Was my husband's mortgage comment a joke or genuinely hurtful?

Yes he does pay the mortgage it’s out of his bank with his money but you pay other things but this comment would concern me he’d been thinking about this and done this so when and if you divorce he has the upper hand!
very dodgy

I feel we are perhaps arguing about different points. I'm not trying to argue that OP and her friend both contribute equally to their marriages (I have no idea).

Like most on the thread, I take the husband's comment to be pointing out the flaw in OP's reasoning- if OP thinks that her friend should have fewer rights in relation to decisions about the house because she doesn't pay the mortgage, would she be happy with the same position for herself, given that she also does not pay the mortgage, and in that sense is in a similar position to her friend?
OP then lets herself off the hook for this because she contributes by doing more childcare, but doesn't take this into account in relation to her friend.

The point is that rights in relation to marital assets aren't related to who specifically pays for what. It really doesn't require you to start ranking women on the grounds of who earns what or has produced more children.

I think you can dish it but not take it. Your friend would have been a stay at home mum with both their agreement and her contribution was raising the kids and avoiding child care fees. As much as I wasn’t a sahm and never wanted to be, I can see that and think it’s awful you were slagging her off as being grabby behind her back

so he is right, be a bit more empathetic

Cheers! I hear you! Unfortunately just not in my nature to actually follow through at a later date on the frustration I feel in the moment.
I put it down to thoughtlessness on their part, historical step family aspects (3 sides to every story), a good dash of generalized misogyny, plus taking everything the major care giver and dogsbody does for granted! (We all know how that feels)
I bite my tongue 99% of the time, keep the peace. No one wants to spoil a visit after all. Head down, move on. No one’s individual situation is perfect but we all mostly muddle through.

We seem to be going round in circles a bit.
In terms of the direct comparison made by the OP's husband, of course the fact that she works and has four times as many children is relevant. She also contributes to the household bills, just not the mortgage specifically. It sounds as if he doesn't value either her job, because it is lower paid than his, or her hard work in raising a large family and is trying to put her down unfairly.

I agree that the fact that she is a SAHM does not make the friend awful. Obviously not! Nor is it the fact that she presumably expects an equal split of the assets. It's the fact that she has cheated and is then dragging her feet with the sale and causing even more stress to her DH. She isn't asking for an equal say in the sale of their joint asset. She is asking for the a superior say, to the point that he is being forced to go to court. That's awful behaviour, and particularly in the context of a relatively small contribution overall.

He said it as a joke and laughed. According to the, OP.

Spouses usually joke with each other though and i wouldnt consider his comment as anythijg more than gentle ribbing.

But the OP was having a proper bitch abut her friend so it landed badly.

OP says the friend "gave up work". Whether that was well paid work or NMW is beside the point. It's also completely beside the point how many children each woman has, please listen to yourself (and feel free to go onto the board for parents of only children and explain why their contribution is lesser 😂)

The friend sounds pretty awful, agreed (although to be fair there may be a lot of background we don't know about), but the awful thing about her is not that she did not contribute to the mortgage while being a SAHM nor is it that she expects to have an equal say in decisions about the sale of a joint asset. Either we accept that childcare and domestic work have value, or we don't. OP suggested her friend should not have the right to an equal say about a joint asset because her contribution to that asset was not financial- her husband pointed this out. Seems fair enough.

You bringing up that she didn't pay the mortgage was an odd thing to say about the situation. it's irrelevant, she will be entitled to half the house whether or not she paid the mortgage, which is probably why your DH joked about it.

But that's only a technicality because they don't have a joint account and have decided that he pays the mortgage bill and she takes responsibility for other bills. If they did both pay into a joint account, she would be paying towards the mortgage. The DH is being mean and petty.

I don't think anyone is arguing that the friend shouldn't get a share of the assets from her marriage. The OP hasn't commented on that aspect at all and the law is clear.

I don't agree with the rest of your take either. We don't know if the friend gave up a career, you've assumed that. Perhaps she had a NMW job or no job at all.
I also don't think it's fair to try to make a direct comparison between the contributions to the family of a working mother with four children and a mother who has never worked with just one, now older child. Being a SAHM with one DC is very relaxed, barring signifiant SEN, etc. Juggling childcare of four DC and working is certainly not relaxed. The DH was very unfair to the OP.

