Severe ADHD and lack of maturity in my husband means carrying the mental load and finances in my marriage can only sit with me.

Is his ADHD treated with medication? If not, why not?

This is true and OP's resonates with me as my DH is quite likely ADHD/neuro diverse.

When we first met he was terrible with money/debt but has improved over the years eg doesn't even use a credit card as he knows it won't go well. His earning per hour has always been greater than mine, and yet I've provided the bulk of the monthly living costs.

Redeeming features are that he is v. funny and good humoured, will ferry the kids around at the drop of a hat without complaint, and is always willing to help.

Life isn't always about money and earning lots of it - although it does often seem that way on Mumsnet.

If you divorced, would he have the kids half the time. How will you co parent together? Or will you be a 100% single parent.

This isn't your problem but will he be able to live on his own?

I don’t understand how a woman from the UK capable of earning 90k is attracted to a man who hardly attended school and with such poor executive functioning as husband material. Quick fling yes but anything more I’d question her judgement regarding his suitability as a husband and father however good he is “at holding the room”. I don’t think you’re compatible and you should seek an amicable divorce.

OP are you sure he is able to read properly? I see a few red flags here that he might be hiding an inability to read. Like in your opening post you say he had a friend fill out forms and he cannot work through a credit card statement.

This may or may not be relevant in your DH's case, but iron deficiency is a common and fixable cause of ADHD for some people. It's less common in men than in women but still can be the cause. I'd see if he can get his GP to test iron (& vitamin D & other basics). If ferritin is under 100 and/or transferrin saturation is under 20% then things may improve with supplementing. My (self-diagnosed) ADHD is only mild but worsening symptoms are usually the first indication I have of having slacked off my iron supplements.

The Iron Protocol for Iron Deficiency With or Without Anemia FB group is a good place to find out more. It's the world's biggest patient advocacy group for iron deficiency and lots of members including the group's owner have stopped needing ADHD meds since optimising their iron levels. Apologies that I can't link it but my phone is playing up.

watching with interest…

There is a good video channel on youtube called Adhd love. I think you and your husband will find it interesting and useful Their videos have helped our family
Your husband may have dyslexia also

Hmm this is a very difficult situation, ADHD is for life, not just for xmas so to speak and it takes a very special kind of person to be able to put up with it, i use that term mildly as there are varying degrees of the condition but it makes everyday life hard work. I feel your pain.

This isn't true. I am a woman with ADHD and no systems or processes have ever worked for me. What worked for me was medication and nothing else. Because I can't take it any more my partner now does everything and my family help me manage my finances to take some of the burden off him. It's a disability. You can't just overrule a severe neurotransmitter imbalance.

I understand why you don't want to divorce him, as it would be a big financial hit for you, re property and pension.

I think you should take advice on how much he would be likely to get, and then work out if you can afford it eg buy him out of the house now, lose part of your pension, but work on building it up later, even if it's when the kids are finished university.

When you have the figures you can make an informed decision.

If you decide to stay, you need to accept that you'll be doing the planning and financial management. Perhaps you can give him specific roles to do, even if you have to remind/supervise/manage, just so you feel less frustrated.

I hope you can work out a way to pay him off, or maybe buy him a one-way ticket home?

I had a partner like that once.
I see now that he had ADHD and it ran in his family.
Same as another PP, he was a low earner and spent all his money on toys and drink.
His father and his brother died young too.
I'm not in contact with him any more and I would not be surprised if he's dead too.

Does he have the ability to take on other tasks? My partner also has ADHD and I definitely do more of the mental load than he does, but to balance things out he does more of the housework and takes the kids everywhere they need to go in the car - all extra curriculars, to and from school, and all appointments. This helps reduce the frustration of me having to take on so much of the mental load. That said, he does have the ability to organise his own appointments and things and sounds like he’s more capable of some of the mental load than your DH. He has gotten better at this over time.

It sounds like you may be resigned to divorce at this stage and I don’t blame you. It is near impossible to live with an adult that you have to manage like they’re an additional child.

Women with adhd wouldn’t have the excuse this man has had. There are systems and processes that he can put in place. He is being purposely incompetent

I made similar bad decisions with exH, for similar reasons (low self esteem). He is most likely ASD.

Your situation is a sunk cost fallacy, accept the financial loss in the short term, get a clean break divorce, and use your ability to earn 90k to make the best of the rest of your life. You will have so much more energy to do so with him gone.

Get some help with the childhood issues/ low self esteem. You can do so much better on your own, and if you choose to you can find a much better more compatible man, and do not re marry unless you are balanced equally financialy and energy wise.

