who he’s actually going with and will not let me go. I’m angry because he cannot plan any trips or days out with me and the kids but can go on a trip with his friends to go and have his fun!!! Am I being unreasonable here? Wanting to come as the other wives do.. he will not allow me to come.. he will
not tell me when or where.. he will also not plan anything with the kids either.. am I being over sensitive in this situation? Just want advice.. I never ever get a break but it’s ok for him to have unlimited fun and action. Feel so worthless! His family all know about it and str taking his side saying I’m controlling for wanting to know the details.. if I even suggest going back home to see my family; I’m apparently abandoning the kids!!!

OP posts:
BibbityBoppityTwo · Yesterday 13:23

Is there anything good about this guy? Because he sounds thoroughly awful. Of course you’re feeling terrible. And he clearly doesn’t give a toss. He’s a selfish pig.

Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 13:28

he thinks he is the king because he pays the bills. The house is mine and in my sole name bought with inheritance from my brother who died..so I managed to buy it cash so I feel I contribute in my own right with providing the home.. I also do all the child care, house, garden and animals.. he literally only has to go to work and I take care of everything else! He’s cheated on me a number of times, people have told me about him sending inappropriate messages to other women, some of which are his friends wives, he’s got zero boundaries but expects me to stay faithful and tolerant of this. I feel worthless and my confidence is at a all time low. I can’t even look in the mirror with how I feel!

OP posts:
LizandDerekGoals · Yesterday 13:28

He is an abusive arsehole. You are his servant. He does not like you. He does not like his children.

I’ve given up my well paid job to look after them
Were you earning more than him or similar before giving this job up? And if so why was it you who gave up work? You also gave up your retirement. Is he paying your pension? I bet not? Is he saving in your name? I bet not.

You have no option but to leave him.

And I would also suggest to him 50/50 parenting. Week on / week off.

Naurrr · Yesterday 13:35

MichelleBadger · Yesterday 13:28

he thinks he is the king because he pays the bills. The house is mine and in my sole name bought with inheritance from my brother who died..so I managed to buy it cash so I feel I contribute in my own right with providing the home.. I also do all the child care, house, garden and animals.. he literally only has to go to work and I take care of everything else! He’s cheated on me a number of times, people have told me about him sending inappropriate messages to other women, some of which are his friends wives, he’s got zero boundaries but expects me to stay faithful and tolerant of this. I feel worthless and my confidence is at a all time low. I can’t even look in the mirror with how I feel!

Edited

Tell him to get out of your property, there's no relationship, he's pointless.
It's great that you own the house and are legally single, now you need to prioritise your finances. Forget the boyfriend.

Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 13:42

I was earning a considerable more than him.. from day one I’ve been the one to always compromise, told me to sell my old house because he didn’t like it. Telling me to sell this one because he don’t like living on a road🤦‍♀️ can’t go anywhere unless I take kids.. I literally have no life of my own! He thinks I’m a control freak because I want to know in advance and at least be consulted in his plans.. but it’s all top secret and sprung on me at the last minute! That’s why I get so upset! I can’t make plans but he can do as he pleases

OP posts:
ForTipsyFinch · Yesterday 14:03

Surely you don’t actually think you’re being unreasonable? He sounds horrible.

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 14:06

The obvious question is why are you with him. Just for his money I expect?

Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:11

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 14:06

The obvious question is why are you with him. Just for his money I expect?

I stayed to try and be a family… but clearly he wants to come and go as he pleases! I had a very well paid job and gave it up to raise the children..got no money or income of my own other than my house..

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:12

ForTipsyFinch · Yesterday 14:03

Surely you don’t actually think you’re being unreasonable? He sounds horrible.

He seems to think I’m a control freak for wanting to take an interest in his hobby, but for some reason he thinks by me coming along like the rest of the wives, I’m doing it to spite him.. he wants to go alone as there plenty of single women there for the pickings! I wish I knew what he was like before I fell pregnant 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Goodgriefisthatrue · Yesterday 14:27

So as soon as he goes on his ‘holiday’ you change the locks put up CCTV/ ring doorbell and you kick him out. If he gets nasty you call the police. Also get advice from womens aid. You need to get tough here - you need to find strength from your kids and act.

In the meantime you start applying for jobs and you check out how much benefits you will get while trying to find employment. You go and see a solicitor and get proper advice.

Your partner is a controlling, nasty piece of shit! He is a bully and as far as I can see is the lowest of the low. Leave him. It is the only option- you will be fine. Can any of your family come and stay with you while you kick him out?

Please also get an STI screen.

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 14:28

But why are you staying with him now?

Pashazade · Yesterday 14:31

Is selling the house and moving back to your family an option because it looks like a no brainier from here! Are the kids in school yet? Could you downsize and free up some cash whilst you retrain? I mean getting rid of your DP is the first thing to do if you can get some funds for the bills. What benefits are you entitled to?

Neveranynamesleft · Yesterday 14:34

You absolutely have to end this now. It is not a relationship in any way, you are worth far more. When he goes on his trip, change all the locks, pack up all his stuff in bin bags and either leave it in the garden or put it in a storage unit. If he gives you grief when he returns just phone the police.

Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:37

Goodgriefisthatrue · Yesterday 14:27

So as soon as he goes on his ‘holiday’ you change the locks put up CCTV/ ring doorbell and you kick him out. If he gets nasty you call the police. Also get advice from womens aid. You need to get tough here - you need to find strength from your kids and act.