Having said all that, I don't think it is about a no salary vs a lower salary comparison. I think the OP's comment was in the context of the friend's affair and then causing major stress for her husband by being greedy about the asking price of their home to the point that the husband is being forced to go to court to be able to sell their home. This greedy and difficult behaviour does seem even more unreasonable given the fact that she hasn't contributed anything to the mortgage.

Hmm I guess it’s a tricky one. I work 18 hours a week but cover our £1100 mortgage plus £500 worth of other bills. My husband works full time bit minimum wage and covers the rest including food and savings. I could technically say he doesn’t pay the mortgage but he does contribute. I guess it depends how it was said

I think he pointed out your hypocrisy. Why are you entitled and your friend is not?

Next time everyone sits down to eat sit down with them and look expectantly at Grandad to serve out the meal he has bought and cooked on his special paper plates and plastic cutlery.

Next time they come to stay don’t change the bed linen/ tidy up/ hoover round and look surprised that Grandad hasn’t done it.

Do you not have enough to do? It sounds to me as if he was calling out your hypocrisy towards your friend who you seem to think isn't exactly like you. What exactly is it that you want here? For him to say you pay the mortgage? You don't. Why should he lie?

I agree. You were criticising your friend but you yourself pay in a lot less than your husband does to expenses. So I can't see the difference.

Totally agree with this.
You think your ‘friend’ should be judged by different rules than yourself.

First of all, it's perfectly normal to have a gossip with your husband.

I think it was a bit mean of him, OP and I would be disappointed if my husband didn't want to join me in a little gossip now and then.

Your point is that your friend is not in paid employment so she is neither paying the mortgage, nor the household expenses. You are paying the household expenses.

Your husband has used your very normal and well intentioned private gossip to score and make a point. I think it was a bit mean of him.

Share everything properly from now on. Work out a proportion and you both pay in for everything.

His thinking is questionable and you know what to expect from him IF things ever go south.

YABU

You said something bitchy about a friend, he basically said the same as you…

I think there are similarities- OP justifies her own lower salary by saying that she has soft-pedalled her career to do more of the childcare. That's obviously completely fine, but she doesn't extend the same courtesy to the friend who gave up her career to be a SAHM. OP has a job but nevertheless she is financially reliant on her husband and his larger salary, just as her friend is reliant.

None of this is a criticism of OP for any of these choices btw- sounds like she and her husband both contribute well in a way which suits them both. But it's a bit hypocritical for OP to want her broader contribution recognised while not recognising that her friend also contributes as a SAHM. If OP is going to nitpick about how a specific contribution relates to a specific asset, it's not unreasonable to point the double standard out. (Quite rightly the courts aren't interested in this sort of thing.)

Who had an affair, who wants the divorce etc- not relevant to the split of assets.

FFS 🙄

He wasn't whining about the mortgage.

Do people really not understand the words that are written?

Even if people disagree on the husband's intention, surely no one thinks the OP posted because her husband was whining about the mortgage??

I'm surprised by the all the harsh and critical posts directed at the OP.

Her 'friend' sounds awful, has behaved badly and continues to behave badly.
It was in this context that @Somewhatblindsided made her comments.
The friend had an affair, wants a divorce and is then blocking the sale of the house (in a falling market) and forcing her husband to go to court to reduce the price, preventing from moving on and getting on with his life. It is relevant, given all this, that the friend hasn't worked or paid anything towards the mortgage. It makes her behaviour even worse.
The OP's husband was completely wrong to compare her to this friend. She has always worked and done the bulk of raising their four children. She has more than contributed to their marriage in an equal way, perhaps doing more than the husband. That can't be said for the friend.

The specific details of the friend's circumstances aren't important though in the context of why she posted.

How is the OP in the same situation as the friend? I can't see any similarities.
The OP has four children. The friend has only one.
The OP has always worked and managed the bulk of the childcare. The friend has never worked.
The OP has not cheated on her husband. The friend has had an affair and now wants a divorce.
The OP has always contributed to household expenses. The friend has never done this and is also being greedy and blocking her husband, who clearly wishes to move on, from selling their home.
What similarities are you referring to or are you just trying to stick the knife in?