Severe ADHD and lack of maturity in my husband means carrying the mental load and finances in my marriage can only sit with me.

Not to sound manipulative and scheming but you should be able to run rings around your husband in divorce proceedings so that you don’t lose out too much.

my situation is not too dissimilar, although I would say my husband is more high functioning autistic but does have adhd symptoms, which makes him do unhinged things without thinking but I earn about 3 times more than him and we’ve been able to agree that we leave the marriage with what we came with. I moved into his 3 bedroom house but already had my own two bedroom house. And while I was contributing to his house I had two maternity leaves and the first year of marriage he thought as the man he should pay all the bills. So basically we divorce and he keeps his house and I keep mine. Children will live with me and he will pay for 50% of their activities and necessities and give me a contribution towards my housing costs.

whatever decision you take I wish you all the happiness in the end.

It’s unhelpful to ask questions about why you married this man in the first place so my question would be, what is keeping you with this man now? You haven’t mentioned any positives so my inkling would be for you to separate from this drainer.

I hate to say it but women earning substantially more than their husbands is already a difficult dynamic to manage. I rarely see success especially when there are children.

Marriage isn’t jail. You are allowed to leave

I'm not exaggerating at all. You're ill-informed. There's plenty of evidence that ADHD is a disability in its most severe form (those that get PIP for it have provided compelling evidence that it disables them) and that impairment can be (but isn't always) contextually and environmentally dependent. Being able to do a job on a building site where complex tasks are broken down by someone else, one by one, into relatively basic (even if physically demanding) tasks that entail little to no executive function isn't the same thing as what the OP's husband is struggling with or unable to do at home and probably isn't boring in an absolute sense - there may be boring bits to it but there are also elements that are likely enjoyable/stimulating which makes a difference to functionality.

And saying that disability actually disables people is not infantilising disabled people - disability means you cannot do things the majority of people can do - either some or all of the time. And no, if someone with severe ADHD cannot do something because of their severe ADHD, then they simply cannot do that. Many will have spent years trying and failing prior to diagnosis and will have suffered a great many negative consequences as a result. If these disabilities disappear or are greatly reduced by medication though, as is common, it shows pretty convincingly, that the neuro-chemical imbalance and the faulty motivation/reward system was to blame all along. This doesn't mean that the person may not have been able to do some things that they find dull - it will depend on the amount of executive function involved and the context/environment. ADHD is a very complex but highly researched condition and this is all well documented by that research.

I have no idea how it works for blue badges and ADHD. I can't drive due to my ADHD being so bad so know nothing about the system at all.

OP, there is a reddit thread called ADHD partners, I found it immensely helpful. Living with someone who has severe untreated ADHD is extremely draining.

Why isn't he on medication???

Although, it may be more complicated than ADHD. It could be that his I.Q is below average as well. In your shoes I'd be worried he would fall for a scam or spend money or something stupid.

Start divorce proceedings asap. You’ll soon find out if he is really unable to understand finances. I think you’ll be shocked by just how on it and grabby he becomes. The longer you leave it the more you’ll lose. It’s horrible but there’s nothing worth saving OP.

This is sort of us too. DH does a higher proportion of the manual labour and I do the thinking and planning.

This is interesting. I have found (ADHD partner too) that - until we were close to splitting - the domestic stuff was done badly or late, which was actually worse than not at all because it was still on me to nag.

That has changed a lot since he accepted that he was being an exploitative man and that I would leave if he didn't stop - because I also have ADHD, and somehow magically can do them so my kid's could eat on time or whatever.

So OP, I guess that's your answer - if your DH takes on the less complex drudgery type things and does them, he's trying.

I had one like this . So I leaned into it . When I realized how shit he was at stuff like finance, etc . , I just took over . Then at least I knew it would be done right . To him I allocated the tasks he could do . All the household chores , easy to follow instructions. So I wasn't trying to clean , do laundry , cook . Did a click and collect shop that he could pick up . And he was good with kids, bathing and bed . No expectations meant I wasn't too bothered .