I think for the finances you give him his cash pocket money (poor phrase) and when he saves up enough he can pay for his trip back home! That would give him responsibility for it 100%

If he wanted to change, to do a fairer share and treat you and the DC better, he would have by now.

‘Everyone loves him’: that doesn’t matter. His behaviour towards you all isn’t loving.

Medication, Medication and Medication

It's life changing. My partner has terrible ADHD but from your description is fundamentally less of a prick than yours. We are not married because I refused to be shackled to a fucking idiot even if I do love him and he's genuinely lovely. However I do recognise the "i want" approach to pissing money up the wall, that you described.

The big differences are, while I do more admin and organising, I absolutely stop short of running his life. I do not touch his laundry. I do not take any interest in his finances. He earns very well because he has a job that provides a dopamine rush and he's incredibly good at it. He pays his 50% and I pay mine, the end. IDGAF if he walks out of a job, he pays his share somehow and I don't get involved.

We were together for many years before diagnosis and medication, but honestly it has been transformative.

The childishness is massively suppressed and the ability to function as an adult is vastly improved.

Do whatever it takes to get him medicated. Even if you divorce him, it will help him be a better parent and have a better life. Also, encourage him to try jobs that give dopamine rushes, he will naturally perform better at them.

Your situation feels very familiar to mine.

My husband doesn’t have an ADHD diagnosis but has serious problems with executive functioning. He manages to hold down a middle-earning job but ends up working long hours and can’t manage anything else like life admin, DIY or thinking about another person’s needs.

Looking back, I think I was a bit naive when we met - I was in my early 20s and he was 30 and the age difference probably masked the differences between us. Also I had fairly low self esteem and was just looking for someone I got on well with, who had a similar family background etc. The problems became much more apparently when we had a house and 2 kids to look after.

Fast forward 10 years and I was completely burned out from being this man’s practical and emotional support as well as holding down a high-earning job and doing the majority of the childcare. I think he cooked dinner for me about 5 times in 10 years. I can’t remember a time when he got up early with the children or managed to get them to school without help. He can’t manage supermarket shopping, and if I asked him to do a small job for me like put the car back in the driveway after I’d switched the cars around he’d forget, On top of this he had depression, brought a lot of negative energy to the house and had hoarding tendencies, so even minor discussions about throwing away old things became emotional arguments.

i tried for several years to make the marriage work, have counselling etc but eventually realised I couldn’t carry on being married to someone I no longer loved or respected. We’re getting divorced.

Thus year has been really tough - we’re still selling the house, and I don’t know how I’ll afford a decent home afterwards. Of course, his family have stepped in to give him a lot of money so he’ll be fine.

But I’m looking forward to being free and maybe one day I’ll find a man who is capable of being a partner.

I couldn't live like this but if you knew what he was like and married him despite, it seems a little unfair to resent him for it. That said, I couldn't do it and you're allowed to leave.

Is he actually diagnosed with adhd or are you both just using the term? From what it sounds to me he does sound like an entitled toddler who wants you to parent him not be his wife and that would be more akin to narcissism than anything to do with adhd.

OP this is sounds like a very shit, complex situation. For one, I don't think anybody understands why on Earth you married him if you said he was like this when you met, just baffling really. You also seem to blame everything on his ADHD like it's a 'problem' that he chose to have; you do know it isn't voluntary, right? You do know having ADHD isn't the cause of all of the problems you've listed? Has he been diagnosed with ADHD? Is he medicated for it? That's the first thing you need to do. It very much reads as if you blame him for it and just generally hate him, and his parents.

Then there's the fact he expects you to pay for his trips home and shouts at you to get what he wants and to avoid taking accountability etc. You tolerate this, why? You have all the money, you do all the admin, you have all the power.

Leave him, because it's quite clear your desperately resent him. Honestly it would do him a favour to have to stand on his own two feet and not be mollycoddled by you. I'm not blaming you for doing this as I know it's easy to slip into that way of life; 'it's just easier if I do it', and on the face of it makes life easier for you both but really is making it so much harder. He's completely dependent on you for everything and you've naturally become this emotional, mental, financial resource for everyone around you.

Leave, live the life you want to live, don't get shouted at anymore, don't raise a manchild, get your savings boosted back up. You will be so much happier and will be doing him a favour. You also don't want your kids to grow up thinking all of this is normal.

I am guessing most of you who were married to man children who didn’t know how to handle responsibility ended up divorcing?

Yup. And now he mocks me for having made a financial success out of my life. While he's blown every penny he ever had on toys and drink.

I never had any intention of mothering an adult man but ended up having to be the house manager, and then deal with his sulking when he was forced, kicking and screaming, into doing a minimal amount of housework.

Fuck that.

You sound done with it all op