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Original poster

Has this date quietly fizzled out before we have even met?

52 replies

ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:34

The date isn’t going ahead, is it?

On Tuesday I started chatting to this guy and, within a bit of back and forth he asked me out straight away. Asking when I was free. Asked him if Saturday was good, he had plans that afternoon but said he was reworking it to leave early so he can go out with me. And assured me it was perfect.

Next day, much less chatting but he did say that he had to catch up on work the other day as he had spent so much time distracted messaging me. Day after, even less chatty (again, working day). But, the context of the messages were never blunt and required an answer from me, if that makes sense. Never dry.

Yesterday hardly heard from him at all. Again, another working day and he had plans that evening.

Each day we’ve talked, the upcoming date has been mentioned by him at least once. He seemed genuinely excited. I’d say even more forward than me. I was genuinely flattered at how keen he seemed.

Please nobody tell me off but I was so, so looking forward to it and feel so deflated. I know advice will be to do something nice instead, I need to get a life, etc etc. First time someone has given me butterflies and the excitement was just so nice.

I am 29 and have been divorced for 2 years now. I got married very young and the dating scene now is so ‘new’. And my age group (not a negative thing, good on them), seem so much younger.

The girlies of my age group with advice are very much ‘nobody leaves their phone for more than an hour or two’. And ‘if he wanted to, he would’ - being married I think that one is true, I’ve seen how someone genuinely interested moves.

This guy was just so keen to ask for a date. And now it seems the attention has gone flat

He is like me and gets up for 6am… even on weekends

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · Yesterday 08:39

I don't understand all this chatting before the date,surely the actual date is when you chat and get to know someone? Chatting and messaging beforehand creates a false sense of intimacy. Just wait and see what happens and try not to get too invested this early on.

REDB99 · Yesterday 08:41

He’s at work for goodness sake. I certainly couldn’t spend my working day incessantly texting someone. Chill out. Arrange a time and place for Saturday and see him then. There’s no need for excessive contact before hand.

30DegreesHighAndRising · Yesterday 08:42

It sounds like he was mainly chatting during working hours. If so, my first thought is that he's not single, and he's hoping his partner is busy on Saturday so he can meet you, sorry.

Original poster
ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:42

LoafofSellotape · Yesterday 08:39

I don't understand all this chatting before the date,surely the actual date is when you chat and get to know someone? Chatting and messaging beforehand creates a false sense of intimacy. Just wait and see what happens and try not to get too invested this early on.

I think this is wise advice. My only reservation about it is the sudden fading of messaging that is so drastic. It would be different if things were less ‘chatty’ to start off with. It’s such a massive dip

Correct about getting attached too quickly, even to the possibility of meeting up. It just seemed like such a sure thing with genuine interest on his part

He was trying to go for dinner somewhere nice and I was quite clear that I’d prefer just drinks for a first meet, trying to keep nice and light

OP posts:
RosaNovella · Yesterday 08:42

LoafofSellotape · Yesterday 08:39

I don't understand all this chatting before the date,surely the actual date is when you chat and get to know someone? Chatting and messaging beforehand creates a false sense of intimacy. Just wait and see what happens and try not to get too invested this early on.

This!!
People seem to invest so much and have this idea hes Mr Wonderful and they havent even met
Waaaay too much
They chat to multiple women imho

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:42

It doesnt really matter what age you are, you just need to know what is enough for you and what you are looking for and set boundaries around it.

You will get a myriad of advice from here, some of which will be conflicting, for example I agree with the "if he wanted to he would" line and feel that you know 100% if a man is interested in you, and you shouldn't chase a man, certainly not initially. But others on here will say thats rubbish!

I value effort, consistency and honesty. If there is low effort, inconsistency, things dont add up i was out like a shot very early on. These qualities lead to loyalty which is very important for me. I also need a cracking sense of humour and some shared quirky interests to make good conversation.

Try not to get too invested, but i know this is hard initially.
Think of it as all these guys are strangers. They owe you nothing, you them. Strangers til at least date 5. Dont get deep in convos before meeting, dont make pen pals, meet them within a week of chatting. Dont lower your boundaries because they need to bring their A game for you!

All this worked for me, had great fun dating met some lovely guys, no weirdos or dick pics lol actually met my amazing DP at work when I wasn't looking, but i dated OLD for around a year before I came off as I just didnt feel the need for dates I was happy just me and the kids.