If his other qualities are still attractive to you maybe this is the way to go . With ADHD plus maybe English not being his first language can he really be expected to take the kind of responsibility you want . And as for wanting to take a trip home, why can't he go when you think you can afford it ? It's only one person or does he want the whole family to go . It's not an unreasonable thing to ask if he does work and contributes something .

Lots of women in my mother's generation were SAHM where the working husband was in control of finances . My mother found it great that she never had to think or worry about bills being paid , cars serviced , etc. Sometimes it's OK to give or to take control to play to each other's strengths.

Why did you marry him , all this must have been obvious.

OP this idea that you are afraid to lose 50% of everything you have built is understandable but a false economy. You can walk away now, with 100% of everything you earn going forwards going to you and your children, or continue to give 50%+ of everything you acquire for the rest of your life to your DH and continue to mother him as an additional child who will never grow up. I don’t understand what, if anything, he brings to the table. It is not like he is putting in the majority shift for home life to enable you to work stress free. Personally I would not be prepared to carry another human like that for the rest of my life. id have the total ick. I’d accept 50% of assets to date are gone but at least I will only be responsible for me and the children going forwards and will have the means to build a future for them from now on.

He can’t grow up as his severe ADHD has defined the point at which his emotional maturity and executive functioning won’t grow any more

I have quite severe ADHD and I can guarantee that emotional maturity/growth is very possible - IF he wants to change.

But you also have an additional issue:

I am a woman - socialised to look after people and put their needs first. I ran a household, got the kids to school on time, gave them a rich extracurricular life, worked incredibly hard in a demanding job, planned holidays.

He is a man - socialised to put himself first, and exploit a woman to do all that boring caring/household shit.

He'd have to be aware of that fact and be motivated (by shame, one would hope) to be able to overcome enough of the ADHD stuff to make it worth you staying.

As an aside - I've had a lot of therapy to try and unpick the 'could be ADHD, could be trauma' traits and responses, especially Rejection Sensitivity Disorder type responses. Also to accept my ADHD failings. It's made me a better parent and partner, and happier.

But I wanted things to be different - that's the crucial thing. Most men, with ADHD or not, don't want things to be different, because they're having a fucking brilliant time thinking mainly of themselves, and knowing that there's a woman there who will pick up the pants, and the pieces.

If your DH can play music by ear, why can't he get some session work? He can top up the day job quite nicely with that

I think you are very much exaggerating . Ops husband works. Let’s be honest, work requires you to do things that are damn boring sometimes and he seems to be able to do that.

I take umbrage at your infantilising view of people who have a disability. Even someone with severe adhd would have to do things that they find dull. It might take time and they might not make the best choice but they have to do it. You are making it seem like they are just standing still all day doing nothing.

And as someone who has gone through the benefit system- they don’t get it right all the time. There’s people with adhd who get blue badges. You’re telling me they can drive safely (even when it’s boring, which you se
tonthink they couldn’t do anything if it wasn’t stimulating) but they get so distracted that they need a space right by the shop. Come on! I have a physical disability and need the extra space to get out with my stick and need to be close due to physical pain. But under the current system, the person with adhd also gets a badge. It’s wrong.

No, this isn't true. You're misunderstanding severe ADHD . Some people genuinely still wouldn't be able to do something even with a gun pointed at their head because the inability is more or less absolute (even if neurological - which is technically physical in that neurotransmitters are physical things). And others that might be able to do it with a gun pointed at their head still couldn't do it without the gun due to contextual impairment - some issues can be overcome in certain neurological states (like a one off threat of death). But that doesn't mean the brain is able to function the same way in ordinary every day situations. A severe neurological condition cannot be controlled with effort (not to any significant degree at least). The OP is at the end of her tether and I can understand that but she does thankfully understand (and it sounds like she's made the effort to learn about ADHD as a disability) that severe ADHD is not something that can solved with a change of attitude. It is a disability in its most extreme form. That's why it's treated as such by the government when it comes to benefits.

I've been married to an autistic man for 28 years. He would be a man-child by your definition. He cannot handle budgets and gets very stressed around money.

