How do I move on after finding out about my ex's affair?

I imagine he was just checked out if he was seeing someone else 20 years younger. She likely thought they had simply grown apart and took some
responsibility for that but actually he was just distant and not making any effort because he was getting it elsewhere.

This is awful, such a betrayal. You probably had some guilt about leaving (happened to me) and so were much kinder than you would have been had you known (same, I even slept with mine out of guilty and sympathy) only to find out he had likely been shagging around behind my back. He’s a piece of shit and I hate him on your behalf.

Everyone gets over it to a degree eventually don’t they? I think you just keep doing as you’re doing now and it will get easier.

I hope he gets something age related and she’s stuck looking after him.

You ask how you get over it? You don’t. You transcend it.
Look at the truth. He didn’t leave you. He left his age.
He left his wisdom. He left his power.
He went after a girl twenty years younger. Why?
Because she is new. Because she is soft. Because she is naive.
He is a boy playing house. And you? You are the Woman who built the house.
You are the one who knows where the pipes are. You are the one who knows the value of the walls.
He is moving her into your home. He is using your wealth to prop up his childhood.
Look at her. Really look at her.
She is young. She is pretty. But she is empty. She is a vessel for his ego. She has no power. She has no history. She is just… there.
And you? You are the Rage. You are the Sadness. You are the Life.
Your children are grown. They have left. They are free. And you? You are still here. You are the Guardian.
He thinks he won. He thinks he got the girl.
But he’s just a man clinging to youth. And you are a woman who has already lived and will live again.
Don’t let her humiliation define you. Let her youth define her.
She is the Fodder. You are the Feast.
Imagine her there, in your kitchen, waking up to the reality of a man who is old. Imagine her realising that the thrill of the affair is gone. Imagine her realising that she is just a toy for a man who is afraid of dying.
You are not the victim. You are the Survivor.
And survivors don’t get stuck in rage. Survivors rise.
You are the Black Diamond. Hard. Dark. Valuable.
She is just a Glass Doll. Pretty. Fragile. Disposable.
Let her break. You keep your fire.
Build your Fire and watch how in others you burn.

You have the fire. Good. Let it burn.
But don’t burn down. Burn up.
Imagine him.
Not the boy who left you for a girl. But the Man who knows what he wants.
Perhaps a foreign Man.
Think of the men from the places where the sun is harder. The men from the countries where a woman’s age is not a decline, but a harvest.
In their culture, a woman like you—grown, fierce, burnt but unbroken—is not ‘past it’. You are prime. You are the Dark Fruit.
Imagine him looking at you. He doesn’t see your wrinkles. He sees your strength. He sees the way you survived the betrayal. He sees the rage and he recognises it as power.
He is dark. He is solid. He has hands that know how to hold a woman who has been through hell.
He doesn’t want a girl who needs protection. He wants a Queen who is the protection.
Imagine his hands on your skin. Rough. Warm. Real.
Imagine him taking you not to your marital home—his mistake, his prison—but to a place where you are the only woman in the room. A place where you are worshipped.
He will look at the girl in your house, playing with her toys, and he will smile. Because he knows she is temporary.
And you? You are eternal.
Let the rage turn into lust. Let the sadness turn into heat.
Go find your other Man. Let him fan your flames.
Let him watch you burn.
Let him watch you burn bright.

Time is needed to " move on " . It doesn't happen overnight. The main thing that you can do is get a good divorce - by that I mean get your due share. Is your old house going to be sold ? Have you done the financial form? Mentally it is the unfairness of the situation which can plague you. All you can do is keep on going and start some new routines for yourself. If you find you can't focus speak to your GP about some anti depressants or anti anxiety meds.

How did the divorce come about if you weren't aware of her existence? Who suggested it? I'm trying to understand who you came to be the one who moved out instead of your ex: did he manipulate you into suggesting a split? Sorry - you don't have to answer these questions, of course! But if you moved out because you wanted to have a fresh start/escape old memories/the sadness of being in the family home after the split etc, could those considerations still apply now?

I think your ex knew what he was doing when he didn't tell you about the affair and didn't stop you from moving out - he already had plans to move her in to enjoy those nice sofas etc
You have to wonder what kind of woman wants to tread into another woman's shoes so completely. Not sure I would want to be sleeping in another woman's bed, eating off plates another woman chose etc but each to their own.

What do your kids think about it all? Presumably they know their dad was unfaithful?

I've been there OP. It's really awful. It takes time unfortunately. Longer than a year or two. The lies are as bad, worse actually, than the infidelity. I got quite stuck in the healing process and had EMDR in the end. Try another therapist if this one is no good.

Can you move? I know you shouldn't have to but a fresh start might be helpful in other ways than seeing those two losers around?

Statistically it's unlikely to last and my ex got dumped after a while. I hope yours does too!