There is a great thread about dating on the relationships board I think its on like thread 63 now, lovely ladies on there, look it up :)

Original poster
ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:44

30DegreesHighAndRising · Yesterday 08:42

It sounds like he was mainly chatting during working hours. If so, my first thought is that he's not single, and he's hoping his partner is busy on Saturday so he can meet you, sorry.

The most messages came from 7am to 10pm on the first day

Then rightly so he’s working and catching up the next day, but then hardly a word in the evenings moving forwards

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:45

ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:42

I think this is wise advice. My only reservation about it is the sudden fading of messaging that is so drastic. It would be different if things were less ‘chatty’ to start off with. It’s such a massive dip

Correct about getting attached too quickly, even to the possibility of meeting up. It just seemed like such a sure thing with genuine interest on his part

He was trying to go for dinner somewhere nice and I was quite clear that I’d prefer just drinks for a first meet, trying to keep nice and light

Show quote history

Dont read into peoples messaging styles or wait around for messages. If they message great, but be busy and happy enough that you are not thinking "why haven't they messaged" or working out tines between. Someone youve just met cant slow fade you. Its just a random someone. He could be married, he could be a criminal you dont know, and you need to not care!

Now someone who does this after 4 dates, now thats a different story and something to feel a bit glum about....but my goodness not a random man!

GladysHeeler · Yesterday 08:45

So all that’s happened is that yesterday, when he was at work and then going out in the evening, he hasn’t texted you? Someone he has never even met.

But he’s texted you all of the other days and is keen on the actual date and has continually told you this.

arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 08:46

Do you work op? There are many many jobs where you can’t be texting all day long. Many (teachers for example) where you can’t even look at your phone for hours. He was out last night, it’s only just gone 8am on a Saturday morning, he’s still asleep.

Original poster
ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:47

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:42

It doesnt really matter what age you are, you just need to know what is enough for you and what you are looking for and set boundaries around it.

You will get a myriad of advice from here, some of which will be conflicting, for example I agree with the "if he wanted to he would" line and feel that you know 100% if a man is interested in you, and you shouldn't chase a man, certainly not initially. But others on here will say thats rubbish!

I value effort, consistency and honesty. If there is low effort, inconsistency, things dont add up i was out like a shot very early on. These qualities lead to loyalty which is very important for me. I also need a cracking sense of humour and some shared quirky interests to make good conversation.

Try not to get too invested, but i know this is hard initially.
Think of it as all these guys are strangers. They owe you nothing, you them. Strangers til at least date 5. Dont get deep in convos before meeting, dont make pen pals, meet them within a week of chatting. Dont lower your boundaries because they need to bring their A game for you!

All this worked for me, had great fun dating met some lovely guys, no weirdos or dick pics lol actually met my amazing DP at work when I wasn't looking, but i dated OLD for around a year before I came off as I just didnt feel the need for dates I was happy just me and the kids.

There is a great thread about dating on the relationships board I think its on like thread 63 now, lovely ladies on there, look it up :)

Thank you. For me too, the boundaries are dick pics (blocked obviously). Don’t hear from you for over 24 hours? Blocked after 48 if no decent explanation. No sexual messaging etc, all blocked.

I want to make clear that I wouldn’t actually expect constant messaging before actually meeting up

Only reason this guy has stumped me is because of how keen he was initially. And now silence so far today and all of last night

OP posts:
Original poster
ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:51

Again though, I really don’t expect constant contact before meeting or established as ‘seeing’ them. An example is someone I briefly went out with a few months ago.

Quite slow responses but like this guy, messages always required an answer and weren’t dry. This never worried me or bothered me in the slightest

We met up and he definitely did want to date me/see something. I just didn’t feel a spark and felt we had too many lifestyle differences so ended the connection

But for some reason this guy is making me think it’s a no already because of how it started off. Is that fair?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 08:52

Op - maybe he has gone, but honestly, if I was texting someone new, a stranger, and I got an inkling that they could be writing a thread about me because I didn’t text on a night out before I’d even met them, I would also no longer be interested.

JustWalnut · Yesterday 08:54

Don’t hear from you for over 24 hours? Blocked after 48 if no decent explanation.

What?! This is crazy.

