Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

I don’t think OP is in the wrong, I think the situations are different.

Her friend who chooses not to work has initiated divorce proceedings but is refusing to allow the sale of the house. There is talk of one child potentially no longer young. Op is pointing out there is no reason why she does not work or financially contribute and and if she wants a divorce she should facilitate the financial settlement.

OP does financially contribute to her relationship but her wages go on different costs which allow the husband to pick up the mortgage in its entirety. She covers the bills. As a pp says..should she laud it over him that he can’t put the heating up because he doesn’t pay the gas bill? Her husband is being a dick trying to conflate the two scenarios and the friend seems a bit of a dick for wanting to get divorced but retain the financial status quo. The courts will sort that one out.

True.

It's ok for your DH to pull you up on this mean spirited gossiping and lack of empathy.

This. Your DH was pointing out that your friend's contribution shouldn't be discounted and that she should seek whatever she's legally entitled to.

Then this doesn't apply to you does it thanks for playing

My husband and I both have ‘high flying’ careers. Which of us is the reason the other can achieve it?

OP you were being hypocritical and got called out.

It's a shame women still don't consider household duties and child care to be of any value

I doubt either one of the husbands would have had a high flying career without the support of their wife

Your friend deserves her fair share of the marital assets because she kept the home and took care of the child

Not much of a friend, if you're willing to say nasty things about her to your husband.

Did he hit a raw nerve? Is that why you are upset?

This ^

He probably realised you were being hypocritical to complain about the other family’s set up when you also changed your role and now earn less so that you could do childcare…it’s not about who works and who doesn’t, or about who earns and pays for what, it is about how a family work together to get things (family/money/life) done.

Maybe spend less time commenting on your friend and more time enjoying life, it’s their business not yours.

Agree with this, sorry!

I think you were out of order in your comment about your "friend" and he was pointing that out. It wasn't the most conciliatory way of doing it, but it doesn't sound like he was the one who thought that looking after kids wasn't as worthwhile as bringing in the bacon.

If I were you, OP, I would open a new joint account that ALL bills come out of and that you both pay a set amount into. Therefore, you're both contributing to all bills.

Oh fuck off

I mean the OP is clearly overthinking what DH said. He was being literal in that she doesn’t pay the mortgage.

you have just taken it next level. He hasn’t made any suggestion he doesn’t value her contribution he was just being factual and making light of the OP’s gossiping about her friend when she was being mean. He essentially defended the friend being entitled to the assets so he isn’t the twat you think he is

I’m not going to stick the boot in or be pedantic (gossiping and the mortgage getting paid from “HIS” account) because life is too short.

My tuppence worth is that we have a house full of visitors this week which includes my step daughter, her husband and their young children. The number of times I have heard “grandad’s house”, “grandad’s car”, “grandad’s garden”, “grandad’s this, that and the fucking other” said by the adults and repeated by the children…Lord, give me strength. I’m a bit player in my own life!

Your husband is being an ass for saying that. I'd be worried that it wasn't a joke and he doesn't value your contributions at all.

You were also being an ass in your comments on your "friend".

This.
Op you sound horrible, as a mother, wife and friend. Internalised misogyny at its worst.

The op has four children not me. I have one sadly due to my health issues I was unable to have any more, thank you for the reminder and kindness

And at the same time back of bitching about her friend who’s essentially doing the exact same thing.

OP works and had taken a role that fits in with childcare which enables her husband to continue his higher paying job while fathering 4 children. He's insinuating that OP works for the fun of it, ignoring her contributions. I'd be livid too. I've personally accepted that there's little real equality while women have the babies.

That’s exactly what the OP is accusing her friend of doing. OP is the one in the wrong here.

This.

Sounds like your husband thought you sounded like an arse. With friends like you eh!

He's got a point. Or is your situation more understandable because you've got 4 kids n she's got 1?

When things deteriorated between me and DH he accused me and DD of milking him dry 🙄. Things often come down to money when the chips are down.

Agree to invoicing him for all the childcare you have done.

Men eh.