In the meantime you start applying for jobs and you check out how much benefits you will get while trying to find employment. You go and see a solicitor and get proper advice.

Your partner is a controlling, nasty piece of shit! He is a bully and as far as I can see is the lowest of the low. Leave him. It is the only option- you will be fine. Can any of your family come and stay with you while you kick him out?

Please also get an STI screen.

Edited

To be fair I don’t know where or when it is. I get told night before or just as he’s leaving with any of his plans.. I went on a training course to try to set up a business.. he sprung it on me to upset me and hopefully make me fail the course! Whenever anything significant happens, he always throws a spanner in works, I had to have two tumours removed from my breasts and I had to delay it for months because he said he needed to work and couldn’t take time off to have his kids! On the day of the operation, he wouldn’t let me speak to the kids and wouldn’t tell me how they were.. didn’t help one bit apart from had them whilst I was in surgery for the day.. from that point onwards he left me to have kids and recover! On both births, he wanted to just go for birth and leave me.. both emergency c sections.. he had me up a few hours later, getting him food and drinks. Walking up and down ward bleeding whilst he sat on his phone, ordering me about! As I write this, I’m realising how messssd up it all is and how much I’ve actually tolerated.. for what, for him to have the title dad, but not the responsibility or commitments of one! I’m in process of setting up a salon, but that don’t guarantee income.. I have told him it’s over as I’m not having this set up any more! He wants the freedom to come and go then he can go..

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:43

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 14:28

But why are you staying with him now?

I have lost all self worth and confidence and am worried the kids will resent me for ending it

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:45

ForTipsyFinch · Yesterday 14:03

Surely you don’t actually think you’re being unreasonable? He sounds horrible.

Apparently I’m controlling for wanting to tag along with him.. he is entitled to have fun without me.. but where’s my fun, where’s my social life. I don’t have one. Only time I go anywhere is supermarket or school run🤦‍♀️ whilst he’s off down pubs, off on shoots, out with his friends..

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:47

Neveranynamesleft · Yesterday 14:34

You absolutely have to end this now. It is not a relationship in any way, you are worth far more. When he goes on his trip, change all the locks, pack up all his stuff in bin bags and either leave it in the garden or put it in a storage unit. If he gives you grief when he returns just phone the police.

If it wasn’t weekend I’d pack his stuff and change locks but don’t want kids seeing this; they have special needs so don’t want to let them see any of this dysfunction! He won’t even speak to me about this other than I’m a freak and controlling for wanting to know the specifics and go.. he goes on 15 shooting days minimum every year! I am not welcome at any of them! He will not allow me to come despite other wives and children attending 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:48

Pashazade · Yesterday 14:31

Is selling the house and moving back to your family an option because it looks like a no brainier from here! Are the kids in school yet? Could you downsize and free up some cash whilst you retrain? I mean getting rid of your DP is the first thing to do if you can get some funds for the bills. What benefits are you entitled to?

Hoise is up for sale and dropped price already several times.. he don’t like it as it’s on a road 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 14:49

Neveranynamesleft · Yesterday 14:34

You absolutely have to end this now. It is not a relationship in any way, you are worth far more. When he goes on his trip, change all the locks, pack up all his stuff in bin bags and either leave it in the garden or put it in a storage unit. If he gives you grief when he returns just phone the police.

If it weren’t weekend I’d be bagging it up! Whilst he’s allegedly working 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Pashazade · Yesterday 15:09

Ok so Monday morning. He goes to work the kids go to school. Bag his shit up and get it out of the house. Message him that you’re done and he is no longer welcome at the house and you will call the police if he kicks off. When the kids get home tell them you and Daddy don’t want to live together anymore and that he will see them at the weekend. I mean it’s fairly obvious he won’t bother if he hasn’t got you as a maid any longer but you need to say something. Just do it. Honestly your life will feel so much better without his nonsense. Then you know it is down to you alone and you will be in control. If he does want to see the kids then agree set times and do not deviate but he sounds very selfish so I wouldn’t expect it. Also the children will likely be much happier without him in their lives, it certainly doesn’t sound like he adds anything

JLou08 · Yesterday 15:12

It doesn't sound like you have much to lose if you separate. He sounds like an abusive, entitled prick who brings nothing but pain to your life. I agree with PP, bag his stuff and change the locks. Then you can focus on you, make a UC claim, look for childcare suitable for your DC, get back into work and start making a life for yourself.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · Yesterday 15:15

Have a very rare (from me) LTB!

professionalcommentreader · Yesterday 15:22

Wow if this is true this is one of the worst threads I’ve read, are you married? If not get him out before the rules change and he has a potential claim on your house.

Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 15:26

teaandtoastwithmarmite · Yesterday 15:15

Have a very rare (from me) LTB!

What’s a LTB?

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleBadger · Yesterday 15:28

professionalcommentreader · Yesterday 15:22

Wow if this is true this is one of the worst threads I’ve read, are you married? If not get him out before the rules change and he has a potential claim on your house.

Engaged not married thankfully!! This is what I was thinking! He would’ve laughing all the way to bank with my dead brothers money! He will just blow it on more shooting holidays for him and the slappers he will go with! Funny how he took previous girlfriends but not the mother of his children! Anyone would think I look like the elephant man 🤣

OP posts: