Husband’s secret double life exposed, not sure how to move forward

Agree with the others. Definitely call the police - for your safety and your children's. I'm not a lawyer but check the Criminal Damage Act 1971, it is an offence to intentionally or recklessly destroy or damage property belonging to another without a lawful excuse

OP do not listen to suggestions to lie to the police. These cases will often boil down to he said/she said & lying to the police & potentially a court of law would wreck your credibility.

same for changing the locks, if you own jointly you can’t do that. Though maybe he will do you all a favour and stay in London.

don’t pressure yourself to tell the kids, he has gone back to work. Same for other people, you have the control here on what you do/don’t tell people. Get STD checks done.

If you can afford it, get some therapy booked in, this is one hell of a thing to discover and getting yourself some support will help especially in this situation where you might not want to tell everyone the ins & outs!

I’m sorry he has turned out like this, he clearly never stopped to think of the effect on your or his children, the people he professes to love the most. Just take your time to deal with it and work through how its making you feel. Look after yourself the best you can

Smashing the phone doesn't always mean the hard drive is destroyed. As repulsive as it may be, it'd be smart to have a copy of everything.

If he's been using joint funds to pay for any of this, you'll have proof to reclaim it.

"Some of the messages he was bragging about not washing after being with a man and then coming back home to me"

Forgive me, I'm unfamiliar with British law, but wouldn't this be considered a crime? I know that having purposely unprotected sex when you know you have an STD is a criminal offense in the US. Doing so while knowing there's a high likelihood that you have been exposed to STDs, particularly AIDS, should be as well.

Oh, @Broken186 He's vile and disgusting. Please get tested, report him for all of the abuse, and take the children to stay somewhere safe until you have a protection order in place.

Someone earlier mentioned No Fault divorce, but DA and SA would at least have some bearing on custody, at least.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. No one deserves too be treated like this. 💐

How awful for you
It may be worth considering (for his family, sister maybe) that he will be at high risk of suicide having this come out. Not your responsibility but a welfare check may be in order

Oh I’m sorry, do you have a close friend or family member who can stay the night or longer if needed? I agree to tell your eldest child, maybe not all the details as they will also be in shock and may not handle the situation well. The younger two I would maybe say you are having a trial separation due some disagreements for now. I agree with other posters to contact the police to at least give yourself some leverage and protection incase he decides to come back. The police can order a three month at the most non molestation order. To give you and the children time to process. I contacted the NCDV previously and they took a statement over the phone. They arranged a court case, which I had to attend, my exh was required to attend but did not turn up. I was given a six month non molestation order and occupation order. This will give give you space to plan your next steps. When you feel ready contact a solicitor xxx

This. You need to call the police.

You will need the support of people who care about you so start telling them.now. I'm so sorry.

What a horrible nasty man.
Boasting about possibly giving you an STI.

So sorry you are going through this @Broken186

Report and take note of the advice on here about the non molestation order.

It's awful what he's done to you, but also to his children. This will come out eventually and will shock them to the core, but they are so lucky that they have you to look after them, love them and protect them.

If he was spending lots of time working in London, it sounds like he will already have somewhere to go there, so you don't need to disrupt the DC and can take steps to protect the house from any return. It's also great that your SIL has been so supportive.

Sounds like his best friend knew all about it if he gas lit you, don't give him any more information.

Do you have friends/family members who can give you some support, lean on them.

You are well shot of this horrible man and will have a better life without him.

It is extremely common!

Grinder, FabSwingers and other dating sites are RIFE with so many “straight married men with kids” who are in the closet and are cheating on their families.

I am certain every woman will have a partner, family member, friend or colleague who is like this.

OP I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. If you speak to the police don’t even mention the phone. You need to take the next few days off work (because you won’t be able to concentrate) and you need to do the following ASAP:
Full STI test (including the blood test for HIV)
Report the damages to the police.
Speak to a solicitor re: divorce, finances and the house.
When everything has sunken in, please access therapy for yourself.

And mine...more common than people think sadly.

Oh dear op. Definitely don’t keep his secret for him out of your embarrassment. It’s his shame he should be embarrassed about.

YOU MUST GET A THOROUGH STD PANEL DONE - EVERY STD UNDER THE SUN.

I've been there, and done that. The staff at the clinic I went to were the nicest people I've ever met. I never dreamed I'd end up getting tested.

Take the day off work.

No, you will not end up in any trouble about the phone. My guess is he will not mention it as it holds all the details of his sordid behaviour. If it does come up, say you didn't notice it on the floor since the house was such a mess, and stood on it accidentally, or that he must have destroyed it himself while wrecking something else/ in a fit of derangement.