ForTipsyFinch · Yesterday 08:54

When it comes to online dating the majority of matches/conversations aren’t going to go anywhere. I think if people are going to do online dating, it’s a good idea to have some level of communication so as to weed out anyone awful, but beyond that it’s a good idea to keep expectations low. Don’t waste time analysing why men do what they do (who knows) and they certainly aren’t worrying what women think. Just approach online matches as exactly that, they’re strangers we know nothing about at the end of the day.

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:54

@ForPlumQuail
You are giving it all too much head space chick. If you arent excited for a date, if your confused about where you stand or unsure its not a good start.
Either a) stop dwelling on it and just go to the date and see (assuming plans have been made)
Or B) forget it all and clear your head.

There are utter time wasters out there abd this one is living in your head. People do things for all sorts of reasons but when they are strangers dont analyse

Original poster
ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:55

ForTipsyFinch · Yesterday 08:54

When it comes to online dating the majority of matches/conversations aren’t going to go anywhere. I think if people are going to do online dating, it’s a good idea to have some level of communication so as to weed out anyone awful, but beyond that it’s a good idea to keep expectations low. Don’t waste time analysing why men do what they do (who knows) and they certainly aren’t worrying what women think. Just approach online matches as exactly that, they’re strangers we know nothing about at the end of the day.

Sorry should’ve mentioned in previous posts, we had an old mutual friend (sadly passed away) and added each other on social media after seeing the other person comment on a post about that mutuals passing

I don’t actually do OLD yet

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:56

ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 08:55

Sorry should’ve mentioned in previous posts, we had an old mutual friend (sadly passed away) and added each other on social media after seeing the other person comment on a post about that mutuals passing

I don’t actually do OLD yet

Show quote history

Hes still a stranger.
I wouldnt do old yet, and i mean this with kindness.

Its savage out there!

rivalsbinge · Yesterday 08:57

But has hasn’t cancelled right? And the date is this evening? Why have you assumed it’s not happeing, have you heard from him today? I’d just said a msg asking if this evening was still on or not.

wontsomeonethinkofthechimdren · Yesterday 08:58

JustWalnut · Yesterday 08:54

Don’t hear from you for over 24 hours? Blocked after 48 if no decent explanation.

What?! This is crazy.

I think so too. Even when I was in an actually relationship with someone sometimes I wouldn't message them every day. Why do you have to speak so often before you've even met?

MalteserGeezee · Yesterday 08:59

Did you arrange specifics? Meet you at x location at z time? Or did it not get to that point? If you have made an arrangement, and getting there is not a huge faff, I'd still go but prepare for a no-show. Only one way to find out, and if plans have been made, do they need endless reconfirmation? Good luck

Original poster
ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 09:00

rivalsbinge · Yesterday 08:57

But has hasn’t cancelled right? And the date is this evening? Why have you assumed it’s not happeing, have you heard from him today? I’d just said a msg asking if this evening was still on or not.

He hasn’t cancelled but the massive drop in his initial contact makes me think it’s coming. Again, wouldn’t bat an eyelid if things weren’t so chatty from the start and now nothing

When do you think is a good time to message if today is still on? I sort of think lunchtime? As the date was at 6.30 tonight

Or do I just forget about it and if he doesn’t reach out/does so last minute, block?

I know it’s not his problem but I did have to get a babysitter for DD so it’s a bit annoying for knowing when to cancel them

OP posts:
AtIusvue · Yesterday 09:02

OP your behaviour is very concerning.

He hasn’t cancelled anything. He told you he was out for the evening last night, why would he be texting you?

You’re acting possessive and quite frankly unhinged.

empirebiscuits12 · Yesterday 09:03

Come and join us over on the dating thread 😊 We’re a friendly bunch all in the same boat! https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5577610-the-dating-thread-63-crisp-air-warm?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=appshare

Morecoffeeneedef · Yesterday 09:05

ForPlumQuail · Yesterday 09:00

He hasn’t cancelled but the massive drop in his initial contact makes me think it’s coming. Again, wouldn’t bat an eyelid if things weren’t so chatty from the start and now nothing

When do you think is a good time to message if today is still on? I sort of think lunchtime? As the date was at 6.30 tonight

Or do I just forget about it and if he doesn’t reach out/does so last minute, block?

I know it’s not his problem but I did have to get a babysitter for DD so it’s a bit annoying for knowing when to cancel them

Show quote history

Take control. Tell him your babysitting arrangement has fallen through so you can't make it tonight. See how he responds. If he's ready interested he will suggest something else.