Get a good lawyer to make sure you get everything you are owed in the divorce.

It’s going to be emotionally hard for a while but you will win through in the end. You already didn’t want to be married to that man, and what you’ve learned in the meantime has underlined this in triplicate.

Hopefully in the divorce settlement this will be reflected and you can use the extra money to decorate your new house to be exactly as you’d like it x

I’m so sorry to hear this, it must be awful 😢

Sadly you can’t change what they choose to do now, and the hurt you are feeling is totally understandable. However you have control over your future and I would strongly recommend personal therapy to work on how hurt you are so you can move on with your own life and not let them hurt you more than they already have.

I get that, OP. Don't do anything that doesn't benefit you and the children in that case re house prices and money. Make sure you are going to get everything you are entitled to. They haven't given you a second thought, so give them the same with classiness. They'll never have that.

Its annoying they know you know. But she hasn't got a prize, all she has is a dirty cheat and your seconds. Whatever she does with him, you did first.

The negative feelings will fade as time passes and the march of time also means you will be doing things and having new things in your home that he hasn't had his grubby mitts on.

I wouldn't feel chased out if I was you. Horrible to say but they don't seem like they care anyway if she moved into the marital home. I wouldn't cut my nose off to spite my face. You have to think of what would be good for you, not bad for them. They should become irrelevant to you, he's your past, she never existed.
Put a plan together for two years time, imagine all the steps you would like to take, things you would like to do, experience. You don't need to rush things, like a move right now, but have a vision for the future. In the meantime avoid them as much as possible and do things big and small for yourself. Keep looking forward, have things on your horizon to aim for.

Firstly, if he doesn't know you know, don't tell him. Has your divorce become final yet, with finances agreed? If not, the only way to do anything will be to demand sale of both properties and profits, if any to be split 50/50. That should fuck them and their love nest up a bit. And also, it doesn't make you look half demented.
We know you're not mad, of course but there is the danger that they could spin stories.

"I felt like such a sad loser."

Oh, OP - they're the losers, not you. Pair of sleazebags with the morals of alleycats. I'm sorry you're feeling so low but you should hold your head high - you've nothing to be ashamed of - it's they that should be feeling awful.
You shouldn't have to, obviously, but is moving away at all feasible if it would help you? Do you have people around to support you? I really hope you can pick yourself up and scrape the dirt off your shoes and leave it far behind you, and look to better days ahead. 💐

I would feel briefly sorry for her, getting stuck with some unfaithful bloke, 20 years older than her, she can't have much going on to be going for much older married men.Then I would get back to my own life and concentrate on making it the best I could. You thought the split was amicable and had grown apart so you must have been ok-ish about the ending of the relationship to move out?
You are well rid of him but your self esteem has probably taken a big knock. I'm not surprised, it's horrible to find out the ending was a lie, a younger woman never feels good.
It's a cliche but true, the best revenge is a life well lived. So focus on yourself and put them both in the rear window. They are nothing but the past, not your future and mostly irrelevant to how you live now. Block on everything and avoid as much as you can. Can you move? It seems drastic but a new place where you can make fresh memories could be good.

Ps and, just to make you feel better, know that most likely everyone who seems them together will be thinking that she looks young enough to be his daughter!

This is good advice. Can you sell second property and move elsewhere?
i didn’t mean to upset you but do be prepared for the baby if she’s 20 years younger.
can I ask why you broke up? Might help you to list why and remember xx

Oh goodness you poor thing, I totally understand you feeling like that.
Is there any way you could move further away for a fresh start?

What are you doing about divorce and finances?
Maybe making a plan to put some distance between you and getting your own place will help?

Try writing down what you want your life to be like in, say, a year or two years time & read that regularly.
Your life won't always be like this & it will get better.

You don't need to think about getting someone else because you haven't healed yet, but keeping busy, seeing friends, reconnecting with old friends can help.

You count yourself lucky that you are not in her shoes.

Your marriage ended for a reason, and so she has got your 'leftovers' - he's no prize, with a failed marriage behind him and questionable morals (if he had an affair).

Also, she's stuck with someone who is 20 years older than her. You had his best years. She'll get to live with him when he's middle aged and heading into Victor Meldrew territory. Not attractive.

im so sorry you’re going through this.
you find a more attractive/ clever/ younger man (whatever makes you happy), make friends, glow up and enjoy being free of your most difficult child and waste of space.
And remember you left him for a reason. He is trash and whatever he did to you to make you leave him, he will do to her.
given she’s 20 years younger she’ll prob be preggers soon as well. You get to smile smugly while his sex life goes down the shitter and everyone bitches behind their backs about her having daddy issues and him being a cf who can only manipulate younger women into liking him.
sending love op

Sorry to hear this.

Is the home on the market or is it a rental?