However, we are happy together. Because, and its a biggy, I truly gave up on expecting him to cope eith the things he simply cannot do. You have to view it this way - if he were blind you would not resent his lack of sight. If he were in a wheelchair, you would not resent him not being able to walk. He is neurodiverse. Resenting his 'absences' does neither of you favours.

Focus on what you love about him. His strengths, quirks. Give him the jobs you are not good at but where he excels. Share the load a different way.

There is a difference between can’t and won’t. If you put someone with severe dyslexia or paralysed in a wheelchair and told them “ read this sheet “ or “ walk ten feet” or I’d shoot you- they physically couldn’t. Ask someone with adhd to focus and do an online shop or I’d shoot you and they could. Not saying it won’t be hard but they physically can.

I can’t walk far due to mechanics. I cannot read/process well due to the way my brain is wired. But if I had to do them, I could.
While it might be hard to find the motivation to do boring jobs, you physically can do them.

I'm not arguing that your life isn't hard but there's a difference between life being hard on account of having one or more conditions and being disabled by one or more conditions. The people with ADHD who manage to find coping mechanisms are people with the milder forms or people who can tolerate the meds and for whom the meds work (there are loads of these people, yes). In the more severe presentations, and where meds aren't an option or don't work for whatever reason, ADHD IS a disability - meaning you cannot function at anywhere near the level that a non-disabled person can function at even with strategies and workarounds. There are likely things that you cannot do in more or less absolute terms and that other people will need to help you with or do for you. It's not a choice. You cannot just override a disability/neurotransmitter malfunction because "boring things are part of life". If you cannot do something you cannot do it.

How could this level of incompetence stay hidden until you were pregnant for a second time? He sounds like a literal child, and I struggle to believe you didn't notice that for years.

I have other disabilities that makes my life hard. Just because 50% of people who apply for pip have adhd means very little. The questions are geared in a certain way. There are people who have had cancer- arguably very hard to live with- who don’t get pip. Dyslexia can be very hard if you have it bad.

I don’t have severe dyslexia but managed to get to a masters before someone picked it up . My life was very hard, and I didn’t know why but i had coping mechanisms. You have to as an adult. Boring things are part of life. You have to find ways to do it. Lots of people with adhd do.

Although I think you are well within your rights to be considering divorce OP - ultimately if you can't live with this then that's understandable. Although trying to get him on meds and looking into other things that might improve functionality if you haven't already done so and there are no barriers might be one last roll of the dice.

Dyslexia is very different from severe ADHD - and generally much less severe as a condition - only about 1 in 5 people trying to claim PIP on the basis of dyslexia as their main condition are successful whereas it's about 50% for people with ADHD. ADHD is much more likely to be a full blown disability rather than just a condition and yes, there are some people who would struggle with an online shop - not being able to do boring things, sometimes more or less absolutely, is a huge part of what severe ADHD is.

OP - how does your partner sleep? Severe ADHD is often comorbid with serious sleep issues as you may know. If you can't treat the ADHD with meds for whatever reason you might manage to improve functionality by looking at other compounding factors.

I could have written your post OP. I’ve recently divorced my man child and I can honestly tell you it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. It took me about 10 years to work up the courage to do it. It has cost me a significant amount of money, every single penny I’ve ever saved went on the settlement. I’m fairly certain that my kids will never see a penny of it via inheritance as he will fritter it all away. It is worth every penny to be away from him, and to show my children that you are allowed to move on from a marriage that is quietly destroying you.

I love my life. Everything is my responsibility (as it has always been) but there is peace in just looking after myself and my children without feeling constantly irritated by the other ‘adult’ in the house just basically hanging around and doing nothing but take from me. I’ve also met the most amazing man who I can have intelligent conversations with and is ambitious and hardworking. I had given up all hope of having a happy life as I couldn’t imagine getting away from my ex, divorce seeming like such a massive thing. Having been through it it’s obviously not easy. But it was the best thing I ever did.

PM me if you want to chat in more detail.