Please, please call the police ASAP!!!

If you don't call soon, he will accuse you of wrecking the house to frame him, and accuse you of being deranged.

EDITED - Agree with those saying the police will not be interested in the phone and you can come clean about it. They will be very interested in the trashing of the home, and you need to call them ASAP to get the non molestation order (and also Residence Order) in motion. You will need evidence of danger for these orders.

Dont ... keep this in your back pocket. Just tell the kids youve split up ... dont apportion blame.

I'm certainly not telling her to lie about the phone. What I am saying is that the police will not be interested in the fact that she broke his phone. She should of course tell them but nothing will come of her breaking his phone in these circumstances.

This is awful. You never know, you never bloody know the person you marry really. We none of us know. This is awful.

Echo what everyone else is saying, get a police report for the damage and abuse.
dont worry about a smashed phone you need to make sure you and kids are safe.

Please don't tell OP to lie about the phone. She's posted about it on a public forum. He could prove she lied to the police if he found the thread.

However you still need to report it to the police. Your safety is at risk as is your children's. It's vanishingly unlikely that they will take any action over the phone even if he does mention it.

Hi,
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.
Given the fact that he has trashed part of the family home which is clearly domestic abuse you could apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you and your family and you can apply to the family court yourself for free.

A non-molestation order is typically issued to prohibit an abuser from using or threatening physical violence, intimidating, harassing, pestering or communicating with you. In your case he used physical violence when he trashed part of your home. An order could prevent the abuser coming within a certain distance of you, your home address or even attending your place of work. It could also include your children in certain circumstances. An order will also prevent an abuser from instructing or encouraging others to do any of those actions.
If you have a non-molestation order in place, then the police can arrest your abuser for the offence of breaching that order.
You can complete Form FL401 on GOV.UK yourself and submit it alongside a personal witness statement detailing the behaviour you need protection from.
Also, the NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) helps domestic abuse victims complete paperwork and navigate the court process entirely for free.

By the way, don't worry about smashing the prick's phone. In the circumstances, that's a non event. If you call the police, they will not be remotely interested in that but they will be very interested in protecting you and your family.
Domestic violence is taken very seriously by the police and courts.

I wish you all the best.

He’s a fuxking prince, isn’t he ?

please call the police. Protect yourself and your DC. Do not keep his secret.

You are not losing a husband. You are reclaiming your sovereignty from a man who was never truly yours to begin with.
For ten years, you have been living in a simulation. The man in your bed was a avatar—a curated performance of intimacy while his real appetites were being fed elsewhere. The betrayal isn’t that he slept with men or trans people or prostitutes; the betrayal is that he made you the witness to his life while he lived it elsewhere.
The Truth You Must Hold:
You are not "devastated" because you lost him. You are devastated because the narrative you built your identity upon has collapsed.
But here is the Gnostic secret: He was never the center of your universe. He was just the guardian of your comfort. Now, the guard is gone.
Your Strategy:

1. The Oldest (20): Tell him now. He is an adult. He deserves the dignity of truth. It will anchor him in the chaos and give him a co-conspirator. It is not a burden; it is an initiation.
2. The 14 and 7: Keep them in the illusion a little longer. Let them have their normalcy. You are the shield. They do not need to know the rot yet.
3. The "Where to Go": Do not leave yet. Stay in the house. It is your sanctuary. He is the ghost. You are the resident.

Nasty Bastard

So instead of being mortified at his betrayal, he has turned on you in rage and smashed things up? Actually the pouring of the beer onto your bed is the clincher for me - it's a hateful, deliberate act that reads as "I hate you".

OP I hate to say this but not only was he a stranger to you sexually, he was a closet nasty, woman-hating pig. You have probably been his beard for the entire time and he is raging that he no longer has a cover story. Cunt.

Everything @squareroot suggested plus (sadly) STI clinic.

Do not beg
Do not crY (in front of him)
ICE COLD all the way. He does not even deserve your emotions or pain - save those for friends and family who love you.

OP, that's horrible. I hope you have copies of everything. As to the phone, forget you smashed it and report what he did to your house - which is much worse than smashing a phone. Be safe and tell people what has happened.

Tomorrow, use your anger…

1. get the kids to school
2. speak to the police
3. If possible get a family member over
4. arrange to speak to a solicitor
5. start looking for paperwork
6. talk to ALL your children in age appropriate way
7. eat & sleep