Severe ADHD and lack of maturity in my husband means carrying the mental load and finances in my marriage can only sit with me.

You are clearly not compatible and it's making your life miserable. I guess the obvious solution is to start making plans to leave this marriage.

He sounds like a nightmare. Even when you talk about his redeeming qualities you say he’s manipulative.

If this is really all down to his ADHD then he needs to take it seriously and find a way to manage it. If it’s just who he is then I’d leave him if I were you.

I think he's just a bit shit and you're giving the ADHD as an excuse
My husband has that and autism and has a job earning over 100 grand a year.

What attracted you to him in the first place?

I don’t get where the money is going? I mean I struggle to understand why you married a perpetual teenager and have kids with him but that’s done now 🤷‍♀️

My dh is adhd and never would I talk about him or his family like you do. If you don't love him leave but don't put him down because he isn't the right person and not classy enough. You dont just suddenly realise after a second child it's not like that. You don't want him clearly obvious. I couldn't care less that I do a bit more paperwork wise. My dh works to his capabilities and all is pooled I sort bills and we share rest with kids. Knew if before married know it after 10 years.

Sounds like unrealistic expectations on yourself and on him. There is no need to live up to a standard if it is draining you. Either you get a cleaner, nanny, meals on wheels etc to fill in the labour needed to get to the standard or you accept a lower one which is actually not a big deal.

You have probably been overperforming for years. Of course he has been underperforming in exchange. A healthier balance could be struck.

You do the click and collect order, he goes to collect it, then he unpacks it to the proper places for example.

You plan much simpler meals or batch cook, and he microwaves it, air fries it, whatever, the important point is you dont have to serve every meal, who cares if its beans on toast.

The finances fall to you and that is good since you are the main earner. If he is a spender who never went to school then there is no point doing budget stuff with him. He doesnt have the skills or aptitude to deal with it and you are driving yourself mad fantasising he ever will. Take full control, you have kids, you need savings end of story. Tell him what his spending money is, set him up an account specifically for his discretionary spend and have a standing order go into it monthly. Same for you. Then it is fair and equal.

If you can step back and drop the emotions then you can sort this and get your life working better for you so you are not so drained all the time. Grieve the marriage you thought you wanted. See how things really are and see how you can turn this around piece by piece. Take your time. Give yourself at least 6 months to a year to recalibrate.

It sounds like you were blinded by his charm so never noticed his problems with the mundane parts of being an adult Op. The bit about you being the boring one next to him tells a story, it's easy for others just to see the charm, but they don't see you're miserable because he can't take responsibility for so much.
Quite honestly, you're starting to resent him and that always goes one way, straight down until you've had enough and cut and run. If he's not medicated or refuses to take it I can't see this having a happy ending

I don’t understand all of these similar threads

presumably these men were the same when you met and married them?

I don’t really understand how your household income is over 110k a year and you aren’t saving? Or do you mean you don’t have much savings? I know there’s a tax issue but I imagine many couples on 80k a year between them manage to save some?
if he really isn’t capable like you say, and he’s content, then there’s not much you can do

if you accept it can you remove some of his disposable income each month (with discussion obviously) and put it into savings marked for his travel, he can put more or less in each month but no need to ask you about travel anymore, that’s his problem. At least it’s one thing off your plate. Can you streamline anything else as well, like preorder shopping, same food same meals each week or fortnight, things like that. I also think if he’s impacting you it’s reasonable to expect him to give medication and/or adhd therapy a try too, and perhaps couples therapy so you can learn productive ways to argue, just shouting is ridiculous. I appreciate that all costs money though

To be fair though, if he hardly went to school then he's going to find a LOT of what you mention challenging. Credit card statements and remortgage options are a big deal for someone with zero education, and that's leaving ADHD out of the equation.

I guess we're all just mystified as to how he managed to fool you for long enough to get married!

But you don't have to stay married. It doesn't matter what part of his behaviour you find insupportable, you can divorce even if you just don't like the way he slurps his tea.

I mean you acknowledge it's linked to his severe ADHD, poor education and poor upbringing, he's been like this since you met him and yet you married him and chose to have a family with him. what do you think can possibly change?

you don't have to be married to someone you dislike and don't respect

Why on Earth did you marry him? You sound like a total mismatch in every way.

It seems your lives are far apart, how did you meet and fall in love? Was he any good when the kids were babies or was that all on you too?

I’d find this impossible too. Especially expecting you to fund his trips to his home country! He should be funding at least 50% of the trip for the whole family not just him! Have you even met his family and asked what he was like growing up. He should have got medication after his diagnosis. He can’t put everything down to ADHD though, it sounds like weaponised incompetence.

I think the adhd is a red herring- the problem is him.

I have ADHD and I too struggled massively with admin, executive functioning etc. I also got diagnosed officially and taken medication which helps enormously with this. What has your husband done to help with his ADHD? Does he take medication?

I had an ex who also had ADHD and everything fell to me, despite me also having it, he denied I had it and I then had an extra child to mother. It didn't get any better as he didn't want to get better at managing. He was content for me to be responsible for everything and every stupid/impulsive decision that led to lack of money, time or accountability was blamed on ADHD. It didn't get better, hence why he's an ex.

They continue to take from us because we enable the behaviour - ADHD is debiitating at times but can also be managed with medication, coping strategies etc it's not an excuse to outsource your life to your partner.

Without being mean - what attracted you to him? You seem extremely mis matched but am assuming he has some redeeming qualities.

He’s very, very lucky to have you.

Was he medicated before you married him? I mean, he must have attracted you somehow - if he was as bad as this before. Is he medicated at all now?

I mean, I think it's too late now anyway, you can't live with him any longer and that is entirely your decision to make. It does sound as though he is incapable of being a 'husband' in any way that you need.

Interested to find out more.

Are you in an arranged marriage? didn't you realise how he was during the dating period?

What attracted you to him?

What about him maintains this attraction?

Is this really a sustainable relationship?

This isn't sustainable is it? You're diametrically opposed in every possible way.

I couldn't live like that, OP. I really couldn't.

Do you think medication would help?