Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

I would've responded with "well would you like me to return to work and we pay out dor childcare for our 4 dcs then plus a cook, someone to do the shopping and a cleaner?"

Many a true word is said in jest. It's probably how he sees it but doesn't realise that you're basically working in another capacity bit without any pay. Plus you've lost your place on the career ladder should you wish to return at any time.

Why does your job reduction to allow you to take care of the children count as part of your indirect contribution to the mortgage but your friend giving up work to do the same not count as an indirect contribution to hers?

Frankly, it sounds like you were being snide about the value (or lack thereof) of another woman being around to raise her children, your husband held up a mirror and you didn't like the reflection.

And I say this as a full time mother and breadwinner in my house so no particular axe to grind for SAHMs. Give your head a wobble.

Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. You were being a bit of bitch and he called you out with an actually fact. My husband paid of our mortgage with inheritance, I often joke that I take him on holiday (because I pay for holidays) so he now gets to joke he paid off our mortgage…doesn’t upset anyone in the slightest.

Yes, agree. The OP’s husband enjoys a full family life and a high earning job thanks to the career sacrifices of the op.

And it’s depressing that women continue to denigrate and dismiss the fact that it’s primarily women who do the vast amount of unpaid domestic and childcare labour within a household, which enables the ‘D’H to focus on full time work/their career. The motherhood penalty for work is real and substantial.

If a father truly picked up 50% of all that labour, school runs, assemblies, packed lunches, days/weeks off with poorly children, doctors appointments, looking after kids during holidays as well as the running of the household etc etc etc, they might finally understand why women’s careers and pension contributions are more limited.

Your DH was effectively defending a SAHM’s right to a share of the marital home and you’re angry with him?
Why were you being so snide about a woman who is supposed to be your friend?

How do you know the friend you were gossiping about and calling " a bit grabby"
wasnt "contributing" in other ways as you consider yourself to be? tbh you sound hypocritical.
People organise their finances in many ways,its. a personal matter.
Like you i paid the deposit on our property (im a saver my DH is not) We jointly paid the mortgage for 7 yrs, then we decided i would work part time and do most of the home and child care duties and he would pay the mortgage,i contributed to household expences for 10 yrs, then he was made redundant and the children were older and i paid the mortgage. We considered us a team and wanted to support each other. During my 10 yrs of not paying the mortgage i was contributing and during the latter years when my husband was not paying the mortgage he was contributing by improving our property.
Dont judge others decisions lest you be judged.

Sounds like you can dish it out but not take it

Maybe be less bitchy about your friend then.

This. It was just a pointed remark in response to you slagging off your friend 🤣

This is such a common story- most men do not appreciate any of the work that goes into running a household and family, you contribute with your time and effort AND with money- what more does he want FFS.

But it was the OP who initiated the conversation by criticising her friend.

It is the OP who doesn't appreciate her friend's 'work that went into raising a household and family'.

He was holding a mirror up to her attitude not revealing his own.

He didn't accuse her of not contributing to either or say that her friend's stbxh was right.

He was highlighting that contribution to a marriage can't be reduced to who pays specifically for what because, if that were the case, she doesn't pay towards their mortgage either but she does contribute in other ways and so did her friend.

It's interesting because it also seems that some people are suggesting the OP's contribution to her marriage is different to/more valuable than her friend's because she does contribute financially. In which case, that says more about how they personally value women's unpaid labour than anything else.

He knows what she is financially responsible for because, presumably, it was a joint decision and not an accident.

Your friend contributed to the household by being a SAHM, raising her husband's child. That's work and pays the mortgage by enabling him to go out to work.

You also pay the mortgage. When married it doesn't matter what name is on the account the money comes out of.

Both you, and your husband, are unreasonable. You especially for being horrible about your friend and not recognising the financial contribution that millions of women make by taking care of their own children while simultaneously eroding their own career prospects for the sake of their family.

I would have taken it as him pointing out that you don't necessarily know the ins and outs of how your friend and her ex manage their finances and that you shouldn't be too quick to judge her. Maybe she's paid a big lump sum into the house from savings or an inheritance or from working pre kids that your unaware of. So whilst she's not technically contributed to paying the mortgage, she's got more of a financial interest in the house that goes beyond being 'grabby' with her ex's money.

If there's a backstory of your husband making jokes about him thinking you don't contribute equally to the household, then of course that would change the context.

But you started it!!!

you slagged your friend off for not contributing despite the fact that she obviously has through childcare.

then he pointed out the same thing!!

both of you are hugely misogynistic, but whilst you are yourself unable to understand the unpaid labour contribution of a sahm, you can’t really get upset that he doesn’t get it either.

This is such a common story- most men do not appreciate any of the work that goes into running a household and family, you contribute with your time and effort AND with money- what more does he want FFS.
Personally after the doubling down I would tell him that I need a huge apology or he is going to be in the same position as your friend mortgage wise, you also need to lay out to him all the work you do for which you do not get a salary , but without which the household does not function.
It's better that you know this now, concentrate on your own financial security, not joint because clearly he does not see your marriage as an equal partnership- which puts him at risk of being unfaithful, it started out lighthearted but has revealed your marriage as built on a foundation of sand.

This is why you should have a joint account and all come out of it

The best comment I ever heard from someone getting divorced was "I'm not greedy, I just want what is rightfully mine under the law".

There are laws in place to protect women. I believe it is 50/50 as a starting point. So, whatever your friend has done she is legally entitled to half of it. If that means half of as much as you can get for your house, then so be it.

Im glad your not my friend tbh.

What he's telling you is that people contribute in different ways. Which you really should have realised instead of laying into your friend.

The difference is your friend doesn’t work at all and you do. Which with 4 dc is quite the juggle! If you wanted to stay at home and he earns good money why didn’t you? Is that where your issue is? No you don’t pay the mortgage but it doesn’t sound like he respects what you do. I was married to a man who earned more and expected me to do everything it wasn’t fun op so I completely understand that!

This. Strictly, neither of us pay the mortgage. We both pay funds into a joint account out of which the mortgage and other bills come. I earn more than DH, but neither of us can say the other is not "paying the mortgage".

It was shitty of OP. But as SAHM we often get shitty comments from our working friends. I’d never dream of saying anything about them working but it’s considered fair game to say comments like we don’t contribute to the household etc.
OP of course your friend is entitled to half the family home! It’s bitchy of you tbh.

Get a joint bills account, both pay into it, all bills get paid out of there so you are both paying for everything

I’m a SAHM and I think he’s been an absolute dick to you OP. Of course you’re paying for the house when you’re covering half the bloody bills! And if you didn’t change your job he would have had to and wouldn’t be earning as much so he can shut his pie hole. Maybe he needs to start doing significantly more for the kids if he wants to be a bastard and play the 50:50 game. Actually work out what that would look like, I’d put money on you paying more in bills!!

To be honest I’m not sure it was any worse than what you were saying about your friend. Don’t get me wrong I’d probably be unimpressed at her cheating, but it sounds like you were dismissive about her not paying the mortgage because she was a SAHM and contributing to the